AIBU to think woman in soft play was rude and unhelpful

[fassbendersmistress]

Sorry...it's a bit long...(and about soft play to boot.

Put money in air hockey machine to play with DS (3) and Dsis. 4 boys, about 2/3 yrs older than DS came over and tried to grab the equipment. I said, in a really friendly way, we had paid our money and DS was playing. They hung around the table trying to grab the puck and demanding a turn, shouting it wasn't fair...I told them if they wanted to play they could go ask their mums. They kept reaching onto the table. I told them several times to be careful/watch their fingers etc...no drama, just a bit annoying but par for the course in soft play. So at one point when they all had their hands in front of Dsis trying to grab the puck, yet again holding up the game, I said to her just to play on and if they got their hands caught they got their hands caught. Bear in mind they'd been asked very nicely many times to move hands and this was a VERY gentle game - puck travelling at snail pace! She was not about to smash it into their fingers.

At this point a woman appeared beside me and gave me a filthy look. She moved next to the boys who were still reaching and grabbing but didn't stop them, just continued to stare me out. So I asked her why the look. She told me I couldn't speak like that to the children. I explained I had only asked children politely to take their hands off the table (it would have been obvious to anyone watching they were really disrupting the game but we weren't actually making any big fuss about this). She told me that one of the boys had SN and that I was a disgrace. She said she wasn't his parent but that she knew him and I was totally out of order to say that Dsis should play on and that 'the boy could get his hands caught'. She just kept saying 'he has SN FGS'....that I had 'no idea'. This all took place over 5 minutes. At no point did any other adult approach the kids. She didn't attempt to get the parent of the child with SN. For what was left of our game, she stood by the table giving me filthy looks, allowing the children she apparently knew and at least one of whom was hers, to continue grabbing away. When the game finished outraged woman went and got a hug from her friend.

Now, I accept that I probably shouldn't have said the comment about them getting their fingers caught out loud...(it wasn't actually said to or overheard by any of the children)...but AIBU to think she totally overreacted to that? Common sense would have told her there was no actual threat to little fingers being deliberately bashed by an adult.

And AIBU to think that her telling me the child had SN made no difference to the situation because the whole time I continued to just talk to all the children in a friendly way. I was tolerating their behaviour the whole time just trying to manage it so DS could have something of a game. Knowing one of the children had SN wasn't going to change my approach of continue to tell them to stand back, let us play and watch their hands for the 5 mins or so the game lasted. Surely it's better to get the parent involved who knows their child and how to help them if they're in a disruptive situation?

Honestly asking, Mistress, what vile attitudes? I mean, what has been said that you think is vile?

1 of the children has SN the other 3 didn't. The woman could have easily asked the 3 who didn't to move away and go and do something else, this may have meant that the child with SN left as well so no instructions were needed to be given to the child with SN, the point is the other 3 were also allowed to interfere and all focus was put on the SN by the parent of one of the other children. The issue is nothing to do with the child with SN but a parent of a child using someone else's SN to not parent their child.

That's what I meant, goodnight. Some children aren't supervised properly. Some children with an SN aren't supervised adequately.
Hey ho, all part of Soft Play's infinite variety, innit? OP being passive aggressive about the disruption to a game doesn't cover her in glory either tbh.

The 'SN not being a free pass to be naughty' type comments and the digs at specific posters like Fanjo. That sort of shitty comment.

Do you think stopfuckingshoutingatmes post was called for Darth?

The AIBU is about an adult, not a child with SN. I can't see the reason for all the thread outrage.

Because the focus swings to 'SNs being an excuse for everything'.

Rather than the woman's poor behavior.

ark She politely told the kids they were playing, asked them several times to remove their hands, then when they continued to ignore her, her patience wore a bit thin and she told her Dsis to carry on. They weren't listening to her addressing them directly, so why should she carry on doing so? I can't imagine you (or most other parents) have always kept their patience when dealing with a stranger's children bothering your own.

If SN hadn't been mentioned, the replies from Fanjo, Usual and yourself would likely be different, IMO.

The ones where all children must behave at all times, especially the ones with additional needs? Whose parents must be Saints Of Attentiveness and not allowed to be just, y'know, people?

Yeah, I agree with this. Yes maybe the woman should have said sorry I can't take him away for X Y and Z, but you lost the moral highground when you said if they got their hands caught they got their hands caught. It doesn't sound like she was standing there when you said it, if she caught the tail end of that then I can understand the dirty look tbh. Those kids were only 5 or 6 themselves.

Do you think stopfuckingshoutingatmes post was called for Darth?

Honestly, I think that post was pretty mild.

