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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Friend being a dick about my DD's birthday

403 replies

DrMum83 · 02/01/2016 19:58

Am I being all pfb?
Known a couple for 15 years - we're all close, went to uni together, see each other loads as a four, they live 5 mins away.
We have a DD who turns one next week.
They're planning a family but both of them have hectic social lives and on NYE said that they can't bring themselves to ttc as they'd miss their independence but will have kids at some point. have mentioned this to avoid backlash of 'maybe they're having fertility issues', they're not
Since DD was born we have seen them a lot less for obvious reasons. We often invite for dinner at our house or have met individually - so I'd do lunch with the wife and DH might play squash with the husband, but they're really not child friendly- on the few occasions my DD has been there, the husband has completely ignored her existence and the wife has done some obligatory cooing but obviously isn't that bothered. This is fine with us - we get that pre kids, life is about drinking, lie ins and nice holidays and we definitely don't expect our DD to be centre of attention.

So..next weekend were having a really low key tea and cakes birthday thing at our house.
I just made a whatsapp group and added the couple and said 'no offense will be taken if you'd rather not but you're welcome to pop in for a cuppa and cake at any point. I honestly do not mind if you don't fancy it'
The husband replied 'this sounds shit' and then I got notification that 'husband has left group'

Now, I get they're not into kids but AIBU to be miffed at his rudeness? Half of me thinks it's funny- we have a very banterful relationship and it could be just that but ffs, he could have just said he was busy or ignored it??

OP posts:
Viviennemary · 03/01/2016 13:18

Well a lot of people would agree and just laugh. But I suppose it was a bit rude of him to be so honest if you didn't appreciate it. But I think this expecting other people to be madly interested in small children is just plain unrealistic.

GwynethPaltrowIamNot · 03/01/2016 13:19

I think you've top trumped him Grin

I'd let it go now as I wouldn't want my child's first birthday to be overshadowed by it

But if he behaved like a twat again , that would be it

Gasp0deTheW0nderD0g · 03/01/2016 13:21

Very interesting thread. For me, the most striking thing about it was the significant minority of people who thought the OP's message was rude. I didn't read it that way at all. I thought it was very considerate and accommodating, given the context the OP gave to how her friends were really not very interested in the baby.

However, it looks as if to some people self-deprecating comes across as passive aggressive. That's food for thought. I am a self-deprecating person too. Hmmm.

The other thing that strikes me is that most people seem to take it for granted that babies are boring to the childless. In that case I'm even odder than I thought. I've always liked babies and little children and would have been delighted to go to a first birthday party before I had children of my own. I would have been the one hanging around hoping for a chance to hold a baby to give its mum or dad a break. Is this rare, then?

sparklewater · 03/01/2016 13:33

Ha ha! You win!

Hope you all have a lovely time on the day

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 03/01/2016 13:40

"Thanks for suggestions.
Had an individual text off him saying 'add me again (to the group) I was joking'"

DrMum - I know you have responded to him already, but I would be tempted to text him and say that his joke actually hurt your feelings.

I suspect moonriver has read the thread and seen the screenshots that you've put up since her claim that she was the chap's wife - and is too embarrassed to come back and say she was lying.

acatcalledjohn · 03/01/2016 14:26

Grunt, I meant an apology to be welcome in general, though I didn't word it very clearly.

MLGs · 03/01/2016 14:44

My instinct is that he probably thought this was banter. But he was wrong and it was rude.

Stratter5 · 03/01/2016 17:01

LOVE the 'cunt detector'' response. V well played.

hesterton · 03/01/2016 17:04

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Narp · 03/01/2016 17:10

I don't know what a Whatsapp group is, but I think that the rules of common courtesy still apply no matter what the mode of communication. What an arse he is being!

BurningBridges · 03/01/2016 17:57

OP I am still really confused - do you not have many friends? Why are you tying yourself in knots over this couple - are they very special to you? Many posters on here with children will have experienced losing friends once they were the first to have a baby; just put it down to experience and don't contact them again. Are you seriously telling us you want people in your life who respond to invitations with the message "sounds shit"?

PingpongDingDong · 03/01/2016 18:12

Your response to his last message was incredibly rude. Excellent!!!!! Grin

diddl · 03/01/2016 18:12

He says that something you are doing sounds like shit, you call him a cunt.

Seems as if you need to grow a thicker skin as you seem just as capable as being jokey!

