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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with stepdaughter, DH thinks so.

217 replies

Munchkins1316 · 31/12/2015 19:05

All right, this is just a small thing but it's sort of the whole straw = camels back thing so bear with me.

I've had some expensive toiletries bought me for Christmas. I'm not a special snowflake but I have extremely sensitive skin and there is only one brand that fits in with my animal testing ethos AND doesn't leave me looking like a creature from Hellraiser.

My sister bought me a bottle of said favourite shower gel and some other bits for Christmas.

I had a lovely bath about an hour ago and then sd jumped in and ran one after me.

As a bit of background Sd knows she can ask me for anything she needs/wants and I've always given it to her. She is 13.

I've just been in the bathroom and my brand new, barely used by me shower gel has gone, all gone. It was filled with some water and shook to make it look full.

This upset me a) it was a Christmas present barely used b) Why didn't she ask me to use some c) why on earth use an ENTIRE bottle then fill it up with water to trick me!

If it had been Dd I would have gone mad but because it's dsd I have to walk on a tightrope.

I was going to say something along the lines of 'Dsd sweetie why didnt you ask to use my stuff, and why did you use a whole bottle'.

However upon mentioning I was a bit upset to DH when he came upstairs it transpires I am just being an evil stepmother. Apparently she wouldn't have known it was mine (despite it being in my cupboard and me being the only person ever in the house that uses said clearly different brand) and it's totally normal to use an entire bottle of shower gel.

I've just been made to feel out of order if I say anything.

Like I would have been out of order to mention to her to stop leaving chewing gum stuck everywhere around the house where toddler DD can get it.

Like I would have been out of order to say anything to her about the awful things she says to me sometimes when we are alone.

I have to ignore her sneakily pinching dd because I've been made to feel I can't say fucking anything.

I'm trying, I really am. Every time I start to feel like things are going ok she does something sneaky like this that makes me wonder whether it's all in my head. Things dd wouldn't get away with I feel I can't say to her or DH and Mil think I'm evil for wanting to.

I even borrowed money from my mum to help get her a ps4 this year.

Most of the time she's lovely, it's just these little things that keep happening.

Am I a step monster?

Not the ow by the way. Met DH years after he was left by sd's mum.

OP posts:
WitchWay · 31/12/2015 19:39

Very unreasonable of her & especially of your DH. He should be sitting next to you, supporting you, while you talk to her about this, and backing you up with any sanctions.

Chippednailvarnish · 31/12/2015 19:41

To be honest I can't really blame DH for not believing me

Why are you making excuses for him? You really need to get him onside before you have your next child or things are only going to get a lot worse.

Vanderwaals · 31/12/2015 19:42

Yanbu, it's completely wrong you're not allowed to discipline her when she pinches your baby! I would shout at a stranger for that. Or that he won't back you up.
She will be nicking your makeup next.
Sorry but you're going to have to hide things like that from her in the future.

UndramaticPause · 31/12/2015 19:42

Tell her off. She's in YOUR home under your roof so lives by your rules you set down for all other children under it.

Show her where the boundaries are seeing as her father is abdicating all responsibility

Fairenuff · 31/12/2015 19:44

It's not her though is it, it's your dh that's saying you're 'not allowed' to complain etc. isn't it? Confused

IguanaTail · 31/12/2015 19:44

Her dad should be speaking to her about this or backing you up if you do. Taking something out your wardrobe is really not on. Why can't you tell her that? I'd bet my whole mortgage that she wouldn't be too happy about you rifling through her things and using them all up and then filling them with water to make out you hadn't. It's deceitful. She should pay to replace that bubble bath.

coconutpie · 31/12/2015 19:45

I'm actually infuriated on your behalf. You think you have to allow her to get away with pinching your toddler? WTAF? Angry Fuck that shit. You need to discipline her, not ignore this. Your poor baby Sad As for your shower gel, it's obvious she emptied it all down the drain.

Your DH needs to cop the fuck on. Reading about how he criticises an innocent toddler (who doesn't know any better) and then allows his teenage daughter to behave like a spoiled nasty brat is completely unacceptable. I would not put up with that shit. And if he thinks it is ok for her to pinch a baby then I would be packing his bags and telling him he can fuck off and live elsewhere with his bratty kid.

You need to speak to him about this now and this behaviour needs to be stopped.

coconutpie · 31/12/2015 19:45

Oh and she needs to pay to replace your toiletries.

