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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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AIBU to think woman in soft play was rude and unhelpful

287 replies

fassbendersmistress · 08/01/2016 16:45

Sorry...it's a bit long...(and about soft play to boot.

Put money in air hockey machine to play with DS (3) and Dsis. 4 boys, about 2/3 yrs older than DS came over and tried to grab the equipment. I said, in a really friendly way, we had paid our money and DS was playing. They hung around the table trying to grab the puck and demanding a turn, shouting it wasn't fair...I told them if they wanted to play they could go ask their mums. They kept reaching onto the table. I told them several times to be careful/watch their fingers etc...no drama, just a bit annoying but par for the course in soft play. So at one point when they all had their hands in front of Dsis trying to grab the puck, yet again holding up the game, I said to her just to play on and if they got their hands caught they got their hands caught. Bear in mind they'd been asked very nicely many times to move hands and this was a VERY gentle game - puck travelling at snail pace! She was not about to smash it into their fingers.

At this point a woman appeared beside me and gave me a filthy look. She moved next to the boys who were still reaching and grabbing but didn't stop them, just continued to stare me out. So I asked her why the look. She told me I couldn't speak like that to the children. I explained I had only asked children politely to take their hands off the table (it would have been obvious to anyone watching they were really disrupting the game but we weren't actually making any big fuss about this). She told me that one of the boys had SN and that I was a disgrace. She said she wasn't his parent but that she knew him and I was totally out of order to say that Dsis should play on and that 'the boy could get his hands caught'. She just kept saying 'he has SN FGS'....that I had 'no idea'. This all took place over 5 minutes. At no point did any other adult approach the kids. She didn't attempt to get the parent of the child with SN. For what was left of our game, she stood by the table giving me filthy looks, allowing the children she apparently knew and at least one of whom was hers, to continue grabbing away. When the game finished outraged woman went and got a hug from her friend.

Now, I accept that I probably shouldn't have said the comment about them getting their fingers caught out loud...(it wasn't actually said to or overheard by any of the children)...but AIBU to think she totally overreacted to that? Common sense would have told her there was no actual threat to little fingers being deliberately bashed by an adult.

And AIBU to think that her telling me the child had SN made no difference to the situation because the whole time I continued to just talk to all the children in a friendly way. I was tolerating their behaviour the whole time just trying to manage it so DS could have something of a game. Knowing one of the children had SN wasn't going to change my approach of continue to tell them to stand back, let us play and watch their hands for the 5 mins or so the game lasted. Surely it's better to get the parent involved who knows their child and how to help them if they're in a disruptive situation?

OP posts:
Dollymixtureyumyum · 09/01/2016 03:07

I have to explain my own disability a lot fanjo and yes it is better to be polite and explain in an none aggressive manner. Surely explaining in a calm way is going to get much better responses then being aggressive and rude and go a long way towards educating others about SN.

honkinghaddock · 09/01/2016 06:42

I could spend all day explaining ds's disability. There comes a point where there has to be some thought coming from the other direction. As I said before I don't think the op's actions were unreasonable but posts from others were.

honkinghaddock · 09/01/2016 06:50

It is particularly irritating to read things implying that if you work hard enough your child will go off to college and do all the things nt children do, when you know your child will never walk down the street on their own because they will never understand that walking in the road could kill them. That sort of posting breeds ignorance.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 07:40

Dolly:

*FanjofortheMammaries

Obviously politeness is best in all situations..*

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 07:41

Honking Thanks

Woodhill · 09/01/2016 09:39

In this situation though there was more than one dc who was causing an issue with op. Surely they did not all have SNs and if not the non SNs dc should have known better.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 09:45

We are talking about general attitudes on MN

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 09:45

Would be nice if people read and thought about what we posted instead of just coming along trying to find a way to be right

Woodhill · 09/01/2016 09:53

I am commenting on this particular situation and I think the aggressive woman was out of order.

However I have worked with SN teenagers at times. I know it can't be easy as a parent.

honkinghaddock · 09/01/2016 10:47

"as soon as a child has sn any behaviour is condoned and we are all just to accept it"
Third post on this thread and already someone having a general dig. That is why people get annoyed.

Owllady · 09/01/2016 10:52

I wish the op would answer where this was as I'm really interested to hear whether it's the same place this happened to me :o or whether soft play just attracts aggressive mothers!

I have a child with severe sn. I don't even explain to people if people can't work it out, its their problem. I do wonder how many threads have been started about us......

