AIBU to not pay off DH's debt? (apols for long post)

[bookwormthatturned]

I'm trying to get some perspective on this so would appreciate your thoughts ....

My DH has largely not been employed for the last few years following losing his job at the same time as his father died. He has had a number of fresh starts which haven't worked out and has not had an easy time.
Discussing finances isn't something he is comfortable with so, after getting a vague response whenever I asked how he was financially I ended up leaving it to him to tell me. DH had an amount of cash reserves and was still contributing to the joint account.
It now transpires that he has a significant credit card debt. Talking about it DH had an expectation that I would pay this off (I received a legacy from a relative that would just about cover the debt).
I'm reluctant to do this. The same thing happened a few years ago and we put that amount onto our mortgage (DH had previously funded some improvements so we just 'refunded' an amount of this from the mortgage to cover the debt.)
I have offered to take out a joint 0% interest card and (I'm working so would have the credit rating to do this) transfer the debt onto this. I've also offered to cover the minimum payments while DH is job hunting but he doesn't want to do this. Instead his plan is to continue using the card and then pay it all off as soon as he gets a 'proper' job. I've been encouraging him to be flexible and look at any job to help the cash flow in the short term. He has now taken a Christmas casual job which is due to end shortly.

Sorry for a long post and all the background but I'm losing the plot here. Am I being an unsupportive cow not to just pay it off? My concern is that DH would just carry on using the card and things could escalate again.

TIA

So your husbands half isn't half, that was reduced when you wage went up and took on more of the payments

And he insisted on keep the nanny so he could start his own business?

That makes sense.

In that case I don't think the debt should be paid out of your legacy.

This is a situation of his own making. The fact that his plan is going to continue getting into debt, isn't ok.

The bikes need to go, imo. As a couple you can not afford the garage and it will pay some of the debt off. I don't think sahm should have to give up hobbies but if you can't afford it, you can't afford it.

You need to sit down and discuss this. You need to work out what can be done about childcare. Can you reduce your hours if he can only find something full time. Are you willing to do this? Do you want to do this?

If he finds something full time can you afford your nanny or before/after school clubs for the kids?

But for the time being, as pp said, you need to sort your finances as though he isn't working. Don't base it on when he is working.

He needs to be looking for his own job. No messing about. How you make sure he is actually putting effort in is a different matter. Is he likely to drag his feet? That more than anything will have an effect on your marriage.

If he gets an amazing job it's a bonus. You need to streamline your finances.

You shouldn't have to be flexible while he isn't working. He should be doing all the school picks, unless he is really ill or got an interview etc.

You need to acknowledge that you stuck your head in the sand too, but now that's over and you both have to face up to the truth.

Make a plan and move on. Don't spend your legacy on the debt yet. It's a good idea to have some savings.

Oh and separate finances can work.

But it's much more difficult if things are right and you both are not sensible with money.

If the bikes would only cover such a small amount of the debt, I think it's even more important to sell them ASAP.

Selling the bikes would be useful because it would make your DH take this problem seriously and take some responsibility for it. The financial aspects would be a bonus to that.

I can understand your frustration. It seems that he has been very secretive and unrealistic.
I do find your attitude and those of many posters on here a bit odd though. If you wanted to keep your finances totally separate then you shouldn't have got married. Because you are married, his debts are effectively now your debts and it doesn't make sense for him to be paying (probably high) charges on loans/credit cards while you have money in the bank. The charges will ultimately effect you as much as him.

Its totally understandable to not be able to get a job. And also to look after the kids when you cant afford to have a nanny any more.It isnt understandable that you continue to spend the income you no longer have, and also refuse to fully discuss the situation.

Your biggest problem is the lack of communication and the transparency of the finances.

You family has x income, y outgoings and a need for a certain amount of childcare how convenient for DH that they are all at school now
Together you need to work out how this is sorted. It sounds as if you use the flexibility of your job to do a lot of pick ups from school etc. Who does the housework?

I would be upset at how things were hidden from me, but perhaps he thinks it should have been obvious. How much of the debt was essential and how much was him just spending money?
How I would move forward depends on a lot of variables. Insisting on financial transparency from both of you is non negotiable though.
If he is genuinely pulling his weight, hasn't wasted money apart from on his one motorbike hobby and it is useful to have a sahp, then work on facilitating this. Use your inheritance too. If he's taking the piss on the other hand, not trying very hard to find a job, you do the majority of childcare/housework whilst you also earn the salary then no I wouldn't be so understanding. Who insisted on the nursery when the Nanny went? Was it him? Surely that was an unnecessary luxury if you can't afford it. How much you spend on luxuries should also be factored in.

I really don't understand this separate money thing. To me all money is family money and it should be agreed on how it is spent/earnt. If he's not going to be a sahp with all the responsibility that entails, then he needs to contribute by getting whatever job he can. If he won't do either then - bottom line, do you really want to be in the marriage? I certainly wouldn't.

how to engage with someone who doesn't seem to want to take up any suggestions

This. As you say, it's the crux of the issue. I know, because I am in the same situation. People can say you both need to sell xyz, sit down and discuss etc, but if every conversation ends up with him refusing to discuss, then you are stuck.

My situation is slightly different, as DH won't disclose his debt, but what I'm considering doing is writing DH an email, as though I was at work (so all emotion removed), setting out the financial position and saying that in order to work out how the hell we are going to get beyond the next few months whilst we spend my redundancy money, i need to know his level of debt. With a deadline for replying. I'm hoping something more formal might jolt him into action, give him time to consider everything and work out how he is going to talk about it. In your situation, I think I'd lay out 3 options for him to consider.

For those saying I don't understand why people keep separate finances when they are married, let me explain it from my perspective - it is so that if your partner ends up being crap with money, you have a better chance of retaining a decent credit score and not be tied to their crappy credit score when you have to sort things out/get a car loan/remortgage etc. Why would you want to put all your eggs in one basket? It's simple financial common sense, surely. It also protects against the other partner running off with all the money (unlikely, but you never know). And gives you some 'pocket money' (when you have spare cash between you) without having to consult your partner every 5 mins.

HidingInTheHills I understand why some people might want to keep finances totally separate but if you marry someone I don't think you can totally and I think it is quite odd/unrealistic that people expect to do so. If your spouse is paying huge charges for debt and has no income then it will ultimately impact on you if you stay together whether you like it or not especially if some things e.g. mortgage are joint. The fact that you are earning also has an impact on them because they can't claim benefits. I can't therefore see the sense in one person in the marriage having savings while the other is paying huge amounts in interest/charges in debt.

Selling the bikes may only get rid of 20% of the debts but that's only part of the story, it will reduce the interest every month by a significant amount.

If not the bikes then something else, he needs to concede on something as a gesture that hes accepting there may have to be some kind of lifestyle trimming-back to help address the debt.

I think it's possible to keep pretty separate finances in a marriage, but only if you have enough. If you need near enough everything for the bills and one partner decides they're spending their wage on something else, the other one is pretty much forced into involvement aren't they?