AIBU regarding mum not helping more

[sellisx]

To start with, I don't have a great relationship with my mum as it is. I think she is narcissistic. But I want somebody else's view.

I have struggled through my pregnancy, it got worse giving birth. And even worse having a baby. I have no friends, not exaggerating, the last time I saw my only friend was a year ago. My mum knows this and still refuses to help. Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child.

I asked my mum, who has only had my child once over night. She asked when the bus leaves I told her it was 6am (the only early bus) and she goes "oh what, can't you get a later one being your staying over night" I said no, its already booked she asked when I was coming back, I told her 6pm the next night. she goes "oh brilliant so I'm literally having him for two nights. thanks for that"

This from the woman who swaned away on her 50th last year, leaving me with her bloody cat!

I realise my mum is not a babysitter, she doesn't have to look after him ever, but why won't she just love my son? Why is she punishing by having a baby? (she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

No. Saw that thanks

I don't think Giddy said anything wrong. It was a supportive enough post and an observation. Nothing wrong with that.

It sounded a little sarcastic/goady to me, but that is words on a screen for you I suppose.

You don't need your mum. She's not going to help.

Can your OH go cap in hand to his mum, tell her he fucked up, booked this treat for you and now your mum won't babysit, so, mum, pleeeease? I know she's babysitting in another couple of weeks, but maybe, just this once, she could do both?

It certainly wasn't meant to sound sarcastic or goady. I have a long history of depression myself.

Stop blaming your mother for not doing your partner's job. Looking after your child is your responsibility and his, not hers.

She may not be a warm and helpful granny, but she has never pretended that she would be.

You seem to prioritise everything except the wellbeing of your child. Why would you leave your child with someone who's having them under sufferance? Why would you want to?

As for the bit about not getting a later bus as it would cut into your shopping time, that leaves me speechless and without any sympathy for you whatsoever. I do feel very sorry for your poor child.

Find a council-run children's centre. The staff there will help you get to know people, and shouldn't leave you sitting on your own.

You need to get out there and make friends. I'm not saying it's easy, but keep going and eventually you'll get there.

Does your boyfriend have friends with partners you could get to know?

I agree with all the people saying to get out with your dc and meet other parents, it makes it all so much easier. I had no mum friends til my dd was 2 (moved to a new area, worked a lot) and my life improved a lot when I made a few friends with dc, this is far and away your biggest problem. I second the advice about wondering why you're rushing to have another dc, you've plenty of time, work on your network first. I had a friend's dc when they went into labor with baby 2 and would happily do so again

OP, did your mother ever explain why she thought getting pregnant was the worst mistake you could ever make? I sense that there is a backstory we are not hearing about.

CAn I just ask why do you have no friends? Did this just happen when you got with you OH. Reading your post seems you have an OH problem he should be giving you a break when he's not working

Whether or not your mum was off that week is not relevant. He was silly to book it without sorting out childcare before hand. Would you book a holiday before asking your boss for time off?

Can you go to any baby groups or mum groups. There is loads for free where I live. Might be a way to meet other mums.

My mum said that as she knew my life would be over in a sense, she knew I would be stuck a home with a baby not getting out to live. Well thats what I'm pressuming. I've always been the fuck up child so I think she was disappointed in me

No I've just never had any friends. I've had one since 2011 but the last time I saw her was a year ago.

OH does have friends with girlfriends but they are a few years older than me. I don't blame OH for not letting me have a break at the weekend, I hate going anywhere by myself

They a few years older with full time jobs and live 40 minutes away. My OH hasn't been in contact with his friends recently much. He has maybe seen two of them, three times

I echo what everyone else saying get in contact with your sure start centre they run loads of groups and can support you in attending a group.

I was the same age as you when I had my ds (but living away from home) it's terribly lonely and you find out who your friends are! Can j ask why you haven't seen your friend for a year? Do you keep in contact over whatsapp etc?

It's up to you to get the right support and make new friends. I have friends younger and much older than me from taking the kids to nursery and school.

Have you thought of joining an app like Instagram? I made lots of friends through that too.

Don't have another babe until you've sorted out your social life that's important. And your dp needs to sort out the child care too it's his responsibility to get this sorted not you.

I hope things sort out for you. Take this as a turning point in your life to be where you want to be

One day it will hit you that noone is responsible for your happiness but you. Not your dm or your dp buy yourself, if you stop expecting things from others and start making your life for yourself you'll feel a lot more in control and realise how much opportunity there is for you.
You have these expectations of your dm which are never going to materialise - stop dwelling on them and instead change your approach towards it.
You didn't know your dp well enough when you fell pregnant to know how he would be as a father, but honestly from what you have said he isn't helping you to make friends or a life for yourself.
You say your mum said your life would be over by having a child and so far your proving her right - change this, prove her wrong, show her that your life hasnt ended in the way maybe she thinks hers did when she had children.

Why do you keep getting pregnant even though you are struggling? having another baby will make your situation ten times worse. You are young and have another 18 years of child bearing years ahead of you, you can surely wait until you are more mentally stable to bring another child into this world.

If your child 2, you will get 15 hours free childcare. If you can make it until then you can enrol on an college course or go back to work part time.

