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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be thinking about calling off the wedding over a "wedding watch?"

362 replies

watchwouldyoudo · 13/01/2016 14:01

,e and DH are getting married this summer. we set a budget of £20000 and are so far below that budget. we agreed at the start that anything left over would be used as spending money on our honeymoon.

DH came home the other day looking very proud of himself and said that he got himself a wedding watch. Ive never heard of such a thing, and he said that because were well under our budget that he could afford to buy himself a watch for the big day. he likes his designer watched and has a case with at elast 10 on his dresser (all rolex, omega etc).

the watch he bought cost £4000! His reasoning was that my dress, ring, shoes, hair, makeup and bridesmaids dresses/shoes/gifts cost more than his watch did and were still under budget. wed still leave us with 1000 to take on our honeymoon. I am absolutely fuming that he'd spend so much money just on himself. we had a big row and he went to sleep round his mums place (didnt even take the watch wtih him). im seriously considering calling off the wedding. how can he not see this from my point of viwe?

OP posts:
EponasWildDaughter · 13/01/2016 14:44

Hang on, why does him not wanting to wear a wedding band mean he's likely be unfaithful on business trips?

... any more than wearing one will stop him?

If he's going to be unfaithful he'll do it with or without his ring on.

Posters are adding the ring thing to the fact that he has said she ''needn't work if she doesn't want to'' and suddenly the bloke is a serial cheater Hmm

SanityClause · 13/01/2016 14:44

You need a wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses on a wedding day,

Actually, you need a celebrant/registrar, a witness, the parties to the marriage, and a license.

Everything else is frippery.

WilLiAmHerschel · 13/01/2016 14:44

It's not screaming happy marriage whichever way you read it.

MirandaWest · 13/01/2016 14:45

His parents need to make sure they live for 7 years past the wedding date in terms of inheritance tax. An amount will be exempt but if they die within 7 years there will be some inheritance tax payable.

BellaTheGymnast · 13/01/2016 14:45

i probably worded that a bit wrong. he said i dont need to work if i dont want to but hed like me to at least keep on top of things at home (as well as have my own free time during the day).

Are you planning on getting married in the 1950s?

Get a job and some independence, this doesn't sound healthy at all.

Of course it's not right to spend that much out of a joint budget without any prior discussion but yes, you'll wear your dress once, and his parents are paying for the whole thing (and your life of pottering round the house).

WickedWax · 13/01/2016 14:45

I'd marry him like a shot if I were you.

Seriously, if your life's ambition is to be a kept woman, which it seems it is, then get him down the aisle as quick as you can.

And stop fucking moaning about the watch.

Alternatively, get a job and add the proceeds to your wedding fund seeing as the total contribution from you or your side so far is fuck all. Hmm

Celticlassie · 13/01/2016 14:45

Actually it says " i dont need to work if i dont want to but hed like me to at least keep on top of things at home (as well as have my own free time during the day). "

This says to me that he's saying 'if you're not working at least do some housework' not 'be my full time servant'!

BathtimeFunkster · 13/01/2016 14:45

I think you are a fool to give up your independence to do a man's dusting, but I still think you have every reason to be pissed off that this man has spent 20% of your agreed wedding budget on an extremely expensive present for himself with no discussion.

You are his kept woman and now you know that he sees the money he keeps you with as his, and not yours.

Don't marry him. And get a job.

MirandaWest · 13/01/2016 14:46

£3,700 on a dress sounds a lot to me tbh but I've spent £200 on mine to wear in July and that still feels quite a lot to me. I think DP may well get himself a new watch (he has several watches as they are a thing he enjoys) but is more likely to spend £100 on one Smile

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 13/01/2016 14:46

Dh had his late Dad's ring at the service but never wore it again because of his job, it was later stolen when we were burgled. he should've worn it.

Notimefortossers · 13/01/2016 14:46

I'd go fucking nuclear

I have never heard this saying before. I bloody love it. Thank you Stillstayingclassy. I'll be keeping that one Wink

In this case I also agree whole heartedly

PaulAnkaTheDog · 13/01/2016 14:47

So he bought a watch of equal value to your dress? He also doesn't have a wedding ring? I see no issue at all.

As for the people insinuating financial abuse; OP's husband to be has not stopped her from working. He has given her the opportunity not to work and to be provided for. The comment about 'keeping on top of the housework' I'm assuming was clumsy wording from the OP, like a couple other bits of this thread. I'd assume he just meant that with him away a lot, if she didn't work then it meant she wouldn't be pushed to do stuff that he's not around to do.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 13/01/2016 14:47

I'd have spent £3,700 if I'd had the funds and the dress was gorgeous.

I am shallow.

Pseudo341 · 13/01/2016 14:48

I'd be reconsidering marrying this man. The fact that he doesn't want you working and didn't discuss the watch purchase with you in advance does very strongly imply he want to control all the money, which leaves you in a very vulnerable position. A special watch that he'll wear for years to come to commemorate your wedding is potentially quite a sweet idea, but it really doesn't sound like that's what it is. He wanted to buy himself something expensive and is using the fact that you've just bought an expensive wedding dress as an excuse.

