to ask if you have a 'favourite' child?

[LittleLionMansMummy]

Weighing up the pros and cons of having another and this is really playing on my mind. If I could have ordered a child from a catalogue my 5yo ds would have been it. He's just fantastic. I know that other parents of PFBs must feel this way but i worry that i couldn't love another child as much as I love ds. So I wondered if I could have your honest opinions please - do you secretly have a favourite, or one that you connect with more? How do you feel about it?

reni2 I don't think that necessarily means that we're all deluding ourselves about whether or not we have a favourite. I think it's just as likely that some of us are wrong in thinking that our parents had a favourite.

I don't have a favourite (nor - to my knowledge - did my parents) but I know my kids don't always see it that way. Inevitably, I have to treat them differently because they're different people, at different stages of life. One responds to the carrot, the other to the stick (not literally, obvs!) There is no point in me trying to bribe good behaviour out of one, or threaten it out of the other. DD1 is three years older, so I expect more from her (though she also gets allowed to do more) but she thinks it's unfair and says so. I can easily see how she could interpret that sort of thing as me "preferring" DD2. Once fixed, that kind of idea is hard to shift and every small difference is perceived as "proof" of the preference.

So, hate to cause controversy, anyone else noticed how many people on here definitely DON'T have a favourite, but there parents definitely did and it was awful. Are they basing that on being a child (and seeing life through a child's eyes - even though they are now 40) or seeing it through an adult's eyes - or dare I mention it - a conversation with your parents?

It just seems odd to me that NO parent on here would EVER have a favourite - but all of those parents did. Maybe this really is a TRULY golden age of parenting.

Or maybe your parents loved you all equally and you need to let this shit go.

Oops - just noticed that SweetAdeline made the exact same point. Sorry!

I have four. My DD would say it is No. 2 she has always said this I don't know why but she didn't like him from the moment she was born...I'm not kidding. Cried her eyes out when he had his first cuddle! She is the only girl and the youngest so the boys would maybe say it was her.
It isn't any of them I love them all dearly. I have heard other people say that about their first born and they haven't had any more because they didn't know if they could love another one as much. Have you ever had a pet? Have you had more than one? Did you love the next one any differently?
Only you can decide but I have known some partners regret it.

In my parents' and grandparents' generation / circle of friends, they were often quite blatant about naming favourites - I think it was socially acceptable. Possibly encouraged?

Almost like each family should have a golden child.

Definitely not, and it is unfair to say that parents who don't have a favourite are lying.

Both my DC's are very different, but my love for them is unconditional so it's impossible to have a favourite based on who they are or what they've done. Maybe they may not always do things I like, and maybe they will annoy me at times, but there's never a shift in the amount of love I feel or favouring one over the other.

My parents had a favourite, and it wasn't me. They admitted it too (sibling is so much nicer than you, so much more successful than you etc). It's horrible. Generally it's a narcissistic trait to have a favourite, because that means the 'love' it conditional.

The only thing I will say, is that when pregnant with DC2 I just didn't know if I had more love to share, could I love them as much as DC1? But no worries there. It all changes when you hold them

Pregnant with DC3, and feeling the same! But know the love will be shared equally x

I'm an only child so I cant comment on my own parents but two of my now grown up children have often said the other one is MY favourite. I find this quite hurtful to hear. He is not my favourite and the conclusion I have come to is that he was always a very "easy" child. As an adult he is also very sensitive and considered, and therefore doesnt create as much conflict as the other two. They therefore never see me get cross with him.
I dont like his personality any more than I like theirs. It's just different.

I also asked my 13 year old if he ever felt favoured, or if he ever felt his sibling was favoured more, and he said definitely not. He said it always feels fair and always feels equal

LineyReborn - have you had that conversation with your parents? Are they open and honest about it?

I and my brothers always knew who the favourite was. My older brother thinks me, my younger brother thinks my older brother. But I know they were both equally loved as favourites and I wasn't - middle child and all. But I accepted it and got on with it.

Of course, I now know that wasn't true.

I honestly don't have a favourite out of my 4. I can't stand any of them!

Joking aside, my own mother had her favourites (1 from each set of DC she had with her 3 husbands). I was certainly the least favourite of all of them (she admitted that). It was really damaging and set me up for low self esteem for life it seems.

