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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to accept this invitation?

111 replies

stargirl04 · 09/01/2016 22:25

Hi,

I've been invited to a friend's midweek wedding 350 miles away.

The venue is in an isolated location that is not easily reachable by public transport and I have no car. I can drive but am unable to do so because of a current medical condition.

I have to be at work the next day mid morning. I've looked into the possibility of flying there (£175), but I would still need a taxi to and from the venue, which, from the nearest city would be at least £70 each way (or £90 'out of hours' - I checked).

The hotel at the venue is the only available accommodation in the vicinity and the rooms cost about £170-200 per night (I rang and checked). I would need two nights there minimum because of the distance involved. And all this is based on the assumption that I could find a taxi firm willing to transport me from there to the nearest airport in the wee, small hours.

I am freelance and would not only lose substantial earnings but it would p**s off my employer as it is the week following Easter Monday. One of my bosses (I work in different places) has blocked that week for leave requests, in fact.

I really did want to go to my friend's wedding but had assumed it would be in the city they live in - which would have been doable - but it's nowhere near their city and instead is in this remote location. I know she is not impressed by the fact that another one of her friends (in the same city as me) can't go and I don't want to fall out with her.

All in all, it will cost me more than £1,000 to go to this wedding - before I even buy a present. I know my friend is going to be really disappointed and I feel awful letting her down. Surely a good friend would understand... wouldn't they?

OP posts:
MoMoTy · 09/01/2016 22:28

Yanbu, when people have hugely inconvenient weddings they have to accept not everyone will attend. Don't feel bad, it's a huge expense and massive slog getting around and also affects your work. I would give it a miss.

gatorgolf · 09/01/2016 22:29

She may well fall out with you but you wouldn't be in the wrong to not go

Emmalouise2babies · 09/01/2016 22:29

I've moved 2 hours away from my family and friends to a very rural area which would involve extensive public transport costs for a non driver.
I would absolutely understand Smile

Arfarfanarf · 09/01/2016 22:29

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Hassled · 09/01/2016 22:30

Yes, a good friend will understand. Going sounds like a very expensive nightmare - and if you choose a remote mid-week wedding, you're going to have to accept that some people won't make it. If she makes "I'm not impressed" noises, point out it would have cost you a grand which you don't have spare.

MoMoTy · 09/01/2016 22:30

She can be disappointed all she wants, if she really wanted all her close friends to be there she would have chosen a location that is going to be convenient. I would hate to put my nearest and dearest through Huge expenses.

edwinbear · 09/01/2016 22:30

YANBU and I'm sure you won't be the last decline they get either. Sounds like a huge amount of effort and expense, especially for a midweek wedding.

CFSsucks · 09/01/2016 22:31

YANBU!

No way would I pay 1k to attend a bloody wedding. If people want to hold their weddings in ridiculous places the they cannot bitch about the fact that people will not want to be robbed blind pay a lot of money to attend.

I'd just say "thank you for the invite. Unfortunately I am going to have to decline due to work commitments."

Shallishanti · 09/01/2016 22:31

YANBU
not so much an invitation to a wedding as a massive bill

RealityCheque · 09/01/2016 22:31

If she falls out with you then she is being a twat. It's HER choice to get married in a remote location on a working day, not yours.

Stillunexpected · 09/01/2016 22:32

You won't be the only one disappointing your friend! In fact, I foresee so many people not attending this wedding due to ridiculous cost, transportation difficulties, time off work when it is the week after Easter etc that she won't have time to devote more than a minute of disappointment to your non-appearance, being so busy with disappointment over all the other people who aren't attending!

RandomMess · 09/01/2016 22:33

YANBU - that could be a 2 week holiday somewhere!!!!

Original poster
stargirl04 · 09/01/2016 22:35

Thanks for your thoughts. I am hoping our friendship survives.

OP posts:
gruber · 09/01/2016 22:39

YADNBU. Simply explain and point out work leave embargo- has worked for us often due to a rule that no more than 1 out of 5 may be away at any point, if someone else is already booked leave then there's no chance, close friend or not! I do feel for you but really, that sort of wedding isn't doable.

rosewithoutthorns · 09/01/2016 22:42

YANBU.

How cheeky for them to think it's do-able unless they want to get everyone there and put them up.

BooAvenue · 09/01/2016 22:44

YANBU it's an invitation not a summons.

PingpongDingDong · 09/01/2016 22:47

What Arfarfanarf says. Yanbu at all. The money hassle and the work situation would be too much for me too. I'd decline.

Original poster
stargirl04 · 09/01/2016 22:49

Hi rosewithoutthorns - just to clarify, my friend used to live in my city and has a lot of friends there, but moved to the other end of the country some years ago, where she met her STB husband. But most of her long-term friends are in my city 350 miles away.

We spoke the other day, when she told me the location of the wedding and I expressed great surprise (which was tactless of me, I guess) because it is still an hour away from the city where they live.

She said she and her partner really liked that particular venue and decided to marry midweek because they would have to wait about 2 years to marry on a Saturday, and because it was a lot cheaper.

OP posts:
BackforGood · 09/01/2016 22:50

YANBU at all - as said above, it's an invitation, not a summons or a court order or something.
If the important thing to the couple getting married is that they have all their friends there, then they do their damnedest to make it as easy for guests as they can. Obviously different locations will usually suit people coming from different places, but having it mid-week and somewhere so remote is not going to help.

BackforGood · 09/01/2016 22:51

x-posted

they are all valid choices for the couple, but they have to realise that the "price" of those choices is that a lot of people won't be able to join them.

rosewithoutthorns · 09/01/2016 22:53

Well then just tell her you'd love to attend but unfortunately It's not do-able financially for you.

rollonthesummer · 09/01/2016 22:53

She's getting married mid-week, 350 miles away from most of her friends!? She's going to have to accept that not everyone is going to be able to go!!

WorraLiberty · 09/01/2016 22:53

Thanks for your thoughts. I am hoping our friendship survives.

Well she'd be a selfish cow if it didn't tbh.

DoreenLethal · 09/01/2016 22:53

'I am really sorry but i have to be at work in x-minster the next morning. I will be thinking of you'.

Original poster
stargirl04 · 09/01/2016 22:54

it's an invitation, not a summons

I need to remind myself of this! I've been so worried about it.

OP posts:
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