Traditionally a wedding dress is considered necessary for a wedding and is expected to be expensive (I say this as someone who got married in a £130 plain dark evening dress), a watch is not. I think you could be setting yourself up for a lifetime of scoring points and counting costs with this man, which is not a good basis for a marriage.

shoeaddict83 · 13/01/2016 14:48

Sorry my jaws still on the floor at £3700 on a wedding dress for ONE day!! Shock

Up until that point i was seeing the OP's POV and thinking £4k on watch without consulting was ridiculous and unfair.... however the full story of it being inheritance from his parents, Op not working and spending just as much on a dress has kinda changed my mind...Hmm

WilLiAmHerschel · 13/01/2016 14:48

Don't marry him. And get a job.

I agree.

PoisonedPriestess · 13/01/2016 14:49

Eh, I feel sorry for OP. Who's to say he didn't want the fancy wedding and for all the wedding party to look nice and expensive and polished. If you've decided to spend £20k on a wedding then there must be some acceptance of a slightly posher-than-usual dress/location etc. After all, there'd likely be quite some talk if the bride and bridesmaids turned up in £30 dresses.

Regardless of what the OP is/isn't putting in to the relationship, a large unexpected purchase of this nature should have been discussed. Maybe OP could offer to engrave the shiny watch with the wedding date and names in lieu of the wedding ring Grin

Anyway, I wouldn't be too worried about the lack of wedding ring - my DH doesn't wear one because he is an engineer and has too many horror stories about jewelry getting caught in machinery and fingers/arms ripping off.

icanteven · 13/01/2016 14:49

LagunaBubbles

"I dont recall the OP saying she is "happy to be unemployed"

She said that she is "unemployed because he earns enough from the business and he'd rather I keep the house tidy" and " "I don't need to work if I don't want to but he'd like me to at least keep on top of things at home." It doesn't exactly sound like she is haunting jobs.co.uk in desperation, really.

I'm not criticising the decision to be a stay at home wife, but to put yourself in that position when you're not even married is foolhardy.

NameChange30 · 13/01/2016 14:50

I agree with MrsHathaway.

I also think that a watch is not equivalent to other wedding expenditure. If they wanted to make it completely fair, they would ensure that they spent the same on:

  • jewellery for the bride and groom (engagement ring for her, watch for him)
  • outfits for the bride and groom (dress for her, suit for him, shoes for both
They could also have an equal number of bridesmaids and groomsmen, and ensure equal amounts are spent on each. But I don't think this is really about spending equal amounts on each. I think it's more about making joint decisions about finances, and the fiance's attitude that it's his money and his decision.
Baressentials · 13/01/2016 14:51

You spent nearly £4k on a dress, he spent it on a watch. So far so fair - although I think it is wrong he didn't discuss it with you, assume you discussed the cost of your dress?
The rest of it and the fact you don't work and he wants you to "keep house" - don't marry and certainly don't have dc with him. If you do you will be back on here in a few years wondering how the hell to get out of your marriage.

JennyHk · 13/01/2016 14:51

My Husband got a watch for the same value of my ring, I bought it for him as a gift. I paid for it too out of my wage too not from his parents.

Why are you complaining about it when your ring probably cost as much and his parents are paying for it.

Leelu6 · 13/01/2016 14:51

YABU. The wedding money came from his parents. Your dress alone cost nearly £4k.

You will probably only wear the dress once. He can wear the watch forever and pass it on to kids.

SpoiltMardyCow · 13/01/2016 14:52

I can't believe you spent £3,800 on a dress, with the money coming from his parents, and you're moaning about his watch.

Sounds like he silently resents the money you are spending and is getting his own back. Passive aggressive spending.

Can't say I blame him. If it was YOUR money, and YOUR hard earned savings, wouldn't you be more cautious about spending that ludicrous amount of money on a DRESS that you will wear once, and probably spill red wine all over....

I think, as a person unemployed, you are on a pretty good wicket.

Micah · 13/01/2016 14:52

20k on a wedding?

Mine cost £600. As someone else said, everything else is frippery. You want a dress, he wants a watch. If its within budget, i cant see a problem except naybe ge should have discuused it first. Did he know you were spending 3.7k on your dress beforehand?

Stepawayfromthezebras · 13/01/2016 14:53

I've always thought it was unfair that women traditionally got engagement rings and men didn't get anything - very old fashioned. So I've always thought the idea of an engagement watch was a good one if the woman's getting an engagement ring.

And I think spending £4000 on a watch that will be worn often is more sensible that spending the same amount on a dress that will be worn once.

But I'd be wary of marrying someone who expected me to do the housework regardless of whether I had a job or not. And I'd also not want to marry someone who'd spend £4000 of joint money without discussing it beforehand.

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