Anyway I just asked mine and they all said themselves .

I am simplifying their personalities massively here but my DS is nearly 4 and has an hourly tendency to behave like an arse. He is willful, stroppy and throws epic wobblies when you really need his cooperation. My DD is just over 1 and, generally is delightful, smiley, engaging, learning to talk really fast, easily distracted from tantrums. As you say, it's like I ordered her from a catalogue. I still don't have a favourite, despite and in spite of it all because they are both just too awesome. He is what he is, he will grow and mature but he is still mine and I know she will have her moments. I cannot imagine one without the other or liking one more than the other. Interestingly they both seem to be each other's favourite thing. So, given my experience, I think that if you have a second and even if they behave like an arse, you still won't have a favourite.

I have 4 although one is a small baby. I have different relationships with them all but can honestly say I don't have a favourite. They all have difficult phases but I think this is just a growing child thing.

They're just different people but all as precious. (Vom, you can tell they're all on good form today )

I was worried when pregnant with DS2 that although I knew I'd love him as much as DS1, it wouldn't be as much at the same time, because my love for DS1 just kept on growing IYSWIM?

So my love for DS1 at 6 months was less than my love for DS1 at 2 years, so therefore I would love DS2 less at 6 months than I would his older brother at the same time...

At first, I will admit I didn't bond as well with DS2 as I did with DS1 and neither did DH (poor baby). However, by the time he was 3 months old we suddenly looked at each other and said wow! we love them just the same. It hit us like a brick wall!

I don't have a favourite and I really do love them the same right now.

My parents didn't have a favourite either.

Just asked the older three who my favourite was, two said 'me' and the other said he didn't know.

I have 5 boys - all very different but some very similar if you see what I mean 2 are very like me in personality but that doesn't mean I favour then more!
I always tell them that my favourite is the boy standing in front of me/snuggled up beside me which of course changes all the time I genuinely don't have a favourite, they all have their own endearing qualities and that's what makes them all unique!

OP - before you had your pfb, I bet, when you got together with your dp/dh, you loved him passionately and couldn't believe you could love anyone else as much as this?
Then you had dc1, and found that it is perfectly possible to love 2 humans to infinity and beyond. Well, you'll find it the same with dc2 - your love grows, it doesn't have to be rationed out

I have 4. When they were younger, I had a favourite. He was (still is) most like me and I just felt a stronger connection with him. He was also, like your ds OP, a perfect child. I fought hard to hide the fact that he was my favourite. He and the other 2 older siblings all openly said that my youngest was my favourite, but in fact I was just protecting the youngest from the others. I guess I hid the fact that I favoured ds2 over the others pretty well, if they could say I favoured ds3.

Now they are all teenagers and not really troublesome in the way teenagers can be, but obviously less attractive in many ways than they once were. I genuinely do not have a favourite now. I feel most disconnected to my eldest, but he will always be special for being the one who was here first. Ds2, my old favourite, is politely but firmly cutting loose the apron strings. Dd, whom I found hard to love as a toddler, I then became very proud of, now less close to her, but again I know it is because she is cutting loose the apron strings. Ds3 is still my baby but he wants less and less to do with me.

In short, relationships are fluid. Those who say, jokingly, that their favourite is the one who is annoying them the least at any given moment, are actually closest to the truth.

Oh, and one last thing: the night I went into labour with ds2 - the child I went on to feel the strongest bond with - I cried for what I perceived as my betrayal of ds1. It is natural if you only have a PFB to think that you will never love another child as strongly. You will. Each child is your own, with their own good and bad points. Your angelic 5 year old won't stay that way forever either.

Mum of 3 and one on the way, I can honestly say I don't have a favourite. I love them all the same and they are all completely different. I have different levels of liking them at times but never less love for one than the others. I don't know any parents that favour one over another.

We only have one ds, and I know that if I had another, I would love them the same, but not necessarily like them the same. But to be honest, having one ds is wonderful. Life is so much easier than some of my friends who have 2 or more. It depends on the personality of your child now. DS has always been self contained.

However, I know what it is like to be the lesser favoured child. My mother has always had one favourite - my older brother. None of the other children come close. So yes, it is possible to have just one favourite and love one more than another.

