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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to accept this invitation?

111 replies

stargirl04 · 09/01/2016 22:25

Hi,

I've been invited to a friend's midweek wedding 350 miles away.

The venue is in an isolated location that is not easily reachable by public transport and I have no car. I can drive but am unable to do so because of a current medical condition.

I have to be at work the next day mid morning. I've looked into the possibility of flying there (£175), but I would still need a taxi to and from the venue, which, from the nearest city would be at least £70 each way (or £90 'out of hours' - I checked).

The hotel at the venue is the only available accommodation in the vicinity and the rooms cost about £170-200 per night (I rang and checked). I would need two nights there minimum because of the distance involved. And all this is based on the assumption that I could find a taxi firm willing to transport me from there to the nearest airport in the wee, small hours.

I am freelance and would not only lose substantial earnings but it would p**s off my employer as it is the week following Easter Monday. One of my bosses (I work in different places) has blocked that week for leave requests, in fact.

I really did want to go to my friend's wedding but had assumed it would be in the city they live in - which would have been doable - but it's nowhere near their city and instead is in this remote location. I know she is not impressed by the fact that another one of her friends (in the same city as me) can't go and I don't want to fall out with her.

All in all, it will cost me more than £1,000 to go to this wedding - before I even buy a present. I know my friend is going to be really disappointed and I feel awful letting her down. Surely a good friend would understand... wouldn't they?

OP posts:
Original poster
stargirl04 · 09/01/2016 23:52

Only1scoop - the costs are as laid out by Mooshbag if I am to get there and back to be in time for work in my city. But those costs were worked out before the block on leave was imposed.

With two days' earnings (I am freelance) that takes the bill to over £1k before I buy a wedding present. So no, I am really not exaggerating!

Unless I get the train instead of a flight, but then I will be travelling up on the Tuesday on the train for 3.5 hours, with a one hour taxi ride at the other end, then with the same trip back at 5am on Thursday am. Getting the train would cost me £100 less if I booked advance tickets. So still £1k.

OP posts:
Only1scoop · 09/01/2016 23:55

Just decline

The invite was sent in good faith.

Just send a gracious 'I cannot attend'

Original poster
stargirl04 · 10/01/2016 00:02

Hi 1scoop. We have already discussed some of the issues on the phone and it was left with me looking into my travel options, but she did say that the invites were "very expensive" and said she would be pi**ed off if people who had no intention of going waited until they had received one of the expensive invitations to decline the offer.

So I've been trying to ring her for the past two days to tell her over the phone before she wastes an invitation card on me, but it has gone to voicemail. I could tell her by text but feel that would be poor form and would rather talk to her on the phone.

OP posts:
Original poster
stargirl04 · 10/01/2016 00:06

*Needfinsnow - gosh, I do sympathise. That's a very difficult situation.

No it's not. It was an extremely unreasonable ask and it should be dead easy to decline.

You are right Nanny - I am just such a worrier and a people pleaser that I couldn't see it logically in the way you've just stated.

Needfinsnow - since posting your further information, I feel your friend is being unreasonable to put this pressure on you, and selfish. She is not thinking of you at all. Seriously, don't go! (((((hugs)))))))

OP posts:
Taylor22 · 10/01/2016 00:07

OP honestly don't stress about it. She may have a bridezilla moment with all the wedding stress on her. Just apologise that you can't attend and say you hope to catch up soon.
If after all the craziness of weddings has calmed and she's still stropping then cut her loose. A real friend would never emotionally blackmail you into doing something so financially irresponsible.

sleeponeday · 10/01/2016 00:12

If she expects you to do this, she's no friend.

Tell her the truth: you'd love to be at her wedding, but at a grand, it simply isn't affordable for you and you just can't do it.

If she argues about that, while talking about how expensive the invites are and how pissed off she'll be with anyone who wastes one, then again, she is not a friend worth having.

sleeponeday · 10/01/2016 00:15

Incidentally, is there no way a group of you could share petrol costs and driving, and go up together? Surely that would make it more affordable/doable? Be aware, if you are honest, that she may suggest it. So if that's your notion of hell, the annual leave block excuse, got in as early as possible, is better.

Original poster
stargirl04 · 10/01/2016 00:15

Hi Taylor, and all the other PPs who have so kindly given me such good advice, I don't think my friend would really hold it against me in the long term. I was just worried as I knew she wasn't very impressed that another friend had declined.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 10/01/2016 00:19

Wow
I'm sorry OP but someone who gets annoyed about the cost of invites....does she expect those who decline to send a gift, I wonder? Wouldn't that repay the cost of her fancy invites? I suspect even that would not be good enough for her.

rollonthesummer · 10/01/2016 00:20

She doesn't want to waste an invite on people who may not come because the invited are very expensive?!! Did I misunderstand that?

