To be pissed off with stepdaughter, DH thinks so.

[Munchkins1316]

All right, this is just a small thing but it's sort of the whole straw = camels back thing so bear with me.

I've had some expensive toiletries bought me for Christmas. I'm not a special snowflake but I have extremely sensitive skin and there is only one brand that fits in with my animal testing ethos AND doesn't leave me looking like a creature from Hellraiser.

My sister bought me a bottle of said favourite shower gel and some other bits for Christmas.

I had a lovely bath about an hour ago and then sd jumped in and ran one after me.

As a bit of background Sd knows she can ask me for anything she needs/wants and I've always given it to her. She is 13.

I've just been in the bathroom and my brand new, barely used by me shower gel has gone, all gone. It was filled with some water and shook to make it look full.

This upset me a) it was a Christmas present barely used b) Why didn't she ask me to use some c) why on earth use an ENTIRE bottle then fill it up with water to trick me!

If it had been Dd I would have gone mad but because it's dsd I have to walk on a tightrope.

I was going to say something along the lines of 'Dsd sweetie why didnt you ask to use my stuff, and why did you use a whole bottle'.

However upon mentioning I was a bit upset to DH when he came upstairs it transpires I am just being an evil stepmother. Apparently she wouldn't have known it was mine (despite it being in my cupboard and me being the only person ever in the house that uses said clearly different brand) and it's totally normal to use an entire bottle of shower gel.

I've just been made to feel out of order if I say anything.

Like I would have been out of order to mention to her to stop leaving chewing gum stuck everywhere around the house where toddler DD can get it.

Like I would have been out of order to say anything to her about the awful things she says to me sometimes when we are alone.

I have to ignore her sneakily pinching dd because I've been made to feel I can't say fucking anything.

I'm trying, I really am. Every time I start to feel like things are going ok she does something sneaky like this that makes me wonder whether it's all in my head. Things dd wouldn't get away with I feel I can't say to her or DH and Mil think I'm evil for wanting to.

I even borrowed money from my mum to help get her a ps4 this year.

Most of the time she's lovely, it's just these little things that keep happening.

Am I a step monster?

Not the ow by the way. Met DH years after he was left by sd's mum.

Is he prioritising her over your dd? Or is he just being difficult to get at you?
What is he like with your dd?

If you're the only driver surely it's up to you when you go?

I expect sd to push boundaries, she is a teenager. But it's DH's reaction to the suggestion that we should probably let her know where the firm boundaries are that angers me.

The pinching is I think a result of jealousy and I will be keeping a very close eye on it.

What I/we do will be depending on what DH says when we talk tomorrow.

Felicity I'm not sure anymore.

I would t have said he was spiteful like that but at the minute it seems anything goes!

Well, have a talk. You're not in the wrong and you could well work this out together. Good luck.

Fucking hell.

He's lost the plot. I mean, seriously lost the plot. What a total and utter drama queen. And he's doing and saying everything he can to twist reality into his ridiculous, inaccurate perception - it's all in his own mind.

I think it's pretty conclusive that Yanbu. You might want to have a think about whether you might want to get this thread moved to relationships for longer term support.

Honestly, he sounds guilty. Sounds like he feels bad that he's had a second child at all, let alone with such high needs (I do get it, DS is also autistic) and he is overcompensating.

When I was pregnant with DD I felt really guilty - that it would take away from DS, that he and I wouldn't be as close, and so on. I can only imagine that having a second when the relationship with the first is complicated by a brutal divorce makes that worse, and then when the second is high needs in some way... I am not excusing him; he is letting both girls down as well as you. I am saying that he is behaving emotionally, not wisely, and that you may need to approach it that way.

Is he very prone to sticking to a chosen path, and retaining a mindset way past the point it's not very logical, not because he's not very intelligent and very kind, but because he finds change hard, by any chance? Autism is a spectrum and it does tend to run in families, and some traits tend to pop up in parents who are themselves neurotypical.

I would also suggest that his dd may be suffering from a lot of complicated emotions around being the sibling of a disabled child. Having an autistic sibling is no walk in the park - I say that as someone who has one, and I at least was a younger child, and it was just part of life as I knew it, not a sudden development as I entered secondary school. Inevitably, your time and focus and energy where she is concerned has had to drastically reduce, even more than it would for any new baby. That's a hard adjustment for any sib, but for a stepsib it may be harder. Worth thinking about, at least, perhaps. She may need support herself - there are organisations, I understand, for sibs in that situation these days (DD is a toddler, and DS worships her, so all is okay atm, so I have no direct experience. Yet!).

She's 13 not 3. She is certainly messing with you all, you especially and doing a great job by the sounds of it.

YANBU to ask her what happened to shower gel, and tell her it's out of order.

But I agree your big problem is your DH.

Good post sleep

I feel for you OP. I'm not a step parent but my DH is to my eldest DD (7) and I can tell that he is sometimes at odds with himself when it comes to discipline but I am always 100% behind him and we are always on the same page with regards to what behaviour is expected etc. I knew that DD dad is very lax with discipline though, she goes every other weekend and when she comes back she is defiant, cheeky and just really hard work in general. I really think he is setting himself up for a fall when she becomes a teen but in turn that will make my life harder too.

Shower gel would really annoy me especially since it was in your room and to me it seems malicious, how big a bottle? Even if she had dropped it would it have been possible for the whole lot to come out? When my DDs become teens there will be a lock going on my door, I know people might think I'm being precious or nasty but the way I see it I work very hard and like to buy myself nice perfume/shower smellies/make up. No way am I having thoughtless teens using it willy nilly. They can buy whatever they like with pocket money/job money and of course things can go in the trolley within reason.

