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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be thinking about calling off the wedding over a "wedding watch?"

362 replies

watchwouldyoudo · 13/01/2016 14:01

,e and DH are getting married this summer. we set a budget of £20000 and are so far below that budget. we agreed at the start that anything left over would be used as spending money on our honeymoon.

DH came home the other day looking very proud of himself and said that he got himself a wedding watch. Ive never heard of such a thing, and he said that because were well under our budget that he could afford to buy himself a watch for the big day. he likes his designer watched and has a case with at elast 10 on his dresser (all rolex, omega etc).

the watch he bought cost £4000! His reasoning was that my dress, ring, shoes, hair, makeup and bridesmaids dresses/shoes/gifts cost more than his watch did and were still under budget. wed still leave us with 1000 to take on our honeymoon. I am absolutely fuming that he'd spend so much money just on himself. we had a big row and he went to sleep round his mums place (didnt even take the watch wtih him). im seriously considering calling off the wedding. how can he not see this from my point of viwe?

OP posts:
50000LiraForMyThoughts · 13/01/2016 14:24

If you're getting married, then any gifted money from parents (or otherwise) is joint money isn't it? That's how we do it anyway.

He just wanted to treat himself, and he should've been upfront and honest about it instead of pretending it's a necessary wedding expense and treating the OP like she's dim. What next, a Wedding Sports Car? a Wedding Les Paul?

BabyDubsEverywhere · 13/01/2016 14:25

I think he has a point tbh,
Did actually sit down and discuss prices of your dress and all the paraphilia that brides spend on themselves that typically guys don't get?
If you did and he could see there was a big gap in the budget and he could indulge too then I think its fair enough tbh. I wouldn't spend 4k on a watch, but then I think 20k on a wedding is pretty obscene too (whether its becoming more and more usual or not!)

He will keep and use the watch... how long will you're bridal hair/makeup last, how often will you wear your shoes/dress/accessories?

SoupDragon · 13/01/2016 14:25

TBH, if you've spent more than £4k on a dress etc that you are only going to wear for one day, the watch seems better value.

However, it should have been discussed.

SanityClause · 13/01/2016 14:25

I think it's quite nice if he gets a gift, in a similar way to your engagement ring.

It sounds like you might care about the "wedding" more than he does perhaps?

TBH, at least a watch has some value, and depending on the watch, this may increase. A wedding dress can be worn once, then has to be either stored or sold for much less than its original purchase price.

Bridesmaids dresses may also only be worn once, depending on the style.

While I agree that it should have been discussed, rather than being presented as a fait accompli, I do find it hard to fault his logic.

BathtimeFunkster · 13/01/2016 14:25

i am unemployed because he earns enough from the business and hed rather i keep the house tidty while he is away on business.

You are an idiot.

As a kept woman, you have no say over his spending.

scribblegirl · 13/01/2016 14:26

Ijustwannadance yeah, but if your H2B turns up without a watch, no-one would notice. If the bride turns up without a dress, however...

WilLiAmHerschel · 13/01/2016 14:26

My advice is do not marry this man. It will not end well.

scribblegirl · 13/01/2016 14:26

Sorry - missed the other pages, thread has moved on!

tiggerkid · 13/01/2016 14:26

So, financially you contribute nothing to the household, the money has come from his parents in lieu of his inheritance, you have spent £4K on a couple of dresses you'll only wear once, and you think he's the one in the wrong? Okayyyy. - I honestly don't think that's the issue here. The problem really seems to be that they agreed a budget and where it will go. Buying a 4K watch for the groom wasn't part of the budget. He decided to buy it without prior discussion with OP, which would be a reasonable thing to do in the situation.

However, OP, the more I read this thread, the more it seems to me that he feels he is somehow entitled to spend this money on himself because it's his parents, who are essentially paying for the wedding and he is the future provider whereas you will be tidying the house and having his babies, which I suppose he sees as a "free service" so to speak.

I agree with others: get a job and have some independence because you probably don't want to depend on someone like that. BTW, I also think that the story of not being able to return the watch because of opening the box is a lie. We aren't talking about underwear that he tried on here!

LurkingHusband · 13/01/2016 14:27

You need a wedding dress, bridesmaid dresses on a wedding day

Do you ?

Original poster
watchwouldyoudo · 13/01/2016 14:27

my dress cost £3700 and we have a separate account which we use fot all wedding expenses which started at 20000, now has about 1000. he has access to this online so i gueess that he did the maths from that.

OP posts:
EponasWildDaughter · 13/01/2016 14:28

I'm picturing this thread:

AIBU? I've gifted my daughter and future son in law a large amount of money towards their wedding as part of her inheritance. Son in law has spent £4000 of it towards his suit and best man's outfit. This was decided between the two of them. She's now been out and spent the same on a piece of jewelery for herself to commemorate their day and son in law is ''fuming that she's spent this on herself'' and ''thinking of calling off the wedding'' as .

hmm ...

NameChange30 · 13/01/2016 14:28

Hmmm, a few worrying things here.

