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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay off DH's debt? (apols for long post)

211 replies

bookwormthatturned · 13/01/2016 00:53

I'm trying to get some perspective on this so would appreciate your thoughts ....

My DH has largely not been employed for the last few years following losing his job at the same time as his father died. He has had a number of fresh starts which haven't worked out and has not had an easy time.
Discussing finances isn't something he is comfortable with so, after getting a vague response whenever I asked how he was financially I ended up leaving it to him to tell me. DH had an amount of cash reserves and was still contributing to the joint account.
It now transpires that he has a significant credit card debt. Talking about it DH had an expectation that I would pay this off (I received a legacy from a relative that would just about cover the debt).
I'm reluctant to do this. The same thing happened a few years ago and we put that amount onto our mortgage (DH had previously funded some improvements so we just 'refunded' an amount of this from the mortgage to cover the debt.)
I have offered to take out a joint 0% interest card and (I'm working so would have the credit rating to do this) transfer the debt onto this. I've also offered to cover the minimum payments while DH is job hunting but he doesn't want to do this. Instead his plan is to continue using the card and then pay it all off as soon as he gets a 'proper' job. I've been encouraging him to be flexible and look at any job to help the cash flow in the short term. He has now taken a Christmas casual job which is due to end shortly.

Sorry for a long post and all the background but I'm losing the plot here. Am I being an unsupportive cow not to just pay it off? My concern is that DH would just carry on using the card and things could escalate again.

TIA

OP posts:
HermioneJeanGranger · 13/01/2016 11:46

Bikes aren't tiaras!! No, but having a whole collection of them in a rented garage when you can't afford to keep them is a wholly unnecessary use of money!

MrsHathaway · 13/01/2016 11:49

It feels very much as though he has effectively spent your (singular) inheritance on his bikes. That's very different from spending his inheritance on doing up your (joint) house.

You can refuse to pay off the credit card debt, because it may not be the most efficient way of managing your finances as a whole. That's not a statement about whether or not he is profligate, but just that there are benefits to different strategies. Having no savings and no debt isn't necessarily the optimum.

I think you both need to be more honest about money. You are keeping your finances separate when you are married - which might feel fine forever, but doesn't represent your financial status under the law.

Bear in mind that any hit to his credit rating will also affect yours. That might influence any decisions you make.

ouryve · 13/01/2016 11:50

Don't take out a joint card with him. If he has no off button when it comes to spending then you run the risk of ending up being mired in the same debts. If he's not pulling his weight financially, then you need to do everything you can to keep a clean slate, yourself.
I think you need to keep at least some of the bequest as a "rainy day" fund for yourself. In your name, only, if it's yours, in the first place.

Summerisle1 · 13/01/2016 11:52

I wouldn't use your legacy to clear his debts. Otherwise this whole sorry circle of secrecy and spending beyond means goes round and round and round. Instead, he needs to accept that having a garage-full of motorbikes is a luxury you can't afford. It's not actually supportive of him to carry on allowing him to stick his head in the sand.

thegreysheep · 13/01/2016 12:04

For the feeling the OP was in part colluding, this is true up to a point, however the DH's stonewalling and refusal to discuss finances/job hunting must surely have contributed to OP keeping her head in the sand - no? As in, his tactics achieved the objective of making the matter so difficult to discuss and face that it was left lie for a while.

justwondering72 · 13/01/2016 12:06

I think this is an example of when separate finances for linked people goes wrong. If you are going to have separate accounts etc. It only works as long as there is a clear agreement about who pays for what, and that each party will be honest about their spending. With joint accounts, there's nowhere to hide.

Op, it doesn't sound like you and your oh are used to sitting down to talk openly about your shared finances. Maybe that's where you need to start? With a spreadsheet showing every single incoming and outgoing penny. Your oh needs to be faced with the grim reality of your family finances as they are right now - not when a 'real' job comes along, but right now. And once he (and you) are fully informed, you can work out together what is the best way to go forward.

DH and I have always shared everything financially, and I have probably brought more of 'my' money to the pot. We've had to have some really hard discussions about money over the years. But getting defensive / accusatory / angry solves nothing. Maybe that's the first thing to agree on: that you are both going to stay calm and rational when having this meeting.

BathtimeFunkster · 13/01/2016 12:09

Bikes aren't tiaras!!

That's true. Tiaras don't have running costs.

bettyberry · 13/01/2016 12:23

Don't pay the debt OP. When he can't afford it he will either pay it off by selling the bikes or it will be the rocket up his arse to get a job.

As you said, he says he will pay it off when he gets a proper job but he's not going to get that proper job when he knows you have money to pay off the debt.

JohnLuther · 13/01/2016 12:26

I don't know what I'd do in the OP's situation as I'd never expect my wife to contribute to the household bills if she'd lost her job and we decided that she should be a SAHP. So my question is, why was he expected to use his inheritance to contribute to the household income, use a credit card when the inheritance ran out but the OP shouldn't use her inheritance to help bail him out?

