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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be pissed off with stepdaughter, DH thinks so.

217 replies

Munchkins1316 · 31/12/2015 19:05

All right, this is just a small thing but it's sort of the whole straw = camels back thing so bear with me.

I've had some expensive toiletries bought me for Christmas. I'm not a special snowflake but I have extremely sensitive skin and there is only one brand that fits in with my animal testing ethos AND doesn't leave me looking like a creature from Hellraiser.

My sister bought me a bottle of said favourite shower gel and some other bits for Christmas.

I had a lovely bath about an hour ago and then sd jumped in and ran one after me.

As a bit of background Sd knows she can ask me for anything she needs/wants and I've always given it to her. She is 13.

I've just been in the bathroom and my brand new, barely used by me shower gel has gone, all gone. It was filled with some water and shook to make it look full.

This upset me a) it was a Christmas present barely used b) Why didn't she ask me to use some c) why on earth use an ENTIRE bottle then fill it up with water to trick me!

If it had been Dd I would have gone mad but because it's dsd I have to walk on a tightrope.

I was going to say something along the lines of 'Dsd sweetie why didnt you ask to use my stuff, and why did you use a whole bottle'.

However upon mentioning I was a bit upset to DH when he came upstairs it transpires I am just being an evil stepmother. Apparently she wouldn't have known it was mine (despite it being in my cupboard and me being the only person ever in the house that uses said clearly different brand) and it's totally normal to use an entire bottle of shower gel.

I've just been made to feel out of order if I say anything.

Like I would have been out of order to mention to her to stop leaving chewing gum stuck everywhere around the house where toddler DD can get it.

Like I would have been out of order to say anything to her about the awful things she says to me sometimes when we are alone.

I have to ignore her sneakily pinching dd because I've been made to feel I can't say fucking anything.

I'm trying, I really am. Every time I start to feel like things are going ok she does something sneaky like this that makes me wonder whether it's all in my head. Things dd wouldn't get away with I feel I can't say to her or DH and Mil think I'm evil for wanting to.

I even borrowed money from my mum to help get her a ps4 this year.

Most of the time she's lovely, it's just these little things that keep happening.

Am I a step monster?

Not the ow by the way. Met DH years after he was left by sd's mum.

OP posts:
LookingForwardto2016 · 31/12/2015 21:25

Ah I didn't know you could "un-adopt". I don't blame your sister though.

peggyundercrackers · 31/12/2015 21:26

Sounds like it was done deliberately but I think I would cut her some slack because it is only shower gel

I think your bigger issue is your DH - he would be getting a rocket up his Arse and would be put straight, it's nonsense you dsd gets away with the other things and because no one tells her off she will continue doing it with her behaviour possibly getting worse. sorry but if he didn't agree he would be shown the door.

ohtheholidays · 31/12/2015 21:27

Fuck me I can't get past the she pinches my DD.

What the fuck is your husband thinking?I would have gone bloody nuclear if any of my 5 children did that to each other and 2 of our children are autistic OP and the youngest is 8 and they still wouldn't think that was a normal thing to do.

Letting all that stuff slide is not your husband doing his daughter a favour he's doing her a disservice!What if she goes and does that to someone outside of the family,she's 13 not 3 it's not normal behavior at that age.

That on top of the way she's spoken to you,stealing something she knows is yours and then trying to hide the fact and the chewing gum,it's not good and if your husband can't or won't see it then that's his problem OP,you need to be able to speak your own mind in your own home and you need to be able to stick up for your own DD.

coconutpie · 31/12/2015 21:40

OP, just saw your post where you say you're expecting in a few months. You need to sort this out now. In a few months you'll be busy with a newborn, dealing with exhaustion and hormones (as you already know since you already have one DC) and you do not need this crap with your DH in the mix also. What your DSD doing is horrible - the shower gel is one thing but the leaving hazards around the house and pinching is an entirely other story. Just go ahead and confront her. And to hell with what your DH says.

Serioussteve · 31/12/2015 21:46

It's the deceit around the shower gel, lack of respect for your boundaries through entering your bedroom and rummaging through your things.

Your DHs attitude to the pinching is most concerning, and a red flag. What if DSD escalates? What if she becomes vitriolic towards your newborn? His attitude is shambolic and walking away from the relationship should be in the back of your mind.

FelicityFunknickle · 31/12/2015 22:09

How do you know dsd has been pinching your dd?

MySordidCakeSecret · 31/12/2015 22:20

why are you putting up with her pinching your dd Hmm that's unacceptable.

Strawberryfield12 · 31/12/2015 22:23

They are not living in UK, so maybe its a different order. But apparently once adopted child is adult age he/she can refuse and if both parties reach agreement, the court proclaims adoption non existant.

SquinkiesRule · 31/12/2015 22:27

Maybe with it being a new year, you can talk to Dh about having new family house rules that include no hurting littler kids, no using other peoples products without asking first, no double standards etc etc etc
Your Dh is the problem. He needs to agree to you being able to pull up Dsd on anything that Dd would be pulled up on.
He is going to end up with another broken family on his hands and more visiting for the weekend kids.
He needs to get a grip and parent properly.
Oh and I'd rip him a new one if he told of a 2 year old for something he allows his older Dd to do. Hypocrite.

