Lending money to brother in law

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Brother in law is married but regularly asks dh (his brother) for loans on the quiet, asking that we don't tell my sil. The texts are pleading and using wording that will pull on dh's heartstrings.

Seems a strange marriage as sil inherited a lot of money and treats bil to lovely holidays etc but expects bil to pay some bills- but when he can't (work sporadic), he turns to dh. Dh told him we're happy to lend them money providing it's above board (ie she knows). He's now told bil it's me that feels we should only lend money with sil's knowledge.

Backstory is around 9 years ago, dh lent him an astronomical sum which he's never had back and written off. He also owed his sister money. Having said that, last time he borrowed money he paid back. Dh is making me feel like a bitch for saying no, but i'm just so sick of dh's kindness being abused.

G-d forbid, I think he'd rather fold the business.. bil is a liability

Could he give him something unimportant to do which can be done from bil's home (wherever that ends up being) and then pay him, say 150 a week?

Maybe some internet research into the background of biscuits, if the business were a bakery for instance; something related to the business but not important to it. Call it R&D.

I wouldn't have him anywhere near the business, partly because he sounds like a chaos magnet, and partly because it's perpetuating this idea that everyone else owes him a living/help/hand-outs? If he asked for a job, or came up with something he could do, then that's different.

Surely, if he's got professional qualifications, he's stood on his own two feet at some point in his life? Supporting family members through tough times is one thing, but letting a 50-something man control everyone around him with threats of chaos - like a giant toddler - doesn't do him any favours.

and if I'm honest helping bil wouldn't have any bearing on ours or our kid's futures.

Of course it has a bearing if BIL is asking for 2k ths weeks and how many more times this year/next year will he want 2k plus over the next few years before you know it it will be another 60k gone.

Jux I'm laughing at your post, needed a good laugh! Bil likes a nice biscuit.. No, even dh would draw the line at having bil having any association with his company. Bil has suggested it before.. NotNow, Chaos magnet is a lovely adjective for him. I haven't known him all his life, but even his own dm paints him as a nightmare; always has been. His mobile number changes regularly, for reasons we can't quite fathom..

he must have some redeeming qualities surely or the sil would never have agreed to get hitched?

Suzannecaravaggio, have a quick look on the relationships board and you will see endless examples of woman in relationships with men who have no redeeming qualities whatsoever and never did. Makes for depressing reading.

Now you've mentioned his phone number changing regularly I would suggest he's in trouble. Be it drugs/gambling/loanshark. He's best off coming clean about the extent of his debt and sorting it once and for all. You may find its more than £2k though, I would think £2k would be just to keep the wolf from the door as it were.

Does your dh own Harrods or something? Is he royalty?

Please don't say it makes no impact on your lives unless you have a functioning crystal ball. It's really tempting fate.

Apparently he used to be a babe magnet. I've been needing glasses for years though.. He's a friendly and affable person. But never, ever would I have been attracted to someone who wasn't too bright- I have no clue what she saw in him.

Fanny, I'll go with the loan shark theory- I'm getting depressed just thinking about it

the changing phone numbers thing might not be anything terrible, just that he regularly pisses people off and prefers to make himself hard to get hold off.

If he is in trouble with anyone 'serious' they'd just call round his house and break both his legs/prosecute him..wouldn't they?

someone who wasn't too bright

he's smart enough to get everyone dancing to his tune though, isnt he
'stupid like a fox' is the phrase that comes to mind

Suzannecaravaggio, have a quick look on the relationships board and you will see endless examples of woman in relationships with men who have no redeeming qualities whatsoever and never did

true Chinam I guess it's just a case of maintaining an illusion for long enough to get feet under the table

No Jux dh does not own Harrods, nor is he royalty, but we have allocated deposits / uni fees for the dcs so bil's handouts would not affect that- slightly off topic though

If I'm honest helping bil wouldn't have any bearing on ours or our kid's futures

Can I ask what makes you so confident? You may have "allocated" funds for the DCs, but do you imagine, even for an instant, that there's any limit at all to what BIL will demand if he thinks there's a chance of getting it? Granted the DCs' share might seem sacrosanct now, but what will DH do when his brother's stories get more and more hair-raising, or he claims that cash is the only thing between him and suicide?

Only glad that DH says he doesn't want him in the business - if he means it, of course. I've seen it done too often, and even with supposedly reliable family, the results can be appalling

If I'm honest helping bil wouldn't have any bearing on ours or our kid's futures

Really?

I can't imagine how much your DH must earn for you be so confident that it will have no bearing on your or your children's future.

To be honest it's not just bil, other members of dh's family often ask for help, and we've helped a close relative of mine (who didn't ask). It's bil's lies to us and sil that really rattled my cage

Letseatgrandma I'm hardly going to answer that am I, as I'm sure you wouldn't either. Everyone's situation's different, but I guess we all see our own lives as 'normal'.

So what are you going to do, op? You haven't said why you don't want to talk to your sil?

If we gave bil money I would have spoken to her this time. We're doing absolutely nothing.

I am wondering, if SiL were to have a thread on here, how it would read. And wondering if your BiL's marriage is effectively dependent on secret handouts from your dh, whether it really is a marriage worth having - for either of them.

If Sil doesn't know about the money over the years, then your dh has kind of been colluding in deceiving her about her marriage. If the penny is finally dropping on her side, I imagine she is going to be pretty hurt and angry?

I know there isn't much that can be one about what happened in the past, but I'm glad you're not allowing yourselves to be dragged into this deceit any further.

What a rotten situation for everyone.

If he does ask again, point out that it's not a loan if there is absolutely no intention of paying it back.

SouthWesterly there is sways the 'intention' of paying it back. Dee the occasional handouts are not frequent enough to support their holiday lifestyle, but I'm wondering if bil has run up huge debts trying to make sil believe he's contributing.

If they actually divorce, I will tell dh in no uncertain terms to let them both come to an agreement and sort out their own financial situation. It may not be 'fair' on sil sorting out his mess, but it's not for dh to pay his debts.

If they actually divorce, I will tell dh in no uncertain terms to let them ... sort out their own financial situation

Sounds very wise, and I only hope he listens

I believe you're almost certainly right about the "massive debts" - it would certainly explain the constant changes of phone number - and he'll no doubt have another batch of stories ready when servicing them becomes just too much; he won't give up his convenient cash cow easily ...

Gone v quiet bil's end.. hoping this isn't the lull before the storm