RubyWoooo · 03/01/2016 18:16

Cunt detector Grin

2ManySweets · 03/01/2016 18:37

Actually can't stop laughing re: "cunt detector", what a belter of a response 😂😂😂

llhj · 03/01/2016 19:13

Weirdest part of the whole thing for me was moonriver calling you a liar. How random was that? I think you dealt very smoothly with the whole thing.

LeaLeander · 03/01/2016 19:38

He's very rude.

But when you know they aren't interested in your offspring why put them on the spot in the first place with an invitation? I find that rather passive-aggressive (as is your characterization of childfree as boozing, late-sleeping slackers. Many of us are anything but that) and self-defeating.

Children's birthday parties are of little interest to anyone but the parents and grandparents of said children. It's not doing anyone a favor to put them on the spot with an unwanted invitation.

gandalf456 · 03/01/2016 21:17

Well, you can't really win this one, can you? If you don't invite them, you'll get accused of dropping them like a stone after having a child and, if you do, you're waving your baby in their face when you know they're not interested. I think OP did the right thing by inviting them and I think she was trying to be thoughtful by saying she'd understand if they didn't fancy it. I read it as her not wanting to be one of those parents who become very me, me, me once they've had a baby. The couple could've easily have saved face by being 'busy.' That's what normal people say when they don't fancy it. A text or whatsapp or facebook message is not putting them on the spot. They have time to mull it over and come up with an excuse without having to talk to them face-to-face and feeling awkward.

HairForNow · 03/01/2016 21:35

They know they've done wrong and are on the back foot. Wife has probably given him an earful, after finding this thread and spending the evening panicking how to rectify. Let them come and sulk in the corner and see you enjoying yourself with friends with children and them feeling stupid.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 21:46

burningbridges - yes thanks, I have enough friends. I'm not tying myself in knots but we are very close and hence his brutal response shocked me. I've accepted now it was his attempt at banter but he probably does think it'll be shit. That's his opinion and fair enough but he didn't need to portray it in that way.
Anyhow, he's flown a white flag and I've forgiven him. I'm not gonna throw away 15 years of friendship over this. Like I've said, we're all banterful and hence I have to accept he takes things too far sometimes, one of the downsides of being his mate. He does have redeeming factors as I touched on previously as he has helped us through a really tough time.

OP posts:
TendonQueen · 03/01/2016 21:48

Blimey, so now it's 'passive aggressive' even to invite someone to something if you don't already have a cast iron guarantee they want to come? As gandalf said, you're in a no win situation in that case. People upthread were moaning that the invitation didn't sound enthusiastic enough, now apparently it was oppressive! Hmm And as gandalf also said, it's easy enough to find a reason why you can't come to something without saying it's 'shit'. What's the other mantra on here about 'no is a complete sentence'? Or 'it's an invitation not a summons'?

AyeAmarok · 03/01/2016 21:49

Sounds fair OP Smile

Hope you have a lovely day for your PFB's 1st birthday.

Original poster
DrMum83 · 03/01/2016 21:57

lealander - I really didn't try to come across as pass agress. I find that a bit harsh. I was honestly trying to respect that it may not be everyone's cup of tea but equally I didn't want them to hear about it later and wonder why they weren't invited... Like I've said, he's my DH's best mate and we've only invited our respective best mates and families to keep it low key. My aim was to make it easy to opt out if wanted and I thought a text gives them chance to formulate a decline if needed.
Sorry- I look back fondly on pre-DD life as having lots of time to do things I enjoy- sleeping, holidays and the pub. I agree that that's not everyone's cup of tea but I don't think my OP really implied I had a negative opinion of child free people as 'slackers' think that's barrel scraping tbh in attempt to bitch at me for whatever reason, seems this thread has attracted a lot of people who want to lay into me!
gandalf I really can't win, you're right. I've come out of this with an enact friendship but learned I'm 'simpering', 'passive aggressive' and have a judge mental view of child free couples.
I only bloody invited our best mates to a small party!
Thanks all for the debate anyway, has kept me occupied for the last day!

OP posts:
SirChenjin · 03/01/2016 22:05

This is MN - which means that at some point, someone feels that have to come out with 'passive agressive', 'entitled', 'you sound X' ( insert ridiculous accusation, even when they sound like nothing of the sort), 'you asked for opinions, OP' and at some point, Godwin's Law is usually invoked.

blueturtle6 · 03/01/2016 22:20

Cakes and yes is lovely kids or no kids. It was very rude. I bet when they have kids they'll end up huge baby bores!