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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend being a dick about my DD's birthday

403 replies

DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 19:58

Am I being all pfb?
Known a couple for 15 years - we're all close, went to uni together, see each other loads as a four, they live 5 mins away.
We have a DD who turns one next week.
They're planning a family but both of them have hectic social lives and on NYE said that they can't bring themselves to ttc as they'd miss their independence but will have kids at some point. have mentioned this to avoid backlash of 'maybe they're having fertility issues', they're not
Since DD was born we have seen them a lot less for obvious reasons. We often invite for dinner at our house or have met individually - so I'd do lunch with the wife and DH might play squash with the husband, but they're really not child friendly- on the few occasions my DD has been there, the husband has completely ignored her existence and the wife has done some obligatory cooing but obviously isn't that bothered. This is fine with us - we get that pre kids, life is about drinking, lie ins and nice holidays and we definitely don't expect our DD to be centre of attention.

So..next weekend were having a really low key tea and cakes birthday thing at our house.
I just made a whatsapp group and added the couple and said 'no offense will be taken if you'd rather not but you're welcome to pop in for a cuppa and cake at any point. I honestly do not mind if you don't fancy it'
The husband replied 'this sounds shit' and then I got notification that 'husband has left group'

Now, I get they're not into kids but AIBU to be miffed at his rudeness? Half of me thinks it's funny- we have a very banterful relationship and it could be just that but ffs, he could have just said he was busy or ignored it??

OP posts:
Isetan · 03/01/2016 06:21

I do not feel sorry for the wife, if she chooses to stay with a dick that's her prerogative but I wouldn't put up with his fuckwittery on her behalf. It sounds like the price of being friends with this couple, is putting up with his shit, which I personally think is too high.

SkyShadow · 03/01/2016 08:32

Leelu6's response looks like a good one.

If you do respond, I certainly wouldn't put in anything like "lol - he's such a funny guy!" You might mean it sarcastically, but if so, that doesn't come across properly here. It makes it look more like you think his rude reply was acceptable or at least excusable.

Jw35 · 03/01/2016 08:36

If you're worried he will accuse you of 'changing' since you've had a baby and be derogatory I think he's an arse anyway. Stop caring what your friends think of you and be honest! His comment was rude and it hurt, it's better if they don't come. Of course you've changed and it's about time he did and grew the f up!

chrome100 · 03/01/2016 08:39

Well I'm child free and I don't think your invitation was rudely worded at all. His reply however...

sparklewater · 03/01/2016 08:52

Wife has probably given him a bollocking for his initial response. Why make it hard for them to make amends now it has been acknowledged?

Saying something like 'I wasn't sure if it was a joke or not! Be lovely to see you x' lets them know it was too far but not in an aggressive way.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 09:00

husband update
Thanks for suggestions.
Had an individual text off him saying 'add me again (to the group) I was joking'

Hmmmm

OP posts:
trinity0097 · 03/01/2016 09:01

Rude! I have a friend with a kid, she knows I don't 'do' babies or small children so no offence is taken if I don't want to instantly hold the baby etc!

SausageSmuggler · 03/01/2016 09:02

What a bellend. I think he realises he went too far and is trying to save face by saying he was joking.

WilburIsSomePig · 03/01/2016 09:19

I have a friends like this, his wife is always bailing him out. He would say exactly this kind of this, the difference being he would not have left the group, he would have waited for me to tell him to fuck off. He is a massive man child who thinks he's constantly funny; sometimes he really is and other times he really isn't.

There was absolutely nothing wrong with your message and he was unbelievably rude. This thread is a bit mental with all the PFB comments for using WA etc., it very much depends on how your social group normally interacts with each other. If you would normally phone then using WA would be out of character but all our arrangements involving more than one person are usually made using WA or texts. WA easier because it can be a 'conversation' between all parties.

Anyway, this is one of those threads that really makes you realise how different people are and how they interpret things!

ScarlettDarling · 03/01/2016 09:19

Reply via text saying 'piss off you rude twat' and def don't add him again to the group.

diddl · 03/01/2016 09:21

I don't think that Op's invitation was rude, just unnecessarily I can't think of the word, want to say grovelling, but that's not it.

Too apologetic for having a child?

I would just have replied "OK" to the wife.

Op, you know the man, we don't.

I'd take it at face value that he was trying to be funny in response to your invitation that had "sprog" in it.

No point in disbeliving him imo as you just end up hurting yourself.

MockTheWeek · 03/01/2016 09:29

I would just re-add him to the group and leave it at that. Then on the day, say "hope this isn't too shit for you" or something like that. No point falling out over what is obviously a joke gone wrong.

It's just reminded me that I set up a group to arrange a night out for my DPs birthday last year. His friend did similar in that he made some comment and then left the group. I just left him to it and then sent him a separate message when the details had been finalised. He came along and had a good time, I think he just likes to make a bit of a fuss.

