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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend being a dick about my DD's birthday

403 replies

DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 19:58

Am I being all pfb?
Known a couple for 15 years - we're all close, went to uni together, see each other loads as a four, they live 5 mins away.
We have a DD who turns one next week.
They're planning a family but both of them have hectic social lives and on NYE said that they can't bring themselves to ttc as they'd miss their independence but will have kids at some point. have mentioned this to avoid backlash of 'maybe they're having fertility issues', they're not
Since DD was born we have seen them a lot less for obvious reasons. We often invite for dinner at our house or have met individually - so I'd do lunch with the wife and DH might play squash with the husband, but they're really not child friendly- on the few occasions my DD has been there, the husband has completely ignored her existence and the wife has done some obligatory cooing but obviously isn't that bothered. This is fine with us - we get that pre kids, life is about drinking, lie ins and nice holidays and we definitely don't expect our DD to be centre of attention.

So..next weekend were having a really low key tea and cakes birthday thing at our house.
I just made a whatsapp group and added the couple and said 'no offense will be taken if you'd rather not but you're welcome to pop in for a cuppa and cake at any point. I honestly do not mind if you don't fancy it'
The husband replied 'this sounds shit' and then I got notification that 'husband has left group'

Now, I get they're not into kids but AIBU to be miffed at his rudeness? Half of me thinks it's funny- we have a very banterful relationship and it could be just that but ffs, he could have just said he was busy or ignored it??

OP posts:
LeaLeander · 03/01/2016 22:46

Not having a "cast-iron guarantee they don't want to come" is a stretch but inviting avowedly childfree people who have shown no interest in your daughter to a kiddie party is, yes, rather putting them on the spot. Imagine inviting a vegetarian to a pig roast to get the idea. I cannot imagine that they would be stomping and wailing if they found out later they were omitted from this particular gathering.

(btw my use of passive-aggressive was in agreeing with a previous poster up thread, who used the same terminology, not directly aimed at the OP)

When issuing social invitations, it is best keep them upbeat, impersonal and without reference to your assumptions about others' preferences, attitudes, states of mind etc. all of which are irrelevant. "We are having an open house to celebrate Olivia's first birthday on January 8 from 1 p.m. to 4 p.m. - please feel free to drop in if you're in the neighborhood." or "We will be celebrating Lily's birthday at 3 p.m. on January 8 with cake and tea, please let me know by January 6 if you'll be able to attend."

gandalf456 · 03/01/2016 23:07

If anything, I think op's invitation was trying too hard to please and so comes across as slightly clumsy albeit well intentioned. I'd not have taken offence before I had children . I like the above wording but I still think you're over thinking op's intention behind it - especially as she's come back and explained Smile

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 23:18

I don't think the vegetarian analogy is great. It was clear from my invite that it was a simple visit to our house for a cuppa - something they do all the time except this was to celebrate our DDs birthday. I wasn't inviting them to a full day of soft play and pass the parcel followed by them doing bath time. Of course a vegetarian at a hog roast would be ridiculous and would demonstrate complete inconsideration on the host's part! I acknowledged they might find it tedious but also that tea prosecco and cake would be available, i.e. other incentives/chance to catch up.

i invited them as I didn't want them to hear about this at a later date and wonder why they weren't invited. And had I not and they asked, I think it would be hurtful to have to say 'you two don't seem interested in my DD so we didn't invite you'.

OP posts:
Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 23:20

And the actual RL recipients of my invite didn't take offense to it getting defensive now

OP posts:
JaneJefferson · 03/01/2016 23:22

I didn't much like your response re. the smoke detector. - pretty shocking really. If that's how your group speaks to each other in banter I'm surprised you were so offended by his 'joke' especially after you called your DD a sprog - to me that was kind of inviting banter. Oh well, have a nice party anyway.

seriouslywhat · 03/01/2016 23:24

Could it not be that he meant to reply just to his wife and accidentally replied to the whole group?? And then when realised left group?

JaneJefferson · 03/01/2016 23:27

Meant to add re. the moonriver thing - perhaps something similar has happened in her life and she,not reading the thread properly, mistook your story for hers?? Just a possibility because she talked about the reply saying something about "shite nite" didn't she (sorry can't go back through the thread to check) whereas yours is a daytime event isn't it?

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 23:33

Who knows re moonriver - yes, the gathering is a day thing

OP posts:
nocoolnamesleft · 04/01/2016 02:40

I'd definitely go with making the Bristol stool chart chocolate cake. That way, he has to eat his words...

paxillin · 04/01/2016 02:56

I just marvel at all the people thinking it usual to invite anybody but parents, grandparents and friends of the kid (n/a at 1) to a children's do.

My dc parties? A must. I will probably love dgc's parties when the time comes. My dnieces and dnephews? If dsis needs help. A friend's kid when childless? Good lord, I'm washing my hair/ walking the dog, why put me on the spot like this?

mathanxiety · 04/01/2016 03:36

I feel so sorry for his wife. I don't believe her that he thought what he said would be funny. I would take what he said as an angry and rude two fingers to people he thinks are trying to change his mind about having a baby.

