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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

AIBU to think woman in soft play was rude and unhelpful

287 replies

fassbendersmistress · 08/01/2016 16:45

Sorry...it's a bit long...(and about soft play to boot.

Put money in air hockey machine to play with DS (3) and Dsis. 4 boys, about 2/3 yrs older than DS came over and tried to grab the equipment. I said, in a really friendly way, we had paid our money and DS was playing. They hung around the table trying to grab the puck and demanding a turn, shouting it wasn't fair...I told them if they wanted to play they could go ask their mums. They kept reaching onto the table. I told them several times to be careful/watch their fingers etc...no drama, just a bit annoying but par for the course in soft play. So at one point when they all had their hands in front of Dsis trying to grab the puck, yet again holding up the game, I said to her just to play on and if they got their hands caught they got their hands caught. Bear in mind they'd been asked very nicely many times to move hands and this was a VERY gentle game - puck travelling at snail pace! She was not about to smash it into their fingers.

At this point a woman appeared beside me and gave me a filthy look. She moved next to the boys who were still reaching and grabbing but didn't stop them, just continued to stare me out. So I asked her why the look. She told me I couldn't speak like that to the children. I explained I had only asked children politely to take their hands off the table (it would have been obvious to anyone watching they were really disrupting the game but we weren't actually making any big fuss about this). She told me that one of the boys had SN and that I was a disgrace. She said she wasn't his parent but that she knew him and I was totally out of order to say that Dsis should play on and that 'the boy could get his hands caught'. She just kept saying 'he has SN FGS'....that I had 'no idea'. This all took place over 5 minutes. At no point did any other adult approach the kids. She didn't attempt to get the parent of the child with SN. For what was left of our game, she stood by the table giving me filthy looks, allowing the children she apparently knew and at least one of whom was hers, to continue grabbing away. When the game finished outraged woman went and got a hug from her friend.

Now, I accept that I probably shouldn't have said the comment about them getting their fingers caught out loud...(it wasn't actually said to or overheard by any of the children)...but AIBU to think she totally overreacted to that? Common sense would have told her there was no actual threat to little fingers being deliberately bashed by an adult.

And AIBU to think that her telling me the child had SN made no difference to the situation because the whole time I continued to just talk to all the children in a friendly way. I was tolerating their behaviour the whole time just trying to manage it so DS could have something of a game. Knowing one of the children had SN wasn't going to change my approach of continue to tell them to stand back, let us play and watch their hands for the 5 mins or so the game lasted. Surely it's better to get the parent involved who knows their child and how to help them if they're in a disruptive situation?

OP posts:
winewolfhowls · 08/01/2016 19:06

Op has the patience of a saint

Woman was a cow

Regarding the children i would have said loudly excuse me are these children with anyone we could do a bit of help please in my teacher voice.

DancingDinosaur · 08/01/2016 19:09

No, the op really doesn't have the patience of a saint, not in this scenario anyway.

AliceInUnderpants · 08/01/2016 19:13

walter These threads always go the same way.

I think parents of children with SN feel defensive because they have to read crap comments all the time.

But that defensiveness gets people's backs up because their posts can be accusatory or sound like they think SN should be a reason to do whatever the hell they want...

Interestingly (or not), as a parent of two children with SN, it's comments from some parents of children with SN that've gotten my back up here not the parents of NT children.

abbsismyhero · 08/01/2016 19:15

SN might be an excuse for ONE child not all FOUR children and if it goes like it does in my area the other three children will be egging the child with special needs on to cause maximum disturbance and they will not get told off because they are "playing" with a child who has special needs and therefore immune reality is they are doing the SN child no favours at all and in my experience actually making the child more of an outcast as it pisses the other parents off mightily not right not fair but what can you do

CoraPirbright · 08/01/2016 19:17

Sorry am I being thick? So one child has sn......so what was the excuse of the other three???? If no sn present in them then, their behaviour was abysmal! And the woman was being a stupid cow!

ArkATerre · 08/01/2016 19:22

goodnightdarthvader
Nope, you are wrong there. I would always look at behaviour and mentally run through possible reasons for that behaviour. I'd address that behaviour myself, or see if it could be addressed by the accompanying adult. I would be so precious about a £1 in an arcade game that I'd defend it to the point of being audibly twattish about it without actually doing anything about it.
You go to a public place, you accept that not everyone will be dancing to your tune and for the sake of a tiny amount of money.....pfffft why be a dick tbh?

