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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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AIBU to think woman in soft play was rude and unhelpful

287 replies

fassbendersmistress · 08/01/2016 16:45

Sorry...it's a bit long...(and about soft play to boot.

Put money in air hockey machine to play with DS (3) and Dsis. 4 boys, about 2/3 yrs older than DS came over and tried to grab the equipment. I said, in a really friendly way, we had paid our money and DS was playing. They hung around the table trying to grab the puck and demanding a turn, shouting it wasn't fair...I told them if they wanted to play they could go ask their mums. They kept reaching onto the table. I told them several times to be careful/watch their fingers etc...no drama, just a bit annoying but par for the course in soft play. So at one point when they all had their hands in front of Dsis trying to grab the puck, yet again holding up the game, I said to her just to play on and if they got their hands caught they got their hands caught. Bear in mind they'd been asked very nicely many times to move hands and this was a VERY gentle game - puck travelling at snail pace! She was not about to smash it into their fingers.

At this point a woman appeared beside me and gave me a filthy look. She moved next to the boys who were still reaching and grabbing but didn't stop them, just continued to stare me out. So I asked her why the look. She told me I couldn't speak like that to the children. I explained I had only asked children politely to take their hands off the table (it would have been obvious to anyone watching they were really disrupting the game but we weren't actually making any big fuss about this). She told me that one of the boys had SN and that I was a disgrace. She said she wasn't his parent but that she knew him and I was totally out of order to say that Dsis should play on and that 'the boy could get his hands caught'. She just kept saying 'he has SN FGS'....that I had 'no idea'. This all took place over 5 minutes. At no point did any other adult approach the kids. She didn't attempt to get the parent of the child with SN. For what was left of our game, she stood by the table giving me filthy looks, allowing the children she apparently knew and at least one of whom was hers, to continue grabbing away. When the game finished outraged woman went and got a hug from her friend.

Now, I accept that I probably shouldn't have said the comment about them getting their fingers caught out loud...(it wasn't actually said to or overheard by any of the children)...but AIBU to think she totally overreacted to that? Common sense would have told her there was no actual threat to little fingers being deliberately bashed by an adult.

And AIBU to think that her telling me the child had SN made no difference to the situation because the whole time I continued to just talk to all the children in a friendly way. I was tolerating their behaviour the whole time just trying to manage it so DS could have something of a game. Knowing one of the children had SN wasn't going to change my approach of continue to tell them to stand back, let us play and watch their hands for the 5 mins or so the game lasted. Surely it's better to get the parent involved who knows their child and how to help them if they're in a disruptive situation?

OP posts:
Frusso · 08/01/2016 18:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

GingerIvy · 08/01/2016 18:40
  1. The OP was fine.
  2. The woman was not - she could have been much more proactive and ordered the other 3 away, hoping the child with SNs followed, or gotten the child's mother to deal with it.
  3. Those who harp about "SNs is no excuse" have spectacularly missed the point. SNs is an excuse/reason for his behaviour. It is not, however, reason for the woman's miserable behaviour.
  4. Derogatory comments about parents of children with SN or "holy letters of S and N" are truly not necessary or helpful.
A little maturity wouldn't go amiss. Hmm
DancingDinosaur · 08/01/2016 18:44

Allowances for the child maybe, but allowances for a parent acting entitled and hard done by because there are social expectations?

Oh I don't know, I think I could find it in myself to extend a little sympathy, when social expectations and guiding your child towards that are more of a challenge than normal. I think I could do that no problem.

bialystockandbloom · 08/01/2016 18:44

Alice I agree that OP did nothing wrong, and I also constantly supervise my dc with SN to ensure situations like this do not happen, or intervene if needed. Also agree that I had been the woman (or the boy's mum) I would have removed him from ruining someone's game.

My point is the posts that just say "SN is no excuse" - inaccurate and bigoted.

Yep I admit to trying to counter this attitude, as SN is an excuse for some behaviour that in NT people would be unacceptable. And that it doesn't require a huge leap of empathy to imagine what the life of the parent is like, and to cut them some slack.

bialystockandbloom · 08/01/2016 18:46

x-posts with dinosaur who said exactly what I meant:

I think I could find it in myself to extend a little sympathy, when social expectations and guiding your child towards that are more of a challenge than normal. I think I could do that no problem.

Smile
BaronessEllaSaturday · 08/01/2016 18:48

The op stated that the woman was mother to at least one of the other children at the table so she was using someone else's child to excuse the bad behaviour of hers. That is appalling and Usual and Fanjo should be up in arms about that, it is people behaving the way this woman did that cause some of the attitudes they come across. The woman could have told her child/children to leave them alone but she didn't instead she choose to focus on the child with SN. In this case SN is no excuse does apply because it wan't her child with the SN so she can't use it as an excuse for not dealing with her child/children.

