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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend being a dick about my DD's birthday

403 replies

DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 19:58

Am I being all pfb?
Known a couple for 15 years - we're all close, went to uni together, see each other loads as a four, they live 5 mins away.
We have a DD who turns one next week.
They're planning a family but both of them have hectic social lives and on NYE said that they can't bring themselves to ttc as they'd miss their independence but will have kids at some point. have mentioned this to avoid backlash of 'maybe they're having fertility issues', they're not
Since DD was born we have seen them a lot less for obvious reasons. We often invite for dinner at our house or have met individually - so I'd do lunch with the wife and DH might play squash with the husband, but they're really not child friendly- on the few occasions my DD has been there, the husband has completely ignored her existence and the wife has done some obligatory cooing but obviously isn't that bothered. This is fine with us - we get that pre kids, life is about drinking, lie ins and nice holidays and we definitely don't expect our DD to be centre of attention.

So..next weekend were having a really low key tea and cakes birthday thing at our house.
I just made a whatsapp group and added the couple and said 'no offense will be taken if you'd rather not but you're welcome to pop in for a cuppa and cake at any point. I honestly do not mind if you don't fancy it'
The husband replied 'this sounds shit' and then I got notification that 'husband has left group'

Now, I get they're not into kids but AIBU to be miffed at his rudeness? Half of me thinks it's funny- we have a very banterful relationship and it could be just that but ffs, he could have just said he was busy or ignored it??

OP posts:
Fratelli · 02/01/2016 20:52

Just reply with "well I think you're shit!"

Mooshbag · 02/01/2016 20:55

Not sure how to bookmark when I'm on the computer

RudeElf · 02/01/2016 20:57

I dont know if this is something you'd feel comfortable with OP but in one of my groups of friends (a very "bantery" group) we have this thing where if someone is rude or cheeky we just loudly proclaim "RUUUDE!" And everyone laughs and someone will say "yeah that that was quite rude X" and X will sheepishly apologise and its forgotten about. We do it in whatsapp chat too. It usually provides a giggle from the group and it means the behaviour is called out right away. Not something that might be interpreted well in other friendship dynamics but it works in ours. Do you think you could try something like that? You could post "well that was rude! Are you feeling Ok X?" (Like MN head tilt Grin) and see what the response is.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 20:58

Interestingly, the only other people in the group are my best mate (the party ring comment) and his wife. My best mate hates the husband as thinks he's a rude cock. The wife is still yet to respond.

I'm just thinking of leaving it - he's always X incredibly rude and I'm used to it. Guess seeing his rude response in black and white just pissed me off.
I know they're not ttc as I had to collect the wife's contraceptive pill from the chemist for her (I didn't open the bag btw, she asked me to 'pick up her pill'

He's rude regardless of whether he is drunk or not.

The scribbled out bit before the Sunday is my husband's family's surname

OP posts:
DragAct · 02/01/2016 20:58

What plantsitter said - you don't have to apologise to your childfree friends for having a baby, and you do sound almost elaborately bending over backwards in order not to lay the slightest expectation of attendance on them!

I say this as someone who never planned to have a child, and then had one at 40, so I spent a long time on the contentedly childfree side of things as my friends reproduced. OP, you also sound as if you are characterising them in a certain way - this couple's life may be all about drinking, lie-ins and holidays, but I don't think that's the rule for all child-free couples, any more than those with children are joyless, snot-obsessed beans-on-toast fun-suckers!

Are you both having difficulty navigating the changes in your life after you had your child?

I have to say I lost a few friends without children when I had my son, who had me firmly in their 'happily childfree' category, and couldn't cope with the transition. In some cases because it brought up things that were hard for them - a disrupted adoption in one case and a long history of attempts to conceive in another, both long before we became friends and never previously mentioned.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 20:59

I would like to have responded with a sarcastic/offended comments but he's left the group and worried an individual text will just get sneered at

OP posts:
Hissy · 02/01/2016 20:59

Wow how spectacularly rude and hurtful.

