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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with stepdaughter, DH thinks so.

217 replies

Munchkins1316 · 31/12/2015 19:05

All right, this is just a small thing but it's sort of the whole straw = camels back thing so bear with me.

I've had some expensive toiletries bought me for Christmas. I'm not a special snowflake but I have extremely sensitive skin and there is only one brand that fits in with my animal testing ethos AND doesn't leave me looking like a creature from Hellraiser.

My sister bought me a bottle of said favourite shower gel and some other bits for Christmas.

I had a lovely bath about an hour ago and then sd jumped in and ran one after me.

As a bit of background Sd knows she can ask me for anything she needs/wants and I've always given it to her. She is 13.

I've just been in the bathroom and my brand new, barely used by me shower gel has gone, all gone. It was filled with some water and shook to make it look full.

This upset me a) it was a Christmas present barely used b) Why didn't she ask me to use some c) why on earth use an ENTIRE bottle then fill it up with water to trick me!

If it had been Dd I would have gone mad but because it's dsd I have to walk on a tightrope.

I was going to say something along the lines of 'Dsd sweetie why didnt you ask to use my stuff, and why did you use a whole bottle'.

However upon mentioning I was a bit upset to DH when he came upstairs it transpires I am just being an evil stepmother. Apparently she wouldn't have known it was mine (despite it being in my cupboard and me being the only person ever in the house that uses said clearly different brand) and it's totally normal to use an entire bottle of shower gel.

I've just been made to feel out of order if I say anything.

Like I would have been out of order to mention to her to stop leaving chewing gum stuck everywhere around the house where toddler DD can get it.

Like I would have been out of order to say anything to her about the awful things she says to me sometimes when we are alone.

I have to ignore her sneakily pinching dd because I've been made to feel I can't say fucking anything.

I'm trying, I really am. Every time I start to feel like things are going ok she does something sneaky like this that makes me wonder whether it's all in my head. Things dd wouldn't get away with I feel I can't say to her or DH and Mil think I'm evil for wanting to.

I even borrowed money from my mum to help get her a ps4 this year.

Most of the time she's lovely, it's just these little things that keep happening.

Am I a step monster?

Not the ow by the way. Met DH years after he was left by sd's mum.

OP posts:
VintageDresses · 31/12/2015 19:23

If I was staying with family, I have to say I'd feel free to use whatever was in the bathroom and I'd certainly take that view of any family staying here (especially children) but it is odd to use the bottle and then fill it with water - she clearly knew she wasn't welcome to use it.

Is it possible it's the not feeling quite welcome that leads to this behaviour?

FloatIsRechargedNow · 31/12/2015 19:23

She is just being an annoying 13 year old girl, perfected over centuries to be as annoying as possible, I was one a few years ago myself and look back and would be very annoyed by me too. Don't take it personally, I'm sure she annoys her Mum even more.

Original poster
Munchkins1316 · 31/12/2015 19:24

I think now dsd is getting older he's worried she won't want to come if she is upset in anyway.

But then he has always been like this with her. One exception though, if HE is annoyed with her for something it's fine for him to say it.

Just not me, or anything that I've mentioned to him.

OP posts:
Cabawill · 31/12/2015 19:25

I used to do this to my dads girlfriend when I was about 11. Blush

I really hated her and blamed her for "stealing my dad away".

She always had lovely expensive brands and the easiest way I could get to her was to mess with them. I would mix her moisturiser with shampoo, squeeze copious amounts down the plug hole and all sorts.

What's your relationship normally like?

Original poster
Munchkins1316 · 31/12/2015 19:25

It wasn't in the bathroom.

It was in my bedroom wardrobe.

OP posts:
MrsUniverse · 31/12/2015 19:26

He's a Disney Dad. It's guilt because your DD has both parents and DSD has hers separated. It's also fear that if she has rules and boundaries she'll stop coming to see him. All the while you become resentful of the imbalance between kids and your powerlessness over DSD. He's shooting himself in the foot in the long run, not many women will stick around watching their children be treated as second best.

MrsJayy · 31/12/2015 19:26

Not being using shower gel doesnt mean somebody isnt welcome in a home

OddSocksHighHeels · 31/12/2015 19:27

Oh that's different then. Not that she was right to do any of it but I did wonder about the asking. I get you now.

Have you been able to ask her about what happened at all? If DH doesn't want you to then he has to. Otherwise she won't stop will she? She's still a child and she needs boundaries.

Youarentkiddingme · 31/12/2015 19:29

Of course she does unkind sneaky little things. Why would she stop when she gets away with it?
You don't need to do or say anything beyond - that was unkind using all my new shower gel - from now on I'll be locking my stuff away and we can shop for you to have a sg of your own.
When she pinches make a massive fuss over your DD.

You shouldn't have to "make an effort yo be a good SM". All you should be doing is treating DSD the same as your own children - just without making any monitor decisions on her parents behalf.

SanityClause · 31/12/2015 19:30

Why is your DH so loathe to reprimand his DD? Is he worried if he's not "Disney Dad" she won't want to see him?

Can you talk to him sensibly about this?

Chippednailvarnish · 31/12/2015 19:30

Your DSD isn't the problem, her Dad is. But you already know that.

Imnotaslimjim · 31/12/2015 19:31

Are you saying she went into your bedroom then into your wardrobe and took your shower gel?

What a spiteful little madam! There is no way she didn't do that on purpose. Personally I would accept that it would likely cause a row between me and dp and I'd bring it up with her, with or without his "permission". she needs to learn that it isn't acceptable to steal your stuff

honeyroar · 31/12/2015 19:32

I'm a stepmum too. Generally speaking I haven't had too many big issues with my DSS, but when there have been its not always been helped by my DH not doing anything about it, so I can empathise. I call it divorced dad syndrome, it's like they feel guilt for not being with their child full time so they're overly nice to them. It's not good for the child, it doesn't teach them how to behave. I've had a couple of bad rows with DH about it, even come to the point of saying I'd have to leave if I was always going to be ignored/last in the line in family matters (within our house). Thankfully my husband would take it onboard and we'd be a united front.

Original poster
Munchkins1316 · 31/12/2015 19:32

Can I would say our relationship is good generally.

We can talk easily, have a laugh etc. We hug and kiss every night before bed and I do love her.

Now I might get flamed for this but here goes...

Sometimes it's like a switch goes off in her. Especially if we are alone (I told DH once, he said I was making it up/exaggerating) She has mentioned my weight and compared it to her mums, she's said racist things to gauge my reactions I think.

But usually she is not like that at all. It's like a different girl! To be honest I can't really blame DH for not believing me.

I can understand that she will feel upset and jealous sometimes. She is a teenager, dd gets to see her Dad more etc.

But we have always I've felt made it very clear that this is her house and her family. I want dd and future ds (due in March 😊) and dsd to count themselves as brothers and sisters like I do with my half siblings.

I feel stuck.

OP posts:
Goingtobeawesome · 31/12/2015 19:32

Have you posted before about her taking your stuff? If not, there is someone else in the same boat so maybe you can help each other.

Your stepdaughter is very selfish and your husband needs to stop letting her get away with stuff. If you aren't allowed to treat her like your own then I wouldn't do anything parenting wise. Can't have it both ways.

Why is he such a Disney dad with the older child and a bully with the younger one?

bloodyteenagers · 31/12/2015 19:33

I would tell her off.
He doesn't like it, and? Someone has to tell her.
How spiteful to pinch a toddler. That alone would have telling her.

VintageDresses · 31/12/2015 19:33

Yes that is different, although it's DH you need to be cross with IMO, rather than a confused 13yo girl. Not that this 13yo girl is any more confused than any other, but it is an age of turmoil.

My Dad is a stoic and often unsympathetic 75yo of his generation IYSWIM, but often finds the need to remind me that it's hard being a teenager (I have teen boys). I imagine doubly hard when your parents aren't together, whatever the circumstances.

Original poster
Munchkins1316 · 31/12/2015 19:34

There are lots of shower gels etc. already in the bathroom.

It's just that mine tend to be large bottles so I keep them in the bedroom.

OP posts:
UndramaticPause · 31/12/2015 19:34

I'd expect my DC's stepmum to tell them off for that. She's done it on purpose at that age.

FlatOnTheHill · 31/12/2015 19:34

She should not have used all the shower gel and try to hide the fact with water. But It would not enter a 13 year olds head to notice you use a different brand. Its ridiculous to think she would.
What brand are we talking about here. Please tell OP its not a secret.
Chanel or Dove?

VintageDresses · 31/12/2015 19:34

Ah, another child due too. Doesn't excuse anything, but does explain a bit. Even full sibs can play up a bit when a new baby's on the way, couple that with normal teenage behaviour.....

littleleftie · 31/12/2015 19:35

This is all totally unacceptable and you know it.

She should not be sneaking through your stuff and taking it - that's stealing.

She shouldn't be pinching and hurting DD.

DH sounds spineless and like he couldn't give a shit.

I agree with Joffrey I wouldn't tolerate this, I would be off.

FlatOnTheHill · 31/12/2015 19:36

Sorry just re-read. Ok, why the hell was she going down your wardrobe

LyndaNotLinda · 31/12/2015 19:38

She's deliberately fucking with you. That's not okay and your DH needs to parent her adequately when she's in your house. It's your home and right now she's not treating it with any respect.

I would ask him if he'd tolerate it if it were anyone else. So take who it is out of the equation - it's not about her being your stepdaughter, it's about her treating your home (and you!) with respect

Original poster
Munchkins1316 · 31/12/2015 19:39

I am trying to be understanding.

A pp is correct above, I shouldn't really have to 'try'.

But I do have to, because while it's ok for me to treat dsd as my own when it's the fun/happy family stuff I'm not allowed to treat her like I would dd if there is an issue.

I'm upset and a little annoyed with sd.

My anger currently is reserved for DH.

OP posts: