To be pissed off with stepdaughter, DH thinks so.

[Munchkins1316]

All right, this is just a small thing but it's sort of the whole straw = camels back thing so bear with me.

I've had some expensive toiletries bought me for Christmas. I'm not a special snowflake but I have extremely sensitive skin and there is only one brand that fits in with my animal testing ethos AND doesn't leave me looking like a creature from Hellraiser.

My sister bought me a bottle of said favourite shower gel and some other bits for Christmas.

I had a lovely bath about an hour ago and then sd jumped in and ran one after me.

As a bit of background Sd knows she can ask me for anything she needs/wants and I've always given it to her. She is 13.

I've just been in the bathroom and my brand new, barely used by me shower gel has gone, all gone. It was filled with some water and shook to make it look full.

This upset me a) it was a Christmas present barely used b) Why didn't she ask me to use some c) why on earth use an ENTIRE bottle then fill it up with water to trick me!

If it had been Dd I would have gone mad but because it's dsd I have to walk on a tightrope.

I was going to say something along the lines of 'Dsd sweetie why didnt you ask to use my stuff, and why did you use a whole bottle'.

However upon mentioning I was a bit upset to DH when he came upstairs it transpires I am just being an evil stepmother. Apparently she wouldn't have known it was mine (despite it being in my cupboard and me being the only person ever in the house that uses said clearly different brand) and it's totally normal to use an entire bottle of shower gel.

I've just been made to feel out of order if I say anything.

Like I would have been out of order to mention to her to stop leaving chewing gum stuck everywhere around the house where toddler DD can get it.

Like I would have been out of order to say anything to her about the awful things she says to me sometimes when we are alone.

I have to ignore her sneakily pinching dd because I've been made to feel I can't say fucking anything.

I'm trying, I really am. Every time I start to feel like things are going ok she does something sneaky like this that makes me wonder whether it's all in my head. Things dd wouldn't get away with I feel I can't say to her or DH and Mil think I'm evil for wanting to.

I even borrowed money from my mum to help get her a ps4 this year.

Most of the time she's lovely, it's just these little things that keep happening.

Am I a step monster?

Not the ow by the way. Met DH years after he was left by sd's mum.

Op why don't you talk to the mother? Would this be a bad thing to do ?

I'm sorry all I was out today.

I witnessed the pinching. The first time I was stood in the kitchen and sd obviously thought I couldn't see them sitting in the living room.

The second time I may have been wrong but I don't think I was. A blanket was over both of their legs on the sofa. I saw sd's hand move under the blanket and dd started crying and said 'ouch!'.

As I said earlier I did say something both times but was made to feel I was overreacting or wrong, DH said sd would never do that...

Sd goes back home tomorrow. Will be having a huge talk with DH. I've already roped my mum in to babysitting for a few hours.

You're all right. He either starts behaving differently immediately or I'm done. Now I've started noticing it won't be long before sd was.

This is nothing like how it was in my blended families growing up I thought it would be easy to recreate that.

Unfortunately speaking to sd's mum is not an option. Even though she left DH years before I came along it is not a cordial relationship. Everything has to arranged via a third party since she assaulted DH, about six months in to our relationship.

It's possible sd's mum may not be helping. She once told her over the phone (it was on speaker and sd was 7 and at our house) that she should cut all my blonde hair off at night and make me look like a lion... That was a few years ago though, I'd imagine everyone's calmed down now.

The second time there was a little red mark on dd's little chubby leg. That's why I had to leave with dd that time, I was so furious.

The first time there wasn't.

I'm a SM and it's almost irrelevant that she is your DSD, I would go nuts at any DC doing that. It's what's called unacceptable behaviour. I try to treat DSS and DS the same as far as their age gap allows, perhaps it's easier for me as DSS lives with us 95% of the time. Try going nuts with her, rather than all the pandering and pussy footing. My DSS knows exactly when I mean business, based on volume and rage. My DS knows this too. I don't give a monkeys what DSS other family would think. Unacceptable behaviour needs to be vehemently acknowledged.

It's just never going to work without DH's support.

I'm getting increasingly anxious that that will probably never happen.

The shower gel thing is annoying and thoughtless but the pinching is awful.

