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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

deceased mothers items sister now wants

180 replies

Murphyslaw21 · 11/01/2016 17:36

Ok my mum passed 4 years ago my relationship with my sister has never been good. But we dealt with mums house and belongings very well.

Mum had some beautiful picture frames 2 large 2 medium and four small now they are stunning etched glass. My sister did not want them so I had them.

Now my sister has decided she would like one. I am using them and understand that she would want one but I have them displayed with pictures in them. I want to give her two small ones however I know she wants a large one. AIBU to say that because she didn't want them and I am using them I want to keep big ones.

I know she will be pissed off but i want to see what others think.

OP posts:

NoSquirrels · 12/01/2016 21:12

Can't you just say: "Sis I have thought about you wanting one of the picture frames, and I just wish you'd mentioned it anytime before now - we've just hung them all as a set, as you've seen, and DH and I took a lot of trouble over choosing the photos to go in them and hanging them right. Because you didn't want them at all at the time when we split up Mum's stuff, I've come to think of them as mine now. If you'd asked before we'd hung them I would happily have split them up, but I really don't want to have to split them now. Sorry. But I will definitely make sure you have first refusal if we ever decide to stop using them."

And go from there?

I would almost certainly give up something sentimental if one of my siblings wanted it, but that's because they're really lovely and not at all piss-takers and would only ask if it was deeply felt for them. Doesn't sound as if that's the situation here at all.

CFSsucks · 12/01/2016 21:18

Sounds like your DH has got the measure of your sister. I completely agree with him.

TheGoodEnoughWife · 12/01/2016 21:35

LTB! Nah, only joking!

I agree with him and also think you should keep them. People only take the piss if you let them, nice smile and a No, that doesn't work for me

Original poster

Murphyslaw21 · 12/01/2016 21:48

Now I'm thinking I should of refused when she first said it. I said oh ok. Caught me of guard. Now she has mentioned it again "don't forget the picture frame" and I said I haven't. When I get a chance I'll give it to you.

Now how can I go back and say No

Or could I say something like actually I think I want them. After all they are up and being used and it will look wrong to take them down.

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/01/2016 21:59

Tell her she caught you off guard, you've given thought to the situation and you want them to stay where they are.

You can change your mind , they're yours and you're keeping them.

Let her sulk if she chooses to, that's her choice.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 12/01/2016 22:00

She's expecting you to do as she commands, don't do it .

StayWithMe · 12/01/2016 22:09

OP, you can tell her, like a previous poster suggested, that you've had time to think about it and you've had them so long that you're too emotionally attached to them. I'm really angry on your behalf OP, as I think she's only doing it because she wants to mess up your lively setting. Tell her your mum got them as a set and you want them to stay that way. It's time you got angry with her OP. The more you say about her, the more of a fecker she sounds.

StayWithMe · 12/01/2016 22:10

Lovely setting, not lively.

Original poster

Murphyslaw21 · 12/01/2016 22:25

I'm reading your replies and they make sense. So why I am I feeling guilty.... Oh yes cause that's why my sister is great at doing. Making me feel bad and I always give in.

Hubby just said about ten mins ago. You always roll over. It's always you that gives up and it's always you that tries to make amend.

OP posts:

NewLife4Me · 12/01/2016 22:32

She will come for a visit and try to help herself.
Guard them with you life

NameChangeAnon · 12/01/2016 22:45

I would simply say 'I've been thinking of the frames, and you know what? We split stuff, you got some; I got some. These frames are out in my house because they remind me of how much Mum liked them and those are my memories. I'm not prepared to give any of them away.'

You don't really want to give them away. This thread is about it and you do not have to excuse that. They are part of your legacy from your mother, the best kind of legacy - something personal. She has her memory items and you are entitled to have yours, enjoy them as you will, and not to have to even consider this request.

A friend and I are trying this and so far it's working out well. I think you might need to also try this with your sister.

NotSorry Method. It has two steps:

1 Decide what you don’t give a fuck about

2 Don’t give a fuck about those things

Not Sorry is how you should feel when you’ve accomplished this.

(Sarah Knight, writing in The Guardian)

Hygge · 12/01/2016 23:12

Your husband is right.

I agree you should tell her that she caught you by surprise and put you on the spot, but having had time to think about it you are going to keep them.

