To not get why strangers can't leave my child alone

[sellisx]

In the supermarket today, my little boy was having a tantrum, I usually laugh and walk off but at least four people tried to coax him back to me. Two people picked him up then complained they got hurt because he threw himself backwards.
WHY don't they leave him be!!!
In a cafe one time,I left him at the table while I went to get napkins, by the time I came back somebody was feeding him chips "because he was making noise" what if he had an allergy?

[barsteward]

OP I have so much sympathy because my DD1 had hideous tantrums from 15 months onwards.
I remember starting a thread on here many moons ago because I was struggling, and I pretty much got my head bitten off by a couple of people telling me I was a crap parent. It really wasn't helpful!

I imagine if your OH is in a high dependency unit you're pretty stressed and your LO is picking up on this. That's unavoidable really, but may go some way to explaining your DS's behaviour. Or maybe, like my DD, he's highly strung and it doesn't take much to upset him.
IME with my DD I learnt that once the tantrum had started there was nothing I could do to stop it and nothing helped, I just had to wait for it to fizzle out. So my reaction was irrelevant really. The only thing I did to help was to avoid situations where it would be difficult to cope with her tantrumso - so I avoided busy shops as much as possible and shopped online. But still took her to the park because a screaming toddler is less noticeable in a big open space full of other noisy children

[lostInTheWash]

HV isn't concerned but I am but everyone justsays oh he is a baby he is fine. He barely says da

I'd possibly go back to HV and ask specifically for a hearing test if you are worried or possibly try the GP or ask for a referral to speech therapy service.

At 19 months the variation in word acquisition is huge but there is usually few words or attempts at words. One of the children centres when my DC were young did a drop in quick screening test by the speech therapy dept for language - and they did groups from 2 that were supposed to help develop language and communication skills - might be worth asking HV if there is anything like that in your area - they may well not be but there might be something.

Having said that one of my mum friends told me the HV were insisting it was normal at 2 and half to have no words -getting it investigating was start of long process of diagnosis but they started the process early and got diagnosis and help their child needed quicker than most ad saw some massive progress.

[Pipistrella]

You might like to have a look at this sellisx

It could be useful if you go to the GP, so you can make a list of what he is doing and what he isn't. They like lists

[RiverTam]

I think pip means well and makes some good points. This isn't a child throwing a strop because he isn't getting his own way, he's a baby and coupled with the lack of speech and the number of tantrums I would speak to your GP. At the very least he needs a hearing test. But he's a baby who's lost control, he's not trying to manipulate you.

for you, OP, it sounds like you've got a lot on your plate.

[Lucy61]

MrsDever- this is a forum on which different views should be allowed and not everyone has to post in agreement with the op. I don't intend to be provocative but offer the view that the child's emotional needs are worth considering as they are obviously unhappy.

For what it's worth, I don't think op is a bad mother, just a stressed mother with a lot on her plate but needs to find the strength to figure out what help her ds needs. Walking away won't solve it.

[MammaTJ]

an allergy...to chips?

No, but a lot of people have a dairy allergy and a lot of chips are covered in whey powder. Not so crazy when you know about allergies.

[barsteward]

Definitely agree with seeing your GP to get a hearing test and speech and language therapy referral. They do speech and language drop in sessions in my area - where you can go with any concerns. I don't know if they're available where you are but HV or nearest children's centre might know.

[Lucy61]

Does he go to nursery? Have they raised any concerns?

[Piratepete1]

You do need to get him to the doctors and get him referred to have his hearing checked. My DD wasn't saying anything at 20 months and when her hearing was finally checked at 2 years old she was almost completely deaf but was managing by lip reading. You then need to self refer to speech therapy- most areas allow self referral or get your doctor to do it. Don't take no for an answer. The waiting list can be a year so get him in early just in case.

I'm an early years teacher and have studied child psychology and behaviour in depth. Natural consequences as a behaviour technique is perfectly valid. I use it for both of mine and we generally haves very calm life- I rarely need to shout and get cross. They won't sit in their chair for dinner, fine, they stand and watch us eat until they decide to sit down themselves. They tantrum in the shop, fine, I'll just go and pay then (keeping them sneakily in sight). I don't laugh though, just keep bright and breezy- it usually works

[Janeymoo50]

I was one of the first to comment on this post....but would like to also express my support for the OP.....however, if four different strangers felt the "need" to approach this baby (he is really at 19 months), then something wasn't working in the dealing of his tantrum. But, I would never have even attempted to pick him up, no way. Maybe, just maybe, four different strangers had no idea who his poor, frustrated mummy was in a busy supermarket with trolleys etc and were concerned for him. I would be, if not immediately seeing his mum etc.

