Not to accept this invitation?

[stargirl04]

Hi,

I've been invited to a friend's midweek wedding 350 miles away.

The venue is in an isolated location that is not easily reachable by public transport and I have no car. I can drive but am unable to do so because of a current medical condition.

I have to be at work the next day mid morning. I've looked into the possibility of flying there (£175), but I would still need a taxi to and from the venue, which, from the nearest city would be at least £70 each way (or £90 'out of hours' - I checked).

The hotel at the venue is the only available accommodation in the vicinity and the rooms cost about £170-200 per night (I rang and checked). I would need two nights there minimum because of the distance involved. And all this is based on the assumption that I could find a taxi firm willing to transport me from there to the nearest airport in the wee, small hours.

I am freelance and would not only lose substantial earnings but it would p**s off my employer as it is the week following Easter Monday. One of my bosses (I work in different places) has blocked that week for leave requests, in fact.

I really did want to go to my friend's wedding but had assumed it would be in the city they live in - which would have been doable - but it's nowhere near their city and instead is in this remote location. I know she is not impressed by the fact that another one of her friends (in the same city as me) can't go and I don't want to fall out with her.

All in all, it will cost me more than £1,000 to go to this wedding - before I even buy a present. I know my friend is going to be really disappointed and I feel awful letting her down. Surely a good friend would understand... wouldn't they?

"aren't your 'clients' acting unlawfully?"

They probably are but there's a lot of it about, especially in the arts IME. It doesn't help the OP much if they are. If she reports them it's unlikely to turn into a PAYE job is it, it's more likely to turn into no job don't you think?

I worked for a local arts organisation last year "freelance" but I attended their premises in hours they set just like PAYE, only difference was the lack of job security, holiday pay, sick pay or rights. I wasn't paid a freelance rate either, I was getting £80 a day. Everyone else was "freelance" too. It's crappy, but there are very few interesting jobs here, so what can you do? It's that, unskilled NMW jobs or move.

DP currently works "freelance" in the same way too. He has no job security or rights, but attends work in set hours. He works in that job is 3 days a week, 52 weeks a year. no holiday or sick pay, and the pay is low. But it's an interesting job he loves. Again, what can you do? The organisation he works for has very little money, it's their way of making it work.

I don't agree with it, of course not, but don't see we have much choice. (Long term the plan is to move.)

YADNBU

Even without the loss of earnings and the leave issue, I'd be tempted to decline just because it's still mega bucks and a massive faff.

If you get married mid week, you have to accept that some people won't be able to attend. If you get married somewhere remote and expensive to get to and stay, you have to accept some people won't be able to come. If you do both, expect the declines to come thick and fast! (So i'd echo what someone else said about getting in quick!)

There's a reason mid week weddings are cheap, and it's worth gently reminding her of that if she starts to get shirty!

Don't feel bad OP. I wouldn't do that either. The cost and time involved is just too much. If the bride has chosen to have a wedding at a really awkward location and date she needs to deal with the fact that not everyone will be able to make it. I certainly wouldn't want to spend about £1000 just to go to someone's wedding. Maybe instead of spending so much on the bloody invites she should have put the money towards booking a weekend wedding instead

Could you join forces with the other friend to share costs maybe?? But YANBU.

Janey, did you read the bit about the bride being cross over the cost of invitations? I wouldn't bother even if costs could be shared (actually the OP addressed that earlier in the thread).

I was looking at this on my phone yesterday so only just read the one about the invite to Oz - even if your daughter was welcome, I'd still say. It's Australia great if you happen to want to have a holiday there at the same time but otherwise.

some people really need to get a grip over their weddings.

No way would I spend all that and lose earnings just for one night and a gutfull of travel hassle. YANBU.

I've been invited to a child free wedding in Europe in May. It's a country we like but much more expensive than where we usually go on holiday. We often holiday with family so thought we could just move our usual family holiday to wedding country and ILs could babysit. I hadn't appreciated 1) how expensive it would be and 2) how hard it would be to find child friendly accommodation. I have a toddler and it seems all the villas are on cliff edges. I found some places to stay but they don't meet MIL's high standards and are still expensive.

So it looks like we can't go. I'm dreading telling the couple because they have offered us the invite in favour of other friends. I'm thinking of asking if they can reverse the no child rule as I'm hopeful we could find somewhere to stay if I'm not hamstrung by need to find huge luxury villa that isn't £26,000 (!) to accommodate dh's family. Though taking 2 young dc means we Wont be able to enjoy the wedding in the same way and holiday generally will be knackering without built in babysitters.

