To be pissed off with stepdaughter, DH thinks so.

[Munchkins1316]

All right, this is just a small thing but it's sort of the whole straw = camels back thing so bear with me.

I've had some expensive toiletries bought me for Christmas. I'm not a special snowflake but I have extremely sensitive skin and there is only one brand that fits in with my animal testing ethos AND doesn't leave me looking like a creature from Hellraiser.

My sister bought me a bottle of said favourite shower gel and some other bits for Christmas.

I had a lovely bath about an hour ago and then sd jumped in and ran one after me.

As a bit of background Sd knows she can ask me for anything she needs/wants and I've always given it to her. She is 13.

I've just been in the bathroom and my brand new, barely used by me shower gel has gone, all gone. It was filled with some water and shook to make it look full.

This upset me a) it was a Christmas present barely used b) Why didn't she ask me to use some c) why on earth use an ENTIRE bottle then fill it up with water to trick me!

If it had been Dd I would have gone mad but because it's dsd I have to walk on a tightrope.

I was going to say something along the lines of 'Dsd sweetie why didnt you ask to use my stuff, and why did you use a whole bottle'.

However upon mentioning I was a bit upset to DH when he came upstairs it transpires I am just being an evil stepmother. Apparently she wouldn't have known it was mine (despite it being in my cupboard and me being the only person ever in the house that uses said clearly different brand) and it's totally normal to use an entire bottle of shower gel.

I've just been made to feel out of order if I say anything.

Like I would have been out of order to mention to her to stop leaving chewing gum stuck everywhere around the house where toddler DD can get it.

Like I would have been out of order to say anything to her about the awful things she says to me sometimes when we are alone.

I have to ignore her sneakily pinching dd because I've been made to feel I can't say fucking anything.

I'm trying, I really am. Every time I start to feel like things are going ok she does something sneaky like this that makes me wonder whether it's all in my head. Things dd wouldn't get away with I feel I can't say to her or DH and Mil think I'm evil for wanting to.

I even borrowed money from my mum to help get her a ps4 this year.

Most of the time she's lovely, it's just these little things that keep happening.

Am I a step monster?

Not the ow by the way. Met DH years after he was left by sd's mum.

I agree with you OP, I think it will take a lot more talking before he changes his behaviour towards you. I hope you have the energy because it's going to be a long, hard journey.

Prepare a phrase to use to remind next time. Say something like, 'Remember, we talked about this and we agreed that you were going to support me...' or whatever it is that you agreed with him.

Good luck.

Fairenuff that's pretty close to what we said so I think I will pinch that phrase!

EauPea that is somewhat scary. I must admit not long after dd was born I had this 'jolt' once when I'd walked in to the kitchen to get a drink.

Sd and dd were alone. I walked back in pretending I had forgotten something and Sd literally jumped back from dd's Moses basket. She went bright red and didn't speak to me for the rest of the night (Dad was at work).

I felt awful at the time and told myself I was being ridiculous, that she must have somehow known I hadn't really forgotten about a program I wanted to check was on.

Now with all the little incidences of cruelty since when I look back at that day I feel cold.

And then kick myself all over again for being silly.

It's so hard to tell what feelings are because of resentment over some of her behaviour towards dd and what is just me overreacting.

Hoesntly, I'd not trust her an inch. It sounds harsh and she is a child but she is clearly jealous and I wouldn't want to put how much to the test. EauPeas story is scary and horrifying. I wouldn't underestimate the power of a jealous SC.

Many SP threads seem to state that the new DM measuring her responses to her DSS/DSD on how kind or loving they are to the new little DCs (her and the DF).

Which is understandable - but also unfair imo. I was pretty horrible to my DSis (much younger) (not DSSis) (not cruel) - I wouldn't have wanted my DM love to be dependent on how kind and loving I was to her.

So the above attitude of how dare the little madam do such a thing are a very one sided. Siblings dont' always get on.

In this case obviously the little one cannot be allowed to be hurt. But why is the DSD doing it, does she see her getting lots of unconditional love? Does she see her getting more attention from the DSM. Is the switch from family to family each week difficult or traumatic. Has she been damaged by the relationship between her divorced parents.

My home life was unhappy due to DF drinking, DM was depressed, looking back, it wasn't talked about at all. There wasn't anywhere to express my sadness or anger at DF.

