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Original poster

Lending money to brother in law

267 replies

HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 09:28

Brother in law is married but regularly asks dh (his brother) for loans on the quiet, asking that we don't tell my sil. The texts are pleading and using wording that will pull on dh's heartstrings.

Seems a strange marriage as sil inherited a lot of money and treats bil to lovely holidays etc but expects bil to pay some bills- but when he can't (work sporadic), he turns to dh. Dh told him we're happy to lend them money providing it's above board (ie she knows). He's now told bil it's me that feels we should only lend money with sil's knowledge.

Backstory is around 9 years ago, dh lent him an astronomical sum which he's never had back and written off. He also owed his sister money. Having said that, last time he borrowed money he paid back. Dh is making me feel like a bitch for saying no, but i'm just so sick of dh's kindness being abused.

OP posts:
Puzzledandpissedoff · 05/01/2016 23:28

Puzzled it's all just wrong. This latest request started at £500 but from one text to the next, inexplicably raised to £2k

Eh???!!! OP I'm really sorry but you're being played; your DH can choose either to stop or carry on until everything's gone, but he'll have to make a decision somehow - BIL isn't going to stop this while it's working

I also agree with Bono about this being a good opportunity to speak to SIL - after all she knows now, so how can BIL possibly object? Sound regretful while telling her you've had some major expenses so "can't give this latest amount on top of all the rest" and then leave them to it ...

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 05/01/2016 23:45

I can't Puzzled.. I can't do that to him, unless bil calls dh again tomo saying sil 100% knows- in which case I most certainly will. I won't let dh give him a penny more though. I'm sick to death of the whole thing. Thanks for all advice!x

OP posts:
Mrsbennington · 06/01/2016 00:01

You have a DH problem not a BIL problem. He is happy to use your joint family funds to enable his brother to the detriment of you (and your DC?).

Maybe your SIL is so 'tight' with the cash cos she knows what a waster she married and how fast he could piss away her inheritance and every thing else? Lucky she has a gullible member of the family to fund him for her.

Theworldmakesnosense · 06/01/2016 00:10

How much is he after now?

Piratespoo · 06/01/2016 08:21

I don't understand whi it is all so underhand. The fact that your dh and you go along with it without a frank meeting with all four of you, including your sil means you know it is all messed up. If THEY need the money, then meet with them both and help them out of a hole THEY are in. That is what family do. If HE needs the money because she is financially abusing him then help him get out of the marriage and take half the assets. If HE needs the money cos he is pissing his own money up the wall and she is in the dark then you are just enabling a very wrong set up that places you both at the bottom of the priority pile with your money being given out to piss takers!!!

Why are you putting up with it. This situation needs all four of you sitting down and spelling out clearly what the issue is. They have chosen to involve you in their money problems and you have a right to know what those money problems are in plain sight before you give them any more money!!!

VitaSackvileVest · 06/01/2016 09:37

Amount of money "needed" increases by 400%?? Shock

Agreed that BIL is playing your DH.

Posters who saying you are being mean are probably milking their relatives for money too.

suzannecaravaggio · 06/01/2016 09:56

Yep, the 'sharp' husband is being royally shafted by his bro

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 06/01/2016 11:03

No he's not Suzanne- not given him a penny. The truth is dh made a conscious decision to give him money in the past- he knew what he was doing and it makes no impact on our lives. That might be a questionable decision, but his decision nonetheless.

Pirates pop looks like it has come to a natural conclusion as dh had a call this morning saying sil wants to end their marriage. Taking it with a pinch of salt as have heard this before.

OP posts:
VitaSackvileVest · 06/01/2016 11:50

Good luck with it all - he'll be wanting money for a lawyer, deposit for a flat, spends etc.

suzannecaravaggio · 06/01/2016 12:03

More likely threatening to create misery and mayhem for the whole family if the husband doesn't hand over the readies PDQ

Aka holding them all to ransom

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 06/01/2016 12:06

Your right Vita. Dh will have to stick him in a flat which is fine but yes the requests will be never ending.

OP posts:
Unexpectedsocialist · 06/01/2016 12:13

Your right Vita. Dh will have to stick him in a flat which is fine but yes the requests will be never ending.

Just because he asks, doesn't mean he has to receive though. You can't give him any more money. Basically, I would follow the advice of Piratespoo I think it was.

However this plays out it can't continue, even if you can comfortably afford to keep doing this.

It's not right for BIL or your husband. Also, some family therapy might be worth considering.

AyeAmarok · 06/01/2016 12:14

Dh will have to stick him in a flat

No, BIL will need to sort himself out a flat, or a room in a flat, you know, like an adult would do.

This isn't your DH's problem to solve!

What sort of a middle-aged adult can't manage to find themselves somewhere to live?! If he hasn't a penny, he can get HB. Not. Your. DH's. Problem!

WhereYouLeftIt · 06/01/2016 12:21

"This isn't your DH's problem to solve!"

This, times a thousand.

suzannecaravaggio · 06/01/2016 12:28

The bil is now starting to resemble a tapeworm...

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 06/01/2016 12:31

Yes I KNOW you're all absolutely right. If I could transform dh into someone who didn't think it was his responsibility (it isn't) to look after his family then i would. But the constant stress of fighting against it and trying to change what seems instinctive to him- it's for me to decide if it's worth it.

OP posts:
suzannecaravaggio · 06/01/2016 12:35

You're caught between a rock and a hard place and no mistake!

Puzzledandpissedoff · 06/01/2016 12:35

Have you considered that the impending "divorce" is simply the latest ruse to stop you mentioning any of this to SIL? Most probably he remembered having said "she knows" and panicked about his lies to her being blown

What exactly is it that you want, OP, and how can we help you to get it?

expatinscotland · 06/01/2016 12:37

I would tell him that if he gives his brother more money we are through. And mean it.

expatinscotland · 06/01/2016 12:38

Your SIL had the measure of him long ago. He's a workshy, lazy, spendthrift cockwomble. I'm surprised she has put up with him this long.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 06/01/2016 13:30

Puzzled what I wanted was to know whether I was being a cow for having little sympathy for bil and wanting to end the handouts; I sure got my answer! Expat apart from dh's weakness when it comes to his family, I adore my husband as do my children, and I'm not going to leave him.

OP posts:
Clutterbugsmum · 06/01/2016 14:08

Could you ask your DH will feel if in the future you do not have the money for your retirement or even to help your children with university or first home because all your 'spare' money has gone to his brother.

RhiWrites · 06/01/2016 14:36

You should tell your SIL about the £60k. I'm astounded you can afford to just write it off and not even consider it relevant to their financial issues. She clearly had no idea how much you are subbing BIL.

Original poster
HormonalHeap · 06/01/2016 14:53

At the time (9 yrs ago) dh couldn't easily afford the large one as his business was going through a bad time. Things are different now and if I'm honest helping bil wouldn't have any bearing on ours or our kid's futures. But the reason I posted is that I'm sick of his kindness being taken advantage of. Thanks for all your views.

OP posts:
BarbaraofSeville · 06/01/2016 15:05

If your DH has his own business and wants to help BIL out, is there anyway that he could employ him?