FlatOnTheHill · 31/12/2015 19:46

Hold on, ive just re-read AGAIN
On the thread you say you went into the bathroom and

Quote
Ive just been in the bathroom and my brand new barely used shower gel is gone, all gone
Unquote

Then a few comments up you say to Oddsocks it wasnt in the bathroom it was in your bedroom.
Make your mind up OP. Did you leave it in the bathroom or bedroom Hmm
Wondering if the DSD is so bad after all

Owllady · 31/12/2015 19:47

I don't think she is being intentionally horrible. Do you think she is? And if so, why?
Both my teenagers are nightmares tbh to just using whatever is in the bathroom and I used to do the same at my dad's house really.
This kind of thing used to make my teenage life a misery and none of it was ever intentional

VintageDresses · 31/12/2015 19:48

I think, FlatOntheHill, that DSD probably left the used bottle in the bathroom, having taken it from the bedroom.

Owllady · 31/12/2015 19:48

She's thirteen, she's still a child
Honestly, some of you aren't mature enough to have children

Chasingsquirrels · 31/12/2015 19:49

Of course a 13yo is capable of noticing what brand, my 9 and 13yo boys would know not to use my stuff and recognise it as being different - but this bottle was put away in a cupboard in the OP's bedroom!
If my 13yo did this, took it specifically from a cupboard in my room, used or poured away a full botte and then tried to disguise the fact by filling it up he would be paying for a replacement bottle.

Owllady · 31/12/2015 19:50

I know none of the backstory, there is bound to be one!

LordPeterWimsey · 31/12/2015 19:50

FFS, Flat, it's obvious, the OP picked up the shower gel and went into the bathroom with it, and realised when she tried to use it that it had been replaced with water.

UndramaticPause · 31/12/2015 19:51

13 year olds are usually horrors. I've rarely met a 13 year old who wasn't a sulky mardy world hating individual

Furiosa · 31/12/2015 19:51

FlatOnTheHill she does say it's completely empty/full of water though

Fairenuff · 31/12/2015 19:53

What is wrong with your dh OP, why won't he parent his child?

Chasingsquirrels · 31/12/2015 19:54

My 13yo certainly can be, and at other times he is a skippy happy little boy, but regardless of his temperament there are always consequences to his actions.

Salmotrutta · 31/12/2015 19:59

FlatonTheHill - my assumption was that the girl had taken the gel, poured it down the drain/used it all up but had forgotten to return it to OPs personal collection.

AyeAmarok · 31/12/2015 20:00

Your DH needs to replace it for you.

I would have a word with her, just ask her why. What happened? Did she do it by accident and then panic and try to cover it up?

Your DH is an inadequate parent to her by the sounds of things.

YADNBU.

ImperialBlether · 31/12/2015 20:04

FlatOnTheHill, you sound deranged there. Do you think you're Lord Peter Wimsey or something? It's pretty obvious her stepdaughter took the bottle from the wardrobe and left it, empty, in the bathroom.

OP, in your position I would record your daughter when she starts to talk to you like that. Tell her, if she asks, what you're doing.

Your husband sounds like a real problem. He's ruining his daughter by his actions and if he's not careful his younger daughter will grow up knowing she's not as important to him.

y0rkier0se · 31/12/2015 20:05

From another perspective, I would sometimes secretly use my stepmums makeup Blush not because I wanted to waste it or anything but because she had lovely stuff. It wasn't meant nastily or anything I just always liked her makeup it was expensive stuff and I thought it'd make me look grown up compared to my crappy makeup. I always tried to put it back exactly where I found it but they must've known in hindsight. Neither my dad nor stepmum ever commented on it though.

Original poster
Munchkins1316 · 31/12/2015 20:09

Yes that's correct.

Shower gel was in my wardrobe, I put it back there after having a bath myself.

After sd had a bath my shower gel was in the bathroom, full of water, but shook up so that it had coloured the water if you what I mean?

Sd has only pinched her twice that I know of, too many times still I know.

The first time I told her not to do that, why had she done it? She said she hadn't and blanked me. DH said I must have made a mistake.

The second time she did it I said I saw that and took dd out. I don't leave them alone at any point unless another adult is in the room now.

DH seems to think I have a vendetta against sd. He is giving me the silent treatment at the minute.

I could understand if I was some ogre ffs. But unless I am seriously deluded I'm fairly sure I'm not. I was raised in an angry household. I take care never to scream or have that 'nasty' edge in my voice.

Obviously I'm human and I get annoyed, but I wouldn't try to tell off a child without there being a reason too!

Sorry just wound up at the minute.

OP posts:
VintageDresses · 31/12/2015 20:09

I used to use my mum's stuff sometimes, just because it felt daring and I was a bit bored.

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