Thing is I'm going to be sad if we go on holiday to our usual haunt and miss the wedding.

Oh there's an added thing - our friends were meant to be buying a house round the corner from us. When we accepted the invite I think we thought we'd be in each other's pockets a bit in the future. It's not happening now and they're moving further away, so I think they're going to be people we visit infrequently rather than see all the time.

Long post ! Guess it just tells you other people have these dilemmas an de with them worse than you!!!

Heteronormative - a lot of companies use contractors/self employed people to fill roles they officially can't recruit for due to internal reasons, but will put restrictions on when they need to be there. While the OP would be at liberty to refuse to work any particular day as she doesn't work for them but self-employed, the client is perfectly entitled to say don't come back. Most have only 1 day notice period in cancelling contracts.

When Lehmans all went hidiously wrong on the Friday, on the Monday several banks in London called in all contractors and ended their contracts immediately, one high street bank called in all contactors in their head office and told them they would all accept a new contract with 10% less on their daily rates or have their contracts terminated immediately (a woman on the desk next to me at work's DH was one of those, it was a painful day of quiet personal calls being taken).

For some fuctions like IT, it can be upto half the staff working in banking HQs are officially self-employed contractors, they usually earn a lot more per day than the inhouse staff but for that extra money, the banks get a lot of flexiblity and a way round employment laws, usually also getting round strict pay bands in order to get expertise that commands a higher wage than their pay bands will allow. (and if the contractor runs the contract through a limited company, paying themselves a low monthly wage then share dividends every 3-4 months for the rest they have earned, they end up paying less tax/NI than just taking it each month.)

The whole "long term contractor" thing is as dodgy as hell.

oh and the Oz wedding is insane, you don't do weddings overseas and ban DCs and then expect people with DCs to come. Even if the bride didn't think that, surely their parents would explain the realities of what they are asking?!

but she did say that the invites were "very expensive" and said she would be pied off if people who had no intention of going waited until they had received one of the expensive invitations to decline the offer.

Hahahahahahaha!

Oh please! You do the correct response to this is: 'You can have my answer now then. Fuck off.' Don't you?

Nanny - too right, where's the "like" button?

OP, if the invitation is full of spangly, glittery shite then you might have just dodged a bullet.
(Why do people do this? AAAGH)

Just text her now. 'I've left several voicemails. I really need to speak to you.' Or hell, text her a decline.

There are always people on MN who tell you you can still afford it if you just try hard enough, camp, hitchhike, get a second job as a prostitute, you just don't really want to.

Bollocks. It's too expensive and you cannot get off work.

Need, tell these people you cannot go. They are utterly ridiculous. Same with you Zen, tell this couple now so they can invite someone else.

Cannot believe the cheek of some people when it comes to a fucking party.

Oh I would send her an e-mail rather than a text:

Dear Friend,

After our last discussion, have been researching methods to get to your wedding in [month] but sadly I'm going to have to decline as it's unlikely that I can get the time off work even if i could find an affordable way to get to get there. I have tried to call you to explain in person, but thought it was better to send you a message in case you were doing your invites this weekend.

I do hope you have a fabulous day and look forward to hearing all the details and seeing your photos!

Stargirl

Get it done today, that way it's out of the way, and you can relax. Saying you can't get the time off work also helps and avoids her "helpfully" finding you a slightly cheaper but still expensive way to get there/back or place to stay, or her judging everything you spend between now and then (I have previously heard a colleague who was upset a cousin cited cost for not coming to her 'destination wedding' overseas judging said cousin buying a new winter coat).

OP I wouldn't go into all the details about the cost for you to your friend because right now she's probably in bridezilla mode(cost of the invites)and she's likely to come back with well how much do you think I've spent,blah,blah,blah like another poster said tell her your bosses aren't allowing any of you to book any holiday over that time because work will be to busy.

That way she thinks your bosses are wankers and she can't blame you

And if she's not picking up when you ring then leave a message on her voicemail.

Wow, you have done tons of research into the possibility of attending and have come to the conclusion that it is just not feasible - you have been more than gracious, I would have just glanced at the location and sent a immediate (but polite) - decline.

I don't understand how some people have such ridiculous expectations about what their guests should do to attend their dream day .

ohtheholidays- but it's the B&G's choice how much to spend on their wedding.

