AIBU regarding mum not helping more

[sellisx]

To start with, I don't have a great relationship with my mum as it is. I think she is narcissistic. But I want somebody else's view.

I have struggled through my pregnancy, it got worse giving birth. And even worse having a baby. I have no friends, not exaggerating, the last time I saw my only friend was a year ago. My mum knows this and still refuses to help. Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child.

I asked my mum, who has only had my child once over night. She asked when the bus leaves I told her it was 6am (the only early bus) and she goes "oh what, can't you get a later one being your staying over night" I said no, its already booked she asked when I was coming back, I told her 6pm the next night. she goes "oh brilliant so I'm literally having him for two nights. thanks for that"

This from the woman who swaned away on her 50th last year, leaving me with her bloody cat!

I realise my mum is not a babysitter, she doesn't have to look after him ever, but why won't she just love my son? Why is she punishing by having a baby? (she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

Bum ba dum..... There we have it. Your mum is not the problem. Your lazy partner who won't look after his own child is the problem. WTF are you doing even considering having another child FFS?????

Whois - Okay okay!

OP has a few struggles on here. A supportive mum would be useful but she's not got that, and yes her partner is not doing his bit.

I agree the partner needs tackling first. I think friend hunting might be the next stage - with similar mothers. Invite them over for a coffee ..step by step .. make some changes.

Good luck OP

Wow you are between a rock and a hard place, so it seems, with your DM and your DP.

Firstly, stop running around after your Mum. Why on earth do you have to arrange her vet appointments and her car servicing. That is madness. If she can contact you to ask you to contact them, then she is more than capable of doing it herself! Next time, say you are too busy and she will have to do it herself. Ditto walking with her to the supermarket. Keep repeating like a stuck record "Sorry Mum but I am too busy."

As for your DP - words almost fail me. You might as well be a LP judging by the amount of help and support he gives you. He seems to have completely failed to take on board that he is now a parent and part of a family unit. You need to sit him down and spell out exactly what you expect from him in terms of child-care, help round the house etc etc. I get that this was an unplanned pregnancy but, tough. It's a reality now and he has responsibilities, like it or not. Be blunt. The message needs to be, shape up or ship out. Between running around after your mum, and getting precious little in return by the sound of it, and picking up the miles of slack left by your frankly bone-idle DP, it is no wonder you are frazzled and struggling.

They are both taking you for granted. Only you can change that. As others have said - don't ask DP to have the baby so you can have some down-time. Tell him he is on child-care duty while you do your own thing for a few hours, even if it's only walking down to the local coffee shop with a book.

My mum didn't see my eldest from when she was 5mths til she was 7, and she didn't meet my youngest til she was 4. I've not heard from her since October.

You're in the unless mum club. You just learn not to think about asking for help. I'm sorry for you.

However, you do (actually, your boyfriend does) have to have a hard think about whether you'd even want your baby looked after by someone so disinterested.

Also, get some friends! Get out to some toddler groups or something and find a like minded friend. It helps.

Hmm at first was against the initial OH bashing at the start of this thread but starting to feel like he really might be your main issue. Your mum isnt the mumsy type, sounds like she never will be, but as your relation there really isnt much you can do.

On the other hand you CAN change who you live with and are partner with

your OH sounds like he needs to realize that he doesn't a GF, he has a GF with a child, thats a package so pull your effing weight!

tell him to pull his finger out!

your OH sounds like he needs to realize that he doesn't a GF, he has a GF with a child, thats a package so pull your effing weight!

Pedantic, perhaps - but I need to take issue with your language in this post.

He doesn't have "a GF with a child", he has a child. It is his child, just as much as it's her child. He is responsible for the child he brought into the world.

He needs to grow the fuck up. And use a condom.

Glad you've made a appointment with ur GP. Once your feeling better about yourself you should join every mother and toddler group going. I had my first Dd when I was a couple of yrs younger than you and it's scary going for the first time but everybody else feels the same.
Some of the friends i made then I still see 23yrs later and your Ds will love it. Once you have a good circle of friends around you hopefully you'll see that ur OH is not stepping up for you and your Ds and you'll be in a better place to deal with it.
Good luck.

You've done brilliantly OP - you're taking the suggestions on board and actually taking action.

Re your OH. I suspect that the issue for him as it is perhaps for you, is that he may well not have seen or received good parenting himself so it's hard for him to know what it looks like. So in his mind by going out to work and earning money he is being a good Dad and doesn't recognise that he could and should be doing more.

I think framing it positively will have better results, so say that it would be good for him to bond more with his DS and he can do that by spending a bit of time with him at weekends. Once you're feeling a bit better you could find free/cheap things to do together as a family.

It sounds like you've both been taught/learned that having a family is a bad thing and stops your life, whereas it doesn't it just needs to be lived differently.

' this is about political correctness and not facing the truth and not being allowed to open;ly report or post comments on the Guardian about opinions.'

You give nice advice rookiemere.

'It sounds like you've both been taught/learned that having a family is a bad thing and stops your life, whereas it doesn't it just needs to be lived differently.'

Oops Rookiemere - this is the nice advice you give.

(ignore my last post )

Sorry Inkanta - I'm not sure what the first line of your post is referring to?

Ah thanks Inskanta.

Sorry Rookiemere to alarm you there. Been following other threads! Did you spot your correct quote above

See if you can get a refund and use that money to pay for a babysitter through sitters and just go out for the evening. Me and hubby didnt go out together for 4yrs after we had kids. No family help. Its shitty but hey ho.

A lot of people don't have help from mums. My mum and MIL live too far away to babysit. I have not been away for the night since my 2 year old was born. You just have to live with it sometimes.
Your OH however is someone that should be doing his fair share of child rearing and house work!