You don't have to explain why, just keep telling her that she put you on the spot and you didn't have time to think clearly, but now you have, you know you don't want to give them away.

Just keep repeating yourself, it works better than arguing or justifying your decision. You don't have to do either because she had her chance to ask for some of the frames years ago and she didn't. And she hasn't offered you anything she chose either.

Keep the frames, buy her something similar for her birthday.

SpecialSnowflake · 12/01/2016 23:57

What's more upsetting, giving in and letting her have them, or having the likely awkward conversation where you refuse to?
From what you've written, I'd say the former, and reckon you'd regret it from the second you handed them over.

If it's too daunting, just text her - it's not something you HAVE to call about or say in person, just text her "Sorry sis, I'm really fond of Mum's frames, especially now they're all up, and have decided to keep the set together. Hope you don't mind, OP"

TheGoodEnoughWife · 13/01/2016 06:28

Good message idea but I would leave out the 'hope you don't mind' as it is too open to her saying actually she really does mind.

Texting is fine in this situation and will be the easiest way for you to get your point across.

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 13/01/2016 07:00

Don't add 'Hope you don't mind'.

You mind and they're staying where they are because they belong to you.

You really need to stay bloody minded about this and not fall for any flannel or emotional manipulation she might try.

SSargassoSea · 13/01/2016 07:45

Changes in the dynamics in families can lead on to both sides being happier.
I speak from experience, of course there is no guarantee and if you say 'Sorry sis, these are mine, I want them, I like them, what on earth makes you feel you are entitled to them all these years later? You are not getting them'.
In a calm, firm voice.
She might never speak to you again.

But, on the other hand, I think she will get a bit of a wake up call. And prob treat you with more respect in the future.

I think there is no way you can give in to her now without bearing a long-term grudge which will be worse for the relationship than the result of the above.

RidersOnTheStorm · 13/01/2016 07:52

Just tell her she caught you off guard and that you felt the division of your mum's things was fair at the time and, on reflection, you still think that way.

Tell her you won't be asking her for any of your mum's things that she has and you don't think it's fair of her to ask you for things that are in use.

Collaborate · 13/01/2016 07:58

The fact that she feels she can enter your home and pick out things that she then demands you hand over speaks volumes.

Hereward1332 · 13/01/2016 08:51

Perhaps you could agree she could have one if and when you are no longer using them - so you don't actually say no, but make it clear that they are not communal property and up for grabs. Obviously no-one normal would ask you to take pictures off the wall so they could have the frames, so you probably assumed this was what she meant.

It doesn't sound like it's about something to remember your mum as she has plenty of sentimental items already, but because she likes them, wants them and doesn't see them as yours.

Jux · 13/01/2016 09:02

I have pretty well everything of my mum's but in my head quite a lot is ear-marked as my brother's - I'm just looking after it until he can.

In your position, as there are things your sister has which you want, I would suggest to her that you do a swap. If she won't then that's the end of it.

Original poster

Murphyslaw21 · 13/01/2016 09:32

She is still not talking to me since Christmas. So I'll not make any contact atm.

I'm not going to mention it until she contacts me and actually brings it up. Then I'll give the two small frames and if she says anything about the larger ones I'll say no as they are part of my home. I don't want to swap. We made deal on what each wanted. Things aren't up for grabs now.

She will be pissed but fuck it. They are mine and now part of my family heirloom. They have pictures of my family in them and one day my baby girl will have them if she wants them.

OP posts:

StillStayingClassySanDiego · 13/01/2016 10:05

Why are you even giving her two frames?

Collaborate · 13/01/2016 10:07

I'd still think twice about that if I were you. The division of your mum's things happened 4 years ago. Is everything fair game for her to feel entitled to until the day she has literally everything?

If you give her the 2 smaller ones you've admitted that she'll still feel bitter about not getting her own way. And you'd be 2 frames down, which are an integral part of your home decoration. Nothing would be resolved, other than she'll still think she can click her fingers and you jump.

Original poster

Murphyslaw21 · 13/01/2016 10:09

I know I just feel like I should. I know I'm stupid . I don't want too and know I'm rolling over again

OP posts:

Original poster

Murphyslaw21 · 13/01/2016 10:12

Question - Why do I let her control me?

Answer - because when I stand up and say something she don't like she kicks off at me. And I'm easy going.

Result - I'm a door mat!

OP posts:

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