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AIBU?

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Original poster

to not want my fil to stay over on new years eve

384 replies

chocoholic05 · 30/12/2015 20:12

My mil died earlier on in the year. My dh wants to invite my fil to stay tomorrow night and into new years day. In fact despite endless discussions with dh from a conversation with fil today it seems he has. I don't want him to. I would rather came for dinner on new years day and stay for tea as well. My reasons are we only have a small house so where would he sleep other than our living room? He never ever lies in no matter what time he goes to bed. He will bring his dog who is also an early riser. And he will expect us to get up. Alsothe dog smells really badly. I know that sounds horrible but it's absolutely true. Finally I like new year spent with my boys. Family games and dvds.He is only a ten minute drive away. But my dh said it's his first new year on his own.

OP posts:
InQuiteAChristmasPickle · 01/01/2016 13:10

Glad he had a lovely night, OP but he might as well have stopped over! Confused

He left at 12.15 and was coming round for lunch anyway - what difference would a few more hours have made?

Hope your FIL has a better 2016.

WillSomebodyThinkOfStefan · 01/01/2016 13:29

As long as you got your beauty sleep OP...

DoomGloomAndKaboom · 01/01/2016 14:16

Maybe he was grateful he was allowed over at all. Because you don't come across as warm and welcoming, OP.

LordBrightside · 01/01/2016 14:33

Good for you Choco. It's hard to understand how sleeping on a couch 10 mins from ones own bed would have been a benefit.

There's too much nonsense in the world as it is.

TheSecondViola · 01/01/2016 14:37

Yes, its incredibly hard to understand the difference for a bereaved old man between waking up alone in the house you used to share with your dead wife, and waking up in the house filled with your son and grandchildren and happy noises of family and life, on the first day of the year. ]

If you have neither empathy or imagination, that is. For regular people, its really quite easy to understand.

LordBrightside · 01/01/2016 14:46

People aren't stereotypes and I think a lot of people are projecting emotions which might not be there.

He has lived in that house for the last 6 months and I assume at Christmas so it sounds to me like other people making a meal of new year and linking it to increased grief rather than the old man himself.

New year itself is a meaningless load of nonsense anyway. It really is no different or more significant than most other days.

MoMoTy · 01/01/2016 15:02

Hope this comes back to your nasty self tenfold. All for a lie in an a bit of inconvenience. Your dh must be seeing you in a new light now.

TheSecondViola · 01/01/2016 15:12

New year itself is a meaningless load of nonsense anyway. It really is no different or more significant than most other days

to you. To other people it is.

And we know the old man wanted to stay because he had already accepted the offer. Its the OP who rescinded the invite.

Blu · 01/01/2016 15:28

If FIL had a lovely evening , and if DH stayed sober to drive him home after midnight, and he is back for a lovely dinner today that seems like a good result all round.

The abuse and OTT guilt tripping of the OP on this thread is quite shocking .

BifsWif · 01/01/2016 16:06

You are missing the point. Had the FIL not accepted the invitation to stay, I would agree that this was a good result and that he might have wanted to go home.

He wanted to stay. He accepted the invitation. The OP then retracted the invitation. That is what I find disgusting. To uninvite an older, recently bereaved relative.

Bing0wings · 01/01/2016 16:16

I really don't understand the level of bile on this thread. It's way over the top. I asked my widowed DM and she said that the nasty responses are way over the top.
OP, I think you have been more than nice enough. He was over for midnight on NYE and coming over today as well. He is lucky that he will be surrounded family on NYE and today.

Bing0wings · 01/01/2016 16:21

bifs OPs DH was trying to arrange a sleepover without discussing with OP first.
This also happened to me when FIL was widowed. I offered to let FIL stay over a lot when DSMIL passed away. I felt sorry for him. I was commuting, shopping, cooking, clearing up after both of them for weeks and then DH kept telling him to come when ever he wants and that he'd give him the key (to my house not DHs). A line has be drawn and these things need to be discussed first before offering.

BifsWif · 01/01/2016 16:32

So, if your DH had lost his mum and invited his dad to stay the night on NYE, would you uninvite him, or would you suck it up to make an old man happy and have a quiet word with your DH after the event?

Bing0wings · 01/01/2016 16:46

biffs it depends. If he lived 10 mins down the road and expected to bring his dog for the night as well, yes i would. My DH told me and his F that his F should be at the hospital when his grandchildren are being born cos he's recently widowed and needs to be there to bond with them. Way over the top!!!!

BifsWif · 01/01/2016 16:47

Completely agree that that's over the top and lines need to be drawn, but I really think the OP could have put herself out for one night.

ADishBestEatenCold · 01/01/2016 16:58

"My fil came over last night. We played family games and saw the new year in together. He stayed til about 1215 and my husband dropped him home. He's coming round again any minute for lunch and tea. He said more than once that he'd had a lovely evening. We all did"

Maybe those couple of lines make you feel better about yourself, chocoholic05.

If they do, I think you are self-delusional as well as lacking in empathy.

Devora · 01/01/2016 17:08

What a completely bizarre thread. It's like the 3 minute hate thing from 1984.

ADishBestEatenCold · 01/01/2016 17:25

Think that was two minutes, Devora. Do you think posters are being brainwashed into a collective response, rather than responding with their own opinions?

I agree ... that would be bizarre.

inlectorecumbit · 01/01/2016 17:33

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

baublesbells · 01/01/2016 17:35

I find the hate here disturbing Hmm

Devora · 01/01/2016 17:40

I think they're whipping each other up, Dish. Giving each other implicit permission to froth up from 'I think you could put yourself out on this occasion, actually' to 'disgusting heartless bitch'.

baublesbells · 01/01/2016 17:40

inlectore I have reported your post for calling the op a disgusting heartless bitch. Totally unnecessary

LittleLionMansMummy · 01/01/2016 17:49

Op I fundamentally disagree with your stance and think you could/ should have put yourself out for one night out of 365. It's not much to ask. My parents and aunt all stopped at ours last night and even though dh gets a bit fed up with the bedroom/ bathroom doors being banged open and shut several times over throughout the night, he made them feel welcome rather than an inconvenience. Because this is family and it is just one night a year, season of good will and festivities etc. And that's even without the issue of bereavement hanging over them. We put up with the foibles of each of our respective families, for each other. How does your dh feel about this? You seem only to be thinking of your own wants/ needs.

But the level of name calling on here is disproportionate and nothing more than a bullying mentality.

MNHQ
IonaMumsnet · 01/01/2016 17:50

Hi folks. Just popping by with a reminder that we don't allow personal attacks on the talk boards. Opinions are always welcome but we'll delete any name-calling and the like.

Bing0wings · 01/01/2016 18:13

Sorry biffs I meant I would not suck it up no. But that's after years of not being consulted by H and sucking it up and being very accommodating with him and his family. I honestly think it was nice of her to have him over for NYE, drive him home and also have him over on NYE. If only my BIL/SIL would do even a quarter of that!!! 'totally heartless' behaviour is when someone who fails to invite/visit the person over on ANY important days ever, doesn't attend a funeral, doesn't visit dying person at hospital, books jolly trip away on one year death anniversary leaving grieving person alone and feeling unsupported. Yes I have seen this! So this in my experience is pretty good. Only couldn't stay overnight with a dog, when leaving 10 mins away.

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