To not get why strangers can't leave my child alone

[sellisx]

In the supermarket today, my little boy was having a tantrum, I usually laugh and walk off but at least four people tried to coax him back to me. Two people picked him up then complained they got hurt because he threw himself backwards.
WHY don't they leave him be!!!
In a cafe one time,I left him at the table while I went to get napkins, by the time I came back somebody was feeding him chips "because he was making noise" what if he had an allergy?

[lostInTheWash]

goldensquirrel - that is your opinion .

Our practical experience - developed with help of parenting books and other parents and qualified staff at toddler groups and nursery input and more importantly trial and error and careful observation of our much loved child- led us to conclusions.

I have to wonder at someone who never has never met my child - (and feels the need to cite a professional who has never never met my child and isn't actually on this thread to give their actual opinion presumably in an effort credence to their personal opinions ) feeling the need to tell me what my child was like or assuming that because your child has similar issues that my child must be the same and react the same completing ignoring personality differences in said children.


The use of emotive language cruelty in humiliating a person to describe walking away to let a child calm down is very telling as well.

I have three children ranging from ages 6 to 10 - all bf, co-sleeping and carried nearly all time in my arms as babies so I was hardly a heartless uncaring or unaware of my DC needs.

They are all doing very well, they are all very different and have all managed according to their teachers and other adults a huge move to new part of the country with accompanying new school with great maturity and no problems. So I really don't see how use of a common parenting technique you personally disapprove off has damaged them in any way.

[DisappointedOne]

Many adults have attachment issues. Many of those can be traced back to how their emotions were handled by their parents. Ignoring or

[DisappointedOne]

Belittling small children having emotional outbursts can have effects not felt until many years/decades later.

[gandalf456]

But this is your ds. You know what works for him. No one is suggesting you leave him rather than carry on doing what you are doing.

I disagree that op IS walking away. She is putting a small bit of space between herself and dc until they are both calm. The fact that he is hitting her suggests he doesn't want her to touch him anyway and a tiny bit of room is what he needs.

Many health visitors suggest leaving the room etc when it gets too much too. Sometimes parents need to calm down too to parent more effectively.

As for laughing, it's a different scenario admittedly but sometimes I can snap my dd out of a strop by making a joke. Others might cry more.

As I say, we know our children and their foibles best most of the time. Most parents I know aren't woefully inadequate but get it wrong occasionally like me. I would never step in unless I genuinely thought a child was in danger. I certainly couldn't justify it simply for disagreeing

[ShotgunNotDoingThePans]

'it would be harmful to walk away from her in that state as she would feel I don't know what I'm doing either- compounding her feelings of insecurity.'

I actually agree with this. Not saying this to have a go at the op, but as a general point demonstrating to your toddler that you're not fazed by their extreme behaviours is a good message to give them. They're already terrified by the excess of emotions going through them, and if you can show that it doesn't affect you or 'get' to you that's a huge relief for them and a reinforcement of the fact that you're present with them, even while your ultimate intention is for them to gain control and not feel such a need for tantrumming as an outlet. They gain confidence from you kindly trying to help tham back to 'normal' rather than detatching from them.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Disappointed are you an expert in the field. Can you include some research to support your theory!

[Lucy61]

Aeroflot- its called attachment theory. Look up Bowlby and attachment styles. Those first few years of life form the imprint for how we form relationships in the future.

[Aeroflotgirl]

I hope op has hidden this thread, I certainly would, there are so many armchair 'experts' on here! Do not judge, we have all been there, got the t shirt. Yes my then 2.5 year old ds was having a lie down protest on the floor in the park, I did turn my heel to walk away, and he followed me. Trying to reason with a tantruming toddler is very difficult, sometimes they respond better to emotional detatchment, does not mean that is how op parents all the time.

[Aeroflotgirl]

Yes Lucy I am very familiar with it as a Msc psychology graduate. As I said, it is hardly long term detatchment, its fleeting and brief, it is not how op parents day to day I am sure. You cannot make an assumption about her parenting based on one moment in time, she sounds completely stressed out, does not need armchair psychologists bombarding her with information.

[Aeroflotgirl]

What op needs to probably do is contact her GP and HV for help and advice.

