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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to not pay off DH's debt? (apols for long post)

211 replies

bookwormthatturned · 13/01/2016 00:53

I'm trying to get some perspective on this so would appreciate your thoughts ....

My DH has largely not been employed for the last few years following losing his job at the same time as his father died. He has had a number of fresh starts which haven't worked out and has not had an easy time.
Discussing finances isn't something he is comfortable with so, after getting a vague response whenever I asked how he was financially I ended up leaving it to him to tell me. DH had an amount of cash reserves and was still contributing to the joint account.
It now transpires that he has a significant credit card debt. Talking about it DH had an expectation that I would pay this off (I received a legacy from a relative that would just about cover the debt).
I'm reluctant to do this. The same thing happened a few years ago and we put that amount onto our mortgage (DH had previously funded some improvements so we just 'refunded' an amount of this from the mortgage to cover the debt.)
I have offered to take out a joint 0% interest card and (I'm working so would have the credit rating to do this) transfer the debt onto this. I've also offered to cover the minimum payments while DH is job hunting but he doesn't want to do this. Instead his plan is to continue using the card and then pay it all off as soon as he gets a 'proper' job. I've been encouraging him to be flexible and look at any job to help the cash flow in the short term. He has now taken a Christmas casual job which is due to end shortly.

Sorry for a long post and all the background but I'm losing the plot here. Am I being an unsupportive cow not to just pay it off? My concern is that DH would just carry on using the card and things could escalate again.

TIA

OP posts:
whois · 13/01/2016 10:02

You'd be a fool to pay off his debts when he has significant surplus assets (the bikes) he could sell.

whois · 13/01/2016 10:16

Although a slightly more helpful way of looking at it might be that 'the join household income has reduced, what can we do to reduce our expenses/pay off debts'.

I really really really don't see why he wouldn't move the debt to a 0% card? That makes no sense to me.

Explain you don't want to use all the inheritance to pay down debts as it will leave you in a bad situation with no rainy day funds.

Moving to a 0% card, paying half off from your inheritance, selling all but one of his bikes (or all of them if you can't afford the rent in the garage) and having a talk about how to reduce expenditure in the medium/longer term.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 13/01/2016 10:17

Katenka, OP has referred to herself as having 'basically colluded' with DH, so I think the truth is somewhere in the middle.

OP, would the bikes cover the debt if sold? Leaving aside the debt for a moment, are you able to manage on just your income or is it necessary for day to day expenses, let alone debts, for him to bring in some money soon?

MiniCooperLover · 13/01/2016 10:19

Stop tip toeing around him !! Yes it's knocked his confidence, that's a shame but he needs to get over it. After all, he's had plenty of time! But you actually aren't helping him by pandering to any male ego. If you don't want to pay off his debt then make it clear he needs to. But if you aren't willing to actually face the problem yourself then you are as bad as him for sticking your head in the sand.

Katenka · 13/01/2016 10:21

Katenka, OP has referred to herself as having 'basically colluded' with DH, so I think the truth is somewhere in the middle.

I think so too. I think the OP has sat back knowing his money has run out.

At the end of the day he has got into debt paying household bills. I don't think that the OP should pay the debt. But a conversation about household money should have gone on longer before now.

But I do think she needs to think about why they both the person that was a sahp (granted not through choice) was still paying half towards household bills.

OP if you increased your hours but dh is still paying half the household bills, where is you money going?

Idontknowwheretogo · 13/01/2016 10:27

Just so I understand, if in a partnership one person loses their job they should:

Fund their share of expenses out of savings.
Not see the other persons money as theirs.
Get a credit card to to help pay their debts.
Sell their things to cover expenses.

Sounds horrendous.

Katenka · 13/01/2016 10:30

idont

Not exactly. But I get the impression the dh wanted to keep paying half the bills out of his savings. In which case he is in the wrong for not discussing the fact that this money has gone and he was no longer able to do this.

Either he spent the money elsewhere or knew it would lead to the bikes being sold.

As I said the conversation of household bills being split should have happened long ago.

And he can't continue to pay half of the bills when he has no money. That said he does need find a job.