And some parents do use SN as an excuse for bad behaviour. Of course, not all do, but it seems like in this case it was very likely that's what the "guardian" was doing. I don't think, personally, that kids use SN as an excuse for bad behaviour. But they learn what's acceptable from parents / guardians, and in this case, yes, the onus is entirely on the guardian (and, IMO, also on the 3 kids without SN) to not act like jerks.

There's never an excuse to be rude to a kid you know has SN. But gentle corrections / suggestions about their behaviour, as OP started off doing - not even knowing that one had SN - is perfectly acceptable, IMO. It takes a village, after all.

I wonder why people start threads like this ?

I've never posted a thread on this subject before. It happened and I was genuinely perplexed by this woman's behaviour. I didn't give a second thought to the 'sort of people it my attract'....is that something people actually do

Quoting myself But they learn what's acceptable from parents

I meant to add that I know some behaviour kids can't help or stop, and that not all behaviour can be helped or stopped by parents / guardians, either. But that doesn't then mean the parent / guardian should be rude to people the child is disrupting, either.

YADNBU! My DS has SN, (Asperger's and Tourettes) and neither condition is a free pass for him to act like a brat. And for my side, I have always managed things carefully so he won't run into a situation he doesn't understand or where he may disturb others. I used to take him to soft play once a week, and he was never out of my sight.

The only other thing you could have done was walk away from the game you have paid for, which would have been U!

Op you were far more patient than I would have been. What a shame that those kids spoiled your ds's enjoyment of the game. Only one boy had SN so what was the excuse of the other children and where were their parents? Having SN may affect that child's understanding of turn taking or whatever which is why he does require more supervision. IMO if that woman felt close enough to the boy's mother to stick her nose in, she's close enough to guide the boy away or ask him to stand quietly and wait.
I'd actually like to know what the boy's needs were. We have a boy at my dd's school whose was always causing problems at school pick up. The mum always left him to it and if anyone spoke to her she said "Leave him alone he has SN". My friend went to the head after the boy twice attacked her dd and he dragged the mum in and gave her a bollocking. The mum was apparently making it up to avoid confrontation. The head banned her from the playground for a couple of days.
I think at soft play areas if there is any significant bother with other kids or parents, it's best to have a word with the management. There's a lot of nutcases at these places.

About a quarter of the way through this thread I was about to post you didn't really handle it wrong OP but please can we not have anyone piping up with SN is no excuse

I really didn't have to wait long before a load of fuckers came on to say just that. Then fanjo gets abuse for yet again trying to explain that more often than not SN is exactly reason for the kind of behaviour that people with SN behave exactly in the way they sometimes do.

Thank god for the pp who wrote this:

It's not being entitled. It's about a lack of understanding about turn taking, impulsive behaviour and difference that requires a little tolerance.

But, woe betide any parent of a SN child who hopes that other parents may make some allowances.

But she was using it as an excuse to do what she liked

surely the correct thing to do would have been to call off the other three and tell op that she would go get the other ones mum.

no need to divulge anything at all.

Instead she chose to ignore all four then had the nerve to have a go. as if it excused her being a rude bitch.

what about the next kids they watched play the air hockey who were playing fast. they'd have got hurt then

Sorry that didn't make sense. Meant to say more often than not SN is exactly the reason for why people with SN behave in the way they sometimes do.

It's often said that parents of NT children ostracise and make things difficult for parents of children with SN. Unfortunately, this thread and certain posters on it suggest that parents of children with SN can be just as judgemental and stereotypical.

I don't think you did anything wrong Op but it doesn't take long for ludicrous generalizations about children with additional needs and their parents/carers, to surface in a thread like this.

If SN hadn't been mentioned, the replies from Fanjo, Usual and yourself would likely be different, IMO.

Well precisely - but SN became the focus of the OP because of those who came bowling along to bestow the wisdom of "SN is no excuse"

OP was the mother of the child with SN also the mother of the other three kids?

Then fanjo gets abuse for yet again trying to explain that more often than not SN is exactly reason for the kind of behaviour that people with SN behave exactly in the way they sometimes do.

How did the child's SN explain the woman's behaviour?

The problem was with the woman - not the child FFS.

Some people will take any opportunity to fight their 'cause'. It'd be much more productive if done when it's necessary.

Well if at least 3 of the children were hers, or even just 2, then its not so easy to constantly keep your eye on the ball the whole time, especially if you're tired and run off your feet, sick of getting up for the millionth time to intervene again. Occasionally other peoples kids are annoying, (hell I know mine are) but in the whole scheme of things its not the end of the world is it. Wheres the harm in cutting someone a break sometimes. Maybe the hug was because the mum really was at the end of her tether and just felt she couldn't go into battle yet again. Which is where the friend stepped in.