deceased mothers items sister now wants

[Murphyslaw21]

Ok my mum passed 4 years ago my relationship with my sister has never been good. But we dealt with mums house and belongings very well.

Mum had some beautiful picture frames 2 large 2 medium and four small now they are stunning etched glass. My sister did not want them so I had them.

Now my sister has decided she would like one. I am using them and understand that she would want one but I have them displayed with pictures in them. I want to give her two small ones however I know she wants a large one. AIBU to say that because she didn't want them and I am using them I want to keep big ones.

I know she will be pissed off but i want to see what others think.

So she had furniture and so did I . Again do we do swapsy on those when she changes her mind ?

I'm not refusing but don't see why I'm obliged to give a big one.

You're not. They're your frames.

I don't think you have to give her any of the frames OP.

I realise you've decided to give her the two smallest, but I would say to be absolutely certain that you want to before you make her the offer.

She hasn't wanted any of the frames for over four years, they are part of a set, and she's only asked now because she's seen them on your wall.

I just wouldn't do it. A set should stay together, and four years is a very long time for people to still be claiming they are a joint asset from your Mum that your sister can just change her mind about and ask for.

It would be different if she had nothing of your Mum's, but she's taken a significant share of the things she wanted at the time.

I doubt that she would willingly give anything she did take to you if you asked for something.

I read it as your sister is just using the frames to hurt you.

If it was me I would have my DC and mother's pictures in the frames. A huge sentimental value.

Would she be willing to pay a storage fee for the last 4 years.

What if op is using her frame, which she said she is. It is her frame now, and she is using it! It woukd look odd if a set of those frames where hanging, and one different one. Offer her to swap the frame you wish, some ver odd comments here!

Large items of furniture are, again, a different issue. It wouldn't be practical to go swapping such things about would it?

You are not talking about other items, so "what if she wants my curtains" type comments aren't really relevant. You are talking about a picture frame, so that is what my comments are all based on. One easily moved item, which is in fact one of eight.

I am in the situation that myself & my siblings each have certain things from our parents' house. Some old things passed down through generations, some newer things that either mum or dad bought.

If one of us had eight picture frames & another wanted one of them, then I'm 99.9% certain any one of us would hand it over. We definitely would then also say "could I have one of mum's Swarovski pots please?" IF we did actually want one. Not just as a tit for tat request mind you.

We've split up sets of things. If you've got them because they have sentimental value, having belonged to your mum, it hardly matters that your sibling has some of the set too. It's not Antiques Roadshow, you don't need the complete set in one place.

I've only really got on with my siblings since our parents died. We have nothing in common (except parents of course) and would also not be friends if we weren't related. We meet up a couple of times a year.

You've made your mind up as, having read lots of opinions, you are still going to do exactly what you originally intended to do in the OP. I hope your sister is happy with the small frames (as that's all she seems to be getting).

When I hang photo frames it's because they have found their forever home.

Dh hangs them properly using a drill, wall plugs and screws.

Taking 1 down will leave a spot in the wall with an ugly looking drill hole.

If you absolutely need a cut off point, I would say that while you're still dealing with her sister & you're still talking about your mum's things specifically then there should be a bit of give & take.

So the cut off point is potentially 40 years or more? Now who's being ridiculous, Santas?

There should be much more thought & kindness than just "no, they're mine".

How about there being more thought and kindness than "I know I said you could have them but now I want them, and I'm not offering anything in return"?

Op situation is slightly different as she is not close to and doesent get on with her sister. Op shoukd offer to swap items that she does not mind swapping.

So the cut off point is potentially 40 years or more? Now who's being ridiculous, Santas?

Still you. Why the hell shouldn't there be give & take between sisters throughout their lifetime? Sisters who don't get on, but do clearly communicate in some way & were able to deal with their mum's estate amicably. It is very unlikely that OP's sister will ask for anything in 40 years time isn't it? 4 years is still relatively early days (my mum died 4 years ago in October).

How about there being more thought and kindness than "I know I said you could have them but now I want them, and I'm not offering anything in return"?

As I've said time & again, if OP's sister has anything she, with the benefit of hindsight, wishes she had taken then she absolutely should ask. I have never said she should give anything without asking for something in return!

When I hang photo frames it's because they have found their forever home.

