To not want to take on this responsibility

[sayerville]

I have 2 elderly neighbours lower down the road. The lady is having a hip op in 2 weeks. A few months ago my DH mentioned her DH could come up for tea, now she has taken this on board and wants me to meet with her to discuss what will happen. She thinks I will be having him every day for an evening meal and taking him to visit her. She said I don't want to press you but what days are you visiting me? I said I was unsure as I'd be working and could he get a taxi to visit her, she said it was expensive....even though she gets Att allowance as he has dementia. I work 4 full days so don't mind say 3 nights a week but some I work late and don't get in until 6.15pm and I'm knackered. Having lost my Mum earlier this year I feel a bit drained as she also had dementia and I'm finding this all a bit OTT. Also she is talking about me doing her shopping when she is out of hospital so I can see this being long term....am I being mean spirited?

I don't know whether this woman is a user and taking advantage or not.

It is more than possible that she has been overwhelmed by the demands on her, but had no idea how to get help. Maybe her dh has been really hard to please and won't eat meals on wheels/Wiltshire Farm etc. Maybe he is just a difficult and exacting bloke who has become more so due to his dementia. Maybe, this woman has seen a kind offer made and grabbed it as a lifeline because she is actually desperately in need of help but is either unaware of how badly she needs it, or doesn't know how to access help which he will accept.

You will be helping her most by letting SS know that this elderly and vulnerable pair need help from them. Do it now, and it might be sorted in time for her operation. You can report anonymously, I think, but you probably don't need to do that; just tell them that No, you can't help.

Tell the hospital too; they will want a proper care plan in place before they discharge her, and will get onto SS themselves if you ensure they know there is no one at home to look after her.

'I'd strongly agree with offering one thing, a meal one lunchtime or evening, and the associated company.'

The problem with this is that she doesn't like the man, he doesn't leave/let her leave, criticises her, is demanding in what she cooks.

And the woman takes advantage of her. The OP has a hard time saying NO.

The best course of action in such cases is to offer nothing.

jux op has given them alternatives, but the woman does not want to pay for it, from what op has said about this situation, it does look like they are taking the piss. I would find the emergency social services number, and give it to her. When hospital contact you, tell them no you are not providing care for them, that they need professionals to implement that for that.

No, absolutely no. She is asking you to offer what a paid service offers, it is beyond neighbourly kindness. You state he has dementia and although you do not say how far advanced his illness is, he will inevitably be confused and you may have to take him home and offer some form of assistance there as well. She is asking you to provide a form of home support.

You will know from your own mum how difficult this illness is and it is insensitive (presuming she is aware of the situation) and presumptious of her although I don't want to be unkind.

Many elderly people do not think they should have to pay for a home support service, which is much much more reasonable than residential care. Home support agencies generally offer a shopping service, assistance with meals and personal care. Her choice is taking out a temporary home support contract - and that is if they have available support staff or respite care for a few weeks. She needs to speak to social services or any professionals involved in her husband's care.

You cannot possibly be expected to support them as their needs could be complex and what if she fell or he wandered off?

Whilst she will be disappointed, paid for care is the safest option for you all.

Agree with expat

Best not to even open the door if a foot is going to be jammed into it

The neighbour has been given a gazillion ideas for support but has rejected all of them.

People who need help accept the help that is there. I also wonder about how the nephews have stood back and why that would be.

Some people like to put others out, it makes them feel powerful.

The rest of us don't want to make a fuss and are happy if anyone offers any suggestions.

OK, maybe I was projecting. What matters is that the two of them do need help longer term than just the week the woman's in hospital for; and they need more than just one meal left on the doorstep.

So, OP, your best bet is SS. Please do that.

op I can imagine my DB and SIL doing this in their elderly years, no dc, very very comfortable and well off and would do anything like they do know, to save a few pennies!

She is asking you to offer what a paid service offers, it is beyond neighbourly kindness. You state he has dementia and although you do not say how far advanced his illness is, he will inevitably be confused and you may have to take him home and offer some form of assistance there as well. She is asking you to provide a form of home support

^ this, they probably have huge massive savings.

I also agree that what they are asking is beyond "neighbourly kindness" and think there is a very, very great risk given the details you've provided that this could become a permanent arrangement in one way or another. I also think that unfortunately it will be hard to do 'just the one thing' and not have it move on from that with ever present guilt on your part you can't/aren't doing more. But you know them better than we do.

Another vote here for: a "There has been a misunderstanding," conversation.

I am also the master of the ambiguous message, so I sympathise with how difficult that can be, but please have it.

I would be tempted to write her a letter and deliver it when you know she is home.

"I wanted to clear up the misunderstanding over DH's and my ability to help out for xyz period. We both work full time and, with regret, cannot commit to a regular schedule. Here is the number of xyz that I mentioned previously who would be able to help in the way that you were mentioning to us, on a day to day basis. Best of luck."

If I understand correctly, she is already getting some allowance for looking after him. In addition to the person you mentioned to her, do they not already have some sort of person they deal with? I don't understand what she is spending the money on. But maybe I don't understand how it all works.

The mention of possible liability should anything happen while OP was in a caring role is a timely one

I used to do home visiting for a sight impairment charity, and one particular lady had a major issue around her son "being bothered" about anything; even when she was clearly in danger she'd get quite hysterical at any suggestion that he be contacted. I never did get to the bottom of it, but was mindful of her many anecdotes about him causing trouble for others - "Oooo he really tells them, you know; you should just hear him!!"

