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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

deceased mothers items sister now wants

180 replies

Murphyslaw21 · 11/01/2016 17:36

Ok my mum passed 4 years ago my relationship with my sister has never been good. But we dealt with mums house and belongings very well.

Mum had some beautiful picture frames 2 large 2 medium and four small now they are stunning etched glass. My sister did not want them so I had them.

Now my sister has decided she would like one. I am using them and understand that she would want one but I have them displayed with pictures in them. I want to give her two small ones however I know she wants a large one. AIBU to say that because she didn't want them and I am using them I want to keep big ones.

I know she will be pissed off but i want to see what others think.

OP posts:
MyFavouriteClintonisGeorge · 11/01/2016 18:21

The frames surely don't belong to the sisters jointly. They did until the point when the two of them shared out their mother's belongings. What each woman took now belongs to that woman only.

OP, why not offer her a frame and ask for something that you regret not choosing? I think that is a more equitable way to do things. Each gets something new and gives something up.

StayWithMe · 11/01/2016 18:22

Why should the OP hand them over? It sounds like they reached an agreement at the time. Where should OP draw the line? What if sis comes back later and wants something else? Should she just hand it over, because that's the right thing to do?

gBean · 11/01/2016 18:22

Id give her half the frames

Leelu6 · 11/01/2016 18:22

Op, if your sis has some of your mum's items too then you're not obliged to giver her a frame, and certainly not one of the big ones.

How about if you swapped the two medium frames for 2 things that she has that you wish you had taken?

Aeroflotgirl · 11/01/2016 18:22

I woulden't, she had her pick of things, and you had yours, it is not then fair that she wants what you have from your mums, that she diden't want. Mabey she could swap a crystle or something else with your picture frame.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/01/2016 18:24

They are no longer your mums things now, they are yours, and up to you what you do with them. She sounds very cheeky.

SlatternIsTrying · 11/01/2016 18:24

I disagree that the items are not yours, but your mothers. Otherwise a person could never 'own' an item that came from a deceased person. Clearly there is a point that the item is yours to do with as you wish - keep, destroy, sell, pass to your own children etc.

After 4 years, the items are yours. The only reason to give them up is to try and keep a relationship with your sister.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain · 11/01/2016 18:24

If she has some things that you wouod like, then definitely suggest a swop. But you could have a discussion and make it clear that there are no more comebacks after this reallocation?

Zorigami · 11/01/2016 18:25

Well you say she has bits thats you now think you wish you'd had but didnt say anything as felt inappropriate. Couldnt you say "oh I'm so glad you asked, as actually you have a load of....... And I wish I'd had one." If she says no, there's your answer.

Palomb · 11/01/2016 18:26

I'd just laugh it off and say "ha, well you had your chance" and the give her a wink. They belong to you now, you are no obliged to give them to anyone.

MaidOfStars · 11/01/2016 18:26

I'm not saying OP should, nor am I saying it is the right thing.

I'm saying I would.

StayWithMe · 11/01/2016 18:26

If the frames are on the walls, then it's going to look odd if you take on down and may leave a mark on the wall.

Aeroflotgirl · 11/01/2016 18:27

I would offer to swap with something that your sister has, that you wish you had, if she says no, that's it then.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 11/01/2016 18:27

Again, whether you are using things is irrelevant.

Having been in the position of sharing up belongings & emptying my parents' house, I can completely understand why somebody might think they don't want something at that specific time. It's hardly an easy situation to be in is it?

And no, not "everything" would be up for grabs - she's not asking for the entire set of frames is she? She's asking to share what there is - in fact she's only asking for one out of eight!

What makes them more your heirloom than hers?

GloriaHotcakes · 11/01/2016 18:28

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pocketsaviour · 11/01/2016 18:28

I think I would ask for a swap for one of the figurines she chose or something else that you would like.

lessthanBeau · 11/01/2016 18:29

You say you wished you had asked for some of the stuff your sister had taken, how about asking for a swop around of some stuff, then she'll be able to understand how you feel, however I have to disagree with the they belonged to your mum not you comment as once things have been divided then they belong to the person they were given to. If sister isn't keen on swopping her stuff why would she expect you to give her your stuff?

TheWindowDonkey · 11/01/2016 18:29

If there are things you wish you had taken why not agree to swap for somethung you wanted? Would that be more agreeable?

Palomb · 11/01/2016 18:29

Wel yes but wishing you had taken something and trying to actually take if from the person who did 4 years ago are different things.

I think the op's sister is being really rude.

GruntledOne · 11/01/2016 18:32

What makes them more your heirloom than hers?

The fact that she agreed four years ago that OP could have them, and indeed that she took items of equivalent value as part of that process.

hefzi · 11/01/2016 18:32

My GP lived with us, and when one of them died, my aunt stripped our home (the home belonged to my parent, and my GP lived with them) because my parent was too devastated to be concerned with possessions at the time. My parent chose one item each for my brother and I. My aunt even took the items my parents had given my GP, because she said it was unfair that my parents had more money Hmm

People don't always speak up when they've been bereaved, OP, and I think the right think to do is to share the frames with your sister: for whatever reason, she didn't ask for them at the time, but clearly, it's important to her now, again for whatever reason.

I would love to have things that had belonged to my GP: as it is, I have one piece of china that belonged to one of them (as the other remarried, and the second partner's family then stripped that home to sell, offering the GP's children and grand-children nothing at all).

ratspeaker · 11/01/2016 18:35

If you give her the frames, big or small, where will it end?
Will she come back in another year saying there is something else she wants?
4 years from now?
20 years?

These items are yours now. If it had been 4 days since you both divided the estate that may have been different, even 4 months but 4 yearsakes seems a bit like your sister wants to create a drama for some reason.
It's not like your sister has no momentos, she got to pick items too.

Littlef00t · 11/01/2016 18:36

Could you ask for the bits you are now interested in, 'oh I'm glad you brought it up, I wish I'd asked for xyz'

Make it clear though, that you've encorporatd them into your space and no more changing.

JessicasRabbit · 11/01/2016 18:37

If things were split evenly at the time, I think it's cheeky of her to ask for them now. You could offer a swap if there's something she took that you really want, but only if you want to.

The frames used to belong to your mum. Now they belong to you.

Original poster
Murphyslaw21 · 11/01/2016 18:37

I think I've decided. I'll pop round with the two small frames and say I know you wanted these. If she then says anything about the larger ones I think I'll say that "you didn't want them at the time I'm using them now, I'm not happy with that. It's been too long.

And see what happens. If she plays up then I'll ask for two of the large Swarovski pits she had. As she had all 8 of them. She liked them more than me

OP posts:
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