[sellisx]

Thanks everyone,
I know pip means well, I'm just in quite a stressful place right now so negative comments make me feel worse. Probably AIBU was not the best place for this.
No he doesn't go to nursery,

[PastaLaFeasta]

Don't feel bad OP people don't understand your situation and your child. You are doing fine and sound like you are switched on to his feelings. I don't believe your feelings are completely secondary, you need balance which may be tipped to the small tantruming person to an extent but not exclusively. Having a child who tantrums so often can drive you insane, I used to have to leave her in her cot at times to prevent me running away, I have severe recurrent depression anyway. My DD was a bit slow to talk, which added to her frustration, and we suspect she has behavioural issues, ADHD seems to fit and we are awaiting an assessment.

I'm the firmer parent and DD's behaviour does improve with this eg. her sleep which is awful. DH gives in and is softer but he spends less time with her and is less responsive and able to manage tantrums. She is worse at bedtime with him. Her reception teacher was also strict and would ignore tantrums etc. DD loved her and did improve. Other kids are different and responded badly to this teacher. You have the experience with your son and have worked out the best approach. Others have no idea what it's like to parent him and their opinions aren't necessarily helpful. Try the HV again and GP if you have no luck. I also found having DD in nursery useful because other adults had input into her development and fed back about her behaviour - will he get nursery finding at 2? We paid for nursery while I was a SAHM but it saved my sanity and DD thrived, her language also improved.

Look after yourself.

[FlatOnTheHill]

[Goldenbear]

YABU to laugh at your child's distress and then abandon them. It's actually quite cruel to walk off from a toddler - how do they know you're going to come back? I experienced something similar in the park yesterday and I think it's really horrible to do this- a lot of people walk through a park as a short cut to get to my DC's school for pick up. I saw, as did others this confused, crying 2.5 year old asking for 'Mummy'- she was nowhere to be seen, he started running towards the park gates leading to a busy road, he looked lost and suddenly the Mother peeps around the gate as if to say 'look I'm here'. I couldn't believe she had hidden from him like that and let him get that distressed. Lots of other parents passing and grandparents were also seemingly shocked by her discipline 'technique' in dealing with tantrums. Why do you have to walk away, I stayed near both of my two who are now 4 and 8 and it wasn't particularly hard to do, no lasting damage.

[sellisx]

I think part of me leaves him because I would actually have a mental break down in the sodding cereal aisle. With my partner seriously ill in hospital and PND it's taking all my strength not to break down

[Janeymoo50]

Are you meaning me Mrs Devere?

[RabbitSaysWoof]

But she was in sight Golden, are you projecting because you saw something that upset you yesterday, that was actually a different thing?

[goodnightdarthvader1]

I couldn't believe she had hidden from him like that and let him get that distressed.

Totally relevant anecdote and completely comparable to walking 3 trolley lengths away in the same aisle of the supermarket.

[TheTigerIsOut]

I think that if you have walked away mid tantrum, I would have commended your actions. Laughing and walking away would make me think you are a mean horrible person. No wonder why people have felt the need to compensate.

Walk away, but don't laugh or smirk. You have to respect the feelings of your child even if he is a toddler.

[Pipistrella]

If I'd known how bad you were feeling I would have tried to sound a bit softer early on in the thread. I'm sorry for that. I can be quite direct and it is sometimes the wrong approach.

I think a lot of us can sympathise with this - you know you're going to lose it so you detach, if that means walking away, maybe it's what you have to do - it sounds like you need some help with your own stress levels, tbh, have you got any family nearby who are alright to talk to or would lend a hand with your ds?

Managing a child who is full on like this by yourself, 24/7, would drive most of us bonkers. I am a single parent too so I get that completely.

[PastaLaFeasta]

Tiger - have you actually read the thread fully because what you've written makes me think you are a "mean horrible person."

[Chamonix1]

Op, I haven't read the entires bread but I want to let you know you are not alone. My nearly 3 year old head buts, screams, pulls her hair, cried until she's hyperventilating, kicks, wrestles etc when she doesn't get her way. She is a wonderful girl and has a lot of love for us as parents but the flip side is so much anger.
I too was like this as a child my mum couldn't take me on the bus until I was 5, I wouldn't sit at all and was a real stropper.
The one thing that worked with me as a child and my dd too is giving her a space to throw her tantrum, somewhere safe and if possible familiar spot, my dd's is sat in the porch! I sit her down, tell her firmly "no hitting/kicking/whatever it is she's done repeatedly" and give her 5 mins with me in sight but not communicating for her to get it all out, I try to explain again that she isn't to hit and she generally hugs it out and we move on.
She does this out and about, the supermarket etc, I sit her on the floor tell her no, she cries and I get weird looks, but she does learn each time. She knows when mummy sits her down, tells her no and steps away she means it, it's her time to get it all out, cry, sob and kick the door whilst I calm myself.
It's tough op, but you are not alone.

[Chamonix1]

That'll be THREAD rather than bread!