As a child it was awful to see that he got music lessons, martial arts classes, new Nike trainers, expensive equipment. The rest of us got nothing - my mother 'invested' solely in her eldest son. My sister and I were girls and didn't count - we were simply expected to marry well. Younger brother suffered the most - he was by far the most neglected.

When I saw my older brother had all these privileges, I was disappointed when it was my turn. I wasn't allowed piano lessons or dance lessons. When I asked for a camera for a photography course, I wasn't allowed one. A year later, my older brother suddenly thought photography was a good idea - he got a new camera (top of the range no less) and a photography course courtesy of mother.

When my older brother studied medicine, my younger brother wasn't allowed to as they could only afford for one child to do medicine (this is overseas). It caused no end of emotional damage to my younger brother who ended up dropping out of university altogether as he hated his course.

When older brother got married, she got involved in the wedding details. When sister and I got married - we were given some money, but no help - we organised everything ourselves. Ironically -we both married where mother lived, whilst living hours away - still she was no help.

Older brother has now moved to Canada - and mother will go and spend 6 months of the year with him - to help with his 4 kids. Believe it or not, I have not seen my mother for three years or even my brother for 5 years.

She calls her eldest twice a week when not with him. My sister and I get a call maybe two or three times a year (birthday or christmas) Youngest brother, lives with her still, but he is considered 'the burden'. Whilst she remembers all my brother's children's birthdays, she has never remembered ds birthday or hasn't ever sent a present for birthday or christmas - and for the first three years, she had to be kept reminded what ds' name was.

I know it sounds like the worst dysfunctional family dynamics, but I do get on with mother and my brother. I just accept her for what she is. When you tell her, she just can't see it. She says she loves all of us but that her eldest 'needs' her more.

My other siblings and I just laugh about how now - almost 40 years later, she still favours him and clearly loves him more. Thankfully I do not need my mother or I would have gone crazy. Last time she visited me(three years ago), it was supposed to be for three months, she asked to change her ticket after two weeks as she was so bored. She stayed three weeks.

PS: sorry this turned out longer than I thought it would)

I have two. Very different and also quite similar, I love the both equally. What makes me really happy and really love them is how much they love each other, I get great pleasure from that. Even though they are different sexes and 20 and 16 one always camps out in the others room to be together on Christmas Eve night!

I suspect that what happens more often is that the last child is the one who is 'special' because there will be no more kicks when pregnant, first steps to be proud off, laughs to enjoy etc etc.

And there is what Alicadabra is mentioning, ie older children ressenting the fact that they have to do more than their younger siblings etc... (Probably worse if you have children very close in age or if the older one is 'mature and able' whenn the youngest is 'struggling with some issues, be it some SN, language issue or whatever).

However, this is about how the chil feels about it, not about how you will feel about another child.

As other pp said, love isn't finite. You will love that next child just as much as you love the one you have.

I love them both the same, although sometimes I might like one of them more than the other. One thing I did find was that my love for DC1 grew after DC1 was born. In the same way that I love DP a bit more from watching him be such a good father, I got to see new aspects of DC1 as she turned out to be an amazing sister, and she and DC2 get so much out of their relationship that I am so grateful that I was able to have a second child.

I don't have a favourite but I definitely prefer my son at the age he is now (5) to the age my daughter currently is (2.5) so if you asked if I had a favourite toddler I'd say her, and when she is his age who knows she could be a complete nightmare!

I don't have a favourite, I love them both to bits, but I feel like I bonded with my second born instantly whereas I didn't bond with my first born for a few months. I was too young when I had my first, so this could have been why. Both are happy and healthy and currently deciding whether to have baby number 3!!

I have two children and am pregnant with DC3. I think that children each have something about them that makes them special to you in a particular way. So for me, DD1 is my first child and made me a mother, so she'll always have that special feeling. DD2 has her father's eyes so every time I look at her I see him and that is a special thing that is (currently) all hers. I'm sure DC3 will have something like that too - possibly that he or she will be the last child I carry in my womb.

I can see how people might have favourite children, but I don't know how they can do it to their other children. Because, as previously mentioned, love isn't finite. We have an infinite capacity for love.

It's pretty exciting finding out your children's different personalities as they get older. I love seeing how my girls change and grow, and how their relationship with each other is developing and daily growing stronger.