Not to accept this invitation?

[stargirl04]

Hi,

I've been invited to a friend's midweek wedding 350 miles away.

The venue is in an isolated location that is not easily reachable by public transport and I have no car. I can drive but am unable to do so because of a current medical condition.

I have to be at work the next day mid morning. I've looked into the possibility of flying there (£175), but I would still need a taxi to and from the venue, which, from the nearest city would be at least £70 each way (or £90 'out of hours' - I checked).

The hotel at the venue is the only available accommodation in the vicinity and the rooms cost about £170-200 per night (I rang and checked). I would need two nights there minimum because of the distance involved. And all this is based on the assumption that I could find a taxi firm willing to transport me from there to the nearest airport in the wee, small hours.

I am freelance and would not only lose substantial earnings but it would p**s off my employer as it is the week following Easter Monday. One of my bosses (I work in different places) has blocked that week for leave requests, in fact.

I really did want to go to my friend's wedding but had assumed it would be in the city they live in - which would have been doable - but it's nowhere near their city and instead is in this remote location. I know she is not impressed by the fact that another one of her friends (in the same city as me) can't go and I don't want to fall out with her.

All in all, it will cost me more than £1,000 to go to this wedding - before I even buy a present. I know my friend is going to be really disappointed and I feel awful letting her down. Surely a good friend would understand... wouldn't they?

I think it's probably best that you did tell her the truth. I mean, if she's a good friend, and at some point the truth came out, that could damage a healthy friendship a lot more than anything else. And really, nobody has any right to expect someone to spend a fortune, while putting themselves out to a huge extent. I really hope the disappointment fades with time, and that she appreciates that you didn't really have much choice, given her own prior choices.

Horrible call to have to make, but I actually think the earlier poster may have been on to something when she said that the bride may be more and more pissed off as the declines roll in, too, so to get in earlier. At least she knows you've not "wasted" one of her invites.

Thanks sleeponeday - that should be my username! Up at this hour, as usual, due to insomnia....

I just feel so guilty about the whole scenario.

Anyway, I'm really going to try to get some sleep now, so goodnight sleep and thanks for your thoughts. x

Don't feel guilty OP - you gave a swift & honest response like a good friend would.

Disappointment at your non-attendance is understandable on both sides not just hers.

I imagine a lot of well-intentioned but pretty transparent excuses are coming your friend's way due to those ambitious demands on guests...

Nothing to feel guilty about, lots of people will be in a similar boat. It's a hard lesson for her to learn, but make it hard for people to attend and some won't be able to get over those obstacles, no matter how much they care about you.

"I just feel so guilty about the whole scenario."

Why? Your friend made a very unreasonable request, and you said no. There is nothing to feel guilty about. I simply don't understand why brides (it usually is the bride) insist on having weddings that are difficult to get to or too expensive to attend. Their grasp on reality seems to fly out of the window when planning a wedding.

When OH and I got married we had a our reception in a not very special hotel because it was walking distance from the church and not too expensive for everyone to stay at.

And what is this with expensive invitations? I really don't get why anyone should spend ridiculous amounts of money on something that will be thrown away. Do they seriously believe that the guests will keep them?

Other than the crap the BTB has said about her 'expensive invitations' which I admit makes her sound very Zilla.

Neither of you is being unreasonable.

She isn't 'unfair' by getting married rurally and not in her 'city'

Op INBU by not wanting to attend.

She knows now and probably suspected you wouldn't make it and that's why she said the bit about 'expensive invitations'.

She'll probably be sad but delighted you have saved her another fiver or whatever.

Sleep easy

She will.

I think it's good you told her the truth.

You haven't done anything wrong. You really looked into how to make it work and it's just not possible with your work commitments, the cost and your medical condition meaning you can't drive. None of these things are your fault. Your friend chose to get married mid-week in a remote location, that's her decision but she should accept that it means not everyone can make it and not judge or pressure them. I couldn't possibly afford to spend £1000 to attend someone else's wedding, that was about the cost of my own wedding! I probably wouldn't have gone into so much detail about the specific issues with her and just said it wouldn't be possible, otherwise she hears a problem that you might be able to find a solution for and thinks she might be able to talk you round. But it's done now. You are right, a real friend should understand.

I also think it's good you told her the truth and 'blurted it out'. It was honest and I bet she could tell it was the truth. You really mustn't feel guilty about it.

Good for you op, if you plan a wedding in a difficult location, you can expect some not to be able to attend. If you are worried about the state of the friendship due to yiu nit being able to go from a logistical and monitory level, she does nit sound like a good friend. Her reaction really said it all. A good friend would gave told you not to worry, we can meet up neither time after the wedding. She sounds very self absorbed.