My theory is she wants to ttc but he is refusing to listen and sees attempts by friends and his wife to inveigle babies into his life as pressure unfairly exerted by them.

I have seen this sort of apologetic behaviour before on the part of women who are dealing with very 'difficult' men, who are trying to hide a lot of unhappiness from their social circle, and who are not ready to LTB because they still feel locked into their hopes and dreams -- happily ever after, two children, golden retriever, etc.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/01/2016 03:40

LOVE the "cunt detector" quip - well played! Grin

His response was far too far beyond the line of "humour", whatever he thought. Glad the wife responded appropriately and that you've decided to forgive him for now until the next time.

FWIW, I think your invitation was fine, not oppressive, not unwelcoming, just clearly trying to invite people without putting any obligation on them to come to something they might not enjoy. It was FINE.

I do feel for his wife though - I have a friend whose DH has ADHD and impulse control disorder - he's occasionally put a very iffy post up on FB, but never to quite that level of rudeness! But then they do also have DC, so that might be the difference.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 04/01/2016 03:41

Oh God, literally as I pressed "Post" I realised how that last comment could come across - I'm NOT saying that childless people are the only ones capable of rudeness, far from it!! Just saying that my friend's DH IS and CAN BE very rude but would not and never has been that rude about a child's party because he also has DC.

diddl · 04/01/2016 09:14

"My aim was to make it easy to opt out if wanted"

That's what I don't get tbh.

People are free to accept or decline as they want and don't, or shouldn't need an "opt out".

A "no thanks" should be enough from the person inviting.

That's what it is that I find annoying about your invitation.

It says "I really really don't mind if you say no", but I think it conveys "please, please, please say yes".

Why would his reply bother you so much otherwise?

Cockbollocks · 04/01/2016 09:50

I would find it weird if you didn't invite very good friends of 15 years, one of which best man at your wedding, to celebrate your first borns 1st birthday.

YWDNBU, he has clearly realised though.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 04/01/2016 10:00

To those still picking apart my invite- a) I've already 'justified' it to death. RTFT
b) not sure why people are paraphrasing bits and hence turning it into a desperate plea for attendees - it isn't.
c) it's an appropriate tone for how our social circle communicates on such topics
d) you're missing the point of why I originally posted.
e) thank your lucky stars you're not a recipient if it's so bloody weird/simpering/desperate

OP posts:
AyeAmarok · 04/01/2016 12:14

I don't see any problem with your invite text. I can see exactly what you meant by it "I'm inviting you, but I won't be offended if you'd rather not as it's a 1yo birthday, not a mad boozey party". Don't see why everyone is getting so worked up over it!

diddl · 04/01/2016 12:17

OP, sorry that I have annoyed you.

My point is that it's obvious that this is important to you & although I think that this might just be his usual banter, it's a shame that he didn't stop & think that perhaps there are some things that you don't "banter" about?

It might make me wonder if he actually liked me, although you say that he has proved a good friend in the past.

I had a friend like this & it did seem that being the witty one was more important than anyone's feelings.

It can be wearing.

ethelb · 04/01/2016 12:19

They were v rude.
But are you sure you aren't getting backs up with your patronising tone, for example: This is fine with us - we get that pre kids, life is about drinking, lie ins and nice holidays

???

Notso · 04/01/2016 12:43

So man you know to be rude was rude. Why are you surprised?

2ManySweets · 04/01/2016 14:06

Haven't we established that the OP closed the issue in style earlier with the "cunt detector" comment?

Friend being a dick about my DD's birthday
Vijac · 05/01/2016 22:07

Is take that as a joke if you do have banter. Actually, I find it quite funny oops. Clearly I'm in the minority.

Natkingcole9 · 05/01/2016 23:03

That's so rude, but it was also rude for you to say 'life is about drinking...lie ins...etc' no, life without children isn't about that, may have been for you but definitely isn't the norm. Stupid generalisation. Maybe that's why the couple are reacting this way- perhaps they're sick of your attitude towards them. The first paragraph of your post was so weird, speaking about their fertility etc..you do lunch and squash why would they tell you about their fertility?! weird.

Mrsbird311 · 05/01/2016 23:43

Of course you are being pfb, you must never invite anybody ever to the celebration of the birthday of your precious lovely baby, nobody would be interested until your child is at least 25, what were you thinking? Babies? Tea? Cake?
Only on mumsnet would inviting someone to pop over for a cuppa, cake and sing happy birthday to a baby would cause so much horror, when my first born was one we had about 20 people over, family, neighbours, friends, it's not an odd thing where I'm from,
Your friend was a dick but I think he gets that now
Enjoy your little babies birthday party!!

Groovee · 05/01/2016 23:50

Cunt detector GrinGrin