DSd isn't going anywhere, the best is to start with some expert advice and offer some support, in the form of counseling if she will agree to go, to try to make her a happier little girl with no wish to be cruel. DF need to sort himself out too - taking the easy option rather than solving things.
You could still be worrying about the problem for years to come.

little witch?

The problem is that her father isn't parenting her, not that she's witch. She is a child herself.

Any adult can see that the girl needs help. Yes, she shouldn't hurt her sibling and OP is absolutely right to insist that measures are put in place to deal with that.

But name-calling a child who obviously has a problem is just spiteful and immature.

I agree, this issue is going to become practically very difficult to manage once new baby is here. It will be a bit like the fox, the chicken and the bag of corn!!
Very stressful for OP, especially without DH fully onside.

This sounds like a silent crisis, to be honest.

If I was the OP, I would be absolutely terrified about how to ensure my toddler's safety with another child in the picture as well. The idea of having anyone in the house who would wish to harm my baby is chilling and completely unacceptable to me. I actually feel my blood pressure rising at the thought. I say that with full sympathy for the thirteen year old and all that she is going through. She is not evil but the lack of a united parenting front is facilitating behaviour that is evil, which is very sad for everyone and most especially her.

If my partner didn't trust me to be kind and fair towards his DD, I'm afraid that would strike at the heart of my marriage. Marriage is primarily about saying 'I trust you and admire your ability to love so much that I want to make myself completely vulnerable to you and have you as the person who will love our children'. Either he believes you are a sane, well-intentioned adult who he trusts and respects to tell him the truth and form a well considered view, or he does not. If he does believe this, you need to have a serious conversation about what's been going on and what it means for you all. If he doesn't, you have far bigger problems than this thirteen year old.

No partners are ever going to agree on everything in life, but how to raise one child and ensure the safety of the other children is pretty central to everything else, in my opinion. Presently, the family dynamic seems balanced on a knife edge. You can't even make a suggestion about when to leave the house. Yet it's a given that you will of course run her home. In a sense, your DP's presumption of guilt on your part and consequent resentment of you as a step-parent is extremely self-indulgent on his part, and polarising.

From time to time posters on here refer to miserable childhoods during which they lived in fear of an older sibling's bullying. Your child could very easily become one of these stories - please don't let it happen.

Would it be possible for your both to ask SD's mum if she can shed any light on how the child is finding life at your house? At the very least, surely she should know that her DD is showing signs of stress (which is what she's doing). If it was my child, I'd also be looking into both family and individual counselling. Your DP clearly has anxieties about his parenting that he needs to look at and consider how they are affecting his behaviour. Perhaps he and DD both need to say some things to each other. At some point, he needs to hear and accept your commitment to loving, liking and accepting his DD - as well as your refusal to allow bullying in your home from anyone, to anyone.

I'm not sure I wouldn't be adding marriage counselling to that list as well. If this drags on I'm not sure there will be a marriage left.

The problem is that her father isn't parenting her, not that she's witch. She is a child herself.

I wonder at what age on MN children are considered able to take responsibility for their own actions. 21?

Superb post from middlemarch

I really feel for you OP. I hope DSD improves her behaviour and attitude and DH supports you.

"...while it's ok for me to treat dsd as my own when it's the fun/happy family stuff I'm not allowed to treat her like I would dd if there is an issue."

Sounds exactly like how my Mum was with my half brothers. My Dad was happy to have someone raising his darling sons but only if it didn't involve disciplining them, in which case he would always side with them. My Mum eventually divorced the useless twat when I was 11 when she considered me old enough to cope with it (despite her being unhappy for many years). this then lead to many years of poverty, and a crap relationship with my dad that I suspect shaped my relationships with men ever since
Your DH is the main problem here and I so hope he realises this.

there is no excuse for a 13 yr old to hurt little ones

I absolutely agree.

I just think it's immature to call her names. She does need to accept responsibility but obviously hasn't been taught to do this. Her father is the person causing this behaviour and is the only one who can attempt to change it.

He is letting everyone down here. Everyone.

So it comes down to your DH trusting you to look after his children with you but not his child with someone else?

Have you asked him why he trusts you with two of his children but not the eldest?