My gran used to hurt my sister through pinching and hard "tickling" and DSis used to do it to me in turn (gran had died at this point, I'm the youngest). My mum minimised it and used to tell me off as she didn't want to upset my sister and knew about the gran thing.. I still remember and am upset by it now.

Maybe your DSD's Mum pinches her?

If it's in the bathroom then it's fair enough to use it. Using it all is not on though. Maybe it was an accident and she was too worried to tell you? How old is she?

She's 13 Ten.

It wasn't in the bathroom. It was in my bedroom.

I have D.SC. I would wait until everyone was together like at a meal and produce the bottle. I would say this bottle has been taken from my bedroom cupboard, emptied and filled with water. I consider this to be a spireful and dishonest thing to do. It will need to be replaced by the person responsible. I know who that person is.

I would then walk out and leave your DP to deal with it.

Good luck, OP. Really, really sorry you are in this position, and I hope DH steps up and starts looking after his eldest, because this is letting her down very badly, too.

And very, very glad you are willing to do what it takes to protect your 2 year old and the new baby. The pinching is genuinely disturbing.

Pinching that is hard enough to leave a mark on the skin is physical abuse.
I dont mean to sound alarmist but you are absolutely right to not tolerate this treatment of your dd.

Good luck with the talk op. I really hope he gets on board with it, I couldnt cope with being a stepmum if my dh didnt back me up. The sad thing is it shouldn't be left to you to discipline her. Her darling dad should be doing that.

If i had two children, with that age gap, and the older one hurt the younger in that way I would be concerned about them both I suppose.
I would worry about what was going on for the older one and I would try to get them to open up.
I would also make it absolutely clear that their behaviour was unacceptable and would not be tolerated.
If someone else's child hurt my little one I would make it absolutely clear that their behaviour was unacceptable and would not be tolerated.
in your Op you describe your relationship with her quite positively (apart from these incidents). It rally doesnt look like that. Either you're close enough to be able to deal with this as a "step"parent, or you can hand it over to the parent (obviously not happening so far) or, if it continues, you remove your child from the problem.

Oh ffs I'm getting really tired of everything I say getting taken out of hand!

Just asked what time we are dropping sd off at her nans tomorrow. Nan doesn't mind, sd doesn't mind she just said 'around tea time'

DH said 5.30pm.

I said can we possibly take her at 4 as dd has her bath at 6. Her routine is quite important (autism)

He went mad saying I just wanted to 'kick sd out sooner'

I've had it. I told him to stop being so fucking melodramatic.

I think he's still picking his jaw off the floor.

Why? Why does every little thing I say have to be dissected to fit the narrative that I for some unknown reason, by virtue of being a step mum, must hate a thirteen year old child!

I do see our relationship as largely positive, I know it seems odd.

It goes fine, and then something like this will rear its head every few months.

Maybe I'm still seeing it through the rise tinted specs of how close we were when she was younger, I don't know anymore.

Oh dear.

Just a small point, but why can't one of you take SD to her nans and the other do DDs bath?

The reason he is lashing out like this is because he knows he is wrong.

Do you both need to be there for the bath?
What is your dh like over other matters? Chiiled out? Or very keen on things being his way?

Dd will only get in the bath on my lap (really) and DH can't drive.

When is it good for you then?

He sounds like a PITA. Sorry.

It's taken us almost a year and a ton of work to get her in to the bath without meltdowns, the routine is a huge part of that.

I didn't get much sleep last night, I just saw it as him prioritising one over the other again so possibly out of order.

Sd genuinely doesn't care what time she goes back she said (she was out of the house when we had our little discussion)

Tell him he can take her at 5.30 but he will be walking/getting the bus.

Fuck him.

DH generally can be a bit high strung and a tad perfectionist. By usually is a pleasure to be around.

Through any actual or perceived slight or criticism of sd though and he appears to lose all power of reason.

I remember noticing as a teenager that my dad never told me off. It felt awful, like I wasn't his real daughter now my parents had split. I pushed quite a bit trying to get a reaction (often at my poor step mum). Nothing. To me it proved our relationship was fragile. If I'd had a half sister who he did properly parent that would have really dug the knife in.

From your perspective I think you're right to demand change. I think he needs to give it not just for your sake or dds but for SD too.

Little my feelings exactly!