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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you have a 'favourite' child?

189 replies

LittleLionMansMummy · 03/01/2016 14:47

Weighing up the pros and cons of having another and this is really playing on my mind. If I could have ordered a child from a catalogue my 5yo ds would have been it. He's just fantastic. I know that other parents of PFBs must feel this way but i worry that i couldn't love another child as much as I love ds. So I wondered if I could have your honest opinions please - do you secretly have a favourite, or one that you connect with more? How do you feel about it?

OP posts:
ilovesthediff · 03/01/2016 22:15

I didn't think I could love a second as much as the first but I do and the love feels different too. So equally, differently. But no favourite. It's honestly amazing how you can't pie chart love.

WhenTheDragonsCame · 03/01/2016 22:43

I have 3 DDs (14, 7 and 5) and do feel I favour the younger 2 as DD1 can be hard work at times (lying, stealing, general attitude) but then she doesn't come home on time and I feel a real panic. Just because I don't always like the things she does doesn't mean I don't love her as much.

JennaRoss · 03/01/2016 22:52

After 6 years of DS being an only I thought I could never love a second child equally, and he would always be the special one.

He is still special to me, but so is DD - I truly love them equally and don't have a favourite. They are so different but so mind-blowingly lovely, I couldn't love either of them more.

I have a different relationship with them - DS is on the verge of adult-hood, but has LDs so I am more protective over him than DD who is about to become a teenager.

Topseyt · 03/01/2016 23:18

I have three DDs. All as different as chalk and cheese.

I relate to them all differently, and love them all massively. No favourites and I am determined to keep it that way.

I've seen the effects that a parent having a favourite can have (not my own parents). That is enough for me.

ButImNotTheOnlyOne · 03/01/2016 23:26

Of course not. Love the bones of them both.

I actually think you're a bit of a shit parent if you do

Dontneedausername · 03/01/2016 23:37

I do, usually whichever is being nicer to me!
But in all seriousness, I love and adore them both equally.
But ask me again in 10 years when they are teens....

CharmingChampignon · 03/01/2016 23:56

I really, really don't. And my parents never showed/show it if they do - but I genuinely think they don't.

I love both dcs fiercely and passionately. They're completely different and I appreciate their differences too. Am pg with dc3 and have that anxiety of wondering if I could possibly love them the way I do the others but also know I felt like that about dc2 and can't imagine life not knowing her now.

StillMedusa · 03/01/2016 23:57

I have four...now aged 18-23.
At different times I have LIKED them differently. DD1 (eldest) was very difficult as a child.. stroppy, bloody minded and we clashed. Now she is a fabulous adult and I couldn't be closer to her.
The others were easier kids... then DS1 hit his teens and was an absolute SHITE for about 5 years! Awful. I remember saying he would have to leave home at 18 because i couldn't stand the stress (lies, stealing, smashing walls).

Now at 22 he is lovely (and still at home)... and of all my children he is the one who needs his Mum the most. My other two need me in different ways. I love them all equally but they need me differently because they are individuals. DS1 claims he is my favourite to wind his brother and sisters up, but no one is my favourite.. they are my children, loved equally, but I parent them according to their personalities and needs.

And I tell then that Morpheus was my favourite. He was my beloved Maine coon cat who adored me, and never gave me any trouble :D

One of the best things about having a larger family is that you get to see how you may provide the genes but the children are all SO different..and fabulously so!

MizK · 04/01/2016 00:03

Nope. 3 DC and they are all my favourite. I think people close to us have suspected one of my DC was my favourite in the past but this particular child was facing a lot of challenges and I went through a phase of feeling unusually protective over them (sorry for bad grammar but don't want to be gender specific!)

So, whilst I understand differing levels of closeness or getting on better with one of the DC, I genuinely cannot imagine loving one best. I love them all equally and feel quite sad for families where this is not the case. I suppose it's not something that can be helped?

mumthetaxidriver · 04/01/2016 00:03

My PFB is 18 today and I am so proud of the lovely young man he has become. I will be equally gushing about DS2 when he is 18 in 18 months time. They have frustrated me and driven me mad in equal amounts over the years - favourites change on a daily basis!!

missingmumxox · 04/01/2016 00:04

Yes, neither of mine, it's a cute kid I see down the round never seems to misbehave Grin
But no really it is so different and yet so the same my love for my two, and at times it is so much I want to burst, I sometime think I need more so I don't stifle them with my love.

Good luck

Summeblaze · 04/01/2016 00:39

I have 3 and the same as everyone else, I love them all equally but for different things and at different times.

My DD (11) is so much like me it's scary. We like the same films, music, books, hobbies and she is my only girl which means I understand the changes she's going through etc. However, she is also a bundle of hormones and at times is a right nightmare. We often have slammed doors and how much she hates me.

My DS1 (8) has SN. My DH jokes that he is my favourite but as a pp said about her DB, it is because I need to help him more than I should an 8 yo, guide him more, explain things more and the pride I feel when he does something I never thought he would do is immense. However, because of his SN, he is harder work and sometimes he drives me mad.

DS2 (3) is so cute as he is at my favourite age of child and loves cuddling. However, he is 3 and capable of many tantrums and his favourite word at he minute is poo poo head. Some days, we spend a lot of time at the naughty corner.

