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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Not to accept this invitation?

111 replies

stargirl04 · 09/01/2016 22:25

Hi,

I've been invited to a friend's midweek wedding 350 miles away.

The venue is in an isolated location that is not easily reachable by public transport and I have no car. I can drive but am unable to do so because of a current medical condition.

I have to be at work the next day mid morning. I've looked into the possibility of flying there (£175), but I would still need a taxi to and from the venue, which, from the nearest city would be at least £70 each way (or £90 'out of hours' - I checked).

The hotel at the venue is the only available accommodation in the vicinity and the rooms cost about £170-200 per night (I rang and checked). I would need two nights there minimum because of the distance involved. And all this is based on the assumption that I could find a taxi firm willing to transport me from there to the nearest airport in the wee, small hours.

I am freelance and would not only lose substantial earnings but it would p**s off my employer as it is the week following Easter Monday. One of my bosses (I work in different places) has blocked that week for leave requests, in fact.

I really did want to go to my friend's wedding but had assumed it would be in the city they live in - which would have been doable - but it's nowhere near their city and instead is in this remote location. I know she is not impressed by the fact that another one of her friends (in the same city as me) can't go and I don't want to fall out with her.

All in all, it will cost me more than £1,000 to go to this wedding - before I even buy a present. I know my friend is going to be really disappointed and I feel awful letting her down. Surely a good friend would understand... wouldn't they?

OP posts:
Friendlystories · 09/01/2016 22:55

I hate it when people do this, my brother chose to get married 300 miles away meaning various members of the family, including me, couldn't go due to finances or not being able to travel that far like our elderly grandparents. I think it's a bit selfish and implies they don't really care whether people are there or not, they must realise the distance makes it difficult for people. I guess it's different if the two families live miles apart and the couple have to choose whose hometown they get married in but in my brothers case they knew no one in the area they chose for the wedding and everyone had to travel. If your friendship doesn't survive you being unable to get round the massive barrier she's put in the way of you being there that really is her fault and probably her loss tbh.

edwinbear · 09/01/2016 22:58

I got married in a remote location with no transport and no hotels locally either. So I booked and paid the deposits on hotel rooms in the closest town ranging from £40 a night up to £100 and paid for a coach to collect people from their hotel, take them to the church, then onto the reception and back to their hotels at the end of the night. That's the deal if you plan a remote wedding but really want people to attend, you have to make it easy for your guests.

IrritableBitchSyndrome · 09/01/2016 22:58

Am in a similar position. Current thinking is we will not go but will send a very generous gift which will still cost nowhere near as much as attending. Hoping that keeps me in bride's good books! Maybe do the same?

Aeroflotgirl · 09/01/2016 22:58

Then the answer is a polite no, card and small gift in the post.

expatinscotland · 09/01/2016 23:00

YANBU. You just don't go. That is far too expensive for many to afford and you cannot get leave. They are unreasonable to expect people to shell out so much for their wedding so the couple could save money. She makes noises you just tell her, 'I cannot get leave that week' and you cannot afford £1000 for it.

Original poster
stargirl04 · 09/01/2016 23:00

Thanks folks - I will definitely send her a decent gift.

OP posts:
Needfinsnow · 09/01/2016 23:02

My friend is having hers in Australia and wants me to be maid of honour. At Christmas, to a wedding children are not invited to p. Dd is allowed to be flower girl for ceremony and there for a bit in the day time....but categorically not there after 2pm. What on earth do I do with dd as a single mum on the other side of the world to anyone I know? Have never left dd with anyone other than my parents (very, very occasionally!).

Original poster
stargirl04 · 09/01/2016 23:06

Needfinsnow - gosh, I do sympathise. That's a very difficult situation.

My friend had wanted me to be a bridesmaid, which I didn't want to do, but in the end it turned out that she only asked me because she was worried I'd be offended if she didn't!

How do you feel about not going to your friend's wedding in Australia? In fact, your friend's caveat on the children situation has made the decision for you, surely? You just can't go - you can't put your daughter's safety at risk. I would just say No.

OP posts:
mintoil · 09/01/2016 23:07

YANBU I imagine it was much cheaper for them to have a midweek wedding, but of course this is making it more expensive for their guests.

I wouldn't go. Just say you are sorry but that week has been blocked out for annual leave.

rollonthesummer · 09/01/2016 23:08

Dd is allowed to be flower girl for ceremony and there for a bit in the day time....but categorically not there after 2pm. What on earth do I do with dd as a single mum on the other side of the world to anyone I know?

