AIBU regarding mum not helping more

[sellisx]

To start with, I don't have a great relationship with my mum as it is. I think she is narcissistic. But I want somebody else's view.

I have struggled through my pregnancy, it got worse giving birth. And even worse having a baby. I have no friends, not exaggerating, the last time I saw my only friend was a year ago. My mum knows this and still refuses to help. Its my birthday on V day, as a treat my boyfriend booked for us to go away. He only told me last night and dread creeped in because we have nobody to have our child.

I asked my mum, who has only had my child once over night. She asked when the bus leaves I told her it was 6am (the only early bus) and she goes "oh what, can't you get a later one being your staying over night" I said no, its already booked she asked when I was coming back, I told her 6pm the next night. she goes "oh brilliant so I'm literally having him for two nights. thanks for that"

This from the woman who swaned away on her 50th last year, leaving me with her bloody cat!

I realise my mum is not a babysitter, she doesn't have to look after him ever, but why won't she just love my son? Why is she punishing by having a baby? (she told me having a baby was the worst mistake I could ever make, then kicked me out when I was pregnant)

I dot get why you've said you don't blame your other half for not letting you have a break? A break can just mean an hour to yourself in the bath with a book. You don't have to go out you just need some you time. I really think you need to speak to your GP or health visitor about your PND, you sound so very low, only you can make these changes. Goo luck with it all OP.

Do you ever go out with your DP and your DC as a family?

I don't blame OH for not letting me have a break at the weekend

What do you mean? Does your partner never look after his own son on his own?

My mum said that as she knew my life would be over in a sense, she knew I would be stuck a home with a baby not getting out to live. Well thats what I'm pressuming. I've always been the fuck up child so I think she was disappointed in me

Your mother sounds very negative, OP, and you seem to have internalised her negative view of life and yourself. Life is certainly not over when you have children and looking after a child should be fun, not a case of not living. With that view, it is even more understandable that she did not want to babysit, as she sees motherhood as a chore, rather than a joy.

IMHO you need to work on changing your way of viewing life. Most of us consider children a joy and a pleasure, with some hard work at times. Most people get on with their lives at the same time as raising their children. I studied when my dd was little, for example.

And we all find it hard to find friends we click with, but when you do, it will be wonderful.

Do you mind explaining what you mean when you say your partner 'not letting you have a break'?

Did you directly ask him and he said 'no' or did you just hint at the need to get out and he didn't pick up on it?

You need to report your dentist to the BDA, too, as you are supposed to have a responsible adult with you after sedation, otherwise you should not be allowed to leave.

As for your mother, maybe she resents you assuming her free time is yours to use for childcare as and when you want it. It's not nice to feel that a parent doesn't care about us or our children, but we cannot control their feelings or behaviour, only how we react to them.

Be cool and polite, and be busy, if your mother wants you to phone the garage, or walk to the shops, or feed her cat, and focus on your little family, instead. Be the mother you want to be, and give her the freedom to do the same, even if you don't agree with how she is.

You do need to get checked for depression, by the sounds of it, but you also need to stop blaming your mother for what you feel are her shortcomings, too, because I suspect you may not be the easiest daughter to have, either.

Take the good advice from pps, and find as many groups as you can to join, and maybe look into learning to drive, to get a little independence.

This time in your life will be over much quicker than you realise; how sad to have spent it resenting your mum instead of using it to enjoy your little boy's short childhood.

Take care.

He's had our son for a Max of 20 minutes on his own, while I cleaned the Windows. Apart from that he does no child care
I put the sad face because although Feb doesn't seem far away its long enough for me to get discouraged and back out
Spoke to the HV about baby groups & she's also going to put me in touch with a cpn because she can even see that I'm just low as fuck
The one time that my mum babysat I've always made sure to buy flowers and chocolate and say thank you for days on end afterwards. I try and show I don't take it for granted

Apart from that he does no child care - but why not? How have you ended up in this situation? Seriously, this Saturday you need to tell your partner that you are going for a walk/a coffee/to get your hair cut/to the library/to buy a pair of jeans and he will be with your child for 2 hours - or whatever. Then just let him get on with it! No wonder he booked a weekend away with no thought to who was going to look after your child - the child obviously doesn't figure on his radar at all!

Well done for contacting the driving schools and now speaking to the HV. See you already are making progress
It's scary at first, but hopefully you do start making friends at these groups.
Your mum doesn't sound very nice so you have to somehow accept that you can't depend on her for anythkng. In the same way you can't allow her to treat you badly.
Slow steps you will get there.

Your mother is not your servant.
You are not entitled to her work, though you seem to think you are.
Ask yourself not what you get out of being in contact with your mum, but what she gets from being in contact with you. Do you bring joy to her life?