Original poster
stargirl04 · 10/01/2016 00:20

Sleeponeday, yes that might be feasible if I didn't have to be at work on the Thursday morning, which I can't take off because of the leave block. However, I don't think I'd be very popular asking my ride sharers to get up at 4 or 5am for the six-hour drive back to our city so that I can be in time for work.

OP posts:
lorelei9 · 10/01/2016 00:20

Sleep, even with train fares removed, it's a hell of a pricey trip for a wedding.

Original poster
stargirl04 · 10/01/2016 00:23

Rollonthesummer.... that's how I understood it.

To be precise, she said that it was fair enough if - like me- people were in a quandary and still deciding, but as I understood it, she didn't want to waste an expensive invite on anyone who'd definitely decided already that they would not attend.

OP posts:
ItsANewDayToday · 10/01/2016 00:28

Send her a text asking her to call you. You are not being unreasonable to decline the invite. If she is snarky about it then you will be relieved that you declined.

Original poster
stargirl04 · 10/01/2016 00:29

Good idea "ItsANewDay*, I'll do that. Thanks

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 10/01/2016 00:32

Again, someone very concerned about the costs to them, but not to anyone else. If she expresses disappointment, tell her about the double whammy of work commitments and the 1K cost.

Need if your friend 'won't feel complete' without you there, she's being odd in making it so difficult for you to be there! Tell her that the child free from 2pm rule, apart from all the other things, effectively bars you from coming as you won't leave your DD with a stranger so far from home. And have that conversation as soon as you can so it doesn't drag on with her thinking this is workable when it clearly isn't.

Original poster
stargirl04 · 10/01/2016 00:33

Need if your friend 'won't feel complete' without you there, she's being odd in making it so difficult for you to be there! Tell her that the child free from 2pm rule, apart from all the other things, effectively bars you from coming as you won't leave your DD with a stranger so far from home. And have that conversation as soon as you can so it doesn't drag on with her thinking this is workable when it clearly isn't.

Well said, Tendon

OP posts:
knobblyknee · 10/01/2016 00:36

YANBU. She knows your situation, so getting sniffy is out of order. Flowers

sleeponeday · 10/01/2016 00:50

Oh okay - no, def. not doable then!

Agree with Tendon. If the presence of her friends is so important, she shouldn't book a midweek wedding in the middle of nowhere.

Original poster
stargirl04 · 10/01/2016 00:57

Thanks so much to everyone who's posted their advice, it's been an absolutely huge help. Flowers

OP posts:
DinosaursRoar · 10/01/2016 07:52

Op, late to this, but it is definitely ok to decline- particularly as she has said part the reason for the week day wedding is it's cheaper - she needs to realise it's cheaper for a reason - that being it's harder for guests to get there. But that actually, often these "cheaper" weddings are anything but, the costs are actually higher overall, it's just part of the costs are moved from the bride & groom to the guests.

Need - sounds like your friend has reduced your dd to "photo prop" status, you can't go because she's not welcome and it's overseas and you can't take her out of school for a non-family members wedding. Sorted.

People need to realise while you can have the wedding you want, no one is obliged to go, the harder you make it for your guests, the less likely people will attend.

londonrach · 10/01/2016 08:52

Yanbu, if your friendship doesnt survive this its not a real friendship. as shes chosen midweek in a rural location she must know everyone cant come. Just wish her well, buy nice card and pressie and say you look forward to seeing photos

HeteronormativeHaybales · 10/01/2016 09:02

Bride is being ridiculous and self-absorbed on a scale I've rarely seen. YANBU.

What I don't understand is (and this is in no way connected to the wedding question) if you are freelance, how can you have employers and annual leave? Either your clients are employing you - in which case they need to be paying the proper contributions etc for you - or you are genuinely freelance, in which case you set your own terms to an extent, surely? If what you have is an employment-like relationship with none of the benefits of employment for you (NI contributions ? - not sure on this as I am not in the UK -, protection from dismissal etc), then aren't your 'clients' acting unlawfully?

Whatdoidohelp · 10/01/2016 09:06

Yanbu. If someone picks a bloody midweek wedding and on top of that somewhere where there is no decent transport or accommodation choices what do they expect. You will not be the only one to rsvp no

Hissy · 10/01/2016 09:09

Good god! You'd be insane to attend, even without the loss of earnings! Enormous faff for a wedding.