Alconleigh · 31/12/2015 22:28

He feels guilty about a failed relationship. But facilitating a horror brat will not help. Nip it now.

MiscellaneousAssortment · 31/12/2015 22:39

Yes OP, I agree with keeping the anger for your partner. He sounds rubbish and revoltingly weak - ugh.

Hope you can start him off then he can get his behaviour under control by the time you have your next child. He's not being a good father.

Inertia · 31/12/2015 22:46

You don't need your DH's permission to talk to your stepdaughter. The shower gel is annoying, but pinching a toddler is absolutely unacceptable. You have to have words, because DH won't.

(BTW I am a stepchild - my stepmother would absolutely not have tolerated behaviour like your stepdaughter's, and if my Dad didn't deal with it she would. I am very close to my stepmother.)

UkmmTheSecond · 31/12/2015 23:36

It's just all these double standards I haven't really noticed until dd got older. Now it's driving me crazy!

As your dd gets older she will notice it too. She will see her dad allowing her sister to do things she gets telling off for, it could make her feel less loved, could cause jealousy, resentment, maybe even towards you for allowing it.

Your not unreasonable at all, dh should have the same rules for all of his children, not just some. Hope you get through to him Flowers

Griphook · 01/01/2016 00:54

Hi op, step parenting is the hardest thing to get right. I'm going to suggest you don't tackle dsd just yet and tackle you dh instead.
The resentment will just fester until you can no longer be bother to deal with the situation and walk away from the family. ( I no longer have contact with my ss, I often wonder how much the 'disney dad' style of always minimising behaviour and dealing with behaviour head on had to play in the out come who knows) But it's impossible to be included one minute and then not included the next and to be told you are being unfair on dsd. You end up feeling unsure of yourself and what's acceptable.
To avoid the atmosphere i distance myself from the people involved,
And now the relationship is non existent.

Griphook · 01/01/2016 00:57

Also the not leaving them together with a newborn becomes impossible If dh isn't on board

scarlets · 01/01/2016 01:13

Pinching? At 13? That's very odd. Your DH needs to sort this mess out.

oneowlgirl · 01/01/2016 01:14

I'm not part of a step family, so apologies for offering my opinion, but it always astounds me on here, the no of women who put up with being treated like complete shit when it comes to step children.

She's out of order & nasty - why are you putting up with that. LTB screams out loud here.

Jux · 01/01/2016 02:32

I think you need a serious talk with your dh, so he understands exactly how his favouritism is making you feel; you will also have to think about what the longer term effects are likely to be on your dd. She can already see that she herself has to behave in one way and that dsd doesn't.....

I do think you need to tackle dsd about her waste of your gel. In my house, if dd had done that, she'd be replacing it using her pocket money (though in truth I would probably only take one week's worth and let her off the rest).

She is being set up atm, as neither of you are parenting her. That's your dh's fault, not yours, but you should put a stop to it as soon as you can.o

FelicityFunknickle · 01/01/2016 06:55

Sorry, just looking for some clarity as I think it might help shape your solution
I've been made to feel I have to ignore her sneakily pinching dd...
Do you see her pinching? How hard? Is it leaving a mark? What is the context? Does your Dh know? And if so, how? Or is he oblivious.
Like others I think pinching a toddler is pretty unusual and behaviour from a 13 yo towards a toddler.
What does she say to you when you're alone together? When did these difficulties start?
YANBU to address these issues. YANBU to expect your dh to address them too.

FelicityFunknickle · 01/01/2016 06:57

Yy Jux

KERALA1 · 01/01/2016 07:23

Op clearly states that she witnessed the pinching.

NotTodayZurg · 01/01/2016 07:26

I She's obviously emptied it on purpose. I'd be telling her she needs to replace it using her xmas money/chore money within the next few days or that PS4 is going back!

Pseudo341 · 01/01/2016 07:40

Pregnant or not I'd be seriously reconsidering my relationship with DH in your position. He doesn't believe you when you tell him what she says when he's not around? Where the fuck does he get off accusing you of lying? You do not need his permission to lay down the law with DSD while she's under your roof. Your first priority has to be as a mother, to DSD as well as to your biological children, she needs boundaries and they need protection. I can't believe he's giving you the silent treatment for daring to object to DSD's spiteful behaviour. I'd wait until she's gone home and then have very stern words with him. How many more years do you plan on putting up with this for?

FelicityFunknickle · 01/01/2016 07:44

Ok. Sorry. I missed that entire post KERALA
well, something is going on for this 13 yo. It is quite troubling that she has pinced her toddler half sister, more than once.
On seeing something like that trust your instincts. Point it out, tell her it's not on, and give her a consequence (loss of a privilege or some such).
if your dh makes that increasingly difficult for you then you have other things to consider about your family.
Your toddler deserves to be safe and treated fairly, your dsd deserves to have someone intersted in what is troubling her and you deserve to be able to be settled in your own home.

FelicityFunknickle · 01/01/2016 07:46

Yes. Serious talk with this man needed.
What's his ex like? (Or have I missed that information too) Blush