What now? You do know these are inanimate objects?

Id say no, she didn't want them at the time and she only wants them now because she thinks they look nice in your house and she regrets her decision. She is being churlish, and relying on the fact they are family heirlooms to get you to agree.

Fgs they are now yours, things don't remain in 'ownership limbo'. They're yours, you're using them. No.

Please don't offer her any of the frames unless there is something she has that you'd really, really like. Even at that, you'd need to make sure she had sit over then and there or she might come up with some excuse not to hand it over.

I agree with the poster who feels that she's only doing it to hurt you or to prove some sort of point. Does she ever do little power plays with you, OP?

Santas, of course there can be give and take between siblings through their lifetime. But that doesn't mean that, if one sister decides she likes something the other sister has, she's entitled to have it. And it doesn't mean that the mother's belongings remain in some sort of indefinite ownership limbo and up for grabs years after they've been shared out. My mother gave my brothers some of my father's things when he died. I wouldn't dream of claiming any of that stuff, it was her right to decide where it went.

As I've said time & again, if OP's sister has anything she, with the benefit of hindsight, wishes she had taken then she absolutely should ask. I have never said she should give anything without asking for something in return!

And suppose the sister didn't have anything the OP liked, or valued as much as the picture frames? Is she entitled to say no then?

Santa
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er items, so "what if she wants my curtains" type comments aren't really relevant. You are talking about a picture frame, so that is what my comments are all based on. One easily moved item, which is in fact one of eight*
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I was talking about frames. But what if she decides next year she wants something else.

I would not ask for a swap I like them they are hanging up and look lovely.

This request is out of the blue since she see them up. What do I do if she sees me wearing a ring that she didn't want but decided she would like it.

I am of the opinion that these items are mine and in my home. I will offer her the small two. And no more. If she wanted them she would of had them.

I appreciate your comments but I am going to get into a situation where I will be hiding and not putting things out just in case she changes her mind.

Stay. She is the typical older sister syndrome. Hence we don't get on. She talks badly to me , like I'm her child. She tells me what I should and shouldn't do. Not spoken in two weeks because I didn't do what she wanted at Xmas. Power power power.

This has been in the back of my mind all along, that this is a slippery sloap .

OP it's your right to say no, despite what some on here think!

Just say no or offer a swap for something of hers you want that you know she won't part with. If she won't give up her stuff she can't expect you to.

In regards to where the cutoff is, it depends on your relationship and lots of other situations. Like if she takes advantage. It's pretty easy to ascertain if someone is taking advantage. Say you give her what she wants and six months later she asks for something else. I think it is entirely reasonable to tell her that you were willing to give her the frame but she can't keep asking you every six months for something else.

Even though it's been a long time since my mum passed, I'd give my brother something even if he wanted it now because I know him and he doesn't take advantage. My mother told us in her later years "Don't fight over my stuff" and when we split up the estate we bent over backwards to be fair. The only reason my brother would want something now is because of sentimental value. He could care less how much it cost or what he could get for it, he's just not that kind of person. If he was, I would definitely think differently.

Sounds like she is getting back at you (via DMother) about Xmas.

Well if there are ongoing bad feelings about the past I would, clearly grudgingly, give her the lot and tell her that's it, no more. And reduce contact. She can feel mildly guilty every time she looks at them!

I kept some stuff from rellies and later siblings would say 'I might have liked them' about bits and pieces, when they showed no interest at the time, infuriating and goady, driven by envy. Plus I was the one doing all the hard clear out work.

Personally I think you are well within your rights to say no.

Things were divided 4 years ago. These possessions are now yours.

She can ask, but it's entirely up to you whether you give the large frame.

I have a few bits if my nanas, I wouldn't give them up because someone else wanted them. They are important to me. Not worth a lot.

I'd just give her one. It's not really worth falling out over, it's just a picture frame.

They're yours, you made a decision on what you both wanted from her house, you said everything was amicable so your sister was happy with what you both selected .

Don't give her any frames , why should you?

You agreed who would have what at the time. To want some of what you took would perhaps upset the delicate balance of what you both had at the time, and anyway, it's yours now, and despite what some others say, I believe 4 years is a long time. If deep down you'd rather keep them, say so. It's you who has the final say. I think she's being unreasonable.