AIBU regarding mum not helping more

[sellisx]

To start with, I don't have a great relationship with my mum as it is. I think she is narcissistic. But I want somebody else's view.

I have struggled through my pregnancy, it got worse giving birth. And even worse having a baby. I have no friends, not exaggerating, the last time I saw my only friend was a year ago. My mum knows this and still refuses to help. Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child.

I asked my mum, who has only had my child once over night. She asked when the bus leaves I told her it was 6am (the only early bus) and she goes "oh what, can't you get a later one being your staying over night" I said no, its already booked she asked when I was coming back, I told her 6pm the next night. she goes "oh brilliant so I'm literally having him for two nights. thanks for that"

This from the woman who swaned away on her 50th last year, leaving me with her bloody cat!

I realise my mum is not a babysitter, she doesn't have to look after him ever, but why won't she just love my son? Why is she punishing by having a baby? (she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

That's a great first step sellisx why the sad face?
You've taken positive action and have a driving lesson lined up for later this month.

It doesn't matter if you have to wait, get yourself booked in for a lesson! Driving instructors are popular people so it's important to get your name down :)

Get booked in!- will boost your independence immensely. Most instructors are quite flexible too with money and hours if you ask nicely, I could only do weekend so had 2-3 hour lessons and some 4 hour lessons to get it all done asap!

Your mother sounds like a right piece of work and I wouldn't do anything else for her in future since she's not prepared to return the favour for you. But I agree that you're getting angry with her when you should really be cross with your partner. With him you seem to accept any rubbish excuse for why he isn't more help to you. 'He was at work' is no reason not to take your miscarrying partner to hospital - any man in that situation should come home immediately. What does he do at weekends and evenings, doesn't he give you a break from doing the childcare then?

My boys are 13 and 10 and my DM has never had them overnight. Never offered.
The lack of help can make early motherhood boring and very lonely I agree. My answer was to go back to work part time. Is this an option? What were your plans before getting pregnant?

I agree, you sound very very low and lonely, it doesn't sound as though your partner is around much, I may be wrong though. I understand he works but what about weekends, does he give you a little break?

im sorry your mum is so shit at helping OP.

Id still go if I were you, but make a big fuss of your mum for babysitting. Tell her how wonderful she is, how much you appreciate the break, how much your baby loves his nana etc

Id also consider getting the 10 oclock bus and giving up the idea of shopping.

I also second sorting out more effective contraception. You're struggling with one child (unplanned) and the lack of help, finding things lonely etc, yet have had two more pregnancies since. Two. I just don't get it.

I absolutely don't think the OP sounds younger than her years.

I know we all have our struggles and there are people on a site of this size who will have endured unimaginable hardships in their lives I'm sure but I think when having a baby at 20 in a situation where you have little money, few options, limited social support and an unhelpful partner while grappling PND is actually hard all on its own and it's possible to have some kindness and compassion for the stuckness that the OP feels. It's not all about wanting a "social life" - things sound a bit bleak, I can hear the ennui in these posts.

No one always knows what to do or how to do it in every situation and it can be a relentless old slog.

You know, yes, there are many people who are worse off than the OP but it still sounds lonely and hard and I for one would be wishing I had a different mum who was more nurturing. I think that's understandable.

I wish you all the best OP. It sounds really positive that you are seeking driving tuition. The more contact you can have with positive people who give you a sense that you can come out the other side of this the better, too, so if you can find ways around your isolation you will start to feel a lot better. Have you tried to contact a PANDAS (post/antenatal depression support) group in your area? Many people find them helpful.

You really need to sort contraception out, pregnant within two months of meeting somebody and two miscarriages since. It's not just pregnancy but STDs you need to protect from.

Your OH also needs to stop thinking he's single and booking things that you can't or won't include your child in. Bemoaning the fact that you don't have childcare on tap is wrong, you two made the choice to become parents. Your mum got no say in it and clearly is trying to get you to step up. It's not her responsibility but yours.

Up your work hours, find a childminder and then you will have the time and money to be able to drive. You'll also have a backup should it all go pear shaped. Four hours won't cover your own costs much less a childs as well.

you're mum sounds selfish op

Not going to repeat what others have said.
Your reaction to having to wait 3 weeks for a driving lesson is interesting. Immediately you got despondent and discouraged. Learning to drive can take time. Do you have your provisional licence?
You need to accept things take time such as becoming a regular at playgroup.

I like what redskybynight says.

I think it's rather unfair to slate the mum entirely. There are two sides to every story and as this has gone on, the OP has other issues.

I think it's rather unfair to slate the mum entirely. There are two sides to every story and as this has gone on, the OP has other issues.

I agree

Agree with what expat says.

I intend to be a very hands on granny but in my head that's with me being retired and in good health and having a few years relaxing with DS having flown the nest.

If DS was to start a family in his teens whilst I was still working, it would be a very different matter and in all circumstances I wouldn't take kindly to people assuming I'd be available and booking things and then telling me what I'd be doing.