Idefix · 09/01/2016 11:18

I think I was one of the first five posters who comment and said that this woman (not op) was being unnecessarily aggressive and have watched a bit gobsmacked how this thread has flowed.

As I said in my post that had it been my ds interrupting anothers game/enjoyment I would have intervened and this is not because I am SN children and I want to upset him but because I knew it wrong.

Fwiw I never felt the need to explain why if ever my child was doing something undesirable, it was my role to intercept and stop what was happening. both nt and sn children are capable of misbehaving and it is parents and society at large who should set about showing, mirroring and teaching the behaviour we want our children to develop.

fassbendersmistress · 09/01/2016 11:24

Owl I don't want to say exactly where it took place as I don't want my location identified (haven't nc'd for this post....), but it was in the greater London area, if that helps!

I wouldn't say soft play attracts 'aggressive mothers' per se...but the whole set up is predisposed to chaos. On the occasions we go, my desperate need for entertainment/physical activity for DS outweighs my natural desire to avoid such places. This is the first time I've had to contend with another adult. Unfortunately for DS it's put me right off going back.

OP posts:
fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 11:24

(Sn is no excuse) Hmm

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 11:29

X posted there

honkinghaddock · 09/01/2016 11:30

Depending upon what is meant by undesirable behaviour there is some in some children that you cannot stop or prevent or because there are many bigger things to deal with you ignore the smaller stuff.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 11:36

Honking I don't think people will get it unless they experience it.

At most people say oh yes it must be hard for you...but...

I'm going to go and do something more productive

fassbendersmistress · 09/01/2016 11:40

Also Owl I should point out that it really wasn't obvious that any of the children had SN. Their behaviour all mirrored each other's - 4 kids screaming and grabbing. (And yes, I know that SNs can be invisible to others). My main focus was on my DS who was trying to play whilst one of the boys repeatedly tried to grab the equipment of him. I'm afraid there simply wasn't the time for me to stand back and 'bother to work it out for myself' that one or more of them might have had SN, as several posters on here have suggested. It was all I could do to ask them politely to stop while encouraging my DS with his game and watching out that he didn't twat one of the little charmers over the head!!

OP posts:
BadLad · 09/01/2016 11:48

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 11:52

And that others are insensitive goady fuckers who get kicks out of making digs at upset people to enhance their sad lives.

Owllady · 09/01/2016 11:59

Oh I think soft play centres are the threshold of hell tbh fass! (We are 50 miles north of L so most probably just another aggressive mother :o)

I don't think it matters if you have a child who has sn or not, or an nt child or no children at all. There is absolutely NO NEED to be openly hostile with people you don't know and then become aggressive. If anything if you have a child with behavioural issues, your behaviour around them is calm tempered anyway, otherwise escalation is a possibility.

I haven't read the whole thread btw Blush just the Op :)

stopfuckingshoutingatme · 09/01/2016 14:25

I would also imagine (maybe ) that having a child with sn is extra stressful and can be very draining

Hence maybe on threads like this (and my post was deleted but was meant to be a dig at the thread not the issue ) parents with this issue are likely be be somewhat sensitive to criticism

For every goady post , there will be also people that learn and get a better view as to what it can be like

So yeah it's a rat fight but also educational too -

I have heaps more empathy from reading these threads / and am more sensitive to this if I see certain behaviours

PuntasticUsername · 09/01/2016 14:33

"I have heaps more empathy from reading these threads / and am more sensitive to this if I see certain behaviours".

Me too, FWIW. As with so many things on mn, it gives me insights into other people's lives that I'd likely never come across otherwise. I'm grateful for it,and hope it helps me to help others in turn.

SoftDay · 09/01/2016 14:50

Yes, I agree Puntastic and stopfuckingshoutingat me. I have learned so much from these types of threads, unpleasant as they sometimes are. I am child-free by choice and have no direct experience of children with SN, other than the daughter of a cousin of mine who has severe ASD. My DSister works with children with a range of SN and talking to her about her work has greatly expanded my understanding of the difficulties for parents.

OP, I don't think you behaved poorly at all, but the thread kicked off, as they so often do.

Fanjo, you are a tireless advocate on these boards. I can only say, "Fair feckin pay to you." You sound like a remarkably strong person and a fantastic parent. Hope you get another nap at some point today Chocolate.

fanjoforthemammaries7850 · 09/01/2016 15:03

Thanks. These posts mean a lot. Thanks