Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend being a dick about my DD's birthday

403 replies

DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 19:58

Am I being all pfb?
Known a couple for 15 years - we're all close, went to uni together, see each other loads as a four, they live 5 mins away.
We have a DD who turns one next week.
They're planning a family but both of them have hectic social lives and on NYE said that they can't bring themselves to ttc as they'd miss their independence but will have kids at some point. have mentioned this to avoid backlash of 'maybe they're having fertility issues', they're not
Since DD was born we have seen them a lot less for obvious reasons. We often invite for dinner at our house or have met individually - so I'd do lunch with the wife and DH might play squash with the husband, but they're really not child friendly- on the few occasions my DD has been there, the husband has completely ignored her existence and the wife has done some obligatory cooing but obviously isn't that bothered. This is fine with us - we get that pre kids, life is about drinking, lie ins and nice holidays and we definitely don't expect our DD to be centre of attention.

So..next weekend were having a really low key tea and cakes birthday thing at our house.
I just made a whatsapp group and added the couple and said 'no offense will be taken if you'd rather not but you're welcome to pop in for a cuppa and cake at any point. I honestly do not mind if you don't fancy it'
The husband replied 'this sounds shit' and then I got notification that 'husband has left group'

Now, I get they're not into kids but AIBU to be miffed at his rudeness? Half of me thinks it's funny- we have a very banterful relationship and it could be just that but ffs, he could have just said he was busy or ignored it??

OP posts:
leghoul · 03/01/2016 00:29

I think it'd be banter if he hadn't written the message to the rest of the group - he obviously made a mistake and she's covering for him
but I don't think he meant to be rude

TamaraLamara · 03/01/2016 00:29

I just want to make him realise he took bantering a bit too far

Tell him exactly that. Or tell her exactly that. Quickest and easiest way to achieve your aim.

leghoul · 03/01/2016 00:31

perhaps ' thanks but I may be inclined to make DH change a nappy in revenge. It'd be hilarious! don't worry about it see you another time'

leghoul · 03/01/2016 00:32

or yes, just tell them it wasn't clear it was banter and don't worry about coming this time

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 00:35

To be honest, although we're close and obv had disagreements - they've never been about 'real' stuff. We'll argue the toss over sport, politics etc but if we piss them off or vice versa, we just leave it and suck it up. I feel if I brought this issue to him, he would think it totally out of character and laugh at us... And say 'you've changed since having a kid' in a derogatory way.. (Of course we've changed but not in a bad way!) We're not at all confrontational and I know it would leave things very awkward. I don't want that but equally I'd like to portray that Dh and I are hurt by his comment but without a showdown... I dunno, I'm pretty spineless really.

OP posts:
BertrandRussell · 03/01/2016 00:35

I think the invitation was rude- but the response was mindbogglingly rude, whatever the circumstances!

leghoul · 03/01/2016 00:38

honestly you're welcome but am pretty sure it's not your/DH's cup of tea so maybe next time
also spineless

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 00:42

'Lol- he's such a funny guy!! Don't worry mate, I can't stand the thought of husband's miserable face all afternoon! Hope your New Year's Day was fun, maybe we could meet for lunch the week after next?' Maybe this...?

OP posts:
saura · 03/01/2016 00:44

"are you sure he was joking? I didn't think it would be your guys cup of tea anyway haha. want to meet up for a girly lunch some time ?"

Sprink · 03/01/2016 00:49

'Happy high status' always wins.

He was never rude, it was just banter. They are most welcome, as always. You're looking forward to a fun get-together. You're SO happy.

Rinse. Repeat.

HanYOLO · 03/01/2016 00:51

Wife sounds mortified. I'm sure she will have told him off.

He's been a total arse (and everyone has seen that) but I wouldn't uninvite them.

How about "It would be great to see you. Party rings are go. Your DH is on balloon modelling duty for that comment"

UnderTheGreenwoodTree · 03/01/2016 00:54

Oh, just let him come along. You can take the piss a bit, but I think uninviting him and making a big thing of it would be a bit OTT Smile

nooka · 03/01/2016 01:00

Seems slightly strange to me to specially create a group to invite two couples to a party when you already know that at least two of them hate small children focused celebrations. Sure the guy was really very rude, but OP you knew that neither he nor the other guy would want to come. Why did you really invite them?