When was this? Today? Has his wife seen this? And not responded?

Hissy · 02/01/2016 21:00

Don't respond. He doesn't deserve it.

Wait for them to apologise.

threestars · 02/01/2016 21:01

Nothing passive aggressive about it - just a thoughtful, tentative invitation. Not everybody is ballsy and bad-tempered, they're just alert to different points-of-view.

The DH probably thought he was replying to his wife. His wife had told him it was more public, and he's subsequently removed himself from the conversation. Must be some cringing going on there though. I'd probably reply to him with a 'cheers' and laugh it off.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 21:02

dragact - quite happy with life - socializing is difficult as no easy access to babysitters as family far away but most other friends have kids and we do dinner parties.
I don't think it is the rule that all child free couples have lie ins, holidays and drinking session galore, but these pair certainly do.

OP posts:
Pipistrella · 02/01/2016 21:02

I think your invitation sounds a bit too appeasing to his way of thinking - the sprog - that sort of thing. It's a bit like you are trying to talk in his language?

I've done that before, with rude people, basically don't involve them in the child related side of things from now on. It's not worth putting yourselves down over - imagine how your dd might feel to see that, you should be talking about her proudly and not trying to make it sound like you agree with him?

Hope this comes across right - I'm not blaming you I just recognise the thing where you self deprecate too much and the people you're doing it for aren't worth it. Flowers

RudeElf · 02/01/2016 21:03

Is his wife still in the group? If so i would post "well that was rude" and add either a Confused or a Hmm. Maybe she will see it and make him apologise.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 21:03

Nah, the wife hasn't read it yet and they're likely together tonight so doubt he'd feel the need to send it to her, esp as he can see she is also on the group. He's just rude.

OP posts:
PrincessMouse · 02/01/2016 21:03

That's rude.. Even if it was banter it was badly timed and extreamly inappropriate for him to say that in the group. Actually inappropriate for him to say it at all. I would be pissed off. I would have / have had to say something.

AnneElliott · 02/01/2016 21:04

I think that message wasn't meant for you, but for his wife. He then got embarrassed and left the group when he realised his mistake.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 21:04

I definitely self deprecate too much - one of my many faults!

OP posts:
NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 02/01/2016 21:04

They are not bu to not be bothered by dd and not want to attend a one year olds bday

NotMeNotYouNotAnyone · 02/01/2016 21:05

Sorry pressed post early
I meant to add

They ARE bu to be rude about it! If they're not interested politely declining is fine, you were giving them an easy out anyway!

Aeroflotgirl · 02/01/2016 21:06

Extremely rude, even if their are having fertility issues, that would put me right off.

Pipistrella · 02/01/2016 21:06

Bless you...stop pandering to the rude, child hating people and just talk like you normally would to nice people. If they don't like kids, don't involve them with your child. Sooner or later they will upset her, I guarantee it.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 21:06

I think I'll wait to see what the wife says. I imagine it will be along the lines of 'husband being a knob, we'll try to pop in' and then I'll say 'yes, actually I found his response to be really rude'

OP posts:
wannaBe · 02/01/2016 21:07

Setting up a whatsApp group for a child's birthday party is incredibly PFB. I can see exactly why he would have left the group - I would have done the same even though I might not have sent a reply.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 21:08

Just to clarify, they're not having fertility issues!

OP posts:
HairForNow · 02/01/2016 21:09

Just wanted to say to moonriver1 really?! Jeez you're in a good mood and untrusting if everyone.

OP having been through infertility myself, I would still always attend close friends new babies/birthdays/events etc. It hurts but I like seeing my friends happy.

He's a dick, don't meet him again, although I'm sure when they have kids they'll be wanting to be your friend again and you can tell him "sounds shit"

SirChenjin · 02/01/2016 21:10

A What's App for a birthday party (in your case tea and cakes) sounds like a sensible way of sending out a group invite to a very low key thing - no big deal. If someone wants to get upset at that then let them.

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