AIBU to not pay off DH's debt? (apols for long post)

[bookwormthatturned]

I'm trying to get some perspective on this so would appreciate your thoughts ....

My DH has largely not been employed for the last few years following losing his job at the same time as his father died. He has had a number of fresh starts which haven't worked out and has not had an easy time.
Discussing finances isn't something he is comfortable with so, after getting a vague response whenever I asked how he was financially I ended up leaving it to him to tell me. DH had an amount of cash reserves and was still contributing to the joint account.
It now transpires that he has a significant credit card debt. Talking about it DH had an expectation that I would pay this off (I received a legacy from a relative that would just about cover the debt).
I'm reluctant to do this. The same thing happened a few years ago and we put that amount onto our mortgage (DH had previously funded some improvements so we just 'refunded' an amount of this from the mortgage to cover the debt.)
I have offered to take out a joint 0% interest card and (I'm working so would have the credit rating to do this) transfer the debt onto this. I've also offered to cover the minimum payments while DH is job hunting but he doesn't want to do this. Instead his plan is to continue using the card and then pay it all off as soon as he gets a 'proper' job. I've been encouraging him to be flexible and look at any job to help the cash flow in the short term. He has now taken a Christmas casual job which is due to end shortly.

Sorry for a long post and all the background but I'm losing the plot here. Am I being an unsupportive cow not to just pay it off? My concern is that DH would just carry on using the card and things could escalate again.

TIA

Ok so this has happened before. I would transfer cc and agree a set payment each month. Then agree no cc use at all for spending

So you are saying SAHP should not have access to the household income and should not be allowed hobbies, they should stay home and clean only and the breadwinner will give them pocket money if they they it is warrented

Jenny, its very clear that I said nothing of the sort. It is also very clear that you have your own agenda on this thread that has you either ignoring or purposely misreading what people are posting.

For that reason, I shall be ignoring you from now on.

I reckon he didn't speak up when his money ran low because he couldn't be bothered to get a job, despite extra money clearly being needed to maintain their lifestyle. He purposely deceived her to keep his cushy deal up, relying on the fact OP will pay it all off for him. Obviously I can't know for sure, but I doubt he was abused into spending him money + more, he just enjoyed sitting on his bum.

Now it's come back to bite him on said bum and he's going to have to sell the unnecessary luxury items to protect his family from the debt HE'S put them in. And then he can actually put effort into getting a job, since he clearly hasn't been doing, and he can buy bikes again.

His*

Also I think it's a bit ridiculous calling OP abusive for 'disallowing hobbies' when she's not said she will sell the bikes? (Unless I missed it)

You cant spend like you have two incomes coming in, and then look to your partners one-off payout as a way to fill the gap. Everyone has to live within their budget, and your households budget is now just your income.
If thats now become the joint "family" income, then all spending and debt also becomes "family" debt and outgoings and needs to be discussed and reviewed. If you can carry in as you are then great. If not, choices need to be made about what you keep doing and paying for, and what you dont.
If you or he are not happy about that then he needs to find a way to find his half.

He cant keep spending like hes earning, and then present you with the bill.

I wouldn't pay off his debts.

Oh my god, no. DH and I share all finances, it is all "our" money. However, no way would I use a bequest to pay off credit card debt DH had hidden from me. Especially when DH could pay it off himself by relinquishing an expensive hobby. The PP saying that is unfair is being ridiculous. DH has supported me financially at times when I have been unemployed, that is like me going out and buying a horse then getting a credit card to pay the livery. It just would not happen. It's unfair.

This is not a financial problem. It's a relationship problem.

Wow, thanks for all the comments:

Fidelia you asked
“Why did you have to do the job search? How do you feel about him not taking responsibility for himself, for getting a job etc? Do you often find yourself taking on this parental role in your relationship?

• What do you think will happen if you step back and refuse to pick up the pieces for him?

I agree with others that this needs to be a joint solution, but quite frankly, it reads like it becomes your problem to solve. The reason I suggest stepping back, is to let him feel the consequences of his actions and then come to you as a true partner, with openness and honesty. At the moment he seems to be putting himself in a child role, which necessitates you being the 'parent'...it's a form of emotional manipulation and it's not fair on you.”

Yes, I do sometimes feel I end up taking on responsibility and a ‘parental’ role which can then end up with DH’s focus shifting onto what’s wrong with whatever I’m trying to do and it becoming my problem. This is what I’m trying to avoid here but, if he won’t engage and still wants to leave the credit card as it is and pay it off when he gets a ‘proper’ job then I’m struggling to see alternatives to just biting the bullet and taking action if we can’t reach an agreement.

Katenka – you asked why DH was contributing towards the bills while he wasn’t working. I can see how this seems weird but at that point he had a significant capital sum from his inheritance plus periodic earnings from jobs. Whenever I checked in with him he said he still had an amount in the bank and so I left it at that. Once the credit card bill came to light I suggested he stop the contribution and, rather than pay for food etc from the joint account, to transfer an amount onto the credit card each month to cover it which would then cover the minimum repayment needed. I’ve upped my hours to maximise the family income.

We both have equal access to the joint account.

Johnluther – you asked “why was he expected to use his inheritance to contribute to the household income, use a credit card when the inheritance ran out but the OP shouldn't use her inheritance to help bail him out?” – I didn’t expect DH to do this, it was something he did. I didn’t know he had accumulated the credit card balance and once I did I suggested he stop contributing to the bills. Definitely crap communication but not any expectation from me that he’d contribute when he didn’t have any resources to do so.

