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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

to not want my fil to stay over on new years eve

384 replies

chocoholic05 · 30/12/2015 20:12

My mil died earlier on in the year. My dh wants to invite my fil to stay tomorrow night and into new years day. In fact despite endless discussions with dh from a conversation with fil today it seems he has. I don't want him to. I would rather came for dinner on new years day and stay for tea as well. My reasons are we only have a small house so where would he sleep other than our living room? He never ever lies in no matter what time he goes to bed. He will bring his dog who is also an early riser. And he will expect us to get up. Alsothe dog smells really badly. I know that sounds horrible but it's absolutely true. Finally I like new year spent with my boys. Family games and dvds.He is only a ten minute drive away. But my dh said it's his first new year on his own.

OP posts:
ladymariner · 31/12/2015 00:24

You don't like them that's your choice.
But I am seriously pissed off at repeating my choices/ decisions.

Well shut the fuck up then, nobody's interested in you.

Lostmyxmasspirit · 31/12/2015 00:24

Well I think all these replies show what a nasty inconsiderate twat you are being. Your MIL is probably turning in her grave God bless her

Supermanspants · 31/12/2015 00:25

But I am seriously pissed off at repeating my choices/ decisions
Clearly not enough given that you keep posting the same bullshit drivel Hmm

shazzarooney99 · 31/12/2015 00:34

IamtheZombie, your an amazing person, it was your other half that was a tit xxxxxxxxxxxx keep strong xxxxxxxx

MiscellaneousAssortment · 31/12/2015 00:49

Death and grief are socially embarrassing.

Makes people behave in disgusting selfish ways.

Salmotrutta · 31/12/2015 01:16

I think I've read it all now on here.

YABU about this OP.

And selfish and uncaring to boot.

Model some decent behaviour to your DC ffs and show them care and compassion towards their Grandad.

imnottoofussed · 31/12/2015 01:25

I think thats overwhelmingly YABUHmm

passmethewineplease · 31/12/2015 01:30

YABU. Wildly.

It's one night, if you can't put yourself out for one night for the sake of someone else, someone who is clearly struggling then you're a dick. It won't hurt you. Get over yourself and do the right thing.

Jane - no words accept are you the militant dummy hater? Your name rings an unfortunate bell.

Dipankrispaneven · 31/12/2015 02:07

I love the way Jane claims to be totally in control of everything in her life, yet says if she doesn't get enough sleep she is a really nasty person.

No control over her own emotions, then.

kali110 · 31/12/2015 02:20

What a sad thread.
There are some unkind disgusting people on here.
Yes op, yabu.
Your fil has recently been bereaved, he wants to be by his family ( well probably not you).
Your husband has lost a mother and wants his father near him new years.
When my father died the first year we stayed overnight at christmas and new year so she wasn't alone!
We have gone over every christmas eve since infact.
You can't tolerate one night?
Can you imagine him being surrounded by his family to then going bCk to an empty house and thinking this will possibly be how it is for the rest of his life?
Just because you want a bloody lie in?
The dog smells, get over it!
God forbid you are ever in this position.
Your poor husband.

jane or whoever, i also have a problem with lack of sleep whereby it affects my disability.
For a bereaved member of family i would get over it as i have a heart.
Atleast if you are ever in this position you won't be bothering your kids and will simply spend it by yourself.

SpecialistSnowflake · 31/12/2015 02:25

It's just one year OP - suck it up gracefully and support your DH.

Perhaps you could buy an air mattress from Argos, they're quite cheap and surprisingly comfortable these days. Have a word with him about being quiet until a certain time in the morning - maybe he could take the dog for a walk?

kali110 · 31/12/2015 02:25

when we lived with my dh parents, his grandparent would come over at christmas or new years along with a day in the week as they'd lost their partner and they didn't want them on their own.
My dh and i gave up our room a good few times for them.
No one ever thought it was a hassle or an inConvience.
We just enjoyed being with them.

rockabella · 31/12/2015 05:43

You are being mean.

Yes it might be a bit of an inconvinece but your FIL has to spend the new year learning to go on without his partner.

