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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to ask if you have a 'favourite' child?

189 replies

LittleLionMansMummy · 03/01/2016 14:47

Weighing up the pros and cons of having another and this is really playing on my mind. If I could have ordered a child from a catalogue my 5yo ds would have been it. He's just fantastic. I know that other parents of PFBs must feel this way but i worry that i couldn't love another child as much as I love ds. So I wondered if I could have your honest opinions please - do you secretly have a favourite, or one that you connect with more? How do you feel about it?

OP posts:
SpecialistSnowflake · 04/01/2016 16:27

Hmm, the love doesn't always double. It should, but it doesn't always.

My DM preferred my DBs, it was quite blatant. She only makes an effort with me now because I have disposable income and time to spend with her, and she realized she was in danger of killing the golden goose...

One of my friends prefers her DD from her new marriage. Her older DD has almost gone NC because she's sick of hearing how much better/quicker/easier everything is with her little DSis.

And I used to watch some 'family vloggers' on YT wit this issue. They have a girl, and a younger boy, and the DW overtly favours her DS in every way (and it was made obvious right from the gender reveal scan). I felt so sorry for the little girl - and quite triggered too tbh - I had to stop watching.

grumpysquash2 · 04/01/2016 16:29

I have 3 DC and definitely don't have a favourite.

My PIL, on the other hand, are more than happy to sit in our house and rank the children in order of preference Shock

I wish they wouldn't. It's bad wherever you are in that list.

storybrook · 04/01/2016 16:32

I felt the same when I had a surprise pregnancy with my second, my ds is everything to me, and now so is my dd. as a lot of pps mine are polar opposites and I find each challenging at different points of every day but I wouldn't change anything, they're both my best little people and love just grows. They are each other's favourite a lot of the time, I couldn't pick a favourite honestly.

Unexpectedsocialist · 04/01/2016 16:34

So were the generation before us more honest, or worse parents?

Or to put it another way, are we less honest or better parents?

teatowel · 04/01/2016 16:36

I sometimes think of the book Sophie's Choice- when she had to decide which of her children to sacrifice in a concentration camp- and then I relate it to my children. I can only think about it for about 10 seconds because it is so horrendous as to be unthinkable. I know I love them all equally but when they were younger there were times when I liked one less than the others. It changed regularly which one.

madmotherof2 · 04/01/2016 16:41

I have 2 boys, aged 7 and 12. I don't favour either, I have a strong bond with my eldest, he's from a previous relationship so for a while it was just the two of us against the world. I'm very protective of him, he's probably my best friend as well as my Son.

My youngest is a little monkey, but by far the easiest to parent out of the two boys. DS1 is very strong willed and independant and will always argue his point... Confused, whereas DS2 knows when he's wrong and will accept punishment, making him easier to deal with IYSWIM

Branleuse · 04/01/2016 16:42

i think this is a really horrible question to ask parents. If anything happened to any one of any of our children, noones going to be thinking "well at least it wasnt so&so" Love doesnt usually work like that

HPsauciness · 04/01/2016 16:46

I'm not quite sure why it is better to like one child more than the other, rather than love one child more than the other. I'm pretty sure that if one of my children found out I liked the other one more at the moment, they would be devastated. For children, being liked and being loved are very close, and not these very distinct things that everyone seems to suggest on this thread, at least, from a child's perspective, being disliked is deeply unpleasant.

tobee · 04/01/2016 16:54

Just guessing here, but maybe it's not a question of one generation being more honest. Maybe it's that our generation tend to be a lot closer/involved with our children in so many ways. There are so many more books, surveys, conversations, about child rearing and talking about emotions. Also, generation by generation we are getting further away from Victorian values about children, when people had different concepts about what children were for and they tended to come along and exist due to the lack of contraception and healthcare. My grandmother, born at the beginning of the last century, was one of 11 children in a house with an unemployed dad. At least two of her siblings died as infants. I would imagine that would change the entire way you felt about your family.

LineyReborn · 04/01/2016 17:01

UnexpectedSocialist I honestly don't know the answer to that, but lexlee's story strikes a chord. I'm from a background where I think it was just expected that the eldest son would be golden child. But whether that translated into being both parents' 'favourite' I don't know.

NameChanger22 · 04/01/2016 17:02

My parents had a favourite, it was very extreme and it has devastated the family and my life.

If there are families pretending not to have a favourite then that is worse than just being honest and trying to do something about it.

Skzr1214 · 04/01/2016 17:07

I used to think the same way that I could not love another baby more than the first. Then came the second and i could not possibly imagine it but I am head over heels with him. They are fascinating in different ways and surprises come my way every other day. Lol. I wish I could have one more baby if my health allowed it . :(

JasperDamerel · 04/01/2016 17:09

The like/love difference is that the liking is a fleeting thing that changes from minute to minute. If I consistently liked one child more than another, that would be a problem. But if one of them is drawing a picture of a mummy dinosaur rescuing her baby from a volcano and the other one is shouting that they hate me and I'm the most horrible person in the world and having to tidy your bedroom is worse than dying, then at that particular moment I will like the one who isn't shouting at me just a little bit more.

litlest1 · 04/01/2016 17:47

I think everyone worries about this, but try to remember that the love doesn't run out. You grow more for the next one.

Jw35 · 04/01/2016 19:05

Nobody loves each of my two children as much as I do. Both of them. When my youngest was born last year the eldest was 11. I thought I was favouring the baby in my mind because I was all maternal and emotional and the 11 year old was more independent. Then the 11 yo was 15 mins late home from school one day (she was catching the bus) and I went to pieces! I thought if anything happened to her my life would be over. I felt the love so strong and imagining her sad or hurt made me a total wreck. The bus was just late and she strolled in like nothing happened! I love them both, no favourite! Due a 3rd in the summer and can't wait to have more sunshine in my life Smile

BreakWindandFire · 04/01/2016 19:21

My mother had a favourite, and it certainly wasn't me. It was extremely damaging.

I've deliberately chosen to ensure that DS is an only child. I decided that before I even got pregnant. In the end I had PND, physical ill health and trouble bonding. This confirmed my decision as I feared that a subsequent 'good' pregnancy and birth would end up with me favouring DC2.

iMogster · 04/01/2016 19:31

When you have your first, you love them with your whole heart and can't imagine sharing that love out. When you have your second, you love them both with your whole heart.
I have no favourite.

Purplehonesty · 04/01/2016 19:33

I have a favourite! It's dd. She is sweet and cuddly and hardly any trouble.
Ds is noisy and loud and argues and never listens or does what he is told.
I still love him more than life itself but dd is my favourite.
That's awful isn't it.

Ellieboolou27 · 04/01/2016 19:39

Ooooh I could have written that post 5 months ago when I was about to give birth to my second (she's now 4 months) I felt resentful at the thought of sharing my time with pfb until........ She arrived, 6 weeks of hell but now totally and utterly in love (helps that she slept through from 9 weeks)! To be fair I now feel resentful that I don't get enough time with my second. It's hard work and the first few weeks I thought I'd made the biggest mistake of my like, thankful to say I am so happy to have two healthy happy girls, good luck!

Jw35 · 04/01/2016 20:20

breakwind that's a big hang up! Sorry about the pnd Thanks your mum favouring one doesn't mean you will! Have another baby if deep down you'd like another, definitely don't have an only child out of fear of things going wrong. As your mum made you feel that way it just won't happen to your kids! X

Tamponlady · 04/01/2016 20:30

I love my children both however I have more in common with my daughter she enjoys shopping , going for lunch and she loves crafting

Cookingwine · 04/01/2016 22:53

Middle child was our least favourite for a while as she was so hard work compared to her easy and smiling and rewarding siblings. Turned out she has autism and since we found out we are in awe about her incredible resilience and determination in face of such a confusing and threatening world. We have finally understood how she "works" and stopped pressing her buttons and she is the most lovely little girl ever. It was really difficult in the beginning because we thought we had a least favourite and felt terrible about it. Now I can genuinely say that we don't have a favourite, but bonding with middle DD took a while.

thugmansion · 04/01/2016 22:56

Yes I have a favourite child - all parents do really, some just don't lie, to admit it smile.

As a child I had a favourite parent, still do...

This :)

BackforGood · 04/01/2016 23:10

Absolute rot thugmansion, and whoever you quoted it from.

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 04/01/2016 23:24

Love it when people claim to know my own mind and affections better than I do Grin