ArkATerre · 08/01/2016 19:22

Wouldn't be

BockCadger · 08/01/2016 19:23

OP is not at fault. SN child is not at fault. Adult acquainted with parent of SN child IS at fault.
At the point OP said about bashing their fingers, she had no idea that only 3 out of 4 children were NT. Yes, it was likely wrong to say but when you've paid for a game for your child's enjoyment, your own child who you are supervising, it can be fucking annoying to see a group of unsupervised children ruining it for them.
Every parent is allowed a break but surely in this break, at soft play especially, you are regularly looking at what your child is up to?!

TLDR: random woman is at fault and should have behaved like an adult.

multivac · 08/01/2016 19:24

It wasn't (and isn't) the OP being a dick...

AliceInUnderpants · 08/01/2016 19:26

So, what if the OPs child had SN and was very upset about their game being disturbed? What if OP had SN which caused her to respond in the same way to the disruption?

Then who gets bashed?

Waltermittythesequel · 08/01/2016 19:32

The universe implodes.

ArkATerre · 08/01/2016 19:33

Well no one, ideally!
How about we all just try to get along and be a bit tolerant?

#crazyideabutitjustmightwork

goodnightdarthvader1 · 08/01/2016 19:34

Ark, I'm sorry to say I think that's a case of "things people say they would do on MN that have no bearing on reality", but if that's the truth, I commend your patience Grin

ArkATerre · 08/01/2016 19:36

Entirely up to you, goodnightdarthvader. No skin off my nose as I'm not the one getting stampy on a parenting site that a Soft Play had OPKs in it [ grin]

DancingDinosaur · 08/01/2016 19:36

If the op had sn then it would be easier to understand why she found it harder to fit into the social expectation of what she should say, rather than what she did say. And if her child had sn then it may have been sensible to mention to the woman that this was the case.

But its not a bashing anyway is it. Its a discussion?

29redshoes · 08/01/2016 19:37

ark yes, good idea. But in what way was the angry lady watching the OP's game trying to get along with others and being tolerant??

AmyGMumsnet · 08/01/2016 19:37

Hi everyone

Thanks for the reports about this thread. We think this is probably a good time to remind you about our This Is My Child campaign. Mumsnet's aim is to make parents' lives easier, and we strongly believe that this includes all parents caring for children with disabilities, as well as all parents who have disabilities themselves.

A central aim of the campaign is to dispel common myths that surround special needs and behaviour, and how we can challenge those assumptions.

Of course we don't want to stifle conversation and debate, but we ask you to be mindful of what you post on threads such as this one.

Thanks all.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/01/2016 19:38

I can't believe it's been reported!

So what? SN can never be discussed? Talk about making it taboo!

multivac · 08/01/2016 19:40

Well now, don't we all feel nicely patronised!

DancingDinosaur · 08/01/2016 19:40

Ok, so why do people think angry lady was angry? (Don't need answers like she was a cow btw, as thats not really an answer).

CombineBananaFister · 08/01/2016 19:40

Tbh, I think there are some semantics and misinterpretation at play on some of the responses especially with reason/excuse seemingly interchangeable when to me they are not. I can see that SN may a reason for behaviour that may be considered unacceptable or unusual in a given circumstance and allowances would be made to accommodate this or accommodate the resolution of the situation.

What I can't understand is that it would then be an excuse for not actually dealing with the behaviour or situation at all, as in, to not react,explain or parent in any way and allow something to continue which is unacceptable? It's an excuse for the child doing it but not the parent responding to it. how could that be construed as being derogatory?

FWIW, maybe I have been selective in the threads I've been on but I have not witnessed this nastiness against SN children that's been mentioned (not saying it doesn't exist)

What I have witnessed a fair bit is a thread derailed, when someone mentions a situation with socially unacceptable behaviour and people pile on the Op for being insensitive and not considering they might have SN. Like you can't comment on any unusual behaviour now incase you unwittingly insult someone.

ArkATerre · 08/01/2016 19:41

She wasn't, 29redshoes. Perhaps she hasn't got the memo yet. Being the friend of a parent with a child who has additional needs doesn't endow her with Perfection, that's my point.
The SN is irrelevant. The 'oh she pulled the SN card' in the Op and gleefully picked up on by earlier posters is my point.

And referring to other posters in terms of 'you always say that' is a shitty thing to do. Because they have an awareness of SN? Jog on.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/01/2016 19:42

Ok, so why do people think angry lady was angry? (Don't need answers like she was a cow btw, as thats not really an answer)

How can anyone possibly know that? Unless someone here is the woman! And what's the point anyway?

goodnightdarthvader1 · 08/01/2016 19:42

MNHQ, did you actually read the thread or just the hysterical reports you received?

Ark, sorry, I don't follow "stampy" or OPKs.

ArkATerre · 08/01/2016 19:44

I don't feel patronised. But then neither do I need to look at the TIMC link, because I'm not being a knob about children with SN.

It's ok, I'll polish my own halo, before anyone offers Wink

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