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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend being a dick about my DD's birthday

403 replies

DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 19:58

Am I being all pfb?
Known a couple for 15 years - we're all close, went to uni together, see each other loads as a four, they live 5 mins away.
We have a DD who turns one next week.
They're planning a family but both of them have hectic social lives and on NYE said that they can't bring themselves to ttc as they'd miss their independence but will have kids at some point. have mentioned this to avoid backlash of 'maybe they're having fertility issues', they're not
Since DD was born we have seen them a lot less for obvious reasons. We often invite for dinner at our house or have met individually - so I'd do lunch with the wife and DH might play squash with the husband, but they're really not child friendly- on the few occasions my DD has been there, the husband has completely ignored her existence and the wife has done some obligatory cooing but obviously isn't that bothered. This is fine with us - we get that pre kids, life is about drinking, lie ins and nice holidays and we definitely don't expect our DD to be centre of attention.

So..next weekend were having a really low key tea and cakes birthday thing at our house.
I just made a whatsapp group and added the couple and said 'no offense will be taken if you'd rather not but you're welcome to pop in for a cuppa and cake at any point. I honestly do not mind if you don't fancy it'
The husband replied 'this sounds shit' and then I got notification that 'husband has left group'

Now, I get they're not into kids but AIBU to be miffed at his rudeness? Half of me thinks it's funny- we have a very banterful relationship and it could be just that but ffs, he could have just said he was busy or ignored it??

OP posts:
Fractiousfractions · 03/01/2016 11:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Excited101 · 03/01/2016 11:06

There is 100% no way he didn't intend it as banter to you. However, it isn't funny, and it's very rude. My BF DH is exactly the same as this unfortunately, I wish he wasn't. I wish he was just lovely and calm and fun but instead his insecurities seem to convince him he needs to be 'funny' all the time when in fact if he wasn't trying so bloody hard all the time he'd be a lot easier to get on with.

You also sound like me op, I give as good as I get with him but I wish I didn't feel like I had to, I'd much prefer a normal friend type relationship with him but that doesn't feel possible.

thickgit · 03/01/2016 11:16

He was kidding

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 11:18

Husband update*

Has text to ask if I'm in a mood as I haven't re added him. Then followed by 'will there be booze?' Wife sent a separate text saying 'don't add him, he's an embarrassment to society'

I've kinda accepted this as an apology or rather a show of regret.
He's now texting to ask my advice as to why his extractor hood on his oven is bleeping. I just said: 'maybe it's a cunt detector if you're stood under it' ( sorry about the swearing)

OP posts:
Scarydinosaurs · 03/01/2016 11:21

Let it go- it was rude but wife's message is good. Don't get het up about it, especially if they've been good to you in the past.

cowssheephens · 03/01/2016 11:23

Have you replied to him yet OP?

I think your original tx was fine but if I was being picky I am with the poster who said it sounded slightly apologetic.

I think he's a fool and doesn't deserve your friendship, fine not to like babies but how rude to ignore her at all times! A true friend wouldn't do that.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 11:23

Yes thanks, I agree. Not worth losing good mates over!

OP posts:
cowssheephens · 03/01/2016 11:25

Cross post op.

If he turns up I would be very cold to him, friendship with him would be over.

What does your husband say OP?

IrenetheQuaint · 03/01/2016 11:27

As a childfree person myself who has various godchildren etc of whom I am very fond but avoids children's parties like the plague, I think you sound lovely, OP, and I hope your friends appreciate your efforts to keep the friendship going and not become a PFB bore.

Hope the party goes well!

Kakanto · 03/01/2016 11:27

Sounds bloody irritating. I get where you're coming from - a joke is all good and well, but constantly?

I agree with op that the recent message was an apology of sorts but totally understand where you're coming from in feeling that it's a joke too far. Why do people always have to turn the spotlight on them?!

