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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you have a 'favourite' child?

189 replies

LittleLionMansMummy · 03/01/2016 14:47

Weighing up the pros and cons of having another and this is really playing on my mind. If I could have ordered a child from a catalogue my 5yo ds would have been it. He's just fantastic. I know that other parents of PFBs must feel this way but i worry that i couldn't love another child as much as I love ds. So I wondered if I could have your honest opinions please - do you secretly have a favourite, or one that you connect with more? How do you feel about it?

OP posts:
Fourormore · 03/01/2016 15:13

I don't have a favourite. I have a pre-teen with autism, one at primary school and a baby who has only just started sleeping through at 18 months. I love them all differently and am close to each of them for different reasons but I don't have a favourite. I'm pregnant with my fourth and I can't imagine loving this child as much as I love the three I have already given birth to. I know that will change the minute he/she is born though. The love doesn't halve when you have your second, it doubles.

GastonsPomPomWrath · 03/01/2016 15:14

I also have 5 and agree with everyone else.

Sometimes I don't like them and I'm sure they don't like me, but they all colour my little world differently and I love them all because of and despite of their differences.

zzzzz · 03/01/2016 15:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Pico2 · 03/01/2016 15:18

When I was pregnant with DD2 I worried about this. My DD1 is great and we'd had her 4.5 years longer, so a long time to get really attached. When she was dressed as a fairy one day she offered me one wish. I wished that our baby was just like her. She told me not to be silly and that we wanted the baby to be just like itself. That was very wise of her and DD2 is an absolute delight, but not a carbon copy of DD1.

YoureAllABunchOfBastards · 03/01/2016 15:18

Today my favourite is the cat. First thing in the morning it is DS1 as he has slept in his own bed, then DS2 looks cute and makes a bid for top spot.

TenTinyTadpoles · 03/01/2016 15:19

Yes, but it's not always the same child. Today it was DD this morning because she brought me a cup of tea, 5 minutes later it was DS because he offered to wash up after breakfast.

Theimpossiblegirl · 03/01/2016 15:19

I don't have a favourite but they would both argue that I have (and it is their sibling). They also claim to not have a favourite parent but I know it's me.

Seriously, I never regretted having my second child for a moment, even though I worried that I could not possibly love another baby as much as I loved DD1. Turns out I could, easily.

witsender · 03/01/2016 15:20

They're very different, but no, genuinely no favourite. I felt the same when pregnant with #2, in fact I cried most evenings in fear that I wouldn't love #2 as much, or it would change my relationship and feelings for #1 etc.

Bluetrews25 · 03/01/2016 15:20

Oh Pico how lovely!

Cornelialovett · 03/01/2016 15:22

If one is ill they are always my favourite at that time.
Long term though no all the same.

unlucky83 · 03/01/2016 15:23

I have two - DD1 is hard work, oppositional and always has been (has ADHD) and so I am aware than I am constantly having to have a go at over something...but still I make more allowances etc for her and she gets away with more than DD2. She doesn't think she does and says I don't like her as much as DD2 - DD2 is my favourite etc etc. She also takes up a lot more of my time - as I have to constantly organise her (I still do her school bag for her!) as well as attend hospital appts/talk to the school -and mend/replace things she has lost/broken...
DD2 (8) -always placid, well behaved, very organised -although has her moments nowadays - the most annoying thing she does (apart from talk about Minecraft!) is play up her role as the good one Hmm - usually when I am cross with DD1 -and even I don't like her when she does. She (probably rightly) complains that it isn't fair that DD1 doesn't have to do XYZ...still she is a hell of a lot easier to deal with ...she should be my favourite...
But as others have said - I don't actually have a favourite - they both drive me insane at times and at others make me laugh or fill my heart with love ...I wouldn't swap them for the world and I wouldn't choose not have either of them if I could go back and change things.

thegiddylimit · 03/01/2016 15:24

I've got three and while, like others, at times each of them can be bloody annoying and sometimes all three together, and at times they can be lovely.

They are so different and the family dynamics change as they grow as well so it's not a steady state thing who is the easiest. Some ages are much more annoying than others and some kids are great at one age but terrible at another. And who gets on best with which parent can change over time.

I would say if you worry about it then in reality there won't be a big issue.

Just make sure you think about treating them equally right into adulthood and as a grandparent don't offer free childcare/accommodation/car to one child and not another because it can still hurt as an adult if you can see your parent prefers your sibling.

steppemum · 03/01/2016 15:26

I have an only and I fear if I had another I'd have a favourite. Every parent I know has a favourite, whether they admit to it or not.