The nipping must stop, soon you'll have a newborn and will find it more difficult to keep everyone separated. I know some of this is going to be typical teen behaviour but maliciousness, nipping and racist comments are not on!

If DH can't drive then you need to do the journey to fit the whole family , or he can take her on the bus. If your younger child has autism then there is very little room for flexibility.

Thinking more about the shower gel being put away - many people put away stuff in their wardrobes which isn't appropriate for children to find. If your stepdaughter is going into your bedrooms and rooting through your stuff, then you really have no privacy and that's not acceptable.

It's maybe DH's fear that DSD will reduce visits making him be unreasonable. And he prob knows he is being unreasonable, hence being angry, and he can only be angry at you as he daren't be to DSD.

DSD is upset at whatever teenagers get upset about (everything) plus her DM might be saying/ have said things which encourages her to use your stuff. And causing friction between you and DH might be part of the aim of her behavior. She might be envious of your relationship with DH and also DDs so troublemaking is her response and demonstrates her power in the family dynamic.

I would stick some chewing gum to DH's best suit, or something that matters to him. Point out to him that the probs you have with a 13 year old are nothing to what you might have with a 16 year old and he is storing up trouble for the future unless he learns to work with you and discipline her properly.

Munchkins I have had years of this with my dh and unfortunately the consequence is that I have no relationship with my step children. Dh was always so afraid of displeasing them by telling them off for anything which involved me, in case they saw it as him 'siding with me over them', that over time it made me hugely resentful. Again, I was expected to cook for, clean and chauffeur around, but not allowed to tell them off as I would my own. Had my dh stood by me, I would probably have a relationship with them now. No, it wasn't their fault it was dh's, but they did take every opportunity to tell him if things didn't go their way, they would stop coming.

Someone unthread posted about how as a child, she felt her dad's girlfriend was trying to steal her dad. I know this sounds daft, but how is that different to a dad showing affection to a sibling? Why do kids feel so threatened by (usually) their dad's girlfriend?

Op your dh probably, like mine, has no idea of the potential damage to your family unit by not presenting a united front to your dsd. Of course she knew what she was doing, and I wouldn't be at all surprised if she was whispering in his ear about all sorts of perceived injustices, to make him act as he is.

Yes, she may well be telling him you're different behind his back too.

Not to defend her behaviour because it's horrid, but it must come from insecurity deep down.

Even though you've known her all these years, it must be a huge change going from "mum and dad" to "dad and stepmum" to "dad and stepmum and tiny baby they adore" to "dad, stepmum, toddler they adore, and another baby on the way".

This could be bollocks- but it just seems to me that stepdad's are generally more readily accepted by girls than are stepmothers, and seem to have an easier time of it. I'm just not sure why.

this is not ok , op and espec not ok for your 2yr old. Whose house is it? I 'd be making plans to get out of this sit as it will get worse.

OP I've rtft and really feel for you. What an awful situation your dh is putting you in. I'm afraid I don't have any advice wrt him, but I thought I would put forward my pov as the stepchild, in case it helps at all? My dad remarried and had another child, I was 12. All lovely, I was very happy. Then when I was 15 they had another child. I was not happy at all - there was something about them now having 2 children that made me feel totally shut out from the family unit. It massively affected me and I hadn't expected it to at all. So although what your dsd is doing is totally out of order, I'm sure it likely comes from an insecurity. But how you get your dh to support you so you can both help her get through these feelings, I don't know.

I hope your conversation went/goes well OP

Hoggle- I can understand how you felt, it just goes to show that on the outside 15 year olds may look mature, but they can still feel like a child. You probably wouldn't have felt like that had both parents been your natural parents. Step parenting is tough on so many levels- animals don't do it.

I think she knows exactly what she is doing and she is a spiteful madam I'd be picking up on, tough shit what your DH says. If any child (particularly of that age) pinched my young child I'd go apeshit. She knows what she is doing and I bet the chewing gum in deliberate as well, why leave it in such random places that are accessible to a toddler. She sou d's like she is jealous but she is behaving badly and if her useless father won't deal with it, you will have to. It's your home too and you have to protect your DD and future baby.

Some animals do step parent, but that's just me being pendantic.

My mistake then; I would imagine that's the exception rather than the rule

You'd be surprised, Hormonal. Many animals will behave to protect the herd/whatever collective noun. There are animals where the 'spinsters' stay at home to look after the children, or 'uncles' do the child care. You name it, the animal world has it!

As an update dh made all the right noises during the talk but part of me feels like the second dsd is back talk will be all it was.

Fingers crossed!

Munchkin You really need to find a way to get Dh on side and tackle this behaviour as sadly from experience, it will only get worse.

When Dd was about 3 weeks old we were all in the living room, Dh having a nap, Sd having a cuddle with baby sister, me dozing in and out.
I was woken up by Sd giggling, she had Dd under the arms, up level with her face and was giving her a jolt, so that her head snapped forward and back.
I went absolutely fucking beserk, shouted like no child should ever be shouted at Dh obviously woke up during the commotion and defended Sd, even though he had been asleep and had no idea what had happened.

There were further incidences of lying, stealing, Dd "accidentally" getting dropped in the sea face first and not immediately lifted out (by that I mean Sd smoothing down her own hair, looking around and then shitting herself as I came thundering over).

Dh obviously wanted to believe the best in his Dd and we actually separated for a while as I could not trust her, or sadly, trust myself to be civil around her.
Unfortunately she has shown her true colours to Dh (Daddy finally said no to a very unreasonable request) and they now have little contact (until she wants something).

There were obviously thousands far more incidents than I have mentioned, but I don't want to scare bore you.
Dh massively regrets playing the disney dad, realises now that he has done Sd no favours, but sadly it's too late.