It does feel a bit passive aggressive to me. It's a bit 'I know you hate this sort of thing, but I'm going to invite you for the hell of it and put you in the awkward position of having to reply'. And now you are complaining because you've got the person who you knew would not want to attend and would not enjoy themselves to come to the party that you invited him to.

It just seems completely avoidable. Why didn't you just text the two women who presumably haven't already told you that 1st birthday parties are 'excruciating' or 'boring and to be tolerated' if you just wanted to give them the opportunity to come?

Isetan · 03/01/2016 01:01

Why are you friends with such an obtuse fuckwit?

In the context of your posts the invite did come across as simpering, was that level of apology really needed for people you are supposedly close to? The dynamic in this 'close' friendship just seems really off and rather than sweep this incident (of which I'm sure there's been many) under the carpet, why don't you confront it. No way would this git cross my threshold without an apology and has it occurred to you that your acceptance (you know what he's like, blah blah) of his bullshit, enables him to continue dishing it out.

Take his negativity and turn it into a positive by addressing the obvious imbalance in your relationship with these people.

It's amazing how much PA and downright offensive bullshit gets passed off as 'banter'. You had a child ffs, it's not a bloody crime, so stop apologising for it.

Wombat87 · 03/01/2016 01:10

That's really rude. I don't have kids. I'm cooking one now but I don't have them yet. But I have been to every party for my friends kids (unless I was honestly busy and that was just the once for one of them). Even though it was only for an hour for the last one. One party I was the photographer as I didn't have any kids to look after and has swish camera. Kids parties bore the shit out of me. But I go as support for my friend as 'Auntie Wombat'.

YANBU to have expected a half decent reply or excuse to not go. What a rude and arrogant man!!

leghoul · 03/01/2016 01:11

I like your wording OP but I'd take out the lol he's such a funny guy and start from don't worry mate..

BitchPeas · 03/01/2016 01:12

I'd just text back, 'na, you're both barred' and leave it for them to come to you and apologise or whatever. Don't brush over it and make plans with the wife otherwise he'll carry on like it forever.

Leelu6 · 03/01/2016 01:14

I'm crap at confrontation but I would send the following msg to the group:

Was he joking?! his choice of words and leaving the group made me think differently. Feel free to pop in but I think DP will indeed find it 'shit' so should stay home. x

Quinoa20 · 03/01/2016 01:15

I'm child free (I hate the term in its societal sense these days due to crazy websites but I'm happy!)

His wording was very rude, but maybe the "no offence will be taken if you don't want to come" was a bit mean. I've happily attended several friend's children's parties over the years without ever hearing that sort of thing. I just get an invite or not and if I do I am happy to go and drag DH along too who usually ends up having fun as well as we like our friends and their kids.

ZenNudist · 03/01/2016 01:15

I think it's a shame for the wife. If it were me I'd be happy enough to pop in for a first birthday party. Especially if I wanted to do my bit to maintain the friendship. It might even help her build up to having dc herself.

My response would be. "No worries, no obligation. We don't want people there under sufferance! Perhaps you come along and dh can do something he thinks is more fun like pluck his arse hair 😝! We meanwhile plan on having a lovely time seeing close friends and family #anyexcuseforaparty"

TendonQueen · 03/01/2016 01:15

I'd just not reply to that at all. Blank it. They will work out then you're not impressed but without you saying anything they can't do much. And if they do show up, I would be perfectly polite but cool. Not too effusive, and I would be suddenly distracted the moment he said anything 'funny' and need to go and answer the door or speak to someone else.

TheTigerIsOut · 03/01/2016 01:17

I think your invitation sounds more like a sarcastic "we really do not want you here because we know you don't give a shit about our baby, but are inviting you anyway" than as a concerned host not wanting to force friends to attend a baby's birthday party.

I think his response was rude, but really... having being the friend of a woman who often took offence at people "ignoring" her baby, because they failed to continue communicating with a one year old baby after the initial and brief cooing, I think I can get where he is comming from.

TendonQueen · 03/01/2016 01:17

Actually, if you're going to reply I like Leelu6's message.

BurningBridges · 03/01/2016 01:47

just don't get in touch with them again - if you have young children surely you don't have time for all this?

BastardGoDarkly · 03/01/2016 05:06

Oh I feel sorry for the wife :(

Say, OK, will be great to see you as always, can you leave your shit husband at home though? Cheers!

Swipe left for the next trending thread