This is a totally stupid statement coming form a parent of one child Hmm. Based on what? Your observation?

I have 3. As others have said, all different. One appears to be much 'easier' than the other 2 most of the time as she does the cute and charming thing. But I know she is an absolute madam when she doesn't get her own way at home.

ds is very confrontational, and at times really hard work. So from the outside a 'difficult' child. But I see such depths of passion and personality in him, and see it as my job to steer him through until he grows into himself. At 13 he is starting to do that and is very funny and lovely to be with in the glimpses between the teenage hormonal stuff.

I love them all totally. I like spending time with each of them on their own. I cannot imagine a life where one of them isn't.

So, no, no favourites.

Dipankrispaneven · 03/01/2016 15:32

I thought DS1 was absolutely fantastic and I doubted that I would feel the rush of love for a second baby that I'd had for him. He was 5 when I had DD, and I discovered that that capacity for love just expanded. I now have three, and I love them all to bits.

ItsANewDayToday · 03/01/2016 15:32

My 4 are all my favourite. Smile Some are more likeable at times but I genuinely love them equally. I'm slightly surprised but pleased. I hang out with my DD a fair bit more than my DS's but it doesn't mean that I favour them over the boys. It's just that my boys don't have as many shared interests with me. officially, my favourite child is which ever one has last made me a cup of tea. It's a nice transparent way of dealing with favourite child angst.

Youarentkiddingme · 03/01/2016 15:32

I just have 1. And when he's being and arse and I don't want to speak to him I often wish I had another who wasn't pissing me off to talk too Grin

ghostyslovesheep · 03/01/2016 15:34

My favourite is the one who's not pissing me off at any given time

this! -

also not sure where the idea that 'every parent ...has a favourite' comes from

I have 3 - I love them all to bits - 1 and 3 have slightly confrontational personalities - 2 is much more laid back and funny (although anxious) - so my relationship with 2 is easier but I wouldn't says she my favourite - sometimes she drives me mad and sometimes I get on better with 1 or 3!

BertrandRussell · 03/01/2016 15:37

Mine are both my favorites. As I tell them on a regular basis. Grin

But I do remember that how could I possibly love another one like I love this one feeling when I only had one.

The human heart is infinitely expandable.

BackInTheRealWorld · 03/01/2016 15:38

I have two. One who is very hard work and one who is a joy to be around. The one that is hard work makes me so heartswellingly proud of all that he has achieved despite his difficulties and the love I have for him is overpowering not least because I have had to fight so hard to get him the help he needed. He is different he is challenging he is unique he is funny he is charming he is wonderful in his own special way. Having him gave me a reason to exist, nothing made sense until that point. I truly believe he saved my life.
The one that is a joy to be around gets me through the tough times with her happy ways and enthusiasm for life. I am grateful every day to be able to do all the things with her that most parents take for granted but I wasn't able to with my son. She lifts my day every day. She is easier to love I suppose but that doesn't mean I love her more.
I dunno if that sounds like I have a favourite, I don't think I do.

LillianGish · 03/01/2016 15:40

When you have one you can't imagine how you could ever love another one as much, when you have another one you begin to understand why some people just carry one having more and more children. It's a bit like the way you can't imagine how much you will love your own child until you actually have a child of your own.

spillyobeans · 03/01/2016 15:44

Pico - what your dd said is so loveley!

needastrongone · 03/01/2016 15:46

DMIL (who has 4) always says her favourite is the one that needs her the most at that time.

Given they are all in their 40's (and beyond), there has been times where she's had to invest her love and energy into that child, more than the others.

Although, she always favours me over DH, much to his disgust Smile

I have a very close affinity with DD, but love DS just as much. They are different and interesting and funny and annoying.

However, I come from a family where DB1 was and is very much the favourite. It hurts and it has caused me an awful lot of bitterness and pain as it was so overt). With hindsight (and tolerance/wisdom of age to some degree on my part), it's clear he is on the spectrum (never diagnosed), so while myself and DB2 were independent and able to get through life with minimal input (good job), he 'needed' more.

teeththief · 03/01/2016 15:47

I love mine equally. But I couldn't imagine loving DC2 as much as DC1 when pregnant. DC2 was also a hard baby so I did favour DC1 for a while. Definitely no favourite now though. They're both great kids and I love them for their differing personalities and traits

ExBallerina · 03/01/2016 15:52

I've never made anyone pissed off on here until today!

Yep, it's based on my observation. Of people I know. Not you.

Cheers, steppemum! Wine

TheSnowFairy · 03/01/2016 15:56

Love what pp said, the love doesn't halve, it doubles.

This exactly.

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