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AIBU?

To not get why strangers can't leave my child alone

267 replies

sellisx · 14/01/2016 16:11

In the supermarket today, my little boy was having a tantrum, I usually laugh and walk off but at least four people tried to coax him back to me. Two people picked him up then complained they got hurt because he threw himself backwards.
WHY don't they leave him be!!!
In a cafe one time,I left him at the table while I went to get napkins, by the time I came back somebody was feeding him chips "because he was making noise" what if he had an allergy?

OP posts:

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Birdie85 · 14/01/2016 16:31

WTF, I'd be livid if a stranger tried to pick up my child!!! Who in their right mind does that, or feed a random kid chips in a cafe?!

YANBU!

Pipistrella · 14/01/2016 16:34

Yabu, sorry - it's not a great way to handle a toddler. Laughing, especially, smacks of contempt.

I would get involved if a parent walked away. I would stand and talk to the child.

Sorry but you did ask - if a child is having a tantrum, don't leave them. Stay there. Wait till they stop. Don't look at other people, concentrate on your child. Just be calm and wait, don't make a show of 'winning' or having the upper hand.

People don't want to see that, they want to see it resolved and someone being a patient and calm parent, not a battle of wills.

What you are doing currently would look worse, to me, than what the toddler is doing. You have to accept that they feel bad, that they are little and don't know how to manag their emotions.

Btw I often found ds1 was hungry or tired when he behaved like that, and an offer of a snack, often sorted it out.

I hate seeing parents laugh at their crying children.

ExConstance · 14/01/2016 16:34

If you walk off far enough for another customer to intervene and start feeding him chips you are too far away. I'm rather concerned about your parenting anyway, surely going off and leaving him will just make him more distressed.

whatevva · 14/01/2016 16:34

My DS used to tantrum. I used to tuck him under my arm (feet kicking outwards) and push the twin buggy with one hand back to the car park. People used to grin and say 'you've got your hands full' and I used to laugh back.

Once, in the supermarket, I couldn't get him to sit in the trolley and he had gone rigid and screaming, someone came up and said to him 'I bet you're only doing that for the attention '. He grinned back and I slipped him into the seat, fast. She had gone before I could say thanks, but that is good interference .

Sunnybitch · 14/01/2016 16:36

My dad has always been scared stupid of this and is always saying to me and dp not to let strangers hold dc2 ect typical overprotective grandpaas my little one has a habit of doing this if she's having a paddy and it catches people who know her off guard let alone if a stranger picked her up and she done it, what if the person had dropped your child...next time tell them straight to put your dc down and leave you to deal with him!!!

00100001 · 14/01/2016 16:36

an allergy...to chips?

Pipistrella · 14/01/2016 16:37

What I mean is you have to take your baby seriously. He's got no one else on his side, you're his mum, his protector. You have to stand up for him and take his feelings seriously, even the sad/bad ones.

He's a person too.
You will teach him to treat others with respect if you respect him.

I know the ignore/dismiss/walk away thing is quite a common approach but IMO it's a shit one (sorry)

Try the other way, see how it works for you - if it doesn't then you've lost nothing. If it does, job done.

Walking away means there is a baby lying on the floor and he could get run over by a trolley or anything. It isn't safe.

Stickerrocks · 14/01/2016 16:37

How is your DP OP?

sellisx · 14/01/2016 16:37

Seriously? A 20 minute tantrum and I'm suppose to stand there while he kicks and hits me? Fuck me I have got this wrong!
It was a cafe, where I had to be at the child end so the napkins and forks are miles away.

OP posts:

NerrSnerr · 14/01/2016 16:37

Feeding chips is not on but I wouldn't walk away from a toddler. Im not sure a 19 month old would understand what's going on at all if their parent walked away laughing. If he's going through a phase of having tantrums I'd keep him in the buggy when shopping for now.

PastaLaFeasta · 14/01/2016 16:37

I think young women are least scary to approach and people are less afraid to interfere or 'help'. I've had it too - some people have told me they think I'm much younger. I'm over 30 so it's a bit of a shock when treated like this.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 14/01/2016 16:38

I wouldn't have interfered in as much as picking him up.