We're only getting one side of the story here and OP needs to focus on herself and her future. Her DM is what she is and can't be changed.

Well done ringing up 9 instructors if you have little confidence that's great achievement you should be proud of self. Have you already taking theory test? Could use the time to brush up?

You don't also have to be looking for strictly mother n baby groups try any groups that might in the day time. If there's keep fit groups open to all or walking around parks there is usual a good mix of older and younger people that you can start friendships with.

Really hope you see 2016 as really positive and things will only get better, but do check with GP re medication you have probable been on low dose to start off with.

3 weeks isn't so bad OP, it'll roll around in no time I recently started learning too and must admit I hadn't expected any real wait so I get why you might feel a bit
Think this is a massively positive step though and like a previous poster said, you can use the time to start thinking about your theory test. All the best to you!

Agree with the posters who advise not having any expectations of your mum. It's sad and must feel awful, but she can't change unless she wants to. At present I'd be frightened to leave a child with her because if she is resentful she could easily snap or be unpleasant.

3 weeks wait for your lessons is a good opportunity to do some work on the highway code and finding out about the theory test. Really glad you are thinking of driving - it made a big difference to me. I felt far less isolated and more in control of where we could go and what we could do.

As unconfident as you say you are, it's so important to try out parent and child groups because it really helps you feel less alone and gives your week a focus as well as providing a new experience for your little one

My dd has recently had her first baby and she has found the place where she goes to get dgd weighed, also runs a baby group, a baby massage course and a weaning course. She has only just started the last two courses and already has met one mum who has had similar problems with feeding as her dd, and who is also just about to start weaning. My dd sounds better for the contact already. These groups are obviously not relevant to your little one, but if there's a baby group, you will be able to find out from other parents, what else might be going on for toddlers in your area.

The big thing about boosting your confidence is the title of a very good book "Feel the Fear and do it anyhow" - the more you do something the more you find you can do it and that it gets easier. Tell yourself that no matter how people come across, there are a heck of a lot who are also not very confident and have had to psyche themselves up to walk into that room. Because that's so true. You all have things in common - your dc. And that really does bring people together to talk about things.

Im really sorry about your Mum but she sounds not a very good person to be around. You deserve to meet people who are far more friendly, supportive and good company. If you are feeling depressed still your GP is the first port of call. I had PND for ages and really wish I'd asked for more help from my GP.

I have a feeling you can achieve whatever you set your mind to, OP.

Think about where you want to be in ten years time and start off in that direction.

Lots of young mums go to college and pick their children up from nursery at the end of the day, you know. Your life isn't over. You need hope and a plan. And you need to accept that your mum isn't who you wish she was...and leave her to it, hard as it is.

Since u have no childcare u either hsve to pay for it and go away
OR
Take baby with you

Its sad ur mother wants nothing to dowith you or her grandchild. Id stay away from her dont rely on her.

tp be honest little babies 1 and under are easy to take on journeys. Wjy cantbaby go on bus? U can use car seat or sling if baby is tiny or light folding buggy if older.ive been whilst preganat and with 6 month old. The hassle was packing food and bsby supplies since i went for2 weeks. Ur going for 1 day should be easy peasey.

Even tho child is with u change of scenery makes u feelbetter and u eat out so you csn relax witg thecooking side and housekeeping side too.

I'd second Cattington's book recommendation. As a single parent with no family around, no confidence, no money, no job (or prospects of one), in a seeming happy family world it really turned my life around

Feel the Fear by Susan Jeffers

www.amazon.co.uk/Feel-Fear-Do-Anyway-Indecision-Confidence-Action/dp/0091907071/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1452019468&sr=8-1&keywords=feel+the+fear

It's hard not having that support there but think you OH should have thought that through before booking the holiday. Make sure you never look after her bloody cat again!

Oh dear, what a mess.

OP, book the driving lesson for three weeks. Have you got your provisional licence etc sorted? If not, do that today/tomorrow. Why can't your DP look after her in the evenings while you have lessons?

Your DS has two parents, TWO. Why is he so uninvolved? That is unacceptable. He needs to step up.

It may be that your mum knows you thought you'd have a baby even though you clearly weren't ready to (no job, no home, very new relationship with a clearly irresponsible man) and she's not going to pick up the pieces. This was your decision, your choice to have the baby. You can't decide to have a baby assuming your mum will do half the work. That needs to be YOUR PARTNER. He is 50% responsible. Not your mum.

Why are you not using contraception? Get that sorted, pronto. You seem determined to dwell and blame your mum for everything, but a lot of these are your choices.

Sorry, Giddy did you miss OP saying she had PND at present, yes? So getting despondent is, well, a symptom of a current medically diagnosed and treated condition, no? The important thing is the effort, it is normal to feel a down after you try something new or scary when suffering with depression and OP deserves encouragement. It is probably time to leave debating the OP aside.

Maybe the thread could be moved or you could start a new one to get support OP as it is unlikely ongoing discussion of you reasonableness will be very useful at this stage.