I was lucky in having the charity's advice and support, but eventually had to end my visits to protect myself. I haven't a clue as to what the outcome of a complaint might have been, but honestly didn't feel able to take the risk

my jaw is on the floor as the demands go on and on. This is not fair to you and your family,op. Stand up for them -hand this over to SS .

Let me tell you my story.

Very dearest friend traveled with family halfway across the world to care for terminally ill beloved father.
2 days after going her (very not nice, reason father moved… ) mother had a fall and ended up in hospital.

Friend called and asked, as and when I had time would I pop in. Maybe wash some nighties etc, she'd transfer me money for cabs etc.

As she's the person I'd have no issue calling at 3am if I had a problem I told her not to be silly, no problem.

Sounds nothing like your situation…

after one visit Friends Mum had told staff I was now NOK.

Within 2 days I was been called several times a day with requests for various bits that she needed right now.

Requests to attend care planning meetings. Etc…

At the time I was working full time, dealing with a serious back injury (walking with crutches). Oh and I'm an ex-Nurse…so I fecking know the system.

On her word they assumed she'd be coming home with me and I would be doing all her care. .… I was struggling with self care at that point and needed help from OH.

Before friend had left she'd put in motion plans for her Mum to move to a very 'nice' assisted living place. They were still happy to have her and put any extra care in place but every time they tried to visit/speak to her she'd refuse saying she was moving in with me and then daughter.

I was been called 2-3 times a day by the hospital social worker to arrange discharge. It took a formal complaint to PALS and the senior manager to call them off.

Even then ward staff subjected me to emotional blackmail to try and get me to take her 'home' for Christmas Day.

When I said fine, they'd have to arrange transport, a commode, some one to lift her on/off. Oh and food as I wouldn't be in the country, only then did they stop.

The thing is she was/is a very manipulative woman who can put on the sweet little old lady act.

Old doesn't mean stupid and there isn't a switch that stop you being a cow when you reach 70-80-90 etc.

I'm lucky as my situation had an ending. Friends DH flew back, took over, and I bowed out.

You could be stuck in this loop for years…

Hospitals are always desperate to discharge elderly people;partly for the persons benefit so they don't pick up bugs etc. But at this time of year they're slammed. Any chance of getting someone out with days and days of trying to arrange caters etc they will grab and hang on for dear life.

Be warned…

Renata, it's pretty clear you're not a lawyer. That case doesn't apply in any shape or form to the OP's case. It's alarmist of you to post that here.

We had this very same situation with our elderly neighbour. My advice would be don't get involved. We felt a bit duty bound but the more we did the more our neighbour wanted. We had him coming round at 11:00pm because he couldn't work out how to find a number in his phone book, he kept calling round all the time, it became the bane of my life. In the end I phoned Crisis who were brilliant. They said we weren't being paid to provide a service, they were, so we should leave it to them. They got SS involved, neighbour gets 2 or sometimes three visits a day. He fell out with me when I wouldn't do all the things he asked and life is so much better. Unfortunately I did have to be very blunt in the end.

If I was you I'd phone SS or Crisis and ask for advice, I think they'll help you.

bogus has it right on the money, just because you hit retirement age, does not make you an angle, if they had a habit of freeloading in their younger days, it will well carry on now. I wonder why their nephews are too 'busy'.

I wouldn't do any of this organising. Be blunt with her. You can offer nothing. You have work, commitments and are mourning the death of your mother. SHE calls SS, Crisis, etc.

I would ring the hospital whilst she is in there and make it clear you are not the carer in case she says you are.

Don't go to the hospital. It will stress you emotionally. That's enough of a reason not to go and don't feel guilty about that.

I have been reading an the posts with interest, thank you all for contributing.
So tomorrow is my birthday and I can see her phoning, she won't call as she knows I have a chest infection, good opportunit to bring this up though I know she will anyway! I know she has help for some weeks after the op (apart from shopping) so I'm not too concerned. I was annoyed when she tried to get me to commit to a date to bring her DH to hospital, that's when I suggested he go in the day with a taxi. I will practice some phrases on here. I promise I will use then, well let you know how get on!

Chest infection - poor you, but perfect excuse to get DH to send a note through her door today with some of the wording above. Means she has time to digest before she calls up tomorrow.

You can make it perfectly pleasant, but clear that you will not take on the responsibilities she is trying to push your way. Use your ill health - chest infection comes in useful again - to point out that you cannot take on shopping and daily meals, that's why meals on wheels exists.

What rookie said. You can't offer anything because they take the piss. You are ill. You are busy. You are bereaved. Sounds like you are the one who needs looking after.

good luck op, I am all for helping people out, but I also have some relatives who would bleed you dry if they could, in fact one is currently doing it to someone, although that someone is being paid!

Instead of viewing this as a negative painful thing to do, try and view it as a skill you need and have to learn, the more you practice the easier it becomes...its putting ourselves out of our comfort zones that grows us as people.

Hope you feel better soon & hope "the talk" goes OK!

Picking up shopping (if you are already going) might be an easier option.

Depending on how good they are at giving you the money & if you can just drop & run!

Don't bother offering to pick up shopping. They will only take the piss.