Viviennemary · 13/01/2016 12:27

It depends on how much this garage costs. If it's a significant amount then it must be looked at again. If you are married then I do think you have a certain responsiblity for each others finances. If one partner doesn't have a job and still has to carry on contributing to daily expenses then obviously whatever savings they have will run out. I don't agree you should just hand over your legacy to pay off the debt.

It all depends on how much money is coming in to the house and how much is going out. Continuing to use the credit card and then pay it off when he has a job is a very bad idea IMHO.

harshbuttrue1980 · 13/01/2016 12:36

Man earning and woman not at home. Woman wants luxuries and man says no. MN response - "all money is family money".

Woman earning and man at home. Man wants luxuries. MN response - "those not earning don't get luxuries" (to quote a previous poster).

Hmmm. Sexist much??

BathtimeFunkster · 13/01/2016 12:40

They didn't decide he would be a SAHD.

He is just a regular unemployed person who isn't trying very hard to get a job.

Summerisle1 · 13/01/2016 12:41

I don't see why not earning = not allowed luxuries. Regardless of gender. But I do see that neither the OP nor her DH have helped matters by allowing this culture of secrecy to get them to this state of affairs. If her OH is prepared to ask for money out of a personal legacy then surely, he ought to be considering how he might take some personal responsibility for his dire financial state of affairs. Starting by working out what could be sold strikes me as a constructive way forwards provided that this is accompanied by both of them sitting down and being honest about how they'll plan their joint finances in future.

Aussiemum78 · 13/01/2016 12:41

We aren't talking about access to family money, we are talking about holding significant assets that are unnecessary while running up debt.

I'd say the same if a sahm decided to take out a huge debt to buy a diamond necklace. It's ridiculous.

Whatdoidohelp · 13/01/2016 12:45

So he doesn't work, doesn't contribute and was thinking you would pay it off? You are a mug if you do. What will that teach him exactly?

He needs to move all cc debt to a 0% card and stop spending. If he doesn't work he has no reason/excuse to go out socialising, buying treats etc.

JohnLuther · 13/01/2016 12:47

He contributes by being a SAHP, please correct me if I'm wrong.

BathtimeFunkster · 13/01/2016 12:53

He can't afford luxuries. That's why he can't have them.

His plan to for his wife to pay off his credit card debt and that he will continue to accrue debt on that card paying general living expenses until he manages to find the "proper job" he has been failing to find for 3 years.

He is refusing to accept the reality of his financial and employment situation and trying to force his wife into using her money to collude in his fantasies.

AndNowItsSeven · 13/01/2016 12:53

Op morally the debt is half yours, you are a couple why does your dh not have access to a joint account. Why do you want him to pay for food on a cc?
Is your dh providing " free childcare so you can work"?
I really don't understand the mentality of " I work so it's my money" .

BathtimeFunkster · 13/01/2016 12:58

Neither legally nor morally is a debt taken out without your knowledge or agreement yours.

Your husband needs to accept the financial realities of his situation, and that means he needs to stop borrowing money against a job he might never get.

Topseyt · 13/01/2016 13:03

He might be a pretty compulsive spender AndNow.

He doesn't seem to see a problem with continuing to run up his credit card debt and doesn't want to cut the card up if it does get paid off

That sort of attitude could cause problems if he had access to a joint account, so I would be wary of that in cases like these.

variousthings · 13/01/2016 13:17

Completely agree harshbuttrue!

Katenka · 13/01/2016 13:50

I don't see why not earning = not allowed luxuries

It doesn't but if you have got into debt to keep that hobby it should be up to you to sort paying it.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 13/01/2016 13:50

His plan to for his wife to pay off his credit card debt and that he will continue to accrue debt on that card paying general living expenses until he manages to find the "proper job" he has been failing to find for 3 years.

Worse actually BathtimeFunkster, he's planning to continue accruing debt to cover the expenses of keeping the bikes too. Whichever way you slice it, they don't sound like they can afford the expense of keeping and housing multiple vehicles. It's a terrible plan, regardless of the extent that OP might be at fault in having enabled things thus far.

Katenka · 13/01/2016 14:00

Johnluther I agree.

But the OP is being quite vague about it.

If she demanded he still pay his half, then it's a different ball game.

As I said before the Op said she increased her hours. If he wanted to spend his money on paying the bills and didn't talk to her about running out of money that's on him.

But she works more hours since he lost his job, but he is still paying half of the bills. So why did she increase her hours if she thought he had plenty of money. And what has she been doing with that extra money.

She said it was difficult for him to find a job because she increased her hours and childcare was a problem. So her pay increases but he still paid half the bills and as the sahp had to find a job that worked around the children.

It's very more complicated than I first thought.

peggyundercrackers · 13/01/2016 14:23

who has said the bikes are worth a lot of money? they might be a bunch of old things that aren't worth anything...

the DH has used his money to keep paying half the household bills - OP where did you think his money was coming from when he was paying these bills if he wasn't working? you must have known he didn't have money if he wasn't working?

if his garage is a lockup rented then it wont cost a lot of money, we used to have one and it was only something like £8 a week so hardly a luxury.

if all money is family money why has OP not shared her wages with her DH? actually Katenka has asked some pertinent questions.