Gileswithachainsaw · 08/01/2016 18:50

But the woman wasn't the child's parent. so she's not had to deal with how hard it is. she sounds like she saw an opportunity to have a go at someone and try and make them look bad despite the fact they hadn't been horrible to the kids.

why mention the SN at all. not her place to say surely? all she had to do was go get the mum and call off the other three.

DancingDinosaur · 08/01/2016 18:51

Maybe its because she felt she couldn't remove her own child / children and leave the remaining ones with the op. Maybe she felt it was safer to stay with all of them to observe in those circumstances.

thelouise · 08/01/2016 18:51

I have a child with additional needs. However, I am not one of those super outraged mums who thinks everything is a slight on me because I know the whole world does not revolve around me. I also know that not everyone is out to get me and my son. OP, you did nothing wrong. For me, it's instinct to tell a child to be careful as I don't want them to get hurt. In your scenario, it's easy to focus on the child who has special needs, conveniently ignore the other 3 children who were being PITAs and make it a disablist issue. It's not, it's about communicating effectively. There is some nasty shit about children with SN on MN but I can't see that you were being nasty.

AliceInUnderpants · 08/01/2016 18:52

bialy as SN is an excuse for some behaviour that in NT people would be unacceptable.

No, it's not an excuse, it can be an explanation

Gileswithachainsaw · 08/01/2016 18:53

Well she hadn't been bothered about that up til that point had she?

NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 08/01/2016 18:53

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DancingDinosaur · 08/01/2016 18:53

she's not had to deal with how hard it is.

But how do you know that? If shes a friend I would think she likely does know how hard it is and how that child is likely to react.

Waltermittythesequel · 08/01/2016 18:54

These threads always go the same way.

I think parents of children with SN feel defensive because they have to read crap comments all the time.

But that defensiveness gets people's backs up because their posts can be accusatory or sound like they think SN should be a reason to do whatever the hell they want...

And on it goes...

The woman sounds like a bit of a cow, to be honest. Confrontational and then sprinting to climb on her high horse. Meanwhile the mum of the SN child didn't actually say anything? So the cow was just being a cow!

woollytights · 08/01/2016 18:55

It's fair to expect others around you to make reasonable allowances for a child with special needs. It would not be reasonable or fair to expect the OP to essentially pay for the child and his friends to play air hockey because they came and took it over Confused

The woman's behaviour seems ridiculous but I have a feeling theres probably some explanation. OP acted fine in my opinion

Gileswithachainsaw · 08/01/2016 18:55

you take the hit though surely?
those games can be lethal and if op had kept quiet and others had played after (including the other three children) it could have been pretty nasty.

they were lucky it was op playing.

ObsidianBlackbirdMcNight · 08/01/2016 19:00

The woman should have said 'look, this lad has SN and he won't come with me, his parent is just there, can you hang on while I get them?' No biggie. Instead she was shitty and rude and unhelpful.
At the point that op said 'carry on and let them get their fingers bashed' she didn't know the child had SN.

BaronessEllaSaturday · 08/01/2016 19:01

Maybe its because she felt she couldn't remove her own child / children and leave the remaining ones with the op

Telling them to stop interfering would have been a start but she didn't even do that, there was plenty she could have done while still keeping an eye on the child with SN.

Skzr1214 · 08/01/2016 19:01

I would have liked around and would have asked loudly who the f.... was the parent of those children (not the swear word really but to make my point). And would warn loudly that these children are disturbing my kids so need to be taken away immediately. You are far more patient than me

Skzr1214 · 08/01/2016 19:02

Looked around . Sorry for the error

MiaowTheCat · 08/01/2016 19:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MiaowTheCat · 08/01/2016 19:04

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DancingDinosaur · 08/01/2016 19:04

The woman didn't handle it right, of course. Its never cool to lose your cool. But I would imagine that they are at the beginning of a steep learning curve anyway and dealing with other peoples perceptions and reactions is a sad part of that. And maybe the ops comments just pissed her off. The comments about the fingers would piss me off to be honest, especially if I had walked up and heard a grown adult saying that. I don't think the op handled it right either.

RidersOnTheStorm · 08/01/2016 19:05

YWNBU. Awful woman.

honkinghaddock · 08/01/2016 19:05

I see it only took 2 comments to start the usual digs at children with sn.

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