Canyoudomegreaterharm · 03/01/2016 10:00

DrMum83 I think your invite was fine, his response was rude and agree with other posters his wife is trying to dig him out the hole he put himself into.

My DH had a friend like this, the friend and his wife were having fertility issues so as a group we all gave them massive leeway when they didn't turn up or respond to any child related invitations/events. We understood it would be hard etc

However contrary to other posters suggestions when they had their child it has not changed their behaviour one bit. There are many examples but one is that I invited them to DD's birthday party and they didn't respond at all, they didn't turn up but commented on a FB picture posted up that they had "forgotten to come" (That might out me)

It's clear now they just aren't interested in the group at all rather then children being the factor so it might be the friendship with the DH at least has run its course?

Don't waste your time on them, use it on people who are worth it!

scarlets · 03/01/2016 10:11

This thread has been interesting. No consensus! Different attitudes to banter/childfree people being expected to be excited about babies/wording of invitation etc.

Anyway, following the updates, I think it's now time to forget it and move on. It's become disproportionately problematic. If they show up, they show up.

As someone whose two closest friends had no children until they were 40+, I think it's important to do stuff with them that doesn't involve DD - and you're already doing this, I note you mentioned lunches and squash, political chat. You can't do much more to accommodate this friendship tbf.

Katastrophe13 · 03/01/2016 10:13

Op I think your invite to them was fine - low pressure - not PA. I would just not respond, to her or him, let them come on the day and let your DH say something to him about crossing the line of bants, as it sounds like the husband is more his friend than yours. Let him deal with it

AliensInUnderpants12 · 03/01/2016 10:20

Canyoudomegreaterharm this has also happened to me sadly. A friend suddenly went very cold on me when I had DS and turned down every invitation I gave. A mutual friend told me that the cold friend had been on fertility treatment for 3 years. Then we both became pregnant at the same time and I thought she would 'get it' but no...still not interested in my DC (or me). I've decided to send birthday cards and if we don't get any cards back this year I am just going to call it a day. 4 years of one sided effort is more than enough Sad

ZanyMobster · 03/01/2016 10:21

I think the invite was fine, I wouldn't have thought anything of it other than that you understand it may not have been everyone's cup of tea.

TBH I would leave it now and add him to the group, he clearly thought he was being funny but it didn't go down like he thought and not worth arguing over. Add him but tell him you expect a big gift for him being a twat!

MultishirkingAgain · 03/01/2016 10:26

His was a joke gone wrong, but your opening post is really quite judgemental and PFB about the couple. Believe me, us childless people can tell when new parents whisper stuff about us such as you say in the OP - it's judgemental and smug.

both of them have hectic social lives and on NYE said that they can't bring themselves to ttc as they'd miss their independence

pre kids, life is about drinking, lie ins and nice holidays

they're really not child friendly- on the few occasions my DD has been there, the husband has completely ignored her existence and the wife has done some obligatory cooing

Just because your life now revolves around your DD, theirs doesn't have to. But you seem to judge them for not being entranced by your PFB. I daresay that your friends have picked up on this ...

goodnightdarthvader1 · 03/01/2016 10:40

Multi, I don't see what was so offensive about what OP wrote about her friends (including quoting what her friend actually said to her). I was childfree for years (until I changed my mind) but I never ignored a friend's baby and never turned a child's party invite down by saying "it sounds shit".

OP, would not let him off easily. I'd let him know it wasn't much of a joke before letting him back in. He wasn't joking.

Fractiousfractions · 03/01/2016 10:48

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NoahVale · 03/01/2016 10:50

i would let him off, as a bad joker. and meaning to send to wife only.

dont stayed annoyed op.
enjoy the party.
serve him laxatives laced drink though Wink

cowssheephens · 03/01/2016 10:51

He wasn't joking and it wasn't a joke that had gone wrong!

He is a twat! I'm sorry but I would think twice before having him around your DD. Fine not to like babies but no need to be horrible and he doesn't show any respect for you and DH. He's no friend. Get rid.

tillop · 03/01/2016 10:51

I would just add him again and wait until he invites you to something or tells you about a holiday or something and reply....

''sounds shit''

Hygge · 03/01/2016 10:53

Is it possible that he thought deleting himself from the group would also delete his comment?

If so, I agree with the suggestions that he might have thought he was replying to his wife rather than to your entire group.

He's tried to cover his tracks and it's gone wrong, so now he's back-tracking.

If he was joking, he wouldn't have removed himself after the comment would he?

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 10:55

multi

  1. A factual statement
  2. True for us pre DC and many of our friends
  3. Factual

Not sure how I'm being judgemental and smug. If anything I go too far the other way in not talking about DD and trying to socialise without her.

OP posts: