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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with stepdaughter, DH thinks so.

217 replies

Munchkins1316 · 31/12/2015 19:05

All right, this is just a small thing but it's sort of the whole straw = camels back thing so bear with me.

I've had some expensive toiletries bought me for Christmas. I'm not a special snowflake but I have extremely sensitive skin and there is only one brand that fits in with my animal testing ethos AND doesn't leave me looking like a creature from Hellraiser.

My sister bought me a bottle of said favourite shower gel and some other bits for Christmas.

I had a lovely bath about an hour ago and then sd jumped in and ran one after me.

As a bit of background Sd knows she can ask me for anything she needs/wants and I've always given it to her. She is 13.

I've just been in the bathroom and my brand new, barely used by me shower gel has gone, all gone. It was filled with some water and shook to make it look full.

This upset me a) it was a Christmas present barely used b) Why didn't she ask me to use some c) why on earth use an ENTIRE bottle then fill it up with water to trick me!

If it had been Dd I would have gone mad but because it's dsd I have to walk on a tightrope.

I was going to say something along the lines of 'Dsd sweetie why didnt you ask to use my stuff, and why did you use a whole bottle'.

However upon mentioning I was a bit upset to DH when he came upstairs it transpires I am just being an evil stepmother. Apparently she wouldn't have known it was mine (despite it being in my cupboard and me being the only person ever in the house that uses said clearly different brand) and it's totally normal to use an entire bottle of shower gel.

I've just been made to feel out of order if I say anything.

Like I would have been out of order to mention to her to stop leaving chewing gum stuck everywhere around the house where toddler DD can get it.

Like I would have been out of order to say anything to her about the awful things she says to me sometimes when we are alone.

I have to ignore her sneakily pinching dd because I've been made to feel I can't say fucking anything.

I'm trying, I really am. Every time I start to feel like things are going ok she does something sneaky like this that makes me wonder whether it's all in my head. Things dd wouldn't get away with I feel I can't say to her or DH and Mil think I'm evil for wanting to.

I even borrowed money from my mum to help get her a ps4 this year.

Most of the time she's lovely, it's just these little things that keep happening.

Am I a step monster?

Not the ow by the way. Met DH years after he was left by sd's mum.

OP posts:
diddl · 31/12/2015 20:49

Well shower gel you usually squeeze out so hard to accidentally tip the whole lot in the bath I would think.

But deliberately pinching a toddler??

That is just nasty.

I don't think that she should get away with the shower gel just because she also does something worse, though.

Neither are acceptable!

carabos · 31/12/2015 20:49

Who died and left DH (and MiL) in charge? Why are you disempowered to the point where you can't protect your toddler? What are you afraid will happen? Time to put those big girl pants on, discipline DSD and tell the old man to get on board or ship out.

Fairenuff · 31/12/2015 20:49

I don't understand how you can allow your dh to get away with this though OP. Are you afraid of his reaction or what?

QuartzUcan · 31/12/2015 20:49

munchkins
I really hope you can sort this ... I have been following. And will continue to follow ...

Fairenuff · 31/12/2015 20:49

snap carabos

diddl · 31/12/2015 20:52

"The expectation from my mum or my gran s house, to then his or another one of girlfriends houses was so confusing it was untrue"

Yeah, but some things are just common sense-like not going into someone's wardrobe & taking something!

LookingForwardto2016 · 31/12/2015 20:54

Not being using shower gel doesnt mean somebody isnt welcome in a home

If it's about a stepchild and its on MN it absolutely does mean they aren't welcome! Grin

YANBU OP.

sleeponeday · 31/12/2015 20:55

The gel isn't such a huge issue. If my kid did that, they would have to replace it from pocket money - soon teach them respect for other people's property, that. The hiding what she did is more worrying, and the pinching a little toddler on the sly is really, really troubling, IMO. She's too old to be doing that to a child who is still pretty much a baby.

Strawberryfield12 · 31/12/2015 20:55

OP you sound like my sister about 10 years ago, with only difference she adopted DH son and daughter and they were living with them full time. She was often made into a monster stepmother by DH and MIL when DSis was trying to address issues of both kids behaviour, the older they both grew the more serious the issues became. DSis ended up not leaving her DS on his own with the oldest two because they were kicking and pinching him when nobody saw it, her husband was always turning the blind eye. You have probably guessed from the past tense I use, they are divorced for few years now and DS has refused to spend any time with his dad and siblings without DSis being around. I do really really hope this is not your case, but I believe you definitely have to put the foot down with your DH and make it clear that the double standards and ignoring Sd poor behaviour ends now. Take care of yourself and hope it all work out for you.

Pipbin · 31/12/2015 20:56

it wasn't in the bathroom, it was in my wardrobe in the bedroom. We have shelves in there for shoes that I use for my makeup toiletries etc

So it wasn't just a case of her picking up your stuff and not realising it was yours or accidentally dropping it.
I agree with you, it is the fact that she has purposefully used it all then tried to cover it up.

user838383 · 31/12/2015 20:59

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Strawberryfield12 · 31/12/2015 21:02

Oh yeah and DSis Sd has been sending her abusive texts after their separated with DH and eventually bragged about how she managed to break up her marriage with her nonstop nasties.

diddl · 31/12/2015 21:03

"I wouldn't let any great big 13 year old who has twice hurt a 2 yr old baby on purpose back through my door"

Maybe that's what she's hoping for!

Original poster
Munchkins1316 · 31/12/2015 21:04

Everything else I feel I can be assertive with unless it involves sd.

I realise that sounds odd. I've been told I'm being unfair or overreacting when I thought I wasn't that often now I'm second guessing myself all the time!

I really am starting to feel very resentful of DH. I'm going to wait until we have some time alone to thrash this out. Things seem to have escalated recently and I can't do this without any support from him.

That and the double standard are really making my tits itch!

Thank you everyone for letting me know I'm not completely batty and overreacting!

OP posts:
LookingForwardto2016 · 31/12/2015 21:04

Strawberry How old was her (ex)sd when she sent the abusive messages? She should have kept the messages and reported her for harassment.

LightDrizzle · 31/12/2015 21:09

YANBU but my rage would be reserved for DH. Her behaviour was way out of line and she should have been pulled up but she is 13 and most DCs would push boundaries, particularly if they know their step-mum is fair game because dad will always defend them.

I had this problem with my now husband and his daughter and it led to a disappointingly "polite" relationship between his daughter and I. It really upset me at times, the double standard for my daughter and his, his inability to see or countenance the possibility that she could occasionally be sneaky and manipulative. I think my daughter was pretty good and is now fabulous, but I was aware when she went through bitchy/sly stages. I envied couples in the same situation where there was the presumption of goodwill that enabled step-parent to reprimand as well as praise and love their step-children. My OH (only recently husband) readily - but usually appropriately calls out my daughter when she cocks up and also moans about her flaws to me, but always reacted very aggressively indeed to my rare tentative comments to or about his daughter (e.g. "Ooh you're chowing a bit DSD!" - in response to her pushing chips into her mouth with her fingers at the table opposite me and chewing, squelchily with her mouth wide open) I stopped trying early on but it was very damaging. I nearly ended the relationship after a family holiday to DisneyWorld where I overheard his daughter (then 8) goading my daughter (then 12) and being horrible, knowing that because my daughter was older she couldn't retaliate. My daughter was distraught and admitted it had been going on all holiday but she hadn't said anything because she didn't think we would believe her. I told my OH and his response was "DD isn't like that, she just wants everyone to get on".
That wasn't normal of his daughter, she usually idolised my DD, it was just a little phase, but it was clear there was one rule for her and another for my DD (my DD and my OH actually have a terrific relationship and love each other, she has said she wants him to give a speech at her wedding). The very sad irony is that his relationship with my DD is much better than his relationship with his own DD now.

Sorry for the ramble, this has brought it all back to me. We married in June and it wouldn't have happened 10 years ago when this dynamic was at its worst.

I hope you have better luck sorting this out than I did. I found it too hurtful and bottled it.

Original poster
Munchkins1316 · 31/12/2015 21:10

Owl I am sorry to hear that, I have been a pretty solid fixture in dsd's life since she was six, and she would never not get anything, that's awful! In fact I'm pretty sure she had more than all of us this year!

Strawberry sadly I can totally see why your sister had enough. I hope I can sort this out but tbh without DH's help I don't think I can.

OP posts:
user838383 · 31/12/2015 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Munchkins1316 · 31/12/2015 21:14

Light I can already feel that happening Sad

I was hoping we could have a close relationship all the way through and at times I see what it could become, then a little thing just makes me take a step back again.

It's so hard though to not let resentment creep in from how DH is handling things.

OP posts:
Strawberryfield12 · 31/12/2015 21:14

lookingforward she was 19. I got a feeling that DSis was so very over them three at the time she didn't care to waste more time on them, she moved on. She calmed down when realised she couldn't get to DSis with her crap.

diddl · 31/12/2015 21:16

When your own daughter is older, how would she feel to know that her sister is treated differently by her father & you are treayed shabbily by your step daughter (if still the case?)

I assume that he doesn't know about the pinching?

LookingForwardto2016 · 31/12/2015 21:17

Ah fair enough. She probably did the right thing tbh. Did you say she adopted her ex husband's kids when they were together? How did that affect things when they split?

Strawberryfield12 · 31/12/2015 21:23

When sd was 18 dsis offered to sign papers she didnt want to be her adopted daughter as their relationship was so bad, she happily did it, so legally they are not related anymore. With ss it is all hanging in air, he now lives with his father, they basically split boys in halves.

GreyBird84 · 31/12/2015 21:24

You sound lovely OP & really fair.

I have no answers but i really think your DH could do with adopting some of your reasonable & fair minding.

BathshebaDarkstone · 31/12/2015 21:24

I'm not a stepparent, DH is. If DD had done any of that he'd tell her off and I'd back him up. It sounds like she doesn't want you or her DSis.