Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 16 17

Original poster

Friend being a dick about my DD's birthday

403 replies

DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 19:58

Am I being all pfb?
Known a couple for 15 years - we're all close, went to uni together, see each other loads as a four, they live 5 mins away.
We have a DD who turns one next week.
They're planning a family but both of them have hectic social lives and on NYE said that they can't bring themselves to ttc as they'd miss their independence but will have kids at some point. have mentioned this to avoid backlash of 'maybe they're having fertility issues', they're not
Since DD was born we have seen them a lot less for obvious reasons. We often invite for dinner at our house or have met individually - so I'd do lunch with the wife and DH might play squash with the husband, but they're really not child friendly- on the few occasions my DD has been there, the husband has completely ignored her existence and the wife has done some obligatory cooing but obviously isn't that bothered. This is fine with us - we get that pre kids, life is about drinking, lie ins and nice holidays and we definitely don't expect our DD to be centre of attention.

So..next weekend were having a really low key tea and cakes birthday thing at our house.
I just made a whatsapp group and added the couple and said 'no offense will be taken if you'd rather not but you're welcome to pop in for a cuppa and cake at any point. I honestly do not mind if you don't fancy it'
The husband replied 'this sounds shit' and then I got notification that 'husband has left group'

Now, I get they're not into kids but AIBU to be miffed at his rudeness? Half of me thinks it's funny- we have a very banterful relationship and it could be just that but ffs, he could have just said he was busy or ignored it??

OP posts:

HesterShaw · 02/01/2016 20:43

Oh that's a thought. Maybe he meant for that to be seen only by his wife, realised his error, and left the group in total mortification, knowing he will never see you again after his rudeness?

TeaPleaseLouise · 02/01/2016 20:43

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 20:44

It's mainly for family and then we thought we'd invite our best mates - the husband was my DH's best man and then my best mate. We haven't invited scores of friends as we know most would find it a chore plus we have largish families...

OP posts:

JesusInTheCabbageVan · 02/01/2016 20:44

I'm leaning towards Jacksterbear's theory.

eastwest · 02/01/2016 20:45

That is a rude response. But I've had friends be similarly rude to me (well, one friend in particular - no fertility issues) about similar things. Some people just go very weird when their friends have children. I think there's a self-protection element to it; they know they don't want kids/ it isn't practical yet/ whatever but they also kind of maybe do/ want them in the future/ whatever and so they have to almost over-act their hatred of all things child-related so as not to allow those broody feelings in. At any rate I'm sure this is the case with my friend.
And sometimes it just freaks people out to see how much children can change your life. It can be scary when your friends start having children. Not excusing him but maybe that's why.
bottom line is if they're going to stay your friends they have to realise, and deal with the fact, that your relationship with your child is now more important to you than your relationship with them is. Another threatening thing to deal with for them.

PeachPantaloons · 02/01/2016 20:45

Rude rude rude. He definitely shouldn't have responded to the invite like that!

Sandyclaus · 02/01/2016 20:46

Your invite was perfectly reasonable. His response was appallingly rude - what an arrogant arse. Whether he likes / wants children or not - he should have the decency to respond appropriately especially given the importance of your daughters first birthday.

I'd see this as an opportunity to start phasing him out - and would not waste any more time with him or invite him to anything to do with your family in future. He does not deserve your friendship.

I would also probably comment on the what's app group to lighten it and for his wife to see - with 'errr that's a no then - how rude !! Hopefully you all can make it it would be lovely to see you all (and if you can't a polite 'I'm sorry I'm busy' will suffice!'

Whatdoidohelp · 02/01/2016 20:46

Do not assume they would tell U if there was fertility issues My dh and my best friends are a couple. All met at uni 20 years ago. They didn't tell us they were having fertility issues until after their THIRD ivf failure.

sunnydayinmay · 02/01/2016 20:46

I think he's just being rude. Rather brave of him to say that on a group chat, though. Did anyone else comment on it?

eastwest · 02/01/2016 20:46

To clarify, the friend has no children but because she has decided she doesn't want them, not because of fertility issues.

Stratter5 · 02/01/2016 20:47

Where did Moon?

I think RudeElf has it, it's horribly easy to do. I've done it loads.

WoTmania · 02/01/2016 20:47

He's being a dick. Nothing wrong with your invitation and no need to be so rude about the party.
I'm not keen on children but have the ability to look vaguely interested and ask the right questions etc and then I chat with the parents while the children get on with things.

plantsitter · 02/01/2016 20:48

What did you block out before 'on Sunday'? If it was the 'extraction of all your teeth' or something then fair enough, otherwise rude, rude rude. Can I also day that I don't find the tone of your message passive aggressive, it is quite self-deprecating. You don't have to apologise for having kids you know, or bend over backwards for your childless friends. You can guarantee they'll be the ones insisting you attend and buy an expensive gift for their pfb's First Tooth Party at a posh restaurant nightmarish for parents of the toddler you then have, you know.

mrsmmmummy · 02/01/2016 20:48

YANBU! You've asked them to pop in for tea and cake to help celebrate a momentous moment in your lives. It's not like you've asked them to play pass the sodding parcel!! A true friend would have a slice of cake, be gracious and then make their excuses. That's not banter, that's just plain rude!

Alisvolatpropiis · 02/01/2016 20:49

Has anyone else in the group commented since he sent that message and left?

Like "wow Steve, did you mean to sound like such a wanker?"

eastwest · 02/01/2016 20:49

I'd be tempted to call him on it. Just along the lines of what Sandyclaus suggests. I wish I had called my friend on some of the things she said to me with regard to my child which I found hurtful.

Ohfourfoxache · 02/01/2016 20:49

Even if they are having fertility problems (and I say this as someone who struggled to have Ds) it doesn't excuse him behaving like a cunt.

iwasyoungonce · 02/01/2016 20:50

I'm sure Moon will be back to apologise shortly.

I think he meant to message his wife with that response. Surely no sane person would think this was acceptable banter.

Either that, or he is a complete bellend.

Bakeoffcake · 02/01/2016 20:50

But OP you've said you're always having banter. If someone said that to me about my child's party I'd assume it was a complete joke. Why would you assume he's meaning to be rude to you?

I'd just reply "well I knew you might not want to come, so don't worry about it "

Don't take his reply to heart! You've been friends for w very long time, it's not worth getting onto such a tizzy about this. and don't invite him to anymore parties

PrussianPrue · 02/01/2016 20:50

That is so rude! And I am someone who would really not ever go to a friend's child'a first birthday party if I could avoid it.

I think your invitation sounded fine - you'd love it if they came but would totally understand if they weren't up for that.

That is really ridiculously rude.

ChickadeeChick · 02/01/2016 20:51

After seeing your message on screenshot I actually don't think you were rude at all, it was a perfectly lovely invitation and he is most definitely a wanker of the highest order. With friends like that who needs enemies? I would call him on it, if it was a mistake and was meant for his wife he still needs to apologise.

goodnightdarthvader1 · 02/01/2016 20:51

Eastwest, nicely put. I've experienced this too.

RudeElf · 02/01/2016 20:51

Yes my best friend, known her 13 years and her DH 10 years and they didnt tell me they had fertility issues until she had become pregnant after 3 years of IVF!

MarchEliza · 02/01/2016 20:52

Surely you're going to say something about this? Its outrageously rude and surely others in the group message will feel that way too!

How is that ever an acceptable response to any kind of invitation.

SirChenjin · 02/01/2016 20:52

Weird weird weird. He obviously thought he was being 'funny' and decided he didn't want to be part of your What's App thing where people - horror of horrors - might want to speak about their kids from time to time. He's Making A Point - they are free radicals and you're bowing to convention .

They sound like a pair of immature idiots - time to move on and thank your lucky stars they are not permanent features of your life.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5 6 ··· 16 17

Swipe left for the next trending thread