Firstly:
"i am unemployed because he earns enough from the business and hed rather i keep the house tidty while he is away on businness."
It sounds like he wants to be in the position where he is earning the money and has all the power, including the power to make decisions about how the money is spent. He wants you to be his housewife. That's a pretty sexist, old-fashioned attitude. Do you want to be a housewife or would you prefer to work? Working would give you some independence, not just financial but also you would have colleagues and potential friends of your own. If the relationship ever broke down you would be able to keep working and supporting yourself. By relying on him financially you're making yourself vulnerable. If you decide to be a housewife and maybe a SAHM in future, you should still have an equal say about how money is spent, and in other important decisions.

Secondly, the watch. It wouldn't be out of the question for him to have a watch for the engagement or wedding. But that's something he should have discussed with you. And he's spent 20% of the wedding budget on the watch, when he already has a large collection of luxury watches. I wonder if there is a bigger issue here in terms of attitudes to money. How have you managed the finances until now, do you have separate accounts or a joint one? Have there been other big disagreements about money and spending?

NotNowBono · 13/01/2016 14:28

I think it's fair enough for a 'wedding watch' to equal the cost of an engagement ring, so you've both got something beautiful to wear every day but if it's just going to be added to his collection of expensive watches, it's not really the same as a diamond solitaire you never take off! I agree there are shades of 'this is my tax free inheritance cash so I'm going to spend some of it on me' here - and that's partly down to his parents for phrasing it like that, instead of 'we wanted to give you both a generous start to your married life.'

expatinscotland · 13/01/2016 14:29

'he said i dont need to work if i dont want to but hed like me to at least keep on top of things at home (as well as have my own free time during the day). '

So even if you work outside the home, you still have to do all the housework.

'he also said he doesn't want a ring as they dont suit him'

Of course not. Wouldn't want to wear one on those business trips away.

Wake up and smell the coffee!

50000LiraForMyThoughts · 13/01/2016 14:29

It's not unreasonable for him to buy himself a watch, of course. I think it's quite a good idea actually and seems only fair. If it was some £20 Argos job then no problem, but 4k is a vast sum to spend out of a set budget without at least a discussion first.

TBH I wouldn't marry him either.

icanteven · 13/01/2016 14:29

Is he trying to make a point about the inequality of the spending here? Does the 4k he reckons you spent on dress, ring, shoes, hair, makeup and bridesmaids dresses/shoes/gifts include your engagement ring? Is he not getting/wearing a wedding ring? Or do you mean the engagement ring?

If you are both earning, I don't really see why the engagement ring should come solely out of his own finances, to be honest.

I don't really have a problem with the equalising of the expenditure, because, well, frankly, 4k on a Rolex is a better investment than 4k on a wedding kit.

How he is presenting it (in a snarky way, or honestly stunned that you don't think it's fair) is more important here.

WilLiAmHerschel · 13/01/2016 14:29

I suppose it's fair if you bought your dress without consulting him on it's cost. Funny how he doesn't want to wear a wedding ring though.

NotNowBono · 13/01/2016 14:30

Oh, hang on. If your dress cost nearly £4000 and you're wearing it for one day, I can kind of see where he's coming from...

Are you on Don't Tell the Bride? Is his best man encouraging him to get the ushers' suits made in Savile Row while you and the bridesmaids get a Dominos for the hen?

AnnPerkins · 13/01/2016 14:31

Don't get bogged down in arguments about who's getting the most stuff. It's just stuff. What is important is that you are equal partners in your marriage, and that you both have a say in what large amounts of your JOINT wealth is spent on.

I would be unhappy about having so little financial independence if I were in your position.

LagunaBubbles · 13/01/2016 14:32

he said i dont need to work if i dont want to but hed like me to at least keep on top of things at home (as well as have my own free time during the day)

So after youre married regardless of whether you work or not he sees housework as completely your responsibility? Thats what it sounds like to me. I would not marry this man. I suspect you will and I can sadly predict the type of threads you will be posting then, especially if and when you have children.

TinklyLittleLaugh · 13/01/2016 14:32

So you get to stop at home with plenty of free time and a bit of tidying while he works. He has his own business and his parents have given you £20000 for your wedding. You have a joint account so all his money is basically yours.

Yeah run like the wind OP, he sounds a right loser. I'm sure you could do a lot betterHmm

HoneyDragon · 13/01/2016 14:32

I'm a kept woman.

We discuss any major expenditure.

Personally, I'd not have an issue over the watch at all, I agree with other posters who've pointed it expenditure on engagement rings, bridal jewellery etc.

However I'd be bemused and pissed off with the logic behind buying it.

Why not say, my parents gave us this money, I'd like to use some to treat myself to a nice watch and have something sentimental to remember the day? That's would would have me heading for the hills.

If the watch is affordable and no one is going without (and equally treated) it shouldn't be an issue.

expatinscotland · 13/01/2016 14:33

Are people really so hung on tit-for-tat that they calculate cost of ring, dress, bridesmaids and have to have a similar expenditure to make it all 'fair'? Tht's so childish. 'Well, you got this so I get to have that'. My 7-year-old does that.

teatowel · 13/01/2016 14:34

I started thinking he was totally in the wrong but have swung the other way. It is kind of part of his inheritance, it will grow in value and you have had a very expensive dress!

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