I never understand why people have to put the boot in on here.
I don't think it's U to expect a bit of help from family, especially parents.
Yes, your OH should have sorted the child care out first but really, it's a month away, unless it's stopping your Mum going to work I don't see why you shouldn't ask.
I have our dgd overnight on a regular basis, it's lovely for all of us, why the fuck wouldn't you want to help out your kids now and then.

Ok, now I understand that. Can I ask another question? Why do you not ask him to do more? Or have you asked him and he either refuses flat out or makes excuses for why he can't?

Your partner needs to step up here.

"Your mother is not your servant.
You are not entitled to her work, though you seem to think you are.
Ask yourself not what you get out of being in contact with your mum, but what she gets from being in contact with you. Do you bring joy to her life?"

Christ. Really?
Woman has PND. Woman says I wish my mum would help a bit, I am feeling shit and lonely and isolated.

"Do you bring joy to her life?" - FFS. Honestly I can't come up with a better response than that. I'm flabberghasted at the meanness of it.

FFS. Honestly I can't come up with a better response than that. I'm flabberghasted at the meanness of it.

Yes, I think that timelytess wins the mean poster award. OP is depressed and can't count on her mother to help her out.

The partner certainly does sound like he needs to stand up but I still don't see why a Grandparent would not want to help out their adult child too.

Congratulations, OP. You are making great strides in helping yourself. I am always so impressed by posters who take what people are saying on board and start turning their lives around.

No wonder your feeling so lonely if your partner is acting like that. Think this is a whole other issue that needs resolving for you to get yourself happy again.

She gets a lot from being in contact with me, such as somebody to walk her to a supermarket and BUY food shopping for her, or phone the car garage and get her car booked in for a service, or phoning the vet's and booking her cat in to have its claws trimmed. I might not be able to run around at a moment's notice when her sky's broken, but that's because I was actually in bed, it was 10.30pm!

Booking an appointment with GP today to talk about medication, I'll get overwhelmed if I do too much on one day.
I have asked him to do more but he doesn't really seem to take it on board. Same with the housework, he last Hoovered in July :/ but he's been caring for his disabled dad since he was 15, so he wants to be a bit lazy now he's in his own house if that makes sense

so he wants to be a bit lazy now he's in his own house if that makes sense

He should have thought about that before he decided to have a child then (and apparently an intention to have more DC too).

You need to stop making this about your mum. This is about your DP. He HAS to step up and do half. He has a child. He is 50% responsible for that child. He can't just opt out of that, that is the most shocking thing about this thread. No wonder you are feeling low.

This isn't right OP, you can't be "lazy" when you have your own house and family, you can't just opt out, it's worrying you seem to think this is acceptable.

Could your mil have him the first day and then drop him off with your mum?

I have asked him to do more but he doesn't really seem to take it on board This is where you're going wrong.

Get a calendar - if you want free time to go and do something write it on the calendar. Ditto for your DP. If it's on the calendar the other half is booked in to be in charge of childcare.

I went blonde when DS was a baby just for 3 hours sitting reading magazines in the hairdressers every 6-8 weeks

My own DMum wasn't very interested in babysitting either and would complain about it. She is much better now she's retired but I now don't need a break as much as I did then. I was bitter about it at the time as other GPs seem to fight over who's going to babysit next BUT we survived. The survival was definitely down to team work between me and DH though. Small things like him doing the food shop on a Saturday morning with DS saved my sanity during the early days.

Your DH is not behaving acceptably - everyone needs a break, i second the advice - unless your DH is utterly incompetent, which you've not said he is, leave him with your DC this weekend for at least a few hours and go and do something you want - it's hard at first, but this is important to get better. I'm glad you're seeing the GP - that's great news, and good re the baby groups. Ignore every single unkind comment about your expectations re help from your mum. YANBU to expect a bit of help, but you need to focus on the person in your house that's not pulling his weight first, and your mental health.

I know it's a Mumsnet mantra to say that parents don't 'owe' childcare. But there is a huge difference between, say, demanding that parents look after a child for three days a week, and asking for a very, very occasional bit of support and help. I think it's reasonable for grandparents to refuse the former, but unsupportive of them to refuse the latter unless there is a good reason (e.g. ill health). I think the vast difference between those two things is often entirely lost in these threads, for reasons I don't really understand.

You're 20, you're looking after a baby, you're struggling, it's rough. I do a lot more for friends who are older than you and have far more resources to help them cope than she is doing for you. She does sound self-absorbed and narcissistic. I can only echo the good advice you've already been given about building up a mutually supportive network with other mothers, and trying to get your DH to help out a bit more.