deceased mothers items sister now wants

[Murphyslaw21]

Ok my mum passed 4 years ago my relationship with my sister has never been good. But we dealt with mums house and belongings very well.

Mum had some beautiful picture frames 2 large 2 medium and four small now they are stunning etched glass. My sister did not want them so I had them.

Now my sister has decided she would like one. I am using them and understand that she would want one but I have them displayed with pictures in them. I want to give her two small ones however I know she wants a large one. AIBU to say that because she didn't want them and I am using them I want to keep big ones.

I know she will be pissed off but i want to see what others think.

Perhaps it's a good opportunity to ask her for some of the things she has that you like?

Look on eBay and see if there are any listed there. In that case you could let your DS have one and replace it, so you both have one that belonged to your DM. But I do agree that it must be annoying to be asked four years later.

Don't be so ridiculous Gruntled.

If you read the post properly the flan dish comment was in response to the OP saying these frames held no "sentimental value" because her mum bought them. Items have sentimental value because they were important to the person who has died - not because they are necessarily old!

If you absolutely need a cut off point, I would say that while you're still dealing with her sister & you're still talking about your mum's things specifically then there should be a bit of give & take.

What do you think your mum would want? That'd be how I'd make my mind up.

Your sister not her sister!

This is unimportant. They are only things. Your mother would not want you to argue about them-share them with your sister.

Murphy re And see what happens. If she plays up then I'll ask for two of the large Swarovski pits she had. As she had all 8 of them. She liked them more than me It sometimes sounds like there really is no love loss there. So in one sense it's your choice. You are not obligated to give things away but I still feel you are being a little unreasonable.

They were part of your mum's estate and your sister did not want them but now she has changed her mind. But to be honest to withhold a couple of picture frames (the ones she actually wanted) from her seem quite petty. It will not add to your relationship as siblings and that seems far more important to me than picture frames.

Re I look at some of the bits she has and now four years on think ohh I wish i had taken them at the time or split them. If you want them, I'd ask.

Re I know she will be pissed off but i want to see what others think. Maybe she won't just be pissed off she will be hurt. Do our opinions count more than your sister's opinion?

Use this as a chance to build bridges, pictures frames are very common, sister are not.

Imustgodowntotheseaagain re My sister took almost everything that belonged to our mum and to be honest I can't forgive her for it. I asked for one item, she told me I couldn't have t as she was using it to store things for her dog. That told me my place in the hierarchy.

How utterly horrible. What a very sad way to live (for her). Be glad you are the bigger person.

Personally I'd say no, she didn't want it then and took the things she liked at the time. If she insisted, I'd say that you have also had second thoughts about some of the things that your sister took and do a swap. If she isn't willing to give up any of the things she has, then you should have no guilt in saying she can't have a frame.

I am aware that ai am projecting my own experience into this. However - are you sure your sister was happy at the time with the division? Have you spoken about it since, or is this the first time she has broached the issue of the frames? Distribution of property during a bereavement causes so many family rifts. It would be lovely if you could sit down with a cup of tea and just talk it through. Ask why she has changed her mind. Offer an exchange. Ask if there is anything else around your mum's death she'd like the two of you to speak about.

Juat saying 'no, I'm using them" could be really hurtful. As my sister was to me when i asked for something from her family hoard.

I'd give her a large frame.

Circumstances change, people change. 5 years after my dad died there are many bits and pieces that I wish I'd asked for. Also, as the years go on, items I disregarded at the time mean more to me now.

Thanks, Italiangreyhound. It's been interesting seeing some of the views on here, that once you've taken possession that's it, the items are yours to do with as you wish and your siblings have no further interest. I don't agree!

It depends on your relationship. If you're genuinely fond of her then be generous and give her the frame she wants. If she is a bit grabby then don't. There isn't really any right or wrong here but in law I doubt she'd be entitled to ask for anything back after four years.

Exactly Mazzle.

There should be much more thought & kindness than just "no, they're mine".

Where is the 'kindness' or consideration for their sisterly relationship when the sister asked for something she had previously not want AND taken other things equally about the same value/amount?

I wouldn't give any unless it was as a swap. Suggest something she has that you would like and see her reaction - if half of the above posts are right then she will give it willingly as that is the nice thing to do. If she is horrified that you would want something of hers then I would suggest to her that HER request is unreasonable for you!

I find some comments here very odd.

If someone walked into my house and said "I want you to give me that vase" I wouldn't imagine anyone would think I'd be unreasonable to say no.

The assets were distributed fairly over 4 years ago. The fact they belonged to her mother does negate the fact they are now owned by the OP.

Whilst the sister can ask for an item that now belongs to her sister the OP is under no obligation to hand it over if she doesn't want to.

As per the comments about valuing the relationship with the sister - well it takes 2 to tango. The OP has stated they haven't got the best relationship so I don't see why it's up to the OP to bend over backwards - this isn't actually a pivotal moment to define how they get on.

You could argue if the sister valued the relationship she would have offered to buy the frame/s or swap for them - but no she hasn't - yet it's the OP that's getting shit on here for appearing grabby the reasoning is just bonkers...

Have you been in the situation of having to distribute parents belongings yet, Yellow? It's really not the same as a random request for an item of property.

And I am prepared to state from my personal experience that yes, it is a pivotal moment. OP can say 'no, they're mine now, go away' or she can say 'that's an interesting request. Let's talk about it some more. Maybe we can share some memories of our mum too.'

It would be helpful to know how old OPs sister was at the time the items were shared out.

Sister was 42 I was 37

Like I say if I do this does this mean in 10 years time she decides she wants the crystal bowl I should give it to her.

She only wanted them after I hung them up

I get on well with all my siblings and I wouldn't part with a loved ones possession that I inherited.

In answer to your question MUST, parents no, but yes re: other close relatives.

It reads to me that the sister has seen the frames hanging up and has now decided she wishes she had chosen them. Fine - she's entitled to ask, but I personally think she's being cheeky and that it's not up to the OP to keep her sweet by giving the frames unless she wants to.

Italian. We don't have a great relationship if we weren't sisters we would not be friends. Mums estate was very amicable and fair. Why should I have to give them up when she didn't want them.

If she wants because they are mums then fine she can have the two smaller ones. Why should I have to part with them when like I say she has things and I do not think it's appropriate to ask for them.

What happens next year if she decides she would like mums crystal bowl - do I give it to her.

You don't have to give them up if you don't want to. They belong to you.

Presumably there is only one crystal bowl, Murphy?

There are eight picture frames. It's very easy to share eight of something.

As you well know, it's impossible to share one item. Unless you draw up some sort of time share agreement which would just be daft. If there's just one of something it's a much harder decision to make - if the item is important to you both. Asking for something there's only one of would be the same as asking for all eight frames.

Can you swap for something of your DM's that she got?? That would be fairer. Or sell it to her !!

I'd give the big frame in exchange for one of the large crystals. Like for like really.

As santa says there's only one bowl. Different scenario.

I agree with Santa. Do a swapsy

I'm using the bowl as an example. How about lamps, bowl, crystal glasses, ornaments etc etc

When does it end?

Say next year she wants something else.

I think the more I'm reading replies I am coming to my conclusion that if she refuses the small ones then no enough is enough.

She had no interest until she see them up and hanging in my home.