BathtimeFunkster · 13/01/2016 10:34

How very disingenuous, Idont.

If someone is out of work for 3 years then no, they should not imagine they get to keep and pay to store multiple luxury items while their spouse gives them all their money.

Idontknowwheretogo · 13/01/2016 10:38

Balls is it disingenuous, it is my opinion.

And he is working, albeit temporarily.

HidingInTheHills · 13/01/2016 10:42

I feel your pain. I'm in a similar situation, except that DH doesn't expect me to bail him out of his debt.

Unfortunately my DH doesn't have anything valuable to sell, otherwise I'd be flogging all his worldly posessions, but in your situation I would be demanding that he sells the bikes. He can always buy more once the money comes in again.

I know they aren't your debts, but I'm wondering (for my own situation too), whether you end up paying for them anyway, either indirectly because you end up covering his share of living costs and expenses, or directly because when it comes to remortgaging his credit rating will probably be shot and prevent you remortgaging (our situation) or you would have to take on the mortgage yourself. I'm not sure even LTB would resolve it, as if he has no money but you do, I fear (but have no clue - I'm not a lawyer) a court might say he is entitled to some of your assets to ensure he had enough to get set up again. No idea if this is a reality, would love to know for my own situation.

It's a truely shit, sorry you are having to deal with it.

BathtimeFunkster · 13/01/2016 10:44

He expects his wife to waste a legacy left to her by a relative paying off a debt he ran up without her knowledge.

He expects her to do this whole he maintains multiple motorcycles in a garage he rents.

She would be an irresponsible, ungrateful fool to do as he wants.

She bailed him out of debt before.

He's had his chance.

Now she needs to protect herself and her children from his profligacy.

Katenka · 13/01/2016 10:59

*And he is working, albeit temporarily.+

The op said it was a Christmas job. Christmas is over

Katenka · 13/01/2016 11:02

idont do you think a sahp should be able to run up debt and expect their partner to pay it off?

I would be interested to know how the decision, for him I keep paying half, was reached.

As I said if he insisted on paying half of bills, but never brought up that his reserve was gone. Then it's his fault.

Although I do think the OP had a fairly good idea what he was doing.

I really don't think the OP should spend her money paying off the debt. But I do think she has some small part in the situation

nauticant · 13/01/2016 11:05

What would happen OP if you said to your DH "It's clear that the bikes have to be sold, and the garage given up, while we work together on how your debts can be tackled."?

wafflerinchief · 13/01/2016 11:06

I feel a bit sorry for him - I'm in that situation too - 2 DC, (IT) world has evolved, harder to get contracts, hard to accept you're not 'worth' what you were - you could read this kindly that he's been trying to keep his end of the deal up by making contributions he couldn't afford. Also, while you have sale-able assets, they clearly mean a lot to him. I'd sit him down, say you're using the legacy to pay down the mortgage, meanwhile you move the debt onto a 0% card with a repayment plan and give DH 3 months to find a permanent job otherwise the bikes will have to be sold to reduce outgoings. I wouldn't immediately start shredding his favourite possessions - you're not quite there yet.

Fidelia · 13/01/2016 11:12

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Zorigami · 13/01/2016 11:14

Its not a nice position to be in at all. As you feel it's a problem you've colluded in, then perhaps approach it from the we need to do this because...... (as opposed to you need to do such and such...)

I tend to approach all problems with the what would happen if I/DH dropped down dead tomorrow.

So, you'd need spare cash - keep the legacy
Who rides motorbikes this time of year - prob not a good time to sell, but I would hope that they are at least SORN'd? Thereby saving a load of expense on petrol etc. Sell them in the spring then when DH gets a proper job and is properly solvent he can buy a better model.

In the meantime, it would be more cost effective to trf debt to 0% as you've said.

I think someone else said about credit report - you can register with Experian and get 1 month free and the report is quite detailed. Perhaps seeing the rating right in front of him might help.

I have said the above as I am not the greatest with finances and can be very very sensitive about perceived criticism from my DH about spending. That's the kind of approach that would have worked with me. I am not in debt now and haven't been for a few years and will never do it again. The whole male pride thing is really hard. I hope that you as a unit find a way to sort your current probs, whilst DH is looking for the forever job.