I like the one who is behaving at the time. I can't see how you can love one of your own child less on a regular basis. I am currently ttc #4. And I know I will love/like/dislike them the same but different too.

sleeponeday · 04/01/2016 00:46

I was really scared I would have a favourite, and really scared that having a second would dilute or weaken the closeness between DS and I.

I couldn't begin to have a favourite. They are such completely different people and the relationship I have with each so unique. I can't really explain it, it's like asking whether ballet or a sunset are more like a dolphin. I can't begin to weigh up quantity of love, because I just love each, individually, to the absolute maximum capacity I have. In their own way.

So no. No favourite. They are both all I could want in being who they are.

Original poster
LittleLionMansMummy · 04/01/2016 13:07

Thanks everyone for your thoughts! I loved the description that love isn't finite, therefore it doesn't halve but doubles with another. I suppose everything has just been so 'special' with ds as everything I've discovered with him has been for the first time - his kicks when I was pregnant, his birth, feeding him him, his first smile etc. He's actually my polar opposite in terms of personality, which I love.

I suppose 'favourite' is the wrong description (and I totally understand that when this is conveyed to children it's extremely damaging) but is the relationship with the eldest child a bit special because they were the first? Are you more connected in that way? I've loved spending all my time on ds for 5 years but now he's more independent it seems like a good time for another.

OP posts:
SweetAdeline · 04/01/2016 13:17

reni or they could be wrong that their parents had a favourite. I expect if you ask the children in a family (even as adults) they will say favouritism exists and the parents will say it does not.

reni2 · 04/01/2016 13:37

True, SweetAdeline, and a good reminder to all of us to explain different treatment to children. "Jimmy is so much younger than you so needs more of my help, I am proud how much you can already do"/ "You are a very good brother to Amy, it must be hard sometimes to have less time with daddy, but her cerebral palsy means she needs a lot of our time" or whatever it is that could appear like favouritism.

NotSittingRight · 04/01/2016 13:52

I have two children and find the 5 year old is the one I am closest to. The 2 year old is very demanding and I remember feeling as desperately frustrated with my 5 year old when he was he was only 2 years old. So I think it's the age I prefer rather than the child.

However I am sometimes scared that it might be a personality thing and I really hope not. It's just that I feel more of a connection with my older child than the younger, so it's easy to feel a bit guilty about it.
I love and protect them both fiercely, it's just one shares more of a connection than the other and I work hard to make sure I am completely fair as I feel strongly about that.

Bumpsadaisie · 04/01/2016 14:33

Its a bit like saying do you love your mum or your DP best (assuming you have good relations with them of course, not everyone does!)

My eldest (6) is easier as she is older, has a more easygoing personality and so on. She is quite independent. She is emotionally quite private. And she doesn't have a "driven" bone in her body and instead is very creative and quirky - which means she never howls if she loses a game or is not good at something, but likewise on the flip side she is very daydreamy in the mornings etc when we're rushing!

My youngest (4) is usually harder work as he is only just 4, is still learning to handle his feelings, has a lot of energy and oomph, and an "alpha" personality which means he is desperate to win and to set the general agenda ALL the time. He will never "just let it go" as his sister would, so there is a lot of negotiating and trying to help him manage the strong feelings he has when something doesn't go his way. That said he is incredibly cute and emotionally is far more upfront than his sister - if he is upset you know why and if he feels loving and happy he lets you know about it abundantly with hugs and I love you's! He is also very focussed - so in the mornings, even though he is two years younger than his sister, you can tell him to brush teeth and get his underwear on and he usually does it without getting distracted!

I love them both to bits!

BabyBrownEyes · 04/01/2016 15:04

My favourite changes by the hour...seriously, whichever is less annoying at any given point. I remember the exact same way & personally I think it's a good sign. Shows you're not taking the decision lightly. I have a boy & a girl 2 yes apart and both are very different I wouldn't change either of them for anything. Love them both with every beat of my heart - they're both truly perfect x

triceratops1066 · 04/01/2016 15:26

I think two is fine but three its easier to end up with one who is a favourite or one who is "a problem"

Tessabelle74 · 04/01/2016 15:27

I have three (just found out I'm expecting number 4) and I genuinely don't have a favourite. There are 19 months between the eldest 2 and I was worried I couldn't love another child as much or as soon as that but I truly believe love doesn't half, it doubles with each child ☺

Ginslinger · 04/01/2016 15:29

I don't have a favourite but DD and I probably have conversations that are closer than the ones I have with the DSs. Sometimes I'm sure that my sister has a favourite and it's been commented on by other people in the family although not by her own children.

peggyundercrackers · 04/01/2016 15:29

Yes I have a favourite child - all parents do really, some just don't lie, to admit it :).

As a child I had a favourite parent, still do...

Welshwabbit · 04/01/2016 15:29

I remember crying to my husband shortly before my second son was born because I didn't think I could possibly love him as much as I loved my first. I was wrong. They are only little at the moment, but the idea of having a favourite is inconceivable to me now.

Mrsleighdelamare · 04/01/2016 15:30

Definitely no favourite here. However, it is complex and I love them because of their very different personalities. DD is lovely company, funny, clever but heading for puberty, we're already getting glimpses of the teenage moods.

DS1 is far more complex and has always been harder work and isn't very affectionate but despite the moodiness is kind, caring and fearless.

DS2 is by far the easiest if maybe definitely slightly spoiled and I love him for being funny, and chilled out and easy going.

That said, there are times when one or two of them will be VERY much more likeable than the others.