AndNowItsSeven – you asked “Is your dh providing " free childcare so you can work"?” – It’s more a case that at the moment I’m the sole earner and so we need to maximise my income. Up until a year or so ago we had a nanny and kept them on even when DH was ‘between jobs’ so that he did have time to job hunt / attend interviews / and could take on a job without being stymied by having to find childcare at short notice but this wasn’t something we could continue with.

Peggyundercrackers – you asked about the bikes and garage costs. You’re right the value of the bike wouldn’t cover the credit card balance but they would contribute. The garage costs around £1200 a year. I haven't said to DH that he 'has to' sell the bikes - he's suggested it in the past but it hasn't happened yet.

Really you've both been irresponsible in dealing with finances and the reality of the situation since he lost his well paying 'proper' job.

You need to sit down and discuss with complete honesty and realistically calculate your income and outgoings and adjust your budget accordingly including selling unnecessary items and cutting back where you can. You've both made mistakes, that can't be undone but you can rectify where you are now. Keeping the debt such that you're also paying interest on it if that's not necessary is crazy. Any debt adviser would tell you to get it shifted to a lower or 0% interest method asap.

You also need a discussion about whether he's going to be a sahp - perfectly acceptable decision if you can afford it, but I'd also say he should then be taking on the majority of the childcare, housework and organisation of the household, not just paying lip service to the arrangement - or if he's going to look for work. If he is going to look for work he needs to do it properly. Setting up job notifications, registering a revamped CV with as many agencies as possible, checking vacancies frequently, investigating if training either in new skills or to update his current skills is a possibility.

Time to be blunt I think and complete honesty from bit of you.

– I didn’t expect DH to do this,

But he did. What I can't understand and feel you are purposely being vague about....is why when he had no job, was being a sahp to at least one child not at school and you increased your hours.....he was still paying half the bills.

Did he insist?

You must have known roughly how much he had. You know how much his half of the bills are. You must have known that he was running low. Or was he also spending out of this inheritance and it's disappeared quicker than it should?

I wouldn't pay this because he didn't tell you he was accumulating debt.

But a sahp (wether by stealth or not) shouldn't be expected to contribute half to the bills and if he paid bills out of his inheritance and you were happy with this, then you should be prepared to pay bills out of yours.

I also don't get why you increased your hours if you thought he could still comfortably pay the bills. And what you have been doing with the extra money you have been earning? Him being at home, wether through choice or not, enabled you to earn more.

It does seem that the problem here has started with the splitting of bills when he lost his job.

Inheritance should either be joint money or separate. Not one persons is joint and others is their own. But you have muddied the waters by his being used for joint bills.

Tbh I would be spending mine on joint bills from now on. Streamlining outgoings, getting rid of what you can't afford and telling him he must find a job and gets no more debt.

Set a time limit if you must (not sure how feasible this is as I don't know the job market where you live). You (as in both of you) also have to sort out childcare. If you can afford it or one of you or both looking at part time/reduced hours if you can't.

I haven't said to DH that he 'has to' sell the bikes - he's suggested it in the past but it hasn't happened yet.

Sounds like an empty gesture to me. He has offered but not actually done it.

Right so DH has used his inheritance to pay the household bills, for whatever reason when that money has ran out he's bunged it on credit cards despite the fact that he's a SAHP and the OP has benefited from this, it's only fair that the OP uses her inheritance to help clear the debt.

If the genders were reversed then the responses would be oh so different.

Given he used his inheritance to pay household bills I think you have to help him out clearing his cc debt given some of it was used to pay bills, what's good for the goose is good for the gander as they say.

Johnluther is correct if this was the other way about people would be screaming about financial abuse and to ltb because he's not giving you money.

'Given he used his inheritance to pay household bills I think you have to help him out clearing his cc debt given some of it was used to pay bills, what's good for the goose is good for the gander as they say.'

He used it to avoid getting a job when they had not agreed on his staying at home.

I've been a sahp for two years now and there is no way I could have contributed half towards the bills
I'm not sure how you thought he was doing it
And he may have been out of paid employment but he's had pre school children to look after! That's not sitting around doing nothing.

I completely understand how angry you must be that he has ran up debts, but it doesn't sound like either of you are very good at sharing information with one another regarding money

He probably would have more incentive to find a job if he did not have the bikes to tinker with..... I am sure he is happy as a larry, enjoying hobbies and leisure with the odd casual work in between.

But now that he has spent his inheritance on this, he needs to think again.

Where does it say he's used his inheritance to avoid work?

I think a lot of posters are filling in the gaps in suit their own feelings about the DP.

Where does it say he's been gaming? tinkering with bikes all day?
It doesn't

It's as stereotypical as saying as a sahm I go out to lunch and have fake bakes and a much younger Italian lover

It does say that they kept the nanny for a large part of his job searching time until they couldnt afford to keep them, so he certainly hasnt been a fulltime SAHP and that clearly wasnt the intention either.

"He used it to avoid getting a job when they had not agreed on his staying at home."

he was looking after the kids when they got rid of the nanny - or did the kids miraculously look after themselves? seriously if they didn't agree it who did OP think was looking after their kids?

also glad to see posters think its easy to walk into a job after being unemployed for several years... do you really think the DH wants to be earning no money? im surprised no one has called him a benefits scrounger yet...

Its totally understandable to not be able to get a job.
And also to look after the kids when you cant afford to have a nanny any more.
It isnt understandable that you continue to spend the income you no longer have, and also refuse to fully discuss the situation.