[Chamonix1]

"I don't see how getting a one year old to calm themselves down by, 'leaving them to it', is 'caring' about their emotions in the slightest? It is the opposite- it's withdrawing from them."
Because by the stage where I use this method, my child is so worked up, she is kicking, head butting, biting and going into sensory overload. Teaching your children that they have a safe place, to express their anger, with you in sight (not absconding them) is not withdrawing completely , it's allowinthem to express how they feel with out subjecting yourself to kicking and head buts that cause nosebleeds !
I find once my child has had that time, in her own space to get it all out, she will calm within 3 minutes, whilst me sitting with her, explaining why she can't hit, whilst she hits me and hyperventilates actually upsets her further and can last 30 minutes, thus prolonging the anger and upset.
All children are different, but this is what works for me and my daughter. my mother used to ask me to go and sit in my room until I've calmed down, apparently I would learn to remove myself BEFOREHAND I got upset and come down a different happy child and as a hot headed adult I still use this technique when I get emotional, I remove myself for 10 minutes, calm myself and enter the situation with a level head, I was taught this at the age of 2 and still use this decades on.

[Chamonix1]

Portage also suggested this technique to me, that when she's angry and lashing out, allow her to do so in a safe place, let her be angry, hit a pillow, cry and scream and then once she is ready to have you near her, talk to her about what she should've done instead of hit etc.
I had to see a gp about my child's behaviour and this technique worked, for me at least.

[DisappointedOne]

The OP says this happens 14 times a day. If she walks away in a public place then she probably does at home too. That is prolonged emotional detachment of a very young child. But aeroflot if you have some research that shows such treatment creates positive neurological connections, do feel free to share it.

[DisappointedOne]

If a child is better with space rather than closeness (and I'd suggest we need to be careful how we diagnose that) there is a world of difference between getting down to a child's level and telling them that you understand they're upset and you'll be just over there if they want you and walking off without a word smirking/grinning/laughing.

[sellisx]

I don't walk away from him at home, please do not assume things. But he has a corner he goes to, to tantrum.
In public, I simply don't have the time to sit with him while he finishes. I've tried to before and all he does is hit me.
Infact today he seen another child with a balloon and got annoyed that he couldn't have it and fell straight to the floor, I tried to comfort him as did the mother of the child who had the balloon and all it did was make him scream more.
I didn't laugh at any of his tantrums today but 4 tantrums in 10 minutes made me sob in public.
I've laughed at him beofe and it usually makes him stop laughing and get up.
Came on here for a bit of support, forgot the brilliant mother brigade would be along

[TheCatsMeow]

sellisx I don't think people are trying to make you feel bad, I think people are just offering their views on what they'd do to try and help

[Aeroflotgirl]

disappointed op said she was laughing, others have added smirking to have a further kick at the op. She sounds low and vulnerable, how about offering support, no parent is perfect!

[Aeroflotgirl]

If the child is tantruming that frequently, she needs signposting to where she can get help and support, not blooming armchair psychology and kicking further. Enough with that! Let's do what Mumsnet does best, and offer constructive and helpful support!

[sellisx]

Lovelychick, thanks for the sarcastic comment. Maybe when your OH has just had a car accident and is seriously ill in hospital, I can also say the same back to you?
I'm in a very vulnerable place right now, so my actions/words probably don't look good shrugs

[lostInTheWash]

sellisx he will grow out of it - even mine have finally and I doubted that at times - it's getting though this bit.

Rule out anything being wrong - HV/GP/speech therapy - and try getting a bit of support for you - HV/sure start children centre/ homestart so you feel more able to cope.

Hell I found getting out and meeting other parents at toddler groups meant I felt better able to cope and get to hear how others weren't perfect either - though finding groups that were welcoming was a battle in itself.

[goodnightdarthvader1]

Mother of the year award you deserve :-/

I won't say what I want to say, because it will get deleted, but

[sellisx]

I would love to see any of you sit by your child for 20 minutes or more and coax them out of their tantrum. How Do you manage to get anything done in public? Or am I missing something cause I'm an awful mother?

[PeridotPassion]

Laughing at a child having a tantrum is mean IMO.

I'm by no means part of the 'brilliant mother parade' but really...laughing? Ignoring, yes. Making fun of a child in emotional distress is mean and odd and probably not the best way to handle it.

I would also suspect that anyone picking such a child up would only do so if they thought that they were alone and there was something seriously wrong.