FannyTheChampionOfTheWorld · 13/01/2016 11:19

The problem with keeping very separate finances in a partnership, especially a marriage, is that it only really works when you've got enough AND both parties are sensible. Or if you have no assets at all maybe. Otherwise, it ends up being both parties problem.

Shetland · 13/01/2016 11:21

I'm with lalaloopy

If this was the other way round and DW was running up debts due to paying half the living expenses whilst unemployed I imagine the responses would be rather different.

That said, he does need to change his attitude.
Bikes are an expensive luxury he can't afford and he needs to get a job, any job, ASAP. He can keep looking for a better job but he needs to be bringing some money in in the mean time. He will also probably find it easier to get a better job whilst working than whilst unemployed.

I do have sympathy for his situation - I got made redundant from a well paid job and am now earning less than half what I did before. But I also don't own horses any more either. It sucks, but what can you do.

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/01/2016 11:25

*Just so I understand, if in a partnership one person loses their job they should:

Fund their share of expenses out of savings.
Not see the other persons money as theirs.
Get a credit card to to help pay their debts.
Sell their things to cover expenses.

Sounds horrendous.*

None of that would have happened if OP's DH spoke to her, and did more to look for a job. From what OP has said, he didn't look very hard until recently, which would have been fine if he could afford it, but he clearly couldn't.

If DP ran up debt without my knowledge and expected me to use an inheritance to pay for it, I would be telling him where to go. If he'd spoken to me from the offset (i.e when his money was running low) we could have talked about it and sorted something out.

Why shouldn't he sell his stuff to pay the debt HE ran up on HIS credit card? His wife had no knowledge of it, why should she bail him out again?

RB68 · 13/01/2016 11:37

I think the real issue here is no shared finances - it shouldn't have been a secret that there was debt - there should have been a recognition by BOTH people that he couldn't afford tokeep paying half of everything without a job - when you are married you become a team - he has to swallow his pride and be open about money which he is clearly poor with and recognise he has an expensive hobby. It is untenable in the relationship finances to continue with this - rented garages shouldn't be v expensive at all per month - 30 to 50 quid unless in London, whilst if H was single I would suggest sell it all and get himself solvent he isn't. He does need something to keep him sane (sounds like there is some depression in there possibly too) so I would suggest that he rationalises what he has - maybe gets a project to do up and later sell as a low key way of making a bit of money and paying back his debt - doing it once wouldn't be seen as a business. W needs to chill out a bit on the control front, I do agree she will do him no favours paying off the debt - he won't learn from it, so I suggest a joint developed plan where its win win. So for e.g. Rationalise bikes, is there a cheaper garage, are there things he can do at home to save money/contribute etc and Once he has met say half the debt then there will be x contribution from legacy to debt, plus say a weekend away from it - as a bit of a celebration. At that point it could become joint debt and be paid monthly a fair amount form the joint pot (yes mostly funded by W wages but its all family income). He feels supported, he is made responsible for his debt, things get rationalised and debt reduces signigficantly. Perhas try some of the debt advise forums to check out different ways to save money and pay down debt.

BathtimeFunkster · 13/01/2016 11:39

If it were the other way around and an unemployed woman expected her husband to use the entirety of a bequest to pay off her credit card debt while she continued to pay to store her collection of tiaras safely, I can presume people would not be advising him to go ahead.

RB68 · 13/01/2016 11:41

it doesn't matter who ran the debt up - key thing is should be a joint decision given there is joint liability. Anyone staying at home and contributing more to home life should be seen as part of the relationship and have fair access to money - otherwise it is at worst abusive and at best controlling.

variousthings · 13/01/2016 11:42

Bikes aren't tiaras!!

I'd pay it. All money family money, including debt

Katenka · 13/01/2016 11:45

Bikes aren't tiaras!!

They area luxury that he can't afford.

The keys things to this for me is

Why did he keep contributing half towards the bill. Why was that decisions made.

And why did he not revisit it, instead of getting into debt.

Also the OP says she starting working more hours. If they were both paying half the bills before and he is still paying half, what is she doing with the extra money?