I would have looked at you and thought 'you are a daft bugger' for walking away from a 19 month old child, I imagine that's why other people took an interest in him.

Pipistrella · 14/01/2016 16:39

Yup, that's your role, to stand there and stay with him. Don't be cross with him. Sympathise. Talk to him quietly. Listen. Watch.

You don't have to touch him. Just stay put and wait. Everyone will understand.

They do all stop in the end. Someone might offer to push your trolley while you deal with him; let them, it's better than you with the trolley and strangers with your child.

MajesticSeaFlapFlap · 14/01/2016 16:39

Why not pick him up and take him out till he's done?
20 mins s is a long to scream in cafe.

Pipistrella · 14/01/2016 16:42

Stand, sit, crouch down - whatever. I imagine there's no smaller baby you have to look after at the same time? If not, good - concentrate on him and just him.

I always ignore anyone else that's around, make no eye contact - my child, my business. No one else tries to interfere when you stay close to them.

Getting embarrassed and self conscious about what people are expecting you to do, is precisely the wrong way to handle it. So stuff them and stand by your kid.

originalmavis · 14/01/2016 16:42

People do worry when they see a small child (upaet or not) by themselves.

I usually stage voice 'are you with mummy? Did you lose her? Oh dear. I wonder where she could be?...' Until the responsible adult turns up or I hear someone yelling for a child.

I wouldn't pick one up or feed them.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe · 14/01/2016 16:42

Ifhe thrashes about during tantrums you really shouldn't be leaving him in a supermarket.

Especially not long enough for at least 4 separate people to get involved.

You say you were checking back every so often, was he not in your sight the whole time?

It is tough, believe me I know, I have an ever growing 7yo who has meltdowns a lot, in all sorts of places, but it doesn't sound like you are dealing with things in the safest way.

That doesn't excuse people picking him up, but he wasn't in a safe situation by the sound of it.

sellisx · 14/01/2016 16:42

The cafe is a separate incident!
Have you ever stood by your child when they've already had 8 tantrums? It's fucking hard!
I was literally three trolleys length away. And I don't mean laughing as hysterical laughing, I mean grinning like hah kind of laughing.
My OH is still in High dependency unit

OP posts:

Pipistrella · 14/01/2016 16:44

I don't understand why you were even smiling. He was obviously really upset.

Not criticising you - it is fucking hard I know. But why smile or laugh?

And sorry about your OH. That must be awful for you.

Stickerrocks · 14/01/2016 16:45

You're having a very tough time at the moment. Hopefully he's on the mend & everything will take a turn for the better soon. Take lots of deep breaths and maybe your little one won't pick up on the stress you're suffering.

MySordidCakeSecret · 14/01/2016 16:46

blimey if it's how you describe then yanbu for not wanting people to pick up your child?! who does that but maybe stay a bit closer to him in future maybe you're just ever so slightly too far away or it's something in how dismissive you're being because i've honeslty never had people interfering other than a "helpful comment" and i've had a share

Pipistrella · 14/01/2016 16:46

Was it just embarrassment? I mean were you embarrassed so you smiled?

I can understand that but that's what you shouldn't do - stuff what other people are thinking. They will be far more impressed if you are serious and look like you are working with your child.

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sellisx · 14/01/2016 16:47

He was upset because he had finished his crisps, so not hungry not tired, it's normal behaviour for him tbh. I've always dealt with it by leaving him to it. Otherwise he will try to hit and kick me

OP posts:

Sunnybitch · 14/01/2016 16:47

I'm sorry pipi but there is no way I'd have time to wait for a 20 min hiss fit to finish. I do the same as my mum did to me...3 warnings and if I still didn't listen then I'd go under the arm at which point i knew she meant buisness

goodnightdarthvader1 · 14/01/2016 16:47

Oh, yes, out come the judgey parents of MN: always doing it better than you.

Next you'll be accused of child abuse, OP.

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