deceased mothers items sister now wants

[Murphyslaw21]

Ok my mum passed 4 years ago my relationship with my sister has never been good. But we dealt with mums house and belongings very well.

Mum had some beautiful picture frames 2 large 2 medium and four small now they are stunning etched glass. My sister did not want them so I had them.

Now my sister has decided she would like one. I am using them and understand that she would want one but I have them displayed with pictures in them. I want to give her two small ones however I know she wants a large one. AIBU to say that because she didn't want them and I am using them I want to keep big ones.

I know she will be pissed off but i want to see what others think.

I would agree to swap some of the frames for other items she has. If things were divided up fairly this seems the equal way to compromise now. I wouldn't be able to withhold a momento from my sister despite our love/ hate relationship.

hezfi thats sad but the situation the OP describes is quite different.
Both sisters got to choose items and divided the estate. Now one sister Four years later has decided she wants more. More than was agreed 4 years ago.
Its not like the OP acted like your aunt and cleared the place, both sisters here divided it up and chosevwhat they wanted at the time.

I must add these are not sentimental mum purchased them cause she liked them. If it was a sentimental item then it might be different

It's an odd one isn't it?
I have something that belonged to one of my relatives when they were a child and then I played with it as a child, it was in my home. I still have it and it's been asked that I give it back but I've had it for thirty years!

So you prioritise your home decor over preserving whatever relationship you've got left with your sister?

The fact that she agreed four years ago that OP could have them, and indeed that she took items of equivalent value as part of that process.

Nope, they still belonged to their mother and are still family heirlooms for both.

I have also said that OP should ask her sister for a share of the bits she would now like.

My mum died over 20 years ago - my sister and I have split up all belongings but over time we have 'swapped' or given each other some of the things as circumstances have changed. Probably helps that we get on - I have also down sized recently and my sister has lots of my furniture and oriental rugs which i don't have space for. If I move again she will let me have these items back - if not then my children will have first refusal in due course when they move out or my nieces and nephew can have them. I hope you manage to sort it out so you are both happy.

I must add these are not sentimental mum purchased them cause she liked them. If it was a sentimental item then it might be different

Your mum valued them. That makes them sentimental items! More so that old Aunt Aggy's flan dish that your mum kept under the sink for 25 years etc.

YANBU. They are yours now, that's that.

bilbo that sounds lovely and how i wish things were with my sister. But it's not, it's just a one-way street.

OP, can you really not have an open chat about these things? Say to her that you're concerned that if you give her a frame, she will want something else in future? It sounds like you think of her as a child.

In your situation, when it sounds like you don't have a great relationship with your sister, I would do as others have suggested and propose a swap for some of the items you would like. That then makes it clear that you both had a fair share at the time, but perhaps not the ideal split with hindsight.

That will focus your sister's mind, and prevent further escalation.

So you prioritise your home decor over preserving whatever relationship you've got left with your sister

You could say the same for the sister. At what point does this stop? And at what point should the sister contribute to that process? Should OP allow her house to be emptied in the interests of preserving the relationship?

Don't be silly, gruntled. I, and several others, are suggesting the OP offers a swop for some of the items her sister has that she would like. Then it's fair, equal, and finite.

I don't visit my sister, because seeing her house stuffed with all mum"s things makes me angry. OP can choose to make a stand over these items but it will be at the cost of their relationship. If it's shaky now, why kill it for sure.

Nope, they still belonged to their mother and are still family heirlooms for both.

I disagree and so would mum and sister. When grandparents died mum and aunts see what they had as theirs. Items that were nannies are now ours and would not consider giving to aunts.

Santas, dead people cannot own property; on their death their property vests in their executors or administrators. The legal position was probably in effect that OP and her sister were the executors or administrators of the estate and in that capacity decided what should go to whom. That decision was final and passed ownership over to the donees. That can only change if one of them decides she wants to give an item to the other. It doesn't entitle either of them to demand anything.

If that were not the case, what on earth do you imagine the legal position is when the sisters die? Is everything up for grabs between all the grandchildren? How about when they die? You cannot have family heirlooms existing in some sort of legal limbo where members of the family can just decide randomly that they fancy something one of the others has got and thereby be entitled to receive it.

Exactly murphy, they were your mum's, your mum is no longer alive, so they are yours. Again I would swap with something she has that you like. It is only right and fair, what if you give her the frames, and she want'#s more and more until your left with nothing. You have to draw the line somewhere. They are of sentimental value, as they were your mum's you are enjoying your mum's things quite rightly.

Imust, I was responding to a comment that suggested that OP is in the wrong for valuing her home decor over her relationship with her sister. Clearly that isn't the case and, if you are brandishing the term "silly", could in itself be described as a silly suggestion. Her situation is very different from yours.

Sorry but I wouldn't hand over anything given the estate was split evenly and you got what you wanted and so did she at the time. I don't think sets of items should be split as they never seem to end up back together.

I would avoid the phrase "I'm using them" because that implies you think you only deserve them because you are putting them to use. I'd go for something more along the lines of - "we both chose the things we wanted to remind us of mum at the time. I haven't changed my mind about the big picture frames, they're at least as important to me now as they were then. I don't feel the same about theses small ones, so you are welcome to them if they would mean something to you." But only give her the small ones if they aren't important to you. She has the things she wanted. Don't let her break up your memories.

Boomboom. Good words. Thanks

I would give her the large one, but I like my sister

Yes, thank you, Gruntled, I am in fact an adult who has dealt with splitting up deceased parents' belongings myself. I am very well aware of how things work legally speaking.

Nothing that I have said has got anything at all to do with legal entitlement.

It's only been 4 years, OP. And this is your sister. That's nothing like a cousin staking claim to something your nan owned 30 years or more ago.

I'm also not sure how you can say your sister would see them as solely yours. That seems to entirely contradict her asking for them.

Although unless people are saying "no keep them" you're bound to disagree aren't you?

That makes your views even more bizarre, Santas. At what point do you suggest that, morally, a deceased person's belongings stop belonging to them and stop being family heirlooms? You seem to suggest that Aunt Aggy's old flan dish doesn't qualify. Where's the dividing line? I've got a ring that was originally my great grandmother's. Should my cousins be entitled to demand it because it still belongs to Great-Granny?

This seems so uncomfortable to me. Your Mum surely meant more to you both than frames and crystals.

Why can't you be gracious and gift her one of the large frames? You'd still have the other large frame, medium frames and small frames.