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 11:27

cow - I just said to wife 'yes he has always been an embarrassment to society'

To him I said 'nah, don't come you won't enjoy it' but he followed this up with the booze question and extractor hood question and now asking my opinion on some new curtains. I think it's his way of smoothing things over. They'll probably come.
I'll forgive but won't forget for the future!

OP posts:
Oldraver · 03/01/2016 11:27

He's now texting to ask my advice as to why his extractor hood on his oven is bleeping. I just said: 'maybe it's a cunt detector if you're stood under it

Just hahahaha

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 11:29

Dh hasn't said much really - he knows he's a knob but wouldn't want to bring it up with him

OP posts:
cowssheephens · 03/01/2016 11:34

Ok, your call OP but he still sound like a twat though! Grin

Hope your DD has a lovely day.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 11:37

Thanks cow

OP posts:
ptumbi · 03/01/2016 11:50

But he hasn't actually apologised, Op has he? In fact, it's now your fault, because you are 'in a mood' due to his dickness.

gandalf456 · 03/01/2016 12:06

If it were me, I would probably let it go now. I think he at least realises he's been a dick with a bit of help with his wife. It would alter my feelings for him though and it may be a friendship that slips by the wayside as you'll inevitably meet more like minded pw

VagueIdeas · 03/01/2016 12:18

I think you out "bantered" him. Well done.

Sounds like he considers the matter over and so can you for the time being - until the next crass or offensive comment, that is.

The problem with people like this, I find, is that they get away with being arseholes to their friends because "that's just the way he/she is".

You may have an epiphany one day and realise that, actually, the balance of rude twat/good friend has become seriously out of whack.

I was in that situation and had to ask myself why I put up with all these barbed comments just to maintain a few crumbs of friendship. And what was in it for me?

0hCrepe · 03/01/2016 12:27

I think it was a badly executed joke that can't come across well in text. Kind of like when I go to a friend's house and she apologises for non-existent mess or not being ready I might say "right that's it its just not good enough, I'm leaving," but purely as a joke. He's almost being a parody of himself, it would look affected if he'd said "how lovely".

Bambambini · 03/01/2016 12:38

You think they are worth having as friends and have to out up with his boorish, insecurity laden, childish SOH (though you can pull him up on this) or you just let them go - you know whether the friendship Ruth it.

I do think "it's shit" might become your group go to catchphrase though.

thetemptationofchocolate · 03/01/2016 12:38

Maybe you should make a cake like this one?
s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/f3/d5/09/f3d50903b8b3c55a9c4418e46b13484c.jpg

acatcalledjohn · 03/01/2016 12:44

I'd still be livid just because he hasn't got the balls to apologise. I'd argue your 'cunt detector' text is not massively far from the truth Grin.

FWIW: DP and I are consciously childless and intend to remain so. However, we have some friends and family with kids and these kids are visited on birthdays when invited and interacted with normally (well, as much as we are able to - as someone else already mentioned upthread, I also have the maternal instincts of a brick, DP is even worse). No, a birthday party for a child may not be our favourite pastime, but we do give a shit about our friends and thus will make the effort, and get an appropriate gift too.

It's what is known as normal behaviour. I would tell twat friend and his wife that he is only welcome if he can mutter a decent and meant apology.

Gruntfuttock · 03/01/2016 13:02

"I would tell twat friend and his wife that he is only welcome if he can mutter a decent and meant apology."

Why would he apologise in order to be welcome at somewhere he seriously doesn't want to go? He should apologise for being very rude, but the invitation should be withdrawn as it is best for everyone. Just say, "You'll hate it, so we'll meet up at another time." not in those words, but basically say that.

TendonQueen · 03/01/2016 13:05

If the WA group is specifically related to the party, I wouldn't add him again. And I'd reply to the 'are you in a mood?' Text with 'No, not at all! Smile I thought YOU were'. And still not add him.

WhatamessIgotinto · 03/01/2016 13:06

'maybe it's a cunt detector if you're stood under it'

Oh you totally out-bantered him - top marks! Grin

I would let it go, hope your DD has a lovely birthday.