Second to everyone saying go to groups.
I was crippled with pnd and literally saw no colour.
A lovely health visitor told me of an extra referral only group. It saved me.
Now I have lots of friends, a part time job I really like and I'm feeling 'out the other side'

You can't blame your mother.
Your dp shouldn't have assumed before booking the trip.
In the last three years DH and I have been out just the two of us about 5 times. And that is more than other couples I know.

Have read the whole thread and am struck by a couple of things:

Why on earth do you want your mum to babysit your DS? There is no way I would leave my DC with someone with her attitude - no babysitting would be better than that!

Stop helping your mother out - every time she asks you to do something for her, make excuses, say you are busy etc etc. You do seem to have an unhealthy relationship and you need to make the changes - it will be difficult to say no as i am sure she will try every trick in the book but push through it.

Can you afford to pay for your DS to go to nursery at least one day a week? You can work in peace, have a couple of hours to yourself and your DS will benefit from the interaction with others.

There are several comments about your DP and his lack of support in terms of childcare, at times of stress. You have not responded to these at all and seem to be ignoring these comments. Do you feel your DP's behaviour is reasonable? Do you feel he is supportive? Do you feel it was acceptable for him to stay at work whilst you miscarried?

Well done for taking on board the suggestions on here and taking a step forward with the driving

Sellsix - you did brilliantly yesterday, you contacted 9 driving instructors and managed to find one who did weekend lessons. If you continue at this rate, you'll be on target to make 2016 an amazing year.

A job for today I suggest would be to make a doctors appointment.
Firstly to check the dose of AD's you are on - several people have mentioned this so worth getting it reviewed - and also to review your contraception method. You need to make yourself a real priority for this year and as others have said now is not the ideal time for you to be having another DC, so make life a bit easier for yourselves and take it out of the equation for now.

Thirdly you can also ask what HV support they have - the referral only group sounds very promising. Maybe I shouldn't say this but I found baby groups hard work - everyone so focused on their little one - and quite competitive about who was doing what the first. Certainly give them a try, but don't blame yourself if some of them don't work out for you.

My mum said that as she knew my life would be over in a sense, she knew I would be stuck a home with a baby not getting out to live. Well thats what I'm pressuming. I've always been the fuck up child so I think she was disappointed in me

I am wondering if that was a general "stupid to have an unplanned pregnancy" on your mother's part, maybe related to life experience of her own, or if it is related to her opinion of your partner.

You are certainly doing your best to prove her right, particularly with the ongoing "unplanned" pregnancies since the first.

Love, you need to get a grip and stop behaving like a stereotype from the Daily Mail. You, and your child, deserve better.

I would suggest getting your chid into a few sessions a week of private nursery, if you can even afford two mornings. Or try things like a gym with a creche. A break if you have PND is really wonderful.

I agree it is important to ask your mum before booking nights away and your partner has not helped there.

Mmmm I read this yesterday and came back to see what had happened. I just wanted to add....
I am 37 and have three boys. I am one of four (eldest) and there are huge age gaps. Youngest sib is three Years apart from my oldest. My mum made it clear she wouldn't help- even though DS1 has autism and I was an ill prepared kid..... Sometimes I felt horribly resentful when I was in my early 20s and I had no partner.
It's only really been in my thirties that I have realised I was in control of what happened to me. I went back to work, then qualified for a good job. Moved away from my mum and actually am no contact and have been for a while. Not because of babysitting but the fact, much as with you, support was one sided. I bailed her out, was a shoulder to cry on and yet she bought nothing to the 'party'. It bloody hurt when it dawned on me....
The others are right. You need to treat your obvious mental health issues and make a plan. Your partner was a bit silly to book time away without checking first and your mother is not obliged..
Can you not do a centre parcs, holiday weekend type thing for the three of you? Yes its nice to have a break but if it's not forthcoming are you going to enjoy it?
It will all get better but it is baby steps.... Work on you and learn to stand up.for yourself.

And with regard to more babies now is not the time..You need a proper rest and to recover.

My Mother is rather like yours and very disinterested, one of my sisters especially takes it to heart like you and has been haunted all her life by the yearning to want our Motehr to be something she will never ever be. I on the other hand have zero expectations.

If you have expectations of her that can never be met you will be constantly disappointed and therein lies your misery.

I'm a similar age to your Mother and no chance of being a grandmother yet unless secondary school age DS gets up to no good. I would babysit if I ever become a grandmother but I would be mighty peeved to be told the times and not asked before booking. I think your partner is at fault.

I think you would benefit from having some counselling.

Op I'm nearly the same age as your Mum and have a dd your age who lives at home. I would be terribly disappointed if dd told me she was pregnant particularly in a new relationship tbh because I want her to live her life a bit like she does now.
Dd knows that I have no intention of being a hands on Granny,I've done my share of parenting, now I want to pursue my own interests.I don't think it's selfish not to want to look after grandchildren, toddlers are hard work and tbh if they aren't your own they are pretty annoying.
To make this better you need to be brave and reach out and get some friends and support from people in similar circumstances.You also need to get your dp to step up too.
I suspect that your Mum is trying to force you to do this really instead of having a chat.Maybe she thinks pushing you away will make you look elsewhere.
When you have a circle of support that doesn't rely on dm you might well find that you are less concerned about your dm's involvement and hopefully you will be too busy getting out and about to be at her beck and call too.