My other half is definitely the problem. I let him lay in until 10am yesterday, this woke the baby woke screaming because he was wet. Other half didn't even flich, I pushed him and he said you deal with him. Told him I think he is an utter pig. I don't even know if I have any love left for him

I'm sorry OP, your DP sounds lazy and useless. No wonder you've had PND - you've literally had no support. I've had counselling and GP appt recently and the first question they've both asked is about what support I have from family and friends.

I know you must feel very reliant on your DP given your current lack of support elsewhere. There IS help out there though I promise.

Please please make sure you don't get pregnant again right now, pregnancy with a toddler is no picnic even with a supportive partner. And obviously neither is having a toddler and newborn!

I think the reason you aren't getting much sympathy OP is that you seem to think all this help you arent getting is the norm. It just isnt...some people are lucky or make choices to live and be around people who are willing to help (free or paid).

I have two, aged 4 and 1. We had to move for work. There is noone (family/friends) within 150 miles. Since the first was born we've had two weekends to ourselves which took a lot of organising including saving for flights for a family member to come to us. It was booked only when childcare was in place. Otherwise nights out have changed into nice lunches when childcare can arranged, but still rare, like once a year.

But we don't complain, this is life with children. It's a new phase of your life. I think it's extremely hard when you have children young and you have higher expectations of your social life. We were late 30s and pretty much done with regular nights out, concerts etc. Are you and your partner really prepared to accept this stage? Equally?

The underlying issue from your post seems to be that you and your partner have not actually accepted what having children involves. Why are you thinking of having more?

Worringly you also seem to want childcare from someone you don't particularly like, someone who you aren't really representing as a particularly good parent. This, I find hard to understand. Is it just that its the done thing in your mind, grandparents minding grandchildren? Have you actually thought about your child in this? Even in a large family I have only one person I trust with my DC overnight, who loves them and gives them the care and attention I expect. I certainly wouldnt ask someone who didnt want to have them.

I think Aspergallus that one of the major issues in all of this is that the OP has DEPRESSION. Depression often makes a person think negatively about every aspect of their lives, feel stuck and find it difficult to think of positive solutions to that stuckness.

Often, when people say "we don't complain" it implies to me that having feelings about difficult life circumstances is not okay. This is very common in our culture now - we think having difficult feelings is NOT okay. Ironically, suppressing feelings that things aren't as they should be without awareness or just trudging on and not complaining/bringing a "stiff upper lip" to a situation tends to isolate people further and over time, can be a cause of conditions like depression.

It is okay to feel sad, lonely and without support in a situation where you feel sad, lonely and without support. The fact that other people who have similar challenges do not feel sad, lonely or depressed is neither here nor there. I imagine the late Princess Diana, with all her privileges externally, often felt sad, lonely and without support. A person's experience is their experience. As you have said yourself, the context the OP finds herself in is very different to the context those of us who have had children later in life usually do - and in any case, what happens in a person's heart is complex, and difficult to disentangle even with full knowledge of their life circumstances and histories.

I think the OP is just having a hard time in life and can't see any way out. It's not uncommon in situations like that to find it really hard to make moves forward. Every step feels like wading in treacle. sometimes.

Oh dear. I had a feeling this would happen hence why I posted up thread about you and your OH learning to parent together.

Currently you've shifted the blame for your situation from your DM to your OH. Now he might be a useless lazy lump or he may not have a clue how to be a good parent and/or partner.

But it's worth approaching this nicely to begin with so I'd tell him you've been thinking about the situation and you should split lie ins at the weekend and anything else that you would be helpful.

rookiemere
Well said

He IS lazy and useless. I think you'd be better off without him. All he does is create more work and resentment for you.

As far as him having had to care-take for his dad, I'm sorry, but we don't get to 'check out' of our responsibilities just because we think we've had it rough in the past. Life is what it is. He has no right to shirk his responsibilities (a responsibility of his own creating, you didn't get pregnant on your own!) simply because he thinks he's already 'done' his care-taking with his dad. It doesn't work that way. He has a child, that child is 50% his responsibility, dad or no dad. Does he think that if you'd had to care-take your mum that neither of you should care for your child? Does he think that those of us with two children shouldn't have to care for DC2 because we've 'already taken care' of our DC1?

Unfortunately, it sounds as if you have two people in your life that really don't give a shit and don't feel as if they need to contribute anything positive to you life. I'm really sorry you're in that position. But since they aren't, because you truly can't make them, and because you're going to need to take care of yourself and your child on your own I'd suggest that you are perfectly justified in telling them both to fuck off and devote the time you usually give to them to finding people who will contribute to your life in a positive way, instead of being a drain on you.

Everything is just getting worse 😢 my other half had a few drinks last night, he threw up early this morning so assumed he'd be fine to go to work, has gone to work and bloody crashed his car!! Just had the police on my door telling me! Told them I couldn't even go with them to the hospital as the car seat is in his car & I've no childcare!!I feel like ice taken a few steps forward and a hundre back!!😢

Slow clap to your horrid dp. Did he clear up his own sick? Or had he done too much caring sometime in the past so felt it wouldn't be fair if he had to do it himself?

Seriously, what use is he to you?

I find it bizarre that despite having such difficulties that you have not organised any contraception. It looks like you are a struggling so much with one child but then choosing to have unprotected sex over and over. No sympathy here whatsoever.

I am with the majority on this one, it is your responsibility. You chose to have a child. I had no help either, my mum is toxic, if someone doesn't want to help, it's their choice, they don't have to. You still have MIL who can help now and again, I didn't even have that. I certainly wouldn't have come on a forum and started complaining that I had no help because ultimately the responsibility lies with me.