What!?

Ask her what she expects you to do! Honestly-has she not thought this through at all??

RandomMess · 09/01/2016 23:10

Needfinsnow - well you can't go can you!!! If your Dd isn't invited to the whole thing it's just a no go.

Take her away from everything "normal" and expect some paid random stranger to look after her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

How would you even afford the air fare at Christmas anyway?

Shockers · 09/01/2016 23:15

Weddings bring out the weirdest side of folk!

The inviters don't suffer half the angst of the invitees, I'll bet.

Needfinsnow · 09/01/2016 23:16

I know, it's nuts. I would leave the wedding and stay with dd if it came to it, what's tricky is they have offered to pay half our airfares, which makes it tricky to decline on that basis, although the accommodation is expensive and it would mean dd missing a week or so of school and I don't really want her to, especially those fun times at the end of term!

Star...friend has expressiveLy said she will not feel complete if I am not there. (Why she can't get married in her hometown, home church etc?!!!) xx

Only1scoop · 09/01/2016 23:18

Dare say it needn't cost you a thousand pounds but hey you don't want to go so just politely decline.

RandomMess · 09/01/2016 23:22

Need I think you just need to tell her now and get the hissy fit out the way.

The trip is going to cost you £££££, you may get fined by the LEA, you won't be able to stay for the whole wedding due to Dd having to leave.

You don't want to go on holiday to Aus for a week or so just with you and Dd.......................

Taylor22 · 09/01/2016 23:25

YANBU I had a rural wedding on a Sunday. The day was confident for a majority of the guests but I fully understood that some couldn't make it. My close cousin couldn't come because she didn't want to have to manage her two young children all day. I completely understood! My wedding was my choice I would never have been annoyed at anyone who didn't come....Exocet DH that may have peed me off a little.

Kayakinggirl86 · 09/01/2016 23:26

I grew up in a rural scotland but now (and did do for 4 year before marrying, and DH grew up here) live in the Home Counties. We got married where I grew up. Any friends we really wanted be there we tried out hardest (paid for flights, gave petrol money, hired mini bus) to get friends there. Getting married so far away did weed out the people who invite themselves to these things or felt obliged to invite!

lorelei9 · 09/01/2016 23:28

Yanbu

But gird yourself, weddings often are a summons. If she's angry then she's not very nice but weddings do tend to expose that if its lurking there.

Mooshbag · 09/01/2016 23:32

Only1 how can you be so sure of what it will cost the OP?

Flight £175
Cab £160
Hotel £350

Total - £685 + loss of earnings.

Even without the loss of earnings that is a lot to spend on getting to a wedding. Then you've got to add drinks and meals that aren't part of the wedding...

notenoughbottle · 09/01/2016 23:33

I'm sure you won't be on you're own in not going. Not everyone is made of money to be able to afford to go to something like this! My cousin got married a distance away from my home, and in fact her own, six weeks after my third child was born. None of the children were invited anyway and being a family wedding we had no available childcare either which she was more than aware of. She had also been the bridesmaid at my wedding to exh. Needless to say we didn't respond to the invitation we were so hurt.

SantasLittleMonkeyButler · 09/01/2016 23:38

YANBU, of course a friend should understand that they are asking a huge amount of you.

If it were me receiving that invitation, there would be no option of accepting. I simply could not afford that kind of money, even if I was free for 3 days mid-week and really wanted to go!

TracyBarlow · 09/01/2016 23:39

I definitely wouldn't go and I would give one, cast iron excuse as to why I couldn't.

"Thank you so much for the lovely invitation to your wedding. I have checked with my boss and sadly there is a complete block on annual leave in that week. I have tried to persuade him but, for several valid reasons, he has said a categorical no. I am so sorry I will not be able to attend but I send you all my love and best wishes for your wedding day and your marriage."

TracyBarlow · 09/01/2016 23:40

And also, get in early. There are going to be a lot of non-attendees and she's going to get increasingly pissed off as more and more people decline.

Nanny0gg · 09/01/2016 23:49

Needfinsnow - gosh, I do sympathise. That's a very difficult situation.

No it's not. It was an extremely unreasonable ask and it should be dead easy to decline.

Same as for the OP situation. Not feasible.

AntiHop · 09/01/2016 23:51

I would not go. You have absolutely valid reasons. It's possible she might be upset as people sometimes lose perspective when they're planning their wedding. Hopefully if that is the case she'll realise she's being unreasonable at a later date.