I lost my Gran in January of this year, my GD will be coming to my parents house where he is welcome to stay if he wishes, even though there isn't a lot of room. Some people just do not like being alone and reflecting on things, which often happens at the passing of a year.

venividivicky · 31/12/2015 06:26

I haven't read the whole thread, but I think YABU, and incredibly shallow and insensitive. Your poor DH - what does he see in you, certainly not a drop of human kindness.

rainbowstardrops · 31/12/2015 07:11

Wow, this is ....... interesting!

Firstly YABU. Anyone with half a brain can see that.

What I don't get is that you seem to think FIL will mess up the plans for games and DVDs with your DC - why??? Why can't he join in?

Secondly, you're either intending to go to bed before midnight so that you and your DCs get your precious beauty sleep, or surely you'd go to bed soonish after midnight? That's not ridiculously late even if you are woken up early in the morning!

Go to bed early the next night??? Confused

It would be nice if you came back here saying you've now reconsidered and realised you were being a selfish, unempathetic (is that even a word?) mare but I won't hold my breath Sad

mrsjskelton · 31/12/2015 08:18

YABU. It's one night.

patienceisvirtuous · 31/12/2015 09:40

OP and Jane't'.

Urgh, what awful women. I am embarrassed for you. And sad for you that your life is so closed off from having empathy and compassion.

Sad lives indeed.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/12/2015 12:01

Kali has made the point I was coming on here to make, chocoholic.

Your dh has lost his mother this year, as well as your FIL losing his wife. I'd guess that your dh really wants to be with his father over New Year's Eve - he needs that. And he doesn't want his father to be waking up alone, on the first day of the New Year - the beginning of the first year in which his wife will never have lived.

They are the two people who loved your late MIL the most - would you really deny them the opportunity to spend NYE together, and for your dh to know that his father isn't alone, just because you are worried about not getting enough sleep, and being tired the next day?

Have a nap once he's gone home. Or ask your dh to get up with his dad whilst you have a lie-in. Or put your own needs aside and look after an elderly bereaved man, and a man who has lost his mother, and who both will need a bit of extra tlc at the end of the year in which she died and the start of a new year in which she will never have lived.

You might also want to consider the fact that, if he's stayed up late, to see the New Year in, your FIL might well sleep later than he normally does.

OTheHugeManatee · 31/12/2015 12:03

Or put your own needs aside and look after an elderly bereaved man, and a man who has lost his mother, and who both will need a bit of extra tlc

This.

Jux · 31/12/2015 13:03

I bet the dog doesn't actually smell.

How about helping fil give the dog a bath on NYD, after he's had a jolly and happy time playing games and watching dvds with his son and gcs, and a comfy sleep in one of the children's rooms? That could be a really fun (and helpful) activity for the children to do with fil, and will get you all wide-awake after the depredations of the night before.

Julius02 · 31/12/2015 13:35

This has made me so sad - how can the OP be so heartless?
The year my mum died I went and stayed with my dad for Xmas. We had a power cut so dad went to bed early and I sat in the dark in a freezing room with a glass of wine and wept for my mum. It was in every respect my most miserable Xmas ever. But I did it for my dad as I didn't want him to be alone.

waxweasel · 31/12/2015 13:46

I don't know - it might well smell. My ILs' dog fecking reeks, it's awful. Genuinely makes me feel sick, and the smell just lingers wherever it's been. Not an old dog either.

They're staying next weekend and DH has just sent them a parcel of dog shampoo and towels. But the problem is they don't see it as a problem so don't bother washing it or training it to not piss on the floor/jump up/nip feet/generally be an annoying little shit

Thankfully we have no carpets or curtains for it to stink up. And DH will be policing it to make sure it keeps off the sofa. But in our last house we made the ILs put it in kennels for visits - could that be an option for FIL?

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 31/12/2015 15:14

I doubt they'd be able to find a kennel for the dog, at this late notice, waxweasel - probably easier to bath the dog when it arrives!

Original poster
chocoholic05 · 01/01/2016 11:25

My fil came over last night. We played family games and saw the new year in together. He stayed til about 1215 and my husband dropped him home. He's coming round again any minute for lunch and tea. He said more than once that he'd had a lovely evening. We all did

OP posts:
SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 01/01/2016 11:58

I just hope he felt as happy when he woke up, all alone, on the first day of the first year without his wife.

I really hoped you would come back on here and tell us that you had had a change of heart, and had realised that your dh and his dad needed this, and you had put your misgivings aside, for their sakes.

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