I suppose I'm in favour of being honest because I'd like all these crazy wedding types to calm down but it does seem bizarre if a B&G came out with that as a reason to be annoyed at a declined invite. If someone declines, they cost you nothing! (gold plated invites notwithstanding)

and because it was a lot cheaper.

Translated: the costs are transferred to the guests. Why can't people be honest? As for not wasting expensive invitations on people who won't come ... Where I come from you do this on purpose so they have a memento of your day. You send them a slice of cake too, if possible.

It's completely unreasonable to expect you to go. Hope perhaps. Don't feel any guilt at declining.

Yanbu but tell her ASAP as there will prob be a few people declining

Just say you definitely can't have the day off because your boss has put a block on leave for that day. Don't arse about with the rest. And yes, do it quickly, because you're going to have a lot of company due to the B and G's decision to transfer so much of the cost of the wedding onto their guests. Particularly if it's this Easter Wednesday, although you don't mention the year.

Lorelei9 I know that!I was the one that was pre warning the OP about what her friend could come out with if she goes into to much detail about what it would cost her as her friend sounds like she's in bridezilla mode.

I think you friend is being thoughtless for choosing such a location/day for the wedding.

I got married on the other side of the world, so it was massively expensive for my family and friends to attend. Loads couldn't, which was totally understandable. (I definitely don't consider myself ridiculous for inviting them, though – I invited everyone I care about, and would've felt rude to not invite them, even though it was obvious that many of them wouldn't be able to attend.)

Being sad that a friend isn't coming to your wedding is totally understandable, but surely no one well adjusted would be angry. (Maybe I just only know well adjusted people.)

Wow, I thought this question had sunk down the list but it's still going. Hope my friend doesn't see it!!!

HeteronormativeHaybales I work in different departments for the same company as a freelance worker. One of these departments (Dept A) is a regular gig and I have fixed days each week. I can of course say I'm not available, but the boss in that dept only recently sent an email to all freelance staff saying that "if you want shifts you must be available in the week beginning xxxx, otherwise we can't guarantee that you will be given further shifts".

So I can either take the time off and call their bluff, or I can keep them on side, which is what I choose to do. In my field, it's a good gig, but most importantly, it is regular work in an industry where regular work is hard to come by, and it took me a long time to secure it. They are bombarded with work applications every day from good, experienced people and they will just get someone else without giving it a second thought.

The company deducts tax via PAYE and national insurance, so for tax purposes I am considered an employee, but the company keeps me on a freelance basis as it's easier to get rid of me and they don't have to pay me sick pay or five weeks' holiday pay a year.

In another dept within the same company (Dept B) I work different days of the week, and on the wedding day in question, yes I could get THAT day off, but my problem is getting back in time for the "Don't take leave or else" dept - which is Dept A.

Because of the isolated location of the wedding, I will have problems getting back. If I were to go ahead with the trip, I would have to leave the wedding location at 4am for a 5-6 hour journey back to my city, and then have to do an 8-hour day in the office on top of that.

That's if I get the train. Or I could fly with BA for £175 (probably £200 by now), on top of the £350 cost of the hotel and the £90 cost of taxis because of lack of public transport to and from the isolated wedding location. All before lost earnings.

Had my friend held the wedding in her city or one nearby, I would have gone to the wedding because I could have come back on the train at a reasonable time at a reasonable price, and stayed in a cheap hotel like the Travelodge. But that is not the case.

expatinscotland - laughing at your post about "camping, hiking and prostitution"

To all the other posters who gave me such great advice since I last saw the thread yesterday, unfortunately I spoke to her before I could act on this advice.

I just wanted to deal with it asap, because I was worried about her wasting an expensive invitation on me and because someone upthread had also said: "Do is ASAP, because others will be doing the same".

Unfortunately I told the complete truth, that getting up there would be possible (just), it was getting back that was the problem because of the "leave ban".

She kept asking me: "Have you looked into getting a train instead?"
And said: "You could get a taxi."
I told her the taxi company said I would struggle to get a cab out of hours and she expressed doubts about that, and I said: "I'm just going on what the guy said to me at the Fred Bloggs taxi firm in the nearest town to the wedding location.

In the end I said, "It's going to be difficult for me and it's going to cost me about £1,000 to attend."

I know, I know... but it's done now.

I just told her the truth. I felt really uncomfortable and she sounded really disappointed, though not angry. I will send her a generous present and hope that our friendship rides this period of turbulence.

I am really touched by everyone's responses and help - thanks to each and every one of you for